Disclaimer: Own Inuyasha? Not I, good sir :O

Chapter Four

The first day of first grade, I remember being kind of anxious. I was really, really hoping Inuyasha would be coming to my school. Renkotsu was being sort of snotty and said he wouldn't be surprised if Inuyasha was my 'newest imaginary friend' (Okay, so sue a kid for having had several in the past and trying to convince people they were actually real!). I just had to prove him wrong. Besides, it seemed like Inuyasha was too shy to come over to my house and play with me, and I thought maybe I'd get him to feel less like that if we saw a lot of each other in other places.

Oooh, Bankotsu's looking over my shoulder while I'm typing this, and he just said the last sentence 'seems pervy'. Does it? Well it shouldn't; I was in first grade then! I didn't think those things!

Now he said 'yeah right'. Bleeeeh, get back to your own computer, Bankotsu!

Okay, now where was I before I got interrupted like that? Good thing this isn't a paper for school. I'd get points docked off for what our English teacher calls my 'nasty habit of trailing off into irrelevant discourses'. I didn't actually know what that meant until I looked up the last two words the other day.

Whoops, there I go on another one! Anyway…

Just about ten minutes before class was about to start and Renkotsu was about to start giving me a snide look, who walked into the classroom? INUYASHA! He was looking even more anxious than I had just been. When he saw me, I thought it looked like he suddenly went pale, but I think it was my mind playing tricks on me.

"Inuyasha!" I shouted, waving as exuberantly (looked that word up the other day too) as I could.

He seemed really frightened now; all the other kids were looking at him. I'd say that old phrase 'looking like a deer in headlights' applied here. I thought of how uncomfortable he must've been, so I got up to go bring him over to the building blocks me and my friends were playing with.

Somehow I ended up hugging him instead. Weird little impulse, I guess. He was being sort of squirmy, but my arms just didn't want to let go. Bankotsu walked over to us just as he took a deep breath and slipped out from under my arms.

"So, you're Jakotsu's boyfriend," he said. I glanced over at Renkotsu, who was looking stunned, and stuck out my tongue. Inuyasha said something, but I didn't quite catch it. I was too busy silently gloating.

Then I turned around and noticed Bankotsu take Inuyasha by his shirt and mutter, "If I hear that you did anything to hurt him, you're going to be sorry, dog turd." Or something like that.

I shouldn't have been amused, but I was. It was sort of like a scene out of one of those sappy romances Kagura sits in her room and watches. "Aaaaaw, Bankotsu, don't be so mean to him," I said, trying to mask the fact that I was laughing.

I guess Inuyasha wasn't so amused, though, because the second Bankotsu dropped him, he stomped off.

"He seems like a wimp to me," Bankotsu said, snorting, as we went to find our seats.

Ignoring him, I sat very purposefully next to Renkotsu and grinned at him as long as I could. Eventually, he shoved my head to the front of the room himself.

Ok, so maybe I was a little too smug.

My 'relationship' with Inuyasha, as it were, didn't do much changing until October 30th – day before Halloween.

It was sometime in the earlier evening, and I was in Musou's room, playing one of his video games. Actually, more like trying to play one of his video games; a lot of them were really hard, especially if you were a first grader. I did that whenever he was out, probably not because I really liked video games, but more because before he left, he always cornered me and said, a really freaky grin on his face, "Jakotsu, if I find out you were in my room when I was gone, I. Will. Fucking. Murder. You.". When people tell me things like that, I guess I can't really help but do whatever it is they're telling me not to. It seems like a challenge to me, and I like those.

I'd just beaten my record and passed level seven – I can't remember the game, I just remember how happy I was to beat that level. As I settled down to start level eight, I heard Kagura shriek. Must've been an earsplitting shriek too, because I had the volume turned up as loud as I could get it. For a second I was worried, but then I shrugged it off. Kagura was always shrieking about something. Some rich guy on a soap opera she was watching probably broke off an arranged marriage and eloped with his maid's pet chimpanzee (Dad tried that a year ago, but he couldn't find anyone that would validate a union between man and beast. Sometimes I think he spends too much time at work). I started the level.

Five minutes later and five levels to beat again before I got back to eight, I became aware of pounding on the door. I wondered why whoever it was didn't just come in; then I remembered that I liked to keep it locked in case Musou came home early and I needed time to escape out the window. Turning the volume down, I waited for whoever it was to speak.

"Jakotsu, I know you're in there! Open it, open it, we need Musou's cell phone!" It was Kagura. I rolled my eyes.

"Who needs it?" I asked casually, lounging on my brother's bed.

"Well, mom, you idiot! She's having the baby, and things don't look good! LET ME IN!" She sounded almost hysterical now. I got up and opened it quickly. Kagura raced in and started looking for Musou's phone, muttering obscenities.

