Disclamer: Now Rob, Doug, you know how it is when people have had a little too much to drink and get carried away... Lol I don't own Red Drawf or any of it's lovley characters (Though I wish I own a couple of the cast) Apart from the lovly Kira who doesn't do much but scream in this episode, but hey it's a part so she mustn't grumble.
Kira: Why can't I? This is supposed to about me and Cat.
Me: It is about you and Cat.
Kira: Oh yeah, I have such a big part.
Me: Now this is just you're hormones talking.
Kira: Oh you think so? How'd you like to come here and test that theory out? (Kira rolls up her sleeves and looks tough)
Me: Erm, anyway people don't forget to R & R. Runs away from my own creation
Matter Of Birth & Death
Confusing Recap
For those who remember, a lot happened many years ago, before Red Drawf was lost, Before Kryten was found, and even before Lister became the first male to give birth. And one of the many things that happened all that time ago is the relationship between The Cat, and Kira Olivier, a science officer recovered from the doomed crew, using the stasis leak. Who was perfectly normal, as the average Red Drawf crew member goes though she was for some reason allergic to dogs, not that there are any in deep space.
After several near death experiences and a single uninterrupted encounter, Kira found herself impregnated by another species – Felix Sapien, or Cat as the rest of the crew called him. Though as the two were madly in love no-one cared – they were 3 million years into deep space anyway.
As the pregnancy progressed Kira taught many things to Cat about science and astrophysics for him to use in the future, but even her expertise could not come up with an answer for what happened in Kira's 8th month - Influenza a genetically modified strain caught when visiting an abandoned cargo ship – one of the many Leviathans that the crew met on their journeys.
To save Kira and the kitten's life (Cat was going to call her Danielle) they were placed in suspended animation, to be revived when a cure was found.
Thankfully though she was in the Starbug stasis booth as that is where she was when the virus was detected. This meant that when Red Drawf went missing, due to bad parking skills and some thieves, Kira and her unborn baby were safe. And to prevent something like the meteor/stasis disaster (See Reality Awaits) the Bug was upgraded, to hold up to 6 people.
Over time the others gave up hope and eventually forgot about finding a cure, as they never thought they could.
Only one person continued to hold onto the hope that one day she could be revived and stop being a non-existent mass of particles, that soon she – and her baby would be real again.
And even though he appeared to the others to have forgotten what Kira taught him, how she made him feel, and that she even existed. Cat was constantly hoping to revive her so he could lead a normal life, like in the middle part of her pregnancy.
Secret Thoughts
Cat leaned back in his self accessorised chair, watching the twinkling stars and some kind of misty purple planet. His nose smelt something in the distance, but he didn't respond, he just sat there, watching the swirling mist, lost in thought . He thought about Kira and Dani – his nickname for his kitten.
He knew more about space and swirly things than he let on, because Kira had taught him, but he just silently used his skills, instead of voicing his expertise to the others, as he just wanted to be left in peace about the things that he and Kira had discussed, they were his memory's, no-one else's.
He thought about how the others saw him – like how his used to be – dumb vain, selfish amongst other things. But how they were wrong, he thought as he slicked his hair back absently, how he had changed since he had met Lister – his people's pathetic god and the other people he was now destined to spend eternity with.
He vaguely noticed Kryten, Lister and Rimmer enter the cockpit, and thought of the insulting names he called them, to keep himself cheerful, it was cruel he knew but they didn't seem to notice too much anymore, they just thought of Cat's name insults and his constant use of the word "Bud/Buddy" was just a defect in his brain or something.
He had however laid of Lister more, as he secretly admired him, because when Kira got ill Lister was there for him, to help him, Rimmer just stayed away, and Kryten had never even had the pleasure of properly meeting her as she was already in stasis when he arrived.
As he continued to stare into space thinking his thoughts and dreams, a small silent tear escaped from one of his eyes, and trickled down his face till he wiped it away with a silk handkerchief.
Yellow Swirly Thing
Cat's thoughts were trampled as an irritating voice reached his ears. "Wake up you deranged moggy, you'll get us all killed." Came Rimmer's nasal tone, from somewhere behind him.
"Sorry buds." Cat chirped, forcing a smile and sniffing the air, realising that a very large, flaming asteroid was heading straight towards them.
"I mean, what if we were in danger?" Continued Rimmer, blissfully unaware of what Cat knew.
