Chapter 3:The Basket case's Saturday Night
The looks on her parents' faces when she got into the car made Allison's heart skip a beat. They noticed me they know I exist. Yes!She thought. Fran and Perry Reynolds were at a loss for words upon seeing their daughter in something so radically different than her black sweater, and she was kissing a boy no less.
"You look really different." Said her mother
"I know." Allison said, hiding her happiness of being noticed by her parents.
"You look nice." Added her father.
"Eeeh!" Allison let out a little squeak, she was so happy she couldn't tell whether to laugh or cry.
"Who was that boy?" Asked Mom.
"That was Sporto." She said happily.
"Who?" inquired her dad, raising an eyebrow.
"Andrew Clark, his middle name's Emilio, his birthday is June 17th, he's five-nine, he weighs a hundred and sixty pounds, and his social security number is 1-2-7-4-1-0-5-1…3" Ally said, to her parents' surprise at her knowing so much about a boy they'd never seen her with before.
"Oh… OK." Said her father. This was the longest conversation she had with her mom and dad in a long time; she hadn't felt so alive in ages.
"So are you two like boyfriend/girlfriend, like steady dates?" asked her mother.
"Um, I don't know." Actually Allison reallydidn'tknowtheyhadjust met today and it was just one kiss. She never believed that love-at-first-sight nonsense still she felt like it could be true when she thought about Andy. But she'd seen enough in her life to know that fairytale endings are just fairytales, there's no happily-ever-after, at least not for her. He was still a big jock and she was still the weird girl who never talks, how could they be boyfriend/girlfriend? Claire's comments about how everything would be the same as it had been on Monday crept into her mind, killing off her good mood. After they got home Allison retreated to her room and thought about the day and her "friends".
What if she was right, what if on Monday I don't have any friends again? Oh God, what if he only liked me because of the makeover Claire gave me? How could I be so stupid! Her mind filled with her troubles and doubts that were pushed away by her happinessfrom detention, and the more she thought about the day the more she sank into depression, realizing that the possibility they'd remain friends was pretty hopeless. All she ever wanted was companionship and love from someone, all her life her parents were to busy with their careers to pay any real attention to her since she was five, so she learned to be her parent. She learned to fix her own meals when she was six when her mother was gone for, she would hold herself in her arms and sing herself to sleep, she'd try to be strong but it was so hard when the only one who tells you "I love you" is yourself.
For ten years they were always at the office, in meetings, or doing paperwork, work, no room for a personal life or a daughter who they're too busy to love. They didn't have to spend fifteen hours a day at their jobs, they could take time off to have fun or talk to Allison if they wanted to, but they chose to work and get to the top of the mountain no mater how high they got. She couldn't talk to her parents so she tried to make friends at school, with no success. She went to school everyday and everyday she was overlooked, the other students never noticed her, the teachers never called on her to answer a question, the only person in the whole school who ever talked to her was the school councilor, and her yearbook was full of impersonal remarks like "have a nice summer" or "see you next year" and other stuff that people write in yearbooks when they don't have anything to say to the person, even the other members of the Breakfast Club saw her everyday and never noticed her. Andrew got it wrong when he said if Bender disappeared forever and it wouldn't make any difference, that was a description of her not John.
Allison dumped her purse out on her bed and started seeping through all the "shit she carries in her bag"; a few bottles of aspirin, an extra sweater, a comb, Bender's lock, some eye shadow, three dozen tampons, and Bender's switchblade knife. She put everything away but the switchblade, she stared at it for a while, considered it, felt the blade. She couldn't bare the thought of having these friends and then going back to being invisible, to be noticed and be abandoned again was too much to take.I can't take living that way anymore, I don't want to be alone anymore. She held the knife in her hands, after sitting there for who knows how long, she sighed and put the knife back in her bag. She wanted to escape her life of solitude any way she could, everyday she either thought about running away or dying, and both seemed an appealing alternative.
"What do you need an ID for?" asked Andrew.
"So I can vote." Brian said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Want to see what's in my bag?" Allison wanted to share her problems with somebody, but they said no and it hurt her more than they realized. No, I'm not going to be ignored again. She poured out her purse, but when Andy and Brian started talking like she wasn't there she changed her mind. It was obvious they didn't care so she collected her stuff and went across the room, but Andy didn't give up so easy.
"What do they do to you?" Asked Andy, referring to her parents, desperately trying to reach her.
"They ignore me." Allison said with tears in her eyes. Inside she was sobbing, so was Andy, she could tell. Her greatest fear was loneliness and she dealt with it everyday, but now it seemed bearable because now she had people who cared, to confide in, to talk to, to love. If she had to go on with her life, being unnoticed, ignored and forgotten, then life wasn't worth living. She knew she'd never really go through with ending it all but she so desperately wanted to believe she wasn't alone in the world.
She went to her desk and did what she always did when she was felt sad and lost; write a poem. She'd written lots of poems and she sent them to the newspaper, they were well liked by the readers and she did love seeing letters people sent in about them. She would write under one of her pen names, Basketcase or AnonymousPHancock, the only thing that kept her sane sometimes was writing and today was an inspiration if ever she had one.
Today I show my heart to them
They called me a great friend
They made me think I was loved
It's a cruel lie in the end
Five strangers in a vast room
They're hearts and souls entwined
And though we say it'll last forever
They still leave each other behind
I want to believe they'll be there still
And that's what I've been told
But I know that it's temporary
They'll leave me in the cold
Why is love so hard to give
Why are they so scared to try
If I've known love and have it taken
I fear my heart shall die
After she wrote it, she put it in her notebook and climbed into bed. She lay there hugging herself thinking of what she should do.
When you grow up your heart dies, but I guess it can die while you're young to. If what Claire said was true, if they're not my friends then my heart will die and be buried to deep to ever be brought back to life. She curled up under the blanket and just stared into space. Tomorrow I'm changing back to my sweater and my black eye shit, if they are my friends they'll like me even if I am a basket case, if they aren't…she couldn't finish that thought, she started crying softly, getting a death grip on her pillow till she finally fell asleep.