Disclaimer: I own nothing

Chapter 13

Remus had been the only marauder to have one pint of firewhiskey and then actually stop; not go back for seconds, or as in James and Sirius' case, go back for eighths. One in the group needed to stay at least sober enough to remember their way back to Hogwarts.

He watched helplessly as his fellow marauder and his so-called enemy lean into each other, smirking cheekily with their plumped lips in their completely hammered state. It had looked like Lily's destination was James' lips. Unfortunately, and very surprisingly to Remus and James (Sirius was passed out so his presence did not count) Lily's aim was at another place. She took her pouted lips elsewhere and instead sank her teeth into another facial feature. Of course, James wouldn't have minded a hard kiss and her sinking teeth onto his lips. He had not or sincerely liked her teeth which were unusually sharp, sinking into-

"MY NOSE!" James yelped, clutching his hand to what Lily has suddenly decided to gnaw at. She laughed manically, happy at her result. Remus smiled; perhaps Lily had not been as drunk as he thought she was. "Why'd you do that?" James asked, bewildered.

"Because, if you think-" she paused suddenly, trying to remember exactly what the name of the person she was talking to. Remus rolled his eyes.

Lily was as drunk as I thought, he thought to himself.

"Pames Jotter!" she recalled.

James looked back at her, confused, in his drunken mind thinking exactly why his parents named him that.

"If you think," Lily repeated, pointing her finger sluggishly at him. "That I am gonna kiss you, then you've got another thing coming."

"What thing coming?" James asked, puzzled.

Lily looked at him blankly. "I dunno. That's just what people say when they're annoyed, isn't it?"

Remus massaged his head.

Oh Merlin, I'm surrounded by imbeciles. Drunken imbeciles, Remus thought tiredly.

James made a sort of grunting understanding "hmm" and then comfortably laid his head on the niffler 'Remus's stomach, who was sleeping peacefully on the table. James heavily snored. The niffler didn't seem to move or argue about the weight of James' head on him. Remus wondered if the niffler was dead due to Sirius who had alcoholically poisoned it.

"I think we're going to need some coffee here," Remus said, "And lot's of it." He spoke out loud to himself because his friends were too drunk to comprehend what he was talking about.

He sighed, stood up and took a last look at his companions.

"I'm just going to Madam Puddifoot's to see if I can bribe some coffee off her. Although, I'm not sure if she'll let me in after the performance we had in her teashop."

Only Lily seemed to be half-listening as she was searching through James hair; regrettably she had dropped her chewing gum into his tresses and was determined to find it. Remus hoped she would not return the gum into her mouth when she finally did. "Lily, will look after the guys?" he asked her as she was the only one barely awake as he glanced at a now sleeping James, and the already snoozing Sirius. He regretted his words, realising that Lily could hardly look after herself. She looked up at the sound of her name.

"Huh? What were you saying Reeemus?"

"I'm going to go get some coffee," he slowly explained again.

She brightened. "Mmmmm, coffee sounds sooo good."

"Lily, stay here. Don't move. And, just…don't move at all, okay?"

She nodded enthusiastically in understanding then waved energetically as he exited the Hog's Head.

"Byeee Reeemus!"

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Remus ambled in the darkness of Hogsmeade on his way back to the Hog's Head to reunite with his friends. He didn't exactly know how long they'd spent drinking in the Hog's head. He figured it was a long time considering the sunlight, or in fact, any light had gone from the sky. He'd managed to get four cups of coffee off Madam Puddifoot after a long time of begging and pleading. She'd eventually given in because Remus had not been completely part of the destruction caused earlier in her tea shop.

He opened the door to the inn again, and wandered back over to their usual table at the back of the room. He stopped dead, then dropped his four coffee's (which he had took so long and intensely to get) onto the dirt-ridden stone floor.

"Bugger," Remus cursed. "Bloody arse-ing typical."

He discovered the table was empty, except for the two nifflers who were looking up at him innocently as he eyed them.

"Please say you ate them?" Remus asked the nifflers.