"Uh guys?" Asked Cat, starting to panic.
"Thankfully the scanners are clear, but you're supposed to be our early warning system." Rimmer lectured, smugly feeling unusually in control. – Not that the feeling was to last long.
"Uh, buds? Can I just say one thing?" Cat interrupted. Annoying Rimmer who hated to be interrupted, even though he should have been used to it by then.
"Go on then." Rimmer grumbled.
"There's a giant, yellow, hot, swirly thing, and it's heading straight towards us!" Cat took a deep breathe, and fastened his seat belt.
"WHAT?" Cried the other 3, checking the scanners and windows.
"Sir. Are you sure your senses are correct? I mean could it be possible that… Oh dear." Kryten trailed off as the asteroid appeared on the scans.
"Offensive and defensive manoeuvres!" Cried Cat, pulling up on the control, but barely getting any lift.
" A brilliant plan sir, with only 2 minor drawbacks." Began Kryten, pointing his robotic hand in a "You listen to me as I'm far superior than you, even though I do laundry" kind of way.
"Impact 20 seconds." Lister reminded, prompting Rimmer to cower under his desk, and Kryten to hurry up with his lecture.
"1, we don't have any offensive capabilities as the garbage cannon would be about as effective as a small bottle of disinfectant in a London Hospital. And 2, we are now too close to avoid it as I have been explaining the plan's drawbacks." Kryten finished rant and immediately changed to "Panic Mode", emitting a small scream.
For a split second everything was deathly silent, then it hit, illuminating the cockpit as it smashed into Starbug, throwing it of course and blowing up the consoles.
"Everyone flew into action, trying to keep control of the vessel, whilst putting out the fires that were erupting everywhere.
"Damage report?" Someone yelled as Cat checked the readout.
"Amongst many things we're leaking fuel, powers gone to most of the main systems, thrusters are down, and the baked potato timer's running backwards."
"Suggest we make an emergency landing on that planet sirs, and continue the repairs down their, as there appears to be some kind of service station down there, with mechanical and medicinal bays, we could scavenge some supplies for the ship that could prove to be useful." Kryten explained, whilst turning his head 360 degrees to tighten it.
"Great plan!" Lister screamed above the din of various things, including the noise the extinguisher made, as he attacked the electrical fires with it.
"But we never really had an option!" He continued as the Bug started to enter the planet's atmosphere.
As Starbug started to crash down onto the pale, misty purple planet, Cat reached into his pocket of his yellow and black zebra print coat – he had spent a whole night colouring it yellow after seeing a 20th century comedy sitcom containing a woman wearing the same coat. – He gently, but tightly grasped 3 small items, one was a small velvet box containing an emerald encrusted wedding ring, the second was a photo, with the words; "Ultrasound of Dani – Kira 7 months pregnant." The 3rd item was a small scrap of paper, which contained no words…
Cure Or Be Killed
"Scans show that there is a breathable atmosphere, but also another life – form roaming the planet's station." Kryten warned nervously as he played with the strap of the bazookoid that Lister had forced him to carry.
Cat looked up and smelt the air. Strange, He thought. Human and something else… He wondered about the human scent, thinking it smelt a bit like Kira, but blocked it out of his mind, as he realised the other being – "Simulant!" He screamed, ducking back inside the hatchway. Lister swung round, ready to shoot, but saw nothing but the station's entrance.
"Smeg man, what you're trying to do, give us all heart attacks?" Lister yelled, clutching his heart in a mock fashion.
I'm afraid that The Cat is correct sirs; there is a simulant on the station.
"Look buds, I love my innards as much as the next person, and I don't really fancy then been removed to decorate someone's wall." Panicked Cat as he backed further into the ship.
"I agree." Replied Rimmer, shaking like a leaf as he followed Cat.
"Cat turned, a disgusted look on his face. "Goal Post Head's agreeing with me twice in one lifetime? Awwww. My God" Cat groaned, banging his head on Starbug's plating.
"Shut up guys." Commanded Lister as bravely as he could. "We need some things for the ship. We'll be in and out after a quick scavenge, we can split up, make it even quicker."
"Split up? Make ourselves easy targets? What do you think this is? Hunt a human week?" Rimmer scoffed.
