A couple of years ago, when I was about twelve, I was looking through a box of junk in the garage and found a bunch of those green plastic army men that boys always seem to have but never play with. I never played with mine, anyway, which is probably why they ended up in a box in the garage.
To my preadolescent mind, however, they were now interesting, but for all the wrong reasons. I grabbed a few of them, and headed into the backyard with a book of matches. I was going through a kind of a pyromaniac phase, and had been setting small things on fire whenever I had the chance. The army men wouldn't burn, so I snuck just a little gasoline from the can in the garage we use to fill the lawnmower. Then they burned. Nearly set my arm on fire, too. But it was worth it to see the army guys melt into green gobs in a blaze of flame and black smoke.
I stopped burning things not long after that. That got boring, just like everything did at that age. I thought about those army guys again, though, once I started dating Beast Boy. Were they alive too? Did they feel it when I burned them? I don't think they were alive. They never moved or talked like Beast Boy or my sister's stupid, slutty Barbie. I think it's because they don't have names. They are just generic army guys. Only the toys that have names and personalities get to come alive. I hope.

I should have known it would never last with Beast Boy and me. He's a plastic toy-how long can you have an affair with something like that before you get caught or you go nuts? I used to burn toys like him-now I'm sleeping with them? That makes no sense. So I guess it had to end, sooner or later.What made it bad is that it was my fault it ended.
For a couple of weeks, I had a great time with Beast Boy. Whenever I had some time alone in the house, I would bring him to my bed and we would make love. It was easy for me, all I had to do was rub or lick his bump and he would go nuts. It as a lot more work for him to get me off. It was great at first, but to be honest, he was so small he couldn't do that much for me. Sometimes I had to finish myself off, if you know what I mean.
We were going to Target. Again. My Mom loves that store. Caitlin and my Dad were going too, a real family outing. Up in my room, I had just shoved Beast Boy down my pants for a quick bit of playtime before we left for the store.
"Are you ready to go?" my Mom asked while opening my bedroom door. I jumped, and quickly pulled my hand out of my pants.
"Oh" my mom said, then tried to pretend she hadn't seen anything. "We're ready to leave," she said. "Wash your hands and come downstairs."
Damn! She thinks I was playing with myself. How embarrassing. I pulled Beast Boy out of my underwear.
"I gotta go," I told him. I kissed his face. "I'll be back in a couple of hours." I sat Beast Boy on me desk next to Robin. Robin scowled at me. He hated that fact that Beast Boy and I were lovers. The first week I had them, he complained whenever Beast Boy and I tried to do it. By the second week, however, he stopped yelling and quietly watched us from the desk, a depressed and lonely look on his face.
"You're not good for him," Robin said to me.
"Mind your own business," I answered.
When I got downstairs, I saw Mom and Dad speaking quietly. Dad gave me a funny look. Thanks, Mom. Why don't you just announce it over the loudspeaker at Target? 'Attention Target customers. I caught my son masturbating!'
I was quickly getting into a bad mood. In the minivan on the way to the store, Caitlin was playing with her Barbie. I hadn't forgotten my last run in with that doll. I leaned over towards Caitlin.
"your doll is stupid," I said. Caitlin stuck her tongue out at me. She whispered something to her Barbie, then held the doll to her ear for a response.
"Mom, What does 'gay' mean?" she called out.
Mom seemed startled for a moment. "It means happy," she answered. A quizzical look on her face reflected in the rear view mirror.
Caitlin leaned across the back seat. "I don't think you're happy," she said to me in a low voice. "I think you're mean".
"Shut up," I growled. That damn Barbie was going to come up missing next time Caitlin left it alone.
At the store, I decided to go look at the Teen Titans toys. But when I got to the toy department, I suddenly felt nervous. It was like I would be cheating on Beast Boy by looking at the other action figures. 'No, it's not cheating,' I thought to myself. 'They're all the same.'
Than it hit me. They ARE all the same. That means I could buy another Beast Boy and Robin, and do it with two BB's at the same time. My penis jumped in my pants at the thought. Luckily, the store hadn't run out of the Beast Boy and Robin set. I quickly grabbed the package and headed towards the checkout.
'Beast Boy is gonna love this,' I thought as I ran to my room with my Target shopping bag. Beast Boy was where I had left him on my desk. Robin was at the far edge of the desk, his back to Beast Boy.
"Look what I got us!"
Beast Boy looked at the package in my hands and his mouth fell open.
"What the hell is this?" he yelled. Robin whipped his head around.
"You bought another set!"Robin shouted. He ran over to the edge of the desk near where I was standing. "Why did you do that?"
"That's what I want to know!" yelled Beast Boy. "I thought you liked me!"
"I do like you," I answered. "That's why I bought another one. I want twice the Beast Boy!"
I opened the package. The new Beast Boy and Robin tumbled onto the floor. I picked them up and set them on the desk.
"You don't like me!" Beast Boy yelled. "You like...you like...Beast Boy, but not me!"
I knew what he was trying to say. "No," I said, but Beast Boy didn't listen. He turned and ran to the end of the desk.
"What's the matter with him?" asked the new Beast Boy.
"Beast Boy is, I mean, he's my boyfriend," I said. "I thought that-"
"No way!" The new Beast Boy shouted. "Don't even think about it. I like girls."
"But I thought-"
"That we're all the same? Not even close."
I walked over to the edge of the desk, to the first Beast Boy. "BB," I began, but Beast Boy cut me off.
"I can't talk to you right now," he said. "Leave me alone."
I sighed and went outside for a while, to let things cool off. What the hell was I thinking? I mentally kicked myself for making such a stupid mistake. Then, I got an idea.
I waited about a half an hour before returning to my room. The two Beast Boys sat about a foot apart on the desk, both kind of staring blankly ahead. I suddenly realized that I couldn't tell them apart. I leaned in to the one closest to me.
"I'm sorry," I said.
Beast Boy pointed at his duplicate self. "You want him." I leaned over towards the other Beast Boy. "I'm sorry."
"You want him." he answered, pointing at the first Beast Boy.
I guess I deserved this. "I'm sorry both of you," I said. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone."
Both Beast Boys looked at me.
"I've got an idea," I said. "Why don't the new Beast Boy go live with my sister? She has Barbies and Kens, you'll have people to talk to."
The Beast Boy on the left stood up. "I've got a better idea," he said. "Why don't I go live with your sister?. I don't want to be here anymore."
"No, please, BB," I pleaded. "I said I'm sorry."
"I need time to think," said Beast Boy. "Please take me to your sister's room."
Sadly, I picked Beast Boy up and headed towards Caitlin's room.

So that's how it ended. Beast Boy, MY Beast Boy, is now living in my sister's room. I let him go, hoping he would come back. He didn't , and lately has been dating Ken. Yes, that Ken. So much for Barbie's 'cure'.
Robin #1 still lives in my room. He seems happier now. Much happier, actually. He and Robin #2 are lovers. They don't think I know, but at night, when I'm trying to sleep, I can hear the soft clink of plastic bumping plastic, and the occasional muffled moan.
Beast Boy #2 has become sort of a friend. Not a lover, mind you-it took him a while to get over what I tried to do. No, he's just a friend, and he's actually pretty smart. He told me I'd work it all out eventually, and figure out what to do.
Running all of these events through my head, it occurs to me that. I'm not through burning plastic toys after all. The flames I ignite now are more accurate however. Now, I'm just melting their hearts. I feel bad about that, but I'm getting over it. Beast Boy #2 is right. I have figured out what to do. I've learned my lesson. To hell with the skinny green kid, I want a real man.
Next time I'm at Target, I'm buying a Cyborg.