"Why don't you just use the phone in the kitchen?" I asked, bewildered.

She didn't even take the time to glance up at me. "Because dad's a damn idiot and he hasn't paid the bill for it yet," she spat. "Or maybe it's from Musou throwing it across the floor after that argument with Kikyou. Either way, it won't work. Where does he keep his cell!"

I shrugged, glancing out and trying to catch a glimpse of mom. "I don't know. Maybe he took it with him."

"I heard him say it needed charging earlier, so he was leaving it here…should be done by now…" Then she turned to me sharply, and looked like she'd really only just noticed I was there. "And why the hell are you just standing here with your mouth open? Are you a guppy or something? Either help me look for Musou's phone, or go try to help mom." The harsh way she said it sort of stung. I bit my lip and didn't move. "Well?" she snapped.

"I just…what can I actually do?" I asked, feeling useless.

"Well," Kagura began, scrounging in a pile in the corner of the room, "to be honest, hell if I know. You're pretty much worthless, anyone ever told you that?" I wasn't sure whether that was a question I was actually supposed to answer or not, but I shook my head anyway. She went on, "Just…go see mom, maybe she can give you something to do that's not too hard."

Trying as hard as I could to pretend that what she'd said didn't hurt, I nodded and went to the living room where I figured mom was. I was right – she was lying on the couch and breathing heavily. Every now and then, she let out a cry. Sweat was running in streaks down her face. I wanted to fall limp on the floor – this was terrifying…I'd never seen my mom like this, and I'd never thought I would.

Softly, I said, "Mom?"

She began to open her eyes, looking like it was the most difficult thing she'd ever done. "J – Jakotsu…?" she asked.

"Yeah," I murmured. "What can I…can I do anything?"

"Did Kagura…call the hospital…yet?" she inquired. Every word seemed to be costing strength. I winced.

"She's still looking for Musou's phone," I said. A strange, resigned look came over mom's face. My alarm rose. "What should I do!"

She shook her head a little. "I don't think…there's…anything."

Kagura's words echoed in my head. 'You're pretty much worthless, anyone ever told you that?'

'I guess I really am,' I thought. Before I knew it, I was crying. I hated myself. And as far as I could tell, everyone else did too. Kagura, Musou, dad, most everyone at school…and maybe even Inuyasha. They'd all hinted I was no good, but before now I'd purposefully never picked up on it. Now I couldn't run anymore – it was true, and I knew it.

"Please…don't cry." Mom's voice brought me whamming back into the reality of everything. "You're…only a little boy…Jakotsu. It's…not…your fault." Her eyes closed again.

I knew I shouldn't, but I started hating her then too. How could she lie like that? She knew I was useless just like everyone else did, but she was trying to lie about it! Boy, when she got better, I'd…

Kagura walked in, her face ashen and cell phone in hand. "I just called, they should be over – " She stopped abruptly and looked at mom. "Oh God, Jakotsu, is she breathing!"

"I - I don't know," I choked out, stunned. My whole body started shaking. Things were getting even worse, though I didn't know how that could have been possible at the time.

"You fucking moron!" she screamed, storming over and slapping me.

"Don't touch me!" I shouted back, punching her. The expression on her face turned from shock (I'd never defended myself against anyone before), to anger, to disgust.

"Never mind, we don't have time for tha – OH MY GOD!" Kagura had gone even paler. "I guess she is still alive…"

"Why? What!" I said in a startled tone. Kagura took me by the shoulder, moved me over on the end of the couch where mom's feet were and pointed near bits of a woman I'd never wanted to see, toward something…moving.

"That's called a head," she said, sounding like she was barely repressing the panic in her voice.

"Eeeeew," I muttered, staring despite my huge urge to turn away.

At that moment, we both saw lights in the driveway out of the corners of our eyes. Kagura ran over and opened the door. Three or so men sprinted up. Two went straight over to mom, and the other one ushered Kagura and me into the kitchen.

"Hey!" said Kagura indignantly. "I'm old enough, I want to see mom!"

The doctor gave her a look that was undoubtedly patronizing. "No, dear, I'm sorry. It's time for the grown-ups to take care of your mom now. You can see her later, okay?"

Boldly, Kagura smacked him as best she could. "No, it's not okay. Who do you think has been helping her before now, even with that," she pointed at me; I glared, "running around and freaking out?"

"I wasn't – " I started, but then a loud, shrill cry from the living room interrupted me.

"'Scuse, for just a second," said the doctor. He went into the living room, was gone for about two minutes, then came back and laughed rather too loudly to be completely believable. "Congratulations! You kids have a new baby brother!"

Kagura wrinkled up her nose and surveyed me distastefully. "Oh God, not another one." I stuck out my tongue. She ignored me and asked, looking fearful, "But what about mom?"