"Look, we'll be one hour, two tops. Me and Kryten can take the mechanics bay for the components; you two see what you find in the medical area." Lister finished his orders, then flung the bazookoid and then crept off into the station, followed by Kryten in "Alert Mode."
Cat sighed and stamped back down Starbug's steps, hauling the strap of his bazookoid onto his shoulder – not that the weapon would make much of a dent in a simulant.
"Well, are you coming or not?" Cat yelled up the stairs, in an exasperated manner, as he wanted to go in, get what they need and get out – though the fact he could go to the medical bays was an advantage Cat had decided, as he put his hand in his pocket, and gently clutched the empty piece of paper.
"Hmmm, NO!" Rimmer yelled back, turning on his heels and disappearing inside Starbug.
"Un-stylistic smeg." Muttered Cat, as he crept away from the Bug, thinking at least he could try and find a cure for Kira in peace, without having to tell Rimmer what he was up to.
When he reached the Medical Bay he sealed the door behind him, to try and keep out any simulants, and he walked over to a small desk with a computer on it. He pressed the power button, and was amazed to find it still working. He then placed the small piece of paper onto the table and began to feed the data it contained into the computer, as it did in fact contain the properties of Kira's virus, encoded into smells, so only he could read them.
People New & Old
At the same moment that Cat was using all the skills that Kira had taught him, during their time together, Rimmer was roaming the ship, still freaked out about the simulant.
As he passed the Ops room he heard a small cough. He froze, took a deep breath, then Kong-fu-ed his was into the room, to find Kira stumbling out of a suspended animation booth.
"Cat?" She murmured as she sensed someone enter the room, before collapsing onto the floor.
"Smegging hell." Rimmer whispered in disbelief.
Using his new hard light body, he picked Kira up and carried her over to the Medi-Bay bed, glad for once that he was a coward.
Rimmer than ran back to the control panel to find that though it hadn't registered on the damage report machine, the stasis mechanism had got jammed during the crash, activating the 10 minute automated release, though there was now a 3 day lockdown, while the stasis booths repaired themselves.
"Lock down? 3 Days?" But the virus will kill her in under 2!" Rimmer panicked. He ran back the way he had come, past the unconscious body of the 8 month pregnant woman, and to the comms speaker.
"CAT!" He hissed into the crackling radio…
At that preside moment cat was successfully placing a tube containing the antidote serum into his sequin decorated, jacket pocket. And he was grinning in delight…
"CAT!" Rimmer hissed again.
Cat got the radio out, and flicked through to the open frequency.
"What now?" Cat asked in a "You've just disturbed me doing something important – but I'm still happy kinda way."
"Sniff the air. You wouldn't believe me if you didn't." Cat shuck his head, wondering if Alphabet head had finally flipped, but he inhaled deeply anyway. His grin turned to twisted horror as he located Kira's smell on Starbug.
"Kira?" He asked dumbly, realising she was who he had smelt earlier.
"Stasis pods are damaged, Kira got released, 3 day lock down!" Rimmer stammered into the mouth piece.
"Oh my smegging DAYS!" Cat cried jumping up and running to the door. "I've got the antidote, I can save them, I'll be right there." He hollered, doing a half panicked, half triumphant dance, and exiting through the door.
"Antidote? But how? Rimmer asked, confused.
"I had the virus property things, I fed them into this computer, and it worked out the antidote – I've never find a working one before." Cat explained into the radio as he legged it down the corridors.
"Err… Right. Just hurry up – watch out for the simulant."
There was a long pause, and Rimmer could hear nothing but the static from the radio.
"Cat?" Rimmer whispered, gulping loudly.
"I'm here bud, but I can smell the simulant, - I better be…" Rimmer jumped back in fright as he heard Cat's whispering words change into a milk curdling scream.
Near Death Experiences
Lister and Kryten's creeping turned to running as they heard a cry in the distance.
Rimmer filled them in briefly via radio as they ran to the medical bay.
As they turned the corner they stopped dead in their tracks, Cat was slumped against a wall muttering something that sounded like; "It's still safe." A huge black leather clad simulant towered over him menacingly.
"Leave him alone." Spoke up Lister, sounding braver than he felt, as there was now no justice zone to protect them.
"Be silent, other pathetic human. You're death will come soon enough." The simulant boomed, turning to glare at Lister.
