Disclaimer: I own nothing
Chapter 8: Library disaster and bad, bad nifflers!
Lily was tired. Being attached to James Potter was pretty exhausting; there simply was never a dull moment. All in one day she was had been a fireman –or firewoman as Lily preferred being called— putting out fires, a peacemaker stopping fights, and, er, an observer examining the surroundings of a boy's toilet?
She and James had struggled through the day of classes. In each class they had to endure the staring, teasing, pointing—or should I just say a long list that could fit on a five foot length of parchment.
It was finally dinner time, much to James' delight. The Marauders, Lily, and Anna exited the History of Magic's classroom, where James was eagerly discussing the subject of dinner to Sirius. However, Lily had other ideas. James thought they were making their way to the great hall - to his utter dismay, she was leading him somewhere else.
"Er, what are you doing? Have you forgotten which way the great hall is? It's in the other direction," James pointed, "Follow the smell…no, wait, that's Sirius odour." He blocked his nose, while Sirius let out an offended, "Hey! I don't smell that bad!"
"Oh no, Potter. We're going to the library."
Lily dragged him strongly by the hand, further and further away from his dinner in the Great Hall. Sirius laughed, thinking Lily was joking. In slow realization, he understood she was being serious and gasped in horror.
"The library!" James groaned. "Why?"
"We're going to start doing some research, and also find a spell that can save us from our toilet problem."
There is no freaking way Potter is going to be going to the girl's toilets with me, Lily thought indignantly.
"Bye then, Prongsie! Have a good time in the library." Sirius gave James an obvious wink.
James looked back at him oddly, not fully understanding what the wink was supposed to mean. Sirius clapped him on the back in a friendly manner; a bit too hard for James to handle so resulted in him coughing and stumbling a few steps forward.
"Bye, Anna. See you later," Lily told her friend and pulled James away from the boys.
Again, Anna and the two remaining Marauders watched James and Lily hurry off for the second time that day. As the three of them made their way to the Great Hall, Sirius smiled and started chuckling to himself again. Remus and Anna jointly gave him strange stares.
"Oh, come on! Those two crack me up! Hurrying off to the library, yeah right, like they will actually read—"
"Padfoot, you're not going to make another bet that James and Lily are snogging again are you?" Remus asked. "You didn't even win the last one. James already explained; yYou opened the door in their faces which made them fall to the ground in that, um...odd position."
Sirius snorted, "Odd position, my arse! Lily was practically getting it on with James on the boy's bathroom floor!" That comment earned a smack off Anna. "Ow. And I ask you this, why exactly were James and Lily standing in front of the door like that?"
Remus tried to think of an explanation but nothing came to mind.
Oh my goodness, Remus thought. Sirius Black has outsmarted me...
"You have to admit, Sirius has got a point," Anna said quietly, regretting her words after seeing Sirius' expression.
"My, Anna, do I hear you agreeing with moi-?"
"Shut up, Sirius."
Sirius noticed her anger. "I take it you're still angry at me, then?"
"You used me as a human vomit shield!"
Remus interrupted before Anna made herself vomit on purpose on Sirius's face just to prove a point.
"By the way, where's Peter?" Remus asked.
"Oh, he went back to the hospital wing," Sirius informed.
"Why?" Anna asked suspiciously.
"He had brown bubbles coming out of him, very disturbing indeed. Especially when they popped and released a smell, and they were also popping out of both ends if you get what I mean—"
Anna held up her hand as a signal to stop, "Too much information."
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Lily was marching down the aisles of books in the library, picking out books that had any hint of anything to do with James and her hands bounded together, and also anything to do with toilet problems. She dumped them hastily for James to hold.
"Evans, you do know that I only have one hand to hold all these stupid books?" James pointed out, while he held a high stack that wobbled in his one free hand. "And why do you keep picking out the heavy, thick ones?"
To cause you pain and torture to you, Lily thought resentfully.