They looked up at him vacantly and he sighed, realising that he was inheriting the habit of talking to nifflers like Sirius had adopted. He picked up the two black creatures and dragged them by their leashes whilst they staggered after him, exiting Hog's Head.

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"Sirius!" Remus called as he wandered down the path outside the Hog's Head. "James! Lily!" He pointed his wand around that was giving out the light and stumbled across an old witch who was passing. "Excuse me, Miss?" he asked her politely. The woman stopped abruptly, looking at him and also at the drunken animals next to him, confused at their presence. She looked as if she were afraid that the teenager would mug her or set his creatures to rip her apart. "Have you see three drunken teenagers? One flirting with anything that moves? Two attached by hands? One's got a black eye, bump on the head and possibly teeth marks on his nose?"

The old witch looked back at him in fear of his sanity, then slowly shook her head. "Okay then, thanks." Remus told her, walking away from the woman. "For not helping," he added under his breath.

Walking some more, he encountered another witch, this time of a young age of around early twenties. She was smiling widely and shaking her head to herself. The witch looked friendlier and at least not as petrified as the other old witch, so he approached her with the same question.

"Scuse me? Have you seen three drunken teenagers?" Remus asked, this time not going on with their detailed descriptions.

"Oh, a red headed girl? And two boys? One that flirts with anything that moves?"

Reddening, Remus nodded.

"I just saw them now in Gladrags Wizardwear," she chuckled. "They looked highly amusing."

"Thanks for your help," Remus told her, and was about to ask what she meant about his friend's 'amusing' appearance but she had walked off giggling.

He groaned inwardly. Knowing that they were in a clothes shop, especially when they were drunk, was not good news to him. He instantly started quickening his pace, much to the nifflers dislike. They could barely keep up when he was walking besides a faster walk.

Jogging, he passed the many shops until he finally made it to the Gladrags Wizardwear which was a few yards away from him. He was about to walk up to the shop and enter. However -but perfectly on time- James, Sirius and Lily had exited the shop laughing hysterically.

"Oh, Merlin." Remus eyed the three as they approached him. Looking them up and down, he took in their appearance. "Since when did they do fancy dress in Gladrags Wizardwear?"

"Since noow!" The three chorused back at them. Remus sighed and massaged his head.

"Moony! There you are!" Sirius yelled, as if Remus had only just arrived and was at the other end of a football pitch.

"Padfoot...what are you wearing?" Remus asked him, a definite frown on his face.

Sirius giggled back at him. "I'm a fairy!" he sang.

"Good for you," Remus replied, looking at Sirius' outfit with displeasure. He was all pink and glittery. His outfit included a pink frilly dress, pink tights, pink girly shoes, even some sort of pink tiara, complete with a tacky pink wand with a star on the end. There was too much pink and glitter for Remus to handle. Sirius turned around and displayed another pink object he was wearing: pink wings.

"Look at my wings, Moony! Go on Moony, touch em!" Sirius shook his wings at him.

Remus cringed. "No thanks, Padfoot-"

"Go on, Moony! You know you want to!-"

"I'd rather not-"

"Just touch em, Moony! They're so pretty and-"

"Padfoot, I'm not touching your wings!"

Sirius pouted his lips and sulked.

"Spoilsport! Moody Moony. Let me just sprinkle some fairy dust on you to cheer you up!" Sirius said happily, then shook his pink wand at Remus.

Before Remus could argue, sparkly glitter -or in Sirius' mind 'fairy dust'- was sprinkled on top of him. He shut his eyes and started coughing as he felt he was bring drowned by pink type confetti. Once Sirius had finished, a great smile was magnified on his face. Remus dusted the glitter that he had been submerged in.

"Thanks for that, Padfoot."

Sirius grinned as he stuck up a thumb in response as if he thought he'd done Remus a great favour. He was about to continue shaking off any more glitter when a loud and forced cough coming from James brought his attention. He looked up at James, this time not frowning at him like he had done with Sirius, but instead giving him a look of confusion. "Who are you supposed to be?" Remus asked.

James looked back at him, highly insulted. "I'm Dumbley-dooor!" he announced.

Remus stared back at him blankly, figuring that he must of meant Albus Dumbledore.