"So!" said the doctor hastily. "Do you guys gave any neighbors who could take you in?"

Kagura took a deep breath, shuddering, and fell into one of the chairs by the table. "She's dead, isn't she?"

"Next door appears to have the lights on," muttered the doctor.

"Inuyasha!" I cried.

The doctor smiled. "Ah, so you have a friend – "

"I said, she's DEAD isn't she? Don't ignore me, you bastard!" shouted Kagura, balling her fists.

Instantly, the smile turned to a frown. "Where'd you learn that language, kid? You can't be older than ten."

"Well great, thanks for proving that for me," she whispered venomously. I thought I saw a tear.

I looked between them, not sure what was going on. Dead…I'd heard that word before, but I'd never been able to figure out what it meant. "What's 'dead' mean, Kagura?"

Eyes full of loathing, she scowled at me and snapped, "Dead means never coming back, gone forever, getting buried ten feet under and laughing from whatever's beyond this life – if anything – while everyone gets weepy over your body! Okay, Jakotsu, do you understand that!" I got the impression that the doctor's presence might have been the only thing keeping her from slapping me again.

It felt like my heart was dying or something, because there was terrible pain coming from somewhere in my body…everything hurt worse than I could remember it ever hurting before. "Never? But…but why not?"

"They just can't, all right?" growled Kagura, her voice almost breaking.

"So…I'll never see mommy again? Never?" I repeated.

"No! What part of what I said is so damn hard to understand! I didn't think you were THAT stupid!"

"Now, now," said the doctor. He said something else too, and we started moving. I couldn't really hear any of it, though. My body may have been there, but my mind was somewhere far away.

Vaguely, I recall finding myself at Inuyasha's doorstep. He answered the door; for some reason, I remember there was a spot of black paint on his nose. Any other time, I would've just died over how cute it looked, but at that moment it was simply some paint on some kid.

His mom came up and talked to the doctor. Inuyasha's brother appeared, and Kagura went with him. All of a sudden, I realized I was actually inside, but didn't remember moving from the doorstep. A hand – Inuyasha's hand, though I wouldn't realize that for a few days – grabbed mine and I grabbed it back as hard as I could. Then I was moving again, and when I stopped I dimly registered that I was in Inuyasha's room. Once again, any other time I would've been past elated that he'd brought me into his room, but right then, it meant nothing. Nothing really meant anything.

"What happened to you?" Inuyasha's blunt voice broke through the shield that was around me.

There were so many things I wanted to say. But when I opened my mouth, only one word came out. "Dead."

Looking exasperated, Inuyasha replied, "I don't speak in one word sentences." Then he looked kind of pleased with himself.

I closed my eyes. He must hate me, I guessed, but who can blame him? Then I realized he still must be expecting an answer, so I said – more like 'squeaked', actually, when I think about it, "Mommy's dead. Kagura said when people are dead, they don't come back, ever. Not even the doctor or daddy or anyone else can help them."

"Not ever?" he asked, suddenly appearing taken aback.

"N – no…" I tried to be strong. I did. But I couldn't just stand there quietly anymore. I felt like bursting, and I had to let it out. I grabbed Inuyasha in a tight hug and just…cried for a long time. I might've said some things too, but I don't really remember. I don't remember falling asleep on him either, but he says I did.

Geez, that could've been one of the best nights in my young life – holding hands, hugging…damn. Figures that the only way it came about was through tragedy and that I can't remember half of it to boot.

I try not to think about mom's funeral. It hurt enough already, just because, well, my mom was dead. Things were made worse, though, by the fact that Musou and dad just wouldn't stop fighting with each other. Dad seemed to be of the opinion that we were all at fault, but Musou the most. Just half an hour before the funeral was about to start, dad cornered Musou outside the church and started in on it again.

"I told you not to go out that night, didn't I? And, being the complete idiot that you are, you – "

"Oh shut up! If you were so concerned, you should've just stayed home your – "

"You forget, I was not home because I had a job. On the other hand, you were not home because you decided it would be fun to go get drunk with a bunch of flooz – "

"Lord, this is just rich." That said, Musou started to walk away, but dad grabbed his throat and shoved him up against the wall. Kagura and I, who'd been watching from around the corner, glanced at each other briefly and ran off. It was too hard to watch anymore.

Bankotsu and my other friends were waiting inside, and I took a seat with them in the church. Not long after, Inuyasha and his family came in. And…well, obviously, Inuyasha wasn't exactly happy to be there. No one failed to notice that either.

Bankotsu is watching again, 'cause he noticed I typed his name (He's noooooooooosy. How do you like that, eh?). He just said, "Let's be frank, Jakotsu, he was a complete brat that day."

Well…okay. He was. And I couldn't stand seeing him for a few weeks afterward because of it.

But, hey, I'm the forgiving sort. Especially when it comes to such a little cutie.