"Suck it up, Potter. You're a guy. Guys are supposed to be strong, aren't they? Quit whining." Lily chucked him another heavy book that nearly made his stack topple over. "I think that will do for now." Lily pulled him towards a table and sat down.
"For now? Aw man..." James muttered. Reading didn't interest James much, only magazines with titles such as 'Quidditch brooms monthly' and 'Veela dreams' - and let's say that particular magazine didn't have a lot of writing in it, more of the graphical kind.
Lily picked a book from the stack of the pile called 'Sticky spells in sticky situations and how to reverse them', sat down, opened the book and began to read. James reluctantly followed suit, grabbed a random book and sat next to her, pretending to read. However, it had only been five minutes before James had gotten bored.
What the hell is wrong with this place? Libraries suck, James complained to himself. There's nothing to do but read!
Lazily, James picked up the book and placed it on his head for his own amusement. He tried balancing and seeing how long it would stay on his head.
Lily had been contently reading until she realised that James was fidgeting a lot because her hand was being tugged. She tilted her head up and saw James not reading, but being utterly useless instead; balancing the book on his head whilst his arm was out wide trying to keep him steady.
"Potter, stop it!" she whispered furiously.
Alas, James was a little shocked to hear Lily's sudden voice and turned his head. At such a quick action, the book fell to the floor, pages fluttering as it fell. The sound echoed in the quiet library and there were some annoyed hushed 'sssh!' from some pupils who had been rudely interrupted by the sound.
"I'd been timing myself for how long that book was balanced on my head," James talked audibly, "It had been 6 minutes and 23 seconds before you distracted me!"
Lily gave him an indignant look. "Will you keep your voice down? Besides, you're supposed to be reading and find out how we can get cured! Do you want us to stay like this forever?"
James looked at her, thoughts coming back of the first dream he had of her. Lily sitting with him by the lake in his arms…how comfortable and natural it felt while their hands were stuck together…the potion of Erised...
He found himself –or someone telling him in the back of his mind, possibly Sirius—saying a quiet "yes..."
But no way in hell would he admit that to Evans.
Before James was about to reply, he could hear the steps of an individual walking over. Lily mumbled an "uh oh" and James turned around to see a miffed Madam Pince, her eyes blazing as she picked up the book that had been dropped to the floor seconds ago.
"Do not damage my precious books, Mr. Potter," Madam Pince said venomously. James made a squeak in response. The woman scared him to bits.
She examined the book at all angles and dusted it off, even though there was no dust to be seen. It wasn't exactly like the library's floor was filthy: no way in hell would Madam Pince have that. She placed the book in front of James.
"You are lucky, Mr. Potter. The book has not been harmed."
She speaks as if the book were her own child, James thought.
"Be more careful, or I will ban you from this library," she warned him, then stalked off.
"God, what stick got stuck up her arse," he elbowed Lily with a laugh. She did not find it humorous and went back to reading.
The hours passed on. Lily read quietly through the books whilst James had learnt his lesson from the book balancing and was instead balancing quills or sticking the quill horizontally in between his upper lip and nose. He showed this to Lily who again did not find it as comical.
"Ook wot I cun do, Evuns!" he said proudly, in an unrecognisable voice. It was hard to do the trick and speak at the same time.
Lily rolled her eyes as she shut another book that was once more no use to her or James and had no cure of separating them.
"This is useless. There's nothing in these stupid books about 'hand sticking spells'," Lily grumbled. "At least I found a spell that will cure our toilet problems anyway. All you have to do is point to your self with your wand saying this incantation, once in the morning and in the night every day using this spell," she explained, pointing to a spell in a page of a book she'd found.
"How the hell does that work?" James asked.
"I don't know, Potter. Just somehow you don't need or feel the urge to go to the toilet. I'm just glad I never have to go in your reeking boy's bathroom again."
