Warning: Mentions of betiality (nothing explicit)
Note: Written for a challenge for the livejournal community hogwartsishome.
Disclaimer: I'm not JK, I own no one.
"Healer, Healer, I need a healer NOW!"
Healer-trainee Tracey Goyle jumped up as the shout permeated through the Animal Mishap Wing of St. Mungo's. A jolt of panic and excitement went through her body, this was her first real case in this wing, and it looked like it was going to be an emergency.
Just then the source of the shout entered the reception area carrying an orange bundle in her arms and spotted her. "You," the lady snapped, "are you a healer? Can you help him?" The bundle, it turned out was an orangey cat with an odd face that lead Tracey to believe it wasn't a pure cat.
"Well," the lady demanded, "can you help him?"
Tracey stammered out some nonsense and then cursed. Where the hell is Lisa she thought, she's supposed to be training me right? I can't deal with these things on the first day of a new rotation. Finally, taking a deep breath Tracey answered the impatient woman, "Miss, you'll have to fill out these forms before I can do anything with your cat."
"He's half kneazle," snapped the woman and then she snatched the forms out of the healer-trainee's hands and started filling them out.
"Umm, while you're filling out those forms maybe you could explain to me what's wrong with your cat, sorry, cat-kneazle hybrid," Tracey corrected when the woman's head snapped up at the word cat.
"My wand is stuck up his arse," replied the woman as if she was saying the sky is blue. "I need you to get it out."
Tracey just started at the woman and then asked weakly, "And how did our wand get up his arse?"
"Well, obviously I put it there." The woman stated in that matter of fact tone again, "I just pushed a bit too hard this time and it got stuck. I didn't want to risk tearing anything by simply pulling it out."
Still feeling faint, and thinking that she might regret asking this question, Tracey still asked it, "Again? Why was your wand up there in the first place?"
The lady gave her an impatient look and then snapped, "Why do you think?" Then she handed her the forms and began stroking her cat. "Here are the forms. Now will you help him?"
"Of course Miss," Tracey glanced down at the forms and suddenly felt like fainting again. This was Hermione Granger. The best friend of Harry Potter. The Master of Transfiguration. One of the most famous people in the Wizarding World. Standing in front of her. With a cat. A cat with a wand stuck up his arse.
That thought pulled Tracey from her thoughts. "Granger, follow me and we'll examine your cat…kneazle hybrid," she hastily added as that look came upon Hermione Granger's face again.
As Tracey led Hermione Granger to an examining room a thought (other than the fact that Hermione Granger was following her) crossed her mind, why wasn't the cat making any noise? Was it dead? Could putting a wand up a cat's arse really kill it? Maybe she should just ask.
"Umm, Miss Granger? Is there a reason you're cat isn't moving or making any noise?" Tracey asked, fearing the answer.
Hermione Granger rolled her eyes, "Of course there is a reason. I petrified him." At Tracey's horrified look, Hermione Granger elaborated, "It's a trick wand up his arse you see. I learned my lesson about putting my real wand up there last time. If he moves around too much it'll turn into whatever it's supposed to turn into, and I think that might be a bit harder too pull out than a wand."
"Ahh, yes that does make some sense," Tracey agreed quickly and then, upon realizing they had reached the desired room and opened the door. Hermione Granger walked in as if she had done this many times, gave her petrified cat a kiss and set him on the examination table.
"Now I must warn you," Tracey said as she moved to examine the cat, "this is my first day in this wing, so if you want to wait for Lisa, I mean Healer Turpin, to come back from her break I wouldn't be offended. But I did do my last rotation in the Children's Ward, so I'm well versed in pulling things out from places they don't belong."
"Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine. I could do this if I wanted, but Lisa insisted I bring in each time I have a problem with him. You're first day huh? So that's why you didn't give you're name or ask for his. It's Crookshanks by the way."
Tracey's face flushed as she realized she had forgotten the most basic part of dealing with patients. "I'm so sorry, I'm Healer-Trainee Tracey Goyle," Tracey stammered yet again. "Alright, I've finished the exam, I'm just going to put a bit of this cream around the wand and say the spell."
Hermione Granger nodded impatiently, like she already knew all of this, then a thoughtful look crossed her face. "Goyle, any relation to a Gregory Goyle?"
"My cousin," Tracey said shortly as she applied the cream. She was very sick of the Goyle name being defaced because of the actions of that branch of the family. Then she said the spell and the wand-fake wand- flew into her hand. "There we go, right as rain. You can unpetrify him now. Make sure you use this cream for the next few days, and don't stick anything up his arse for-"
"A week, I know," Hermione finished and then unpetrified her cat. The cat-Crookshanks- immediately began howling and Hermione Granger went to cuddle it. "umm, Healer Goyle, do you mind if I have a few moments, I'll be out in a bit to take care of everything else."
"Alright, just no sticking any more wands up his arse, okay?" Tracey said and then walked out. When she got back to the waiting area she nearly collapsed into one of the chairs.
Lisa, who had apparently gotten back from her break while Tracey was with Crookshanks and Hermione Granger, rushed over. "What's wrong dear?"
Tracey sighed and leaned back in the chair, "I just pulled a wand out of a cat's, no, and cat-kneazle hybrid's, arse."
"Oh," Lisa exclaimed, "is Hermione here? Again? You know, I know she loves Crookshanks, but I swear one of these days she's going to love him to death." Then Lisa frowned suspiciously, "Are they still here? You didn't leave them alone did you?" At Tracey's nod, Lisa swore, "Damn, never ever let those two stay in a room alone. I better go interrupt now."
"Interrupt what?" Tracey asked, truly confused. "Hey, why was there a wand up Crookshanks arse anyways?"
Lisa looked at her and then went around the desk, pulled something out, and tossed it to Tracey. "Here, a gift for all new Healers in this wing. It should explain everything," and then she rushed off to the room Hermione and Crookshanks were using.
Tracey glanced at the title, Witches and Their Familiars, and opened the book to a random page. As she glanced at the picture on the page she heard Lisa shout in the background, "Hermione, get away from the cat!" and she snapped the book shut. Oh.