He was wearing bright purple robes with shining stars all over; a pointed hat which was patterned the same. He also sported a long, grey beard that was so long in length that it was dragging on the ground. The beard was also matched with a grey moustache that James was stroking nicely like it was a loving pet.

Remus looked at the beard and moustache curiously. "Are they permanent?" he questioned, noticing the beard looked strongly attached to James' chin. Remus made a swift tug on the beard and James yelped which confirmed his suspicions.

"I'm not sure," James said, "The woman said it lasts a few hours or so." He stroked his chin and twitched his grey moustache. Remus was worried about the part of that sentence 'or so', meaning that the hair extensions would probably last a lot longer then James would hope for.

"Look at the beard though Moony!" James said, echoing Sirius pleads earlier.

"I'm looking at it, Prongs-"

"Just look at it, Moony! It's so looong and beardy-"

"Beardy isn't a word-"

"And it's soo soooft, touch it Moony! Go on!"

"I don't want to touch it-"

"Go on, you know you want to!"

"I am not touching anyone's costumes. Especially not yours, Lily."

Lily looked at him as if he'd suddenly just apparated in front of her.

"Remus, how are you? It feel's like I haven't see you for aaages!"

Remus was about to point out that it had only been not so long ago that he had talked her, telling her not to move which she had done anyway, but didn't bother to say. "Who and what are you, Lily?" he asked her.

"Sirius took the last fairy costume," Lily sulked. Sirius childishly stuck his tongue out at her.

Remus looked at Lily's new appearance; she was wearing what looked like to be some sort of nurse's uniform that consisted of black tights and a tight, a short dress that was decorated with a red cross, finished with a type of matching hat. She also had a stethoscope hung around her neck. Remus hadn't seen many nurses in his teenage life but he was sure as hell that they wore more clothing then Lily was, and also their dresses weren't so short that there was nothing left to the imagination.

Remus looked at Lily apprehensively, her wearing a nurse's uniform around James was not necessarily a good idea. His thoughts were confirmed when James kept on giggling every time he eyed Lily clothes, raising his eyebrows suggestively to Remus.

"I'm a nurse. Nurse Lily calling Doctor Remus?" she asked him playfully.

"Doctor Remus does not respond."

Lily laughed at him, and then put her stethoscope to her ears and to James chest, trying to listen to his heart beat. James did not complain; in fact, he was delighted.

"I can't hear your heart beating," Lily complained. "You must be dead..." She stroked a hand over his chest.

"I can take my shirt off if you want? And then, you could do the same? Maybe then you'll hear it better?" James suggested, about to pull a sleeve off himself.

"Oh, God no!" Remus told him, forcing the robe to say on his friend.

"No thank you, gramps," Lily told James, tickling him with his beard.

Remus realised he hadn't spoken to Sirius in a few minutes and saw him stumbling up to a nearby shop window.

"Sirius! Get your fairy butt back here!" Remus ordered, watching his friend stagger off. He was about to pursue him when James had tugged on his arm.

"Isn't it soooo loooong, Moony-"

"James, I know, you've pointed that out already."

"I mean, it's sooo long, that you could probably, like, skip with it."

Remus, who was about to walk after Sirius, stopped and faced to James.

"No, Prongs, I wouldn't try that if I were you-"

Regrettably, he had already picked up the beard and was trying to skip with it. Remus was indeed right that it was not a smart idea and James fell to the ground as he tripped over the beard, with Lily falling with him. They both groaned painfully as the ground was not a soft landing. Remus walked back over to them, sighing, and tried to help them up as they wobbled unstably.

Meanwhile, Sirius was busy having a conversation: with the shop window.

"Hey, good looking. You look familiar, have I dated you before?" Sirius asked his reflection. His reflection, which he thought was an extremely attractive girl, didn't respond. "Oh, I get it, you're one of the quiet, silent types, right?"

Remus who'd been helping James and Lily, could hear Sirius mumbling.

"Padfoot, you better not break that window! Get back here! Don't make me come over there!" Remus warned, whilst James leaned an arm over his shoulder.