"Hey! It didn't smell that bad!" James protested. "It's so ironic how you've found the spell to cure our toilet problems after the 'peeing incident' this morning."
"Tough luck, Potter, that's just the way it is."
James resisted the urge to snap at her. "So, are we going now, then?"
Lily laughed, not the response James would have liked. "No way," James put his head in his hands in misery, "There are still a few more books we can check."
"Evans, that'll take ages," he stressed, "searching through all these bloody books. I've got a good idea," he informed in an arrogant tone.
"Oh no," she shook her head, dismissing his idea before he even began to tell the vindication of it, "Your ideas normally turn out to be a complete disaster."
"No they don't! Look, I'm the one with the wand here—"
"Do not remind me," Lily muttered.
"All I gotta do is a summoning charm-"
"No! No, no, no, Potter!" She shook her head in distress. "That's the last spell you should use-"
"Let me show you, Evans," James said with a wolfish grin, "ACCIO 'HAND BOOKS'!" He swished his wand.
Everyone in the library turned to look at him. Some even cried in horror, registering what he'd just bellowed. Hurriedly, the students exited the library because of what was to come. James watched them with confusion as they ran.
"You idiot!" Lily cried.
James looked at her with the same bewilderment he had given the library runaways. He thought his idea was great. He looked towards the books on the shelves that they were slowly shuffling out of their tightly packed places, until they finally got free. What James had thought would be a mere five or six books come elegantly towards him, landing in his hand which would amazingly impress Evans.
He was very wrong.
Around a hundred –or maybe even more— random books from the shelves had decided that they were 'hand books' James requested for.
They both screamed as the books soared towards them. Speedily Lily tugged James' hand and pulled him under the table they had been reading it, using it as a shield. Frankly, she wouldn't have minded James getting pelted at with books; he deserved it. However, in their current hand situation, if he was hit with books, she would have to be standing at his side doing the same.
They huddled under the table and listened to the sound of pounding books knock hard and noisily on the wooden surface of the table. They both blocked one ear that they could protect from such an ear-splitting noise.
"Potter!" Lily shouted angrily. She had resorted to shouting in such a place that had ordered quietness because she couldn't hear her own voice because of the thumping of the books, along with odd crashes in the room.
"How many bloody books are there on hands?" James yelled as more books kept crashing at the table.
"Obviously a lot!" Lily picked up a book she grabbed from the floor. It read 'Handy silencing spells'. She cursed. Loudly.
"This book could be useful to use on you!" She hit James repeatedly on the arm.
"Ow! It doesn't make sense though—ow! That book has nothing to do with hand spells—ow! The spell somehow messed up—OW!"
"No, you messed up! The title of the book has got the word 'hand' in it though! Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with hands!"
James slowly realised what had happened. "Oh."
Finally, the bumping of books against the table stopped. James and Lily both clutched their heads in pain; they both headaches after that experience. They crawled from under the table and stood up to find a very messy sight.
There were books piled everywhere, not exactly in neat piles, but more like mountains you get in a rubbish tip. Chairs and tables were tipped over; a few aisles of bookcases had even fallen over somehow in the shock. There were also pages belonging to the books that had one way or another been ripped out and scattered in the air as they floated around the library in a type of whirlwind.
Suddenly a hand stuck out from a mountain of books and Lily shrieked in shock. Equally they could hear the muffling sound of a cry for help. The two of them stumbled over the books as they tried to pull the hand out. The person the hand belonged to finally got free, and James wished they hadn't helped the person after they discovered who it was. It was a violent, raging Madam Pince. James ruffled his hair anxiously. The couple winced as she began yelling.
"You are banned from this library!" she screamed at them. "How dare you harm my precious books? GET OUT, NOW!"
Speedily, the two stepped backwards towards the exit, but just a little too quickly for James as he tripped backwards unexpectedly. He landed on the floor, again, for the hundredth time that day. And, again, for the hundredth time that day, Lily smacked on top of him. They both groaned in pain, and also groaned at the fact they always seemed to fall on top of each other.
We really have to learn that when we fall, we fall away from each other, James thought, as he was beginning to think back to the images of the Erised potion, and was blushing every second Lily was still on top of him.
And guess who walked in at the library at that particular moment?
"I KNEW IT!"
Sirius cheered triumphantly, gazing at the two with his hands placed on his hips. He didn't seem to notice or even care that the library was in utter chaos. James and Lily turned red again at how they'd been caught twice in this uncompromising position.
"I have to tell Moony!" Sirius ran out of the library in an instant.
James and Lily swiftly stood up, and James looked to see what exactly he'd tripped over.
A book... James thought moodily. A bloody book...
He picked up the book which read the title 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but curses will hurt me quicker! The perfect guide to curses!'
"Stupid books...trying to kill me..." James grumbled. He took his gaze off the book to realise Madam Pince was still looking at them. Her eyes appeared to be popping out of her head with anger. She was especially not pleased to hear James insulting her 'precious books'.
"What are you still doing here? Get out of my library and away from my books!" Madam Pince screamed at them again, "NOW!"
They swiftly ran towards the exit, embarrassed and ashamed.
"I can't believe that just happened," Lily spoke tearfully.
The library, Lily thought, the one place I can get away from Potter because he doesn't go there, and it's destroyed and I've been BANNED.
On great timing, a smug Sirius returned to James and Lily who were leaning against the wall outside of the library exit. Following Sirius, was Remus and Anna, and the two spoke a friendly 'hey there' but had been overpowered by Sirius' sudden excited talk.
"I caught you two both in the act! AGAIN! Damn it, I didn't even bet on it this time. Where's that Peter when you need him."
James and Lily sighed in exhaustion.
Remus was about to enter the library and catch up with some light reading, however - James stopped him.
"I wouldn't go in there if I were you, mate."
Remus gave him a strange look before pushing the library door slightly open. Peeping inside, he saw the destruction and gaped. The distinct sudden voice of Madam Pince's shouting of "GET OUT!" made Remus shut the door with a snap.
"Well, thank you for destroying the one place I found comfort in."
"Don't mention it, Moony," James replied, clapping him on the back as they retreated back to the common room.
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Two hours later after the 'library incident', James and Lily were making their way across Hogwarts grounds where they were meeting for detention.
There seems to be a lot of bloody incidents, Lily thought moodily.
Professor Mansell had told them to meet outside the forbidden forest. Apparently the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Professor Lerangis, had a problem that needed to be fixed. Professor Mansell had suggested that the fifth years could 'easily' deal with it.
"She's a bloody potions teacher, why couldn't she of made us clean cauldrons or something?" James suggested.
"I dunno," Lily shrugged, "Probably because she fancies Professor Lerangis."
"Ugh!" James shivered, extremely grossed out. "That's disgusting! Professor Lerangis is old enough to be her son...maybe even grandson..."
Lily interrupted his disgusting thoughts with a question she was thinking about. "Don't you find it annoying how teachers make us do detention in the forbidden forest after they make a bloody fuss about it being forbidden?"
"I have to agree with you there, Evans, for once."
"And how they give us detention at night when its pitch black dark," Lily said, making many fleeting looks around.
James faced her closely. "Don't tell me you're scared?"
"Only at the fact at being so near to you in the dark," Lily spat at him.
They finally made their way to the edge of the forest and found Professor Lerangis holding lamps with Lucius Malfoy standing next to him waiting.
"You took your bloody time, Potter," Malfoy complained.
This is going to be a long night...James thought bitterly, if I killed Malfoy now in the dark there would be less witnesses though...
"Mr. Potter, and Miss Evans? Oh, of course - you're here because of the hand situation." He nodded in understanding.
Malfoy held a bored expression. "Can we get this detention over with already?"
"There is still one more person we are waiting for," Professor Lerangis informed, looking out in the darkness.
One more person? But I thought it was just us three? Lily wondered. Who else got detention? I hope it's not a Slytherin...
In spite of that, the person was worse; at least in Lily's opinion.
She let out a shriek as suddenly a pair of hands landed on her shoulders belonging to—
"BLACK!" Lily screamed. Although it was dark, the lamp showed his gleaming white teeth.
Sirius laughed heartily. "You should have seen your face! It was hilarious!" James also joined in, but halted after receiving Lily's glare. Both Lily and Malfoy made sounds of depression at Sirius' face. However, James was delighted.
"You're late, Mr Black," Professor Lerangis narrowed his eyes.
"Sorry. I gotta bit held up if you know what I mean." Sirius made a cheeky smile, elbowing James in the ribs. Lily rolled her eyes; she didn't want to know what Sirius had been up to, knowing it probably involved a girl and battling of the tongues. "As I always say sir, better late then never."
Professor Lerangis tried to keep his a stern expression but it eventually faded.
"You never said earlier that you got detention, Padfoot."
"Slipped my mind Prongs."
"Well, what did you do? Get magically attached to a crazy red head?" James earned another hit off Lily on the arm. "What's with the hitting at the arm? That arm's going drop off any second. Try and change the places, please?"
"Gladly," without delay, she hit him on the back of the head.
"Ow! Okay, I take back what I said. Just stop hitting me altogether. As I was saying Padfoot; what did you get detention for?"
Sirius looked uncomfortable and looked away in embarrassment. "I got it for...well...um...flirtinguhwithuhprofessoruhmansell..."
"What? I didn't quite catch that, Padfoot? Speak s-l-o-w-e-r."
"I said...I got it for...flirting with Professor Mansell," Sirius said quietly.
"WHAT?" The fifth years spat, including Malfoy who was most utterly shocked. He realised the others were looking at him so he quickly made a snide comment of "As if I care..."
"You flirted with Professor Mansell?" Lily said in disgust. She really didn't understand him.
Sirius grinned. "Jealous are we, Lily?"
"Get over yourself."
"So, why exactly did you flirt with Professor Mansell?" James asked.
"I kinda forgot to do the essay she set us—"
"So flirting with her was the answer?"
"Yes! Flirting is always the answer! Besides, c'mon, you gotta admit that Professor Mansell is hot in a kind of evil, bitchy, professor kind of way—"
Professor Lerangis coughed loudly. "That will do, Mr. Black. Let's get this detention started, shall we?"
"Yes please," Lily muttered.
"Now, unfortunately earlier today I was having a lesson with a second year's class when four nifflers escaped into the forest—"
"On no, not them horrific black fur balls," Malfoy spat.
"Yes Malfoy. What I'd like you four to do is go find them for me."
"Why did four nifflers go into the forest for, a midnight picnic?" James joked.
"I don't know, Potter, but I would like you four to find them for me. It is an easy task. I trust you all know about nifflers and how they are attracted to shiny objects." The four nodded. "I want you try and get them back; unharmed please." The professor shot Malfoy a warning look, as if he was afraid of the nifflers safety in Malfoy's hands. The boy scoffed back as if to say 'I'll try but I'm not promising anything'.
"I have some leashes here, so when you find the nifflers –you can attach the leashes to them so they won't run away again— and a lamp for each of you." Lerangis handed the objects to them. "Now, I have other business attend to. I suggest you split up so you will find the niffler's quicker. I will check up on you later. If you're in trouble, then just send red sparks into the sky with your wands." Professor Lernagis began his way back to the castle.
"Wait, Professor Lerangis!" Lily shouted in outrage. "Professor, you can't leave me with these idiots!" The boys looked at her with affront. Frankly, she didn't care.
"Miss. Evans, you will be fine. I'm sure Mr. Potter will protect you."
God, he's a cheeky bugger for a teacher, Lily thought. James smirked and made a vivacious wink. Lily replied with a sound of revulsion.
"You'll be my damsel in distress, Evans, and I'll be your knight in shining armour—"
"Shut up, Potter."
"Okay then. Professor Lerangis said to split up. Looks like Evans and I will go search one way, and you and Malfoy will go the other," James told Sirius. Sirius was extremely upset at this news.
"You're abandoning one of your marauders for a girl!" Sirius cried in devastation. "I never thought this day would come! I'd never thought you'd choose a girl over me! Leaving me with this git Malfoy—"
"Watch your mouth, Black! I'm not exactly dying to be stuck with you either—"
"—This is a friggin conspiracy! You're ganging up against me—"
"Oh Black, will you shut up," Lily snapped. "Of course Potter and I will have to go together. Our hands are stuck; we've got no other sodding choice! Unless you would like to saw our hands separate or something considering we can't find the bloody cure."
"I think I might have a saw in the dormitory—"
"Padfoot," James warned.
"Oh, fine! Spoilsport! Let's go then, shovel face!" Sirius said stomping off into the forest, indicating to Malfoy to follow.
"I heard that, Black!" Malfoy yelled. "Here's your lamp!" Sirius had forgotten the lamp in the process of his hissy fit.
Malfoy threw it at Sirius. Unfortunately, Sirius hadn't turned around fast enough to catch it so it hit the back of his head - much to Malfoy's delight. The boy laughed manically.
James and Lily watched as the two enemies trailed off into the forest.
"I hope a niffler bites you on the arse, Malfoy! Or even better, bites off your balls!"
"Well, the bloody fur ball wouldn't have a problem biting your balls off would it, Black, because you don't have any!"
Their voices finally disappeared so the two were left in silence. They exchanged tired looks.
"Well, let's go this over with, then," Lily said.
"This will be fun. Operation: Find the Nifflers," James said unenthusiastically, as he and Lily made their way into the dark, gloomy forest.
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"Here niffler niffler niffler, here niffler niffler niffler, here—"
"BLACK, will you shut it? You're repetitive calling is scaring the stupid mutt's off." Malfoy pushed tree branches away of his path.
"Well, at least I'm trying!" Sirius put a hand to his chest, "Instead of you who's just been scowling the whole time!" He made an ugly impression of Malfoy with his nose stuck up.
"Real mature, Black," Malfoy commentated.
Sirius stuck out his tongue and walked ahead of him, calling the creatures once more.
"Here niffler niffler niffler, here—"
"Black, I swear to Merlin, if you keep talking, I'm going to turn you into a bloody niffler and give you to Professor Lerangis myself."
"It shouldn't be hard to turn you into a niffler, Malfoy. Your face already resembles a niffler's backside." Sirius he raised his lamp higher as they continued walking. He was pushing through branches when he held on to one, pulling it back hard. "Oi, Malfoy, watch your face," Sirius warned him, grinning.
"What?"
Sirius laughed in satisfaction as he let go of the branch and it flung and hit Malfoy squarely in his nose.
"BLACK!"
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Meanwhile, Lily and James didn't seem to be having any more luck finding the nifflers.
"Nifflers? Hey, nifflers? Where are you stupid little buggers?" James said irritably.
"Oh yeah, calling them 'stupid little buggers' is really going to make them come to us."
"Well, I'm running out of ideas, Evans. I can't believe Professor Lerangis said this was an 'easy task'." James cursed as he stumbled on a rock.
"Watch your feet; you never know what you might step in," Lily warned him.
James looked at her oddly. "What are you talking about—?"
Regrettably, he couldn't continue the sentence because he'd somehow slipped on something after Lily's word of warning.
He fell to the ground; head-first and on to his stomach. Luckily, Lily didn't fall with him, or on top of him this time, merely just bending to her knees. She placed her lamp on the ground. In the process, James had dropped his lamp which dropped violently to the floor. It had somehow broken and the light had gone out.
"I told you so, Potter. Well done," Lily spoke in a dry tone. "Now we've only got one lamp. Potter? Are you listening to me?" She expected a remark back but instead there was silence. "Potter? Hello?" She poked him in the back.
"I think we're on the right track," James mumbled to the ground.
"What do you mean?"
"We're on the right track to the nifflers."
"Why do say that?" Lily asked, looking at the back of James' head.
He slowly tilted his head up to face hers.
Without more ado, Lily burst out laughing and collapsed to the floor with him in a giggling fit.
"Well, considering I have what look's like," he wiped a hand to his cheek, "niffler's crap on my face, I'd say they're nearby." He used his free hand to wipe the nifflers revolting droppings off his skin. "Actually, I'll use my other hand!"
Lily's smile abruptly disappeared. "Don't you dare!" she warned, as James brought their bounded hands closer to his brown covered features.
"Ooo, Evans, never dare me."
James forced Lily to the ground at sat on her. He wiped the foul droppings off his cheek, collecting them into his hand. They were still moist so it stuck to his hand with ease.
Then, whilst holding the struggling Lily down, he wiped the hand of nifflers poop into Lily's face. She squealed in repulsion as the wet droppings touched her skin. She let out a breath of anger as James smiled smugly back at his poop masterpiece across her features.
Lily made an unexpected smile, surprising James.
"You'll pay for that, Potter."
Lily pushed him off her and grabbed the niffler droppings, prepared for war.
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However, Sirius was hardly having any fun. He had grown bored of the continuous insulting with Malfoy or hurting him with tree branches. So instead, there was complete silence as they made their way through the forest. The silence was kind of unnerving: it was just too quiet. He carried on walking, thinking Malfoy was behind him following; until he turned around and realised he wasn't.
"Malfoy?" He called out to the darkness. "Oi! Shovel face!" He looked around in all directions.
I can't believe it! He ditched me! Sirius thought madly. A Slytherin ditched me! Unbelievable!
He wondered if he should go search for Lily and James, when he heard a shuffling sound behind him. He turned around instinctively and spotted two fluffy black creatures popping their heads out of a bush, approaching him with wariness; it was the two out of the four nifflers.
"Aw! Aren't you two cute?" Sirius admired the two fluffy long snouted animals. The nifflers flinched at the sound of his voice. Sirius started to walk towards them. "I think I'll call you Remus," he pointed to the one on the left. "And you James!" He pointed to the right one.
The two nifflers stared back at him. They had no sodding idea what he was on about. They were nifflers, for Merlin's sake. They seemed to ignore Sirius and started playing with each other. They jumped up and down as they friskily hit each other with their flat paws.
"God, you two are lively, aren't ya? Just like brothers." Sirius happily watched them.
He regretted that statement at once.
Little niffler 'Remus' –or 'James', he couldn't really remember which one was named which now— what was more important was that one niffler decided to climb on top of his so called 'brother' and started humping them.
"Oh God, oh God! Not that kind of lively! Oh no!" Sirius exclaimed. "Bad Remus, bad James! Get off your bother!"
He didn't know what to do. Neither niffler seemed to be listening, so he acted on instincts...he gave the niffler a little kick to the side.
Big mistake.
Apparently, nifflers don't like to be kicked, no matter how lightly Sirius had done it. The kicked niffler growled at him.
"I was doing you a favour, little guy! You've got serious issues." Sirius didn't think at all why he was still speaking to a niffler. He got out the leashes Professor Lerangis gave to him earlier. Promptly, the nifflers backed away. Rumour has it that nifflers don't like leashes that much after all.
"No! Don't go! Don't make me stun you!" Sirius warned. Apparently, nifflers don't like to be threatened with stunning either, and they growled at him again.
Crap! Think of something, Padfoot! Um, they like...shiny things! Shiny things! Sirius thought the plan hurriedly in his head. Show them something shiny and then put the leashes on them!
Quickly, he tried to think of any object he had on him that was sparkly or shiny in any way. He remembered he had a shiny-ish watch on his wrist that had been covered by his robe. He put his lamp down and speedily rolled the sleeve off his robe of one arm, showing the gleaming watch that shined in the half moon's light.
"Look here nifflers, shiny thing!" Sirius said enthusiastically.
Apparently the nifflers hadn't seen a shiny object in a long time, because the minute Sirius showed the sparkly watch, the niffler named 'Remus' had instantly pounced at Sirius wrist that the watch belonged on.
Oh crap, Sirius thought.
The instant the niffler had jumped on to Sirius' wrist, and he screamed. It seemed as if the niffler had aimed to get the watch. Unfortunately, the niffler had bad aiming skills because it had launched and dug his teeth on to Sirius' hand.
"OOOW!" Sirius roared. "BAD REMUS! You're biting my hand off! OOOW!" He tried to shake the niffler off his hand which had somehow glued his teeth shut on to it. Sirius cried in pain and found his gaze on the other niffler 'James'. Still groaning in pain, he watched 'James' who seemed to be watching his crotch area.
What the hell? Sirius thought, panting in pain. What's he looking at?
Still trying to shake 'Remus' off him, he looked down to his crotch and found something sparkling. It was the zipper of his trousers, and we all know how niffler's love things that sparkle.
"Oh shi—"
------------
"AAAAAAAARGH!"
James and Lily had been busy mashing droppings into each other's faces when they heard the scream. James –who had been sitting on Lily— turned his head in the direction of the sound, looking worried.
"Was that Sirius?" he asked.
"It did sound oddly like him. Maybe we should go get up and find him," Lily suggested.
"Yeah…" James looked embarrassed as his face was slightly red at the position he was sitting on her. They both got up with accompanied titters.
Thank God for the dark, James thanked mentally.
Lily looked down at her own clothes, realising she was covered in droppings and mud and looked to see James was in the same situation.
"How are we going to explain this to Sirius?" Lily asked, laughing slightly.
"You know Sirius; he'll come to his own conclusions."
"That's what I'm worried about."
After a few minutes of walking through the forest, they found a figure a few metres away lying on the floor, groaning audibly.
"Padfoot!"
James and Lily exchanged worried looks and ran up to the boy, kneeling on the ground beside him. Lily tried not to laugh when she found Sirius was holding protectively of his groin area.
"What the hell happened to you, Black?"
"Are you alright mate?" James asked in a more sympathetic tone.
"I've been...mugged..." Sirius said in between breaths.
"Mugged, by who?" Lily questioned. "What did they take?" Even though she didn't particularly like Sirius, she was still concerned.
"Nifflers..." Sirius mumbled.
James and Lily shared a look of bewilderment.
"Nifflers?" James asked with raised eyebrows.
"Remus ran off...ran off...with my...watch..."
"Remus?" Lily said abruptly. "Remus was here?"
"James...bit me...in the...balls..."
Lily looked at James with amusement, a look saying a curious 'Oh really?'
"Where's bloody Malfoy?"
"Ditched me...gone...to hump...nifflers..." Sirius answered James groggily, before blacking out.
"Can't argue with you there mate," James said.
Lily poked Sirius in the face. "Looks like Black's passed out," she stated.
"You can tell that by poking him?" James laughed.
"Don't take the piss out of me! Apparently you're the one who bit him in the balls!" Lily accused.
"Sirius must have hit his head on something." James picked up one of his arms and started dragging him towards the direction he thought was the way out of the forest. Lily followed suit and grudgingly picked up his other arm and helped pulling him along, both not realising that they'd dragged him through another trail of niffler's droppings.
Sirius groaned in pain in his unconscious state as they dragged him painfully over a few boulders, a tree root and 'accidentally' –as Lily had protested— into a tree trunk itself.