"That's… That's just it, he's not human." Lister replied as calmly as he could. As he spoke he moved round, making the simulant move as well, to keep Lister in "visual range". The point of this movement was so Kryten could slip past the simulant undetected, and reach Cat.
"What do you mean not human?" The simulant questioned suspiciously.
"I, err mean he has no human DNA. He's descended from cats." Lister moved round and backwards, trying to keep eye contact with the simulant as Cat staggered past, using Kryten for support as he tried to regain his senses and control.
"Cats come from earth don't they? The simulant continued, not seeming to notice that Lister was edging away towards the corner of the corridor, to follow Kryten and Cat.
"Well yeah." Lister replied, trying to subconsciously calm his throbbing heartbeat.
"Then he's as good as human!" The simulant boomed, as he turned and fired at the wall where Cat had been a moment ago. He realised he had been tricked and turned to fire at Lister, only to see his blurry figure disappearing down the corridor.
Lister caught Kryten and Cat up as they neared the Starbug steps.
"Kryten, can we get this crate in the air?" Asked Lister, slamming his fist onto the keypad, shutting the hatch behind them.
I think so sir, once I've rerouted the…" Kryten was cut short by Lister
"Don't tell us, just do it!" He cried as he dropped his bazookoid and ran into the cockpit.
"I'll just go…" Whispered Cat as he pointed up the steps towards Kira's scent.
"Hurry up; we need you flying this thing!" Lister shrieked from the cockpit, as he dumped the canvas bag of scavenged components onto a chair.
Cat nodded, and ran up the metal staircase.
Bad Timing
He entered the room to see Kira sprawled out on the bed, a delirious expression on her face. Rimmer was stood over her, taking her temperature. Rimmer moved away awkwardly as he saw Cat appear in the doorway.
Cat ran over to her. Got out the serum and fixed up the antidote, so he could inject it into Kira's bloodstream. – Another thing Kira had taught him how to do before she went into suspended animation.
As he injected her, Kira's eyes fluttered open. "You did it babe." She whispered ever so quietly as Cat leant over and kissed her gently on her forehead. But before he could reply, an explosion and a scream erupted at once.
Cat's eyes darted from the steps to the cockpit, where he knew he was needed to help with whatever was happening now, to Kira, who was no longer infected, but was still rolling around in pain.
"What the smeg?" He asked Rimmer, who shrugged his shoulders.
Cat suddenly smelt something odd. He lifted the bed sheet up and looked under the covers – much to Rimmer's disgust. Cat then lowered his arm, a dumb expression plastered over his face.
"You weirdo. You complete and utter – WHAT!" Those were Rimmer's words as he tried to comprehend what Cat had just whispered.
"Her water's broke." Cat said again – still in a daze.
"Guys, what's going on? The simulant's attacking us from the station – Get in here NOW!" Came Lister's voice from the bottom of the stairs, as another blast rocked the ship.
"A little difficult right now Listy!" Rimmer yelled in response as he started to time the contraction times, and Cat fetched some towels.
"Guys, hurry up, he's got another lock on!" Hollered Lister who was trying to work his and Cat's consoles at once, whilst Kryten worked some botched repairs.
Cat gave Rimmer a terrified look as he handed Rimmer the towels, then ran to the cockpit.
He stopped when he reached the doorway as another blast shook the vessel; he grabbed hold of the frame for support. "We've got a situation over here buds" He yelled trying to stay on his feet.
"What do you think this is?" Lister replied sarcastically, grabbing Cat's sleeves and dragging him to his chair.
"You've not got Smeghead delivering your kitten." Cat scoffed as he put the ear piece and communications wire on, and began to manoeuvre away from the incoming weapons fire.
"What!" Lister shrieked, not believing what his friend had just said.
"Permission to swap places with Mr Rimmer, as I do have some expertise in this area." Kryten stated as he finished messing about with the console panel wires.
"Permission smegging granted." Cat yelled as Kryten stood up and left the room. About 20 seconds later Rimmer appeared, pale faced and obviously in shock.
"6 Clicks till we're out of range of the simulant's weapons, We – SMEG! Rimmer what happened to you" Lister asked as he turned to the hologram.
Rimmer flopped down in his chair. "You don't want to know."
"Whatever. Cat, how long can we hold out?" Lister said as he turned back to his console.
"I can barely steer, maybe we can last 1 or two more direct hits. – If we're lucky."
"Are we ever lucky?" Lister replied sullenly as another electrical fire started, giving Lister a small electric shock.
Cat turned in horror as he heard Kira scream again. "How's everything?" He spoke nervously into a comm to the Ops room – so he didn't have to keep shouting.
"How'd you smegging THINK everything's going?" Came Kira's angry reply. I've got some mechanoid who I've never met before giving birth to my first child – who happens to be part feline, the ships about to be blown up by some rogue simulant, and I have my fiancé asking me "How's everything?" But apart from all THAT everything's fine and dandy." Kira stopped her rant and released another scream, causing everyone to cover their ears.
Cat turned off the comms, feeling so sorry that he had put Kira in this position. He took off his headset and made to leave, but Lister grabbed his arm – preventing him from going to Kira's side, and creasing his suit. – Both of which made Cat annoyed. He growled softly at Lister, all his little hairs standing on end in anger.
"We're 3 clicks away; we'll never make it if you don't keep us away from the missiles. – You can smell them, you can avoid them better than me. If you don't stay the antidote will have all been for nothing." Lister sighed and released his grip.
"You're right bud." Cat admitted as he sat down, putting the headset back on and pulling up on the controls, avoiding another missile.
"There's another lock. If it hit's us, we're dead!" Cried Rimmer, his head popping up momentarily from under the counter of his console.
"2 clicks!" Lister updated, closing his eyes as he watched a missile on the monitor heading straight at them.
"Hold on guys!" Cat shrieked, sharply turning the steering wheel. All 3 screamed, expecting the missile to hit them, blowing the ship to pieces. - But it never hit.
Lister opened one eye and checked the monitors. "Ha, it missed!" He cried, slapping Cat on the back. "1 click, quick, go now, we'll be fine." Lister urged.
Cat smiled awkwardly and started to leave as another scream drifted down from up the stairs, followed by some garbled words.
Cat looked at Lister, who looked back with a confused expression on his face.
"What she say?" Lister asked, turning round and bringing Starbug to an abrupt halt.
Cat smiled softly, then mentally scolded himself. "I think she said "For smeg's sake give me an epidural you flat headed cretin." Cat answered.
"God, she's making more of a fuss then I did." Lister mumbled, as he fished something out of the canvas back, and disappeared under his console.
"Aren't you coming." Cat enquired as he reached the doorway.
"Judging by the state of him." Lister said, pointing at Rimmer. "I don't think so."
Cat shrugged his shoulders, but was feeling terrified himself, he took a gulp of reconstituted air, and pounded up the clanking steps.
Names & New Arrivals
Lister and Rimmer followed Cat a bit later, after making some important repairs, and waiting till the contraction screams had ceased.
They entered the room to find Cat curled up next to Kira. – Who was fast asleep. Cat was cradling a small and furry little bundle in the folds of his yellow/black zebra coat, to keep it warm, while Kryten washed the towels.
"Hey guys." Cat whispered, standing up quietly and walking over to the others, still carrying his almost weightless daughter.
"So, did she get an epidural?" Asked Lister, grinning as he reached out a finger and gently lifted up Dani's tiny right hand.
"Nope, and she didn't half let me know about it." Cat replied, showing his teeth in a full on smile.
"She's got your teeth." Lister observed as the newborn yawned.
"You still gonna name her Danielle?" piped up Rimmer, keeping his distance. Shuddering as he thought of what he had experienced earlier.
"Yeah, but we've also decided to give Kira some female middle name versions of you lot – as a kind of tribute." Explained Cat, as he stroked his daughter's wispy soft black hair.
"That's so… touching. What's my name equivalent?" Lister asked as he peered into the deep, dark brown eyes.
"Dani was named Danielle after you anyway." Cat replied, softly rocking her as she gurgled. He was surprised at how easily fatherhood was coming to him, he guessed cats were more instinctive than monkeys.
"Her full name is Danielle Alegra Kristina Catrina Olivier."
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more or less
Let me fly far away from here
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh mango juice
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
That is some name I gave Dani, though I like it. Hope you liked it, don't want to get bombarded with people who hate Kira and Dani, I spent almost all day at work doing this coz it was quiet. Anyway (just incase anyone wants to know, Yes she is Dani, after Danny John-Jules, but it was a subconsious thing as I like the name Danielle and decided to shorten it.)