Series Title: Zero Zero

Summary: Where do we go now? (Sweet chi-ild)…E/J slash

Series/Sequel: 3/4

Warnings: Slash. If that gives you the wiggins, click "Back" now.

Rating: T for some bad language.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, both in the sense of the show/characters and in general, so sue all you want to, you'll get nothing.

Thanks to Wicked Wonder for the beta!

Chapter 3: Across

Eric:

I'm thinking of making "It seemed like a good idea at the time" into my life motto. As far as I can see, most of the mistakes I've made in my life have been made because they seemed to make such good sense while it was all happening. I didn't have to move into this apartment in the first place; I turned down at least 6 decent apartments when Cory dragged me house hunting, but this one was close to college and the rent was affordable, so moving in seemed like a good idea. I didn't have to stay here when I realized just how deeply I felt for my roommate; I could have left straight away, gone home for a week or two while I tried to find a new place, but I wanted to be around him as much as possible, so staying seemed like a good idea. I didn't have to kiss Jack earlier tonight; I could have pushed him away, laughed it off, put it all down to his grief and carried on like normal, but…well, do I need to explain why kissing Jack seemed like such a good idea?

And then there's the newest entry on the list – I didn't have to send him running after Rachel when she walked in on us. At the time it was a natural reaction – someone runs away crying, you don't just let them go, you make sure they're OK, but looking back now, chances are she would have been fine either way – it's not like they're officially going out. She'll understand that it doesn't mean anything, that Jack's just hurt and confused and doesn't know what he's thinking, and she'll be just fine. I didn't have to be pacing up and down the apartment wearing a groove into the floorboards while I wonder how the hell I'm going to get myself out of this one, but hey, it all seemed to make sense at the time.

In a way, I guess it was a self-defense instinct. If a problem pops up in life, then run like hell in the other direction – or better yet, make the problem run away from you. Same solution, half the work. I don't know what I would have said to Jack if Rachel hadn't picked that exact moment to get home, but I'm guessing it would have been idiotic. "I love you" or "I need you" or something equally desperate and designed to scare him away before anything had even started. So maybe this extra time is good – give me a chance to think, to clear my head, to get some kind of self-control back for the next time I have to talk to him.

But then there's the downside. Because all this time to think hasn't made things clearer – if anything, it's made them more complex. Before tonight, I was confused over the whole situation with Jack, and now things are even more screwed up I have absolutely no idea what to do. I keep running through all the different scenarios in my head, and none of them are working out in my favor. I tell him how I feel: he freaks out and I lose him. I laugh it off: things become awkward between us and I still lose him. I say nothing at all and we pretend it never happened: my head explodes, and that would probably mean losing him too, so you can see why I'm having trouble knowing how to act. And if it's hitting me this hard, I can't even imagine how crazy this must be making him, how difficult it must be for him to deal with this, and that's just another worry to add to the list.

So long story short, I'm freaking out right about now. And then I hear someone moving outside, and their footsteps stopping right outside the door. Crap! I can't let him come in and find me wandering round like a crazy person – and far more important, I can't look desperate. If I'm going to salvage any kind of dignity from this, I can't look like I've been waiting for him to get home. So I run into our room, jump onto the bed, grab the first book I can see and pretend to be engrossed in it. He'll never buy it (since when do I study when there isn't a test the next day?), but it's better than nothing. A few seconds later, footsteps sound across the wooden floor, up the steps and then he's standing there, looking as confused and messed up as I feel.

"Hey."

"Hey." Dammit. I can't even keep my voice under control – I sound like a 13-year-old just hitting puberty. Breathe, Matthews. It's only Jack. You've talked to him a million times before; you can talk to him now.

"How's Rachel?" Start with the easy stuff.

"She's OK. She's going to stay with Angela."

"Oh." Well, I guess that makes sense – dodging the awkward 'letting Eric down easy' scene. Hell, if I could find a way to not be here, I'd take it.

There's a painfully long silence, broken only by Jack's footsteps as he crosses the room and perches on the edge of his bed. After a few seconds, we both start to speak at once.

"Look, I'm –"

"Maybe we –"

We stop and there's a flicker of a smile on his face.

"You go first," I hear myself saying, that damn "Act, then think" reflex kicking in again. I should know better – I've seen enough movies to know that whoever goes second in a situation like this is always the one who gets screwed over. But it's too late now – he's started talking again.

"I'm not sure how to say this."

Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. That's how you start the break-up speech – can we even break up when we're not going out? It's not as if there was ever any doubt in my mind that he was gonna be trying to blow me off; the only real question now is how? Will he go for the gentle "Let's just be friends", the harsher "Maybe we shouldn't live together any more", or will he just go out-and-out cruel and throw in the "I don't think we should hang out any more"? It's not like it matters too much. Whichever one of them he chooses is going to break my heart – it's just a choice between keeping an awkward, painful friendship or making a clean break of things. The saddest thing is, I don't know which I'd rather go through.

"When I was talking to Rachel, it made me realize some things."

Wait a second…oh crap! This can't be going where it sounds like it's going. There's no way he and Rachel could be getting together, is there? But that's sure as hell what it sounds like. I can't believe that a kiss between me and Jack has thrown the two of them together. Once again, the universe finds an inventive way to sucker-punch me.

"Certain…feelings I didn't really understand before are much clearer to me now." And then there's a slight change in his tone. All of a sudden he sounds…nervous? Scared? He's making a point of not looking me in the eye. "Eric, I don't want to lose our friendship, but sometimes…you have to take risks. You have to take a chance when the thing you might get in return is worth it."

It feels like he's just punched me in the gut. All the air seems to go out of the room and I have to struggle not to pass out. I knew he liked Rachel, but the fact that he's willing to gamble our friendship on it – and then have the nerve to tell me that what they might have is worth it? Anger starts to build up inside me as the full implications of this hit me. She matters more to him – our friendship is something expendable, something he's willing to risk. But as I'm getting ready to tell him what a lousy friend he is, to do the whole "yelling, screaming, throwing things" routine, he says it. It's barely above a whisper, and he spits it all out like one long word, but I still hear everything I need to.

"I think I'm in love with you."

The effect Jack has on me is incredible. Ten seconds ago, I was ready to kill him – a few words from him and I felt worse than I could ever remember feeling in my life. A few more words, and I'm pretty sure I've never felt better. Helovesmehelovesmehelovesmehelovesmehelovesme runs through my head on repeat, and it feels like my stomach is doing back flips. I still can't breathe, but right now it's the good kind of choking to death.

He looks up at me, meeting my eyes at last, and I can tell how terrified he is. Most of the time, Jack isn't the risk-taking type, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is the most daring thing he's ever done. For some reason, his fear seems funny to me – I guess because I've spent so long being scared to tell him how I feel, and now that I'm looking at it from the other side, I can see what an idiot I was. But this isn't the time for beating myself up, and it really isn't the time for laughing like a lunatic, no matter how happy I feel. He's still looking at me, expectant, waiting for an answer. I walk across the room, take his face in my hands and kiss him.

It's incredible – even better than earlier. The uncertainty, the holding back, all the little voices that were whispering in my head, telling me what a huge mistake I was making – they're all gone. All that exists is Jack, and his lips brushing gently against mine, and his arms sliding around me and holding me close. As we break for air, I'm finally able to tell him what I've wanted to for so long.

"I'm in love with you too."

And what else is there for me to say?