"Reeemuss, I poked my eye with my stethoscope," Lily spoke in a child-like voice, rubbing her eye as she tugged on to Remus like he was her father; an extremely annoyed father.

I am so not having kids when I'm older, Remus thought moodily. He tried to pull up Lily with the hand she had extended to him.

"Moooony! I'm busy here!" Sirius shouted back to the confused Remus. He smiled sexily at his image in the window. "Let's cut to the chase, shall we?" He moved in closer to his reflection, opening his mouth widely and moving his tongue in a circular motion.

"Oh no..." Remus said.

He watched as Sirius start attack the shop window as he snogged it passionately. A few witches and wizards who were in the particular shop gasped in horror as they saw Sirius' swirling tongue, teeth and flattened lips against the window licking it, which was now covered in saliva.

"Why is that fairy boy kissing the shop window?" a wizard asked inside the shop.

"Why is that fairy boy kissing my shop window?" the owner yelled angrily.

Remus quickly ran over to his hormone filled friend. In the process, making James and Lily fall to the ground with a muffled "Ooof!" sound because Remus had been supporting their weight.

"Padfoot!" Remus called his name as he ran over to him and tried to force the kissing Sirius off the window. He broke apart from his kissing partner looking highly annoyed.

"Moony, can't you see I'm otherwise engaged?" Sirius pouted his lips that looked a bloody, bold red. Remus was about to point out to Sirius that he had not been kissing a girl, or to be more specific, even a person, but the furious shop owner opened the door looking enraged. The owner was not pleased that he had been cleaning his shop window with his lips, especially when he'd done a poor job of it.

"Bugger off! Get away from my shop window, you drunken bums!" The man shouted at the pair.

Remus looked at the man apologetically. "Sorry, Sir. He hadn't has his medication today."

Sirius gave him a look which said 'since when did I need medication?'

"C'mon girl. Let's go," Sirius told his reflection, and Remus steered Sirius away from the window. Sirius looked around wildly as he didn't see the 'girl' follow him.

"Moony, the girl? Where'd the hot girl go?" he questioned. Remus looked at him worriedly; he didn't have the heart to tell him that the girl was not real.

"Um, she had to hurry off somewhere," Remus lied.

Sirius looked thoroughly disappointed. "She used me Moony...all she wanted was a quick snog and then she left...just like that..." He clicked his fingers. Remus patted him on the back.

He then bent down to the ground where James and Lily were lying with two nifflers at their side.

"Guys, are you okay?" Remus asked them. They groaned back painfully in response. "Padfoot, help me get them up."

Sirius scoffed but eventually pulled James to his feet whilst Remus dragged Lily up. James seemed to be quite steady on his feet; however, Lily was not.

"I don't feel so good..." she mumbled as she kneeled on the floor.

"C'mon Lily, we have to get back to Hogwarts," Remus told her.

"Yeah, I need to go the toilet," Sirius said.

"Sirius, just pee in the alley over there," James suggested.

Sirius narrowed his eyebrows at him. "I need to do the other thing."

James looked at him apprehensively. "We have got to get back to Hogwarts." Although he was drunk, he would not ever be prepared to watch Sirius take a crap in front of him. "C'mon Lily, try and stand."

"My head...hurts..." Lily complained, clutching her forehead. "Pain...and I..." she couldn't continue as she'd fallen back and passed out. The boys sighed.

"Great," Remus commented. "Prongs, you're going to have to carry her."

"What? No way!" James argued.

"Just give her a piggy back or something," Sirius suggested.

They did Sirius' suggestion and it proved to be harder then it sounded. Giving Lily a piggy back seemed impossible to do when her hand attached to James.

"Bugger that idea then," Sirius said, giving up trying to twist Lily's arms in an odd and unnatural position.

"Why don't you and Sirius hold Lily's arms and I hold her legs?" Remus advised more sensibly to James. Teasing, Sirius clapped slowly at his sudden idea. Remus rolled his eyes and picked up Lily's legs, whilst James just lifted his arm up that was already holding Lily's hand anyway. James held onto the two leashes with his other hand that pulled along the barely awake nifflers.

"Padfoot, I said hold her arm, not her arse," Remus said..

James glared at Sirius who had been caught holding Lily's buttocks.

"Sorry, must of misheard you," Sirius apologized, moving his hands to Lily's arm instead. The four walked slowly on their way back to one of the passages which would lead them back to school.

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"Moony, Mr. Moony, he's the greatest guy in history," Sirius sang oddly similar to the 'Flintstones' theme tune as they walked through the passage. Because, of course, the consumption of alcohol can make you feel like you can sing in tune; something Sirius was not doing at that precise moment. "From the, school of Hogwarts, oh I think I've lost my dignity-"

"Padfoot, you have got to stop watching those muggle cartoons."

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After an hour, the four fifth years finally made it back to Hogwarts. They climbed the floors until they got to portrait of the Fat Lady . Remus automatically said the password to the Gryffindor Tower.

"My goodness, you kids have dressed up a few months early for Haloween," The Fat Lady told them as she looked at their costumes. They looked back at her grimly. "What's happened to the young lady?" She eyed the passed out Lily.

"None of your business," James snapped. She glared at him in return.

"Please, just let us in before Filch comes?" Sirius asked nicely.

The fat lady smiled sweetly back at him and opened the door, blushing. They quickly hurried inside and sighed happily at the comfort of their common room which was empty except for two fifth years. The boys lowered Lily to the floor and were met with Anna, who had been in the common room waiting their return. She immediately came up to them looking startled at their appearance. Peter followed closely behind.

"There you guys are! You just left me with only him for company." Anna pointed to the embarrassed Peter standing next to him. She took in their clothes and snorted.

"Did you guys go the circus or something?" She gave Remus a strange look as he was the one who was holding the two nifflers in his arms at that precise moment. "What's wrong with Lily?" Anna asked the boys instead, watching Lily snore from the floor.

"She got drunk," Remus explained.

Anna looked at the boys indecorously. "You gave her alcohol!" The boys flinched. "Lily and alcohol do not mix."

"We noticed," Sirius said.

Anna turned to face him and found herself chuckling. "Wow, Sirius. You look so pretty," she commented. Sirius winked back at her. "I know I do," he said, fluttering his wings at her.

"Who's idea what is it exactly to dress up Lily as a nurse?" Anna asked, looking at her passed out friend.

"Hers, unfortunately," Remus said. "Only because Sirius took the last fairy costume."

"I'm not even going to ask about the nifflers." Anna shook her head. The group watched as James tiredly dragged Lily over to the couch, struggling to pick her up and lay her on it. Once he managed to place Lily, not exactly in a gentle manner, he promptly collapsed on top of her, completely exhausted.

"You don't think he'll suffocate her, do you?" Anna asked.

"Nah," Sirius answered.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow morning, then," Anna told them as she went up the common room stairs to sleep in her dorm.

"Go Prongise," Sirius cheered as he watched James who was lying on Lily; his head was positioned on top of Lily's chest. James was completely unaware but his head seemed to comfortably enjoy the spot it was placed in and was snuggling into Lily's breasts as if it were a comfy head rest.

"Lily wasn't that pleased when she found herself using James chest for a pillow, I don't think she'll be that happy now its the other way round," Remus said.

Sirius shrugged.

"They do look comfy though," Remus added, smiling.

James' face looked pleased as his head was nuzzling more into Lily's chest, whilst Lily's face looked quietly content.

"Please say you're talking about James and Lily and not Lily's b-"

"I'm talking about James and Lily."

Sirius tried picturing James as the real Albus Dumbledore and Lily as Professor McGonagall dressed in a nurses uniform and laughed to himself. Remus and Peter didn't want to know exactly what was on Sirius' mind.

"Well, I'm going to go wash my hands now," Remus said.

Sirius looked at him with confusion. "Why?"

"The nifflers have seemed to relieved themselves in them." Remus stated, dropping the nifflers to the floor which growled furiously back at him. The two creatures joined Lily and James on the couch and nestled on top of them.

"Couldn't you just imagine those nifflers being their kids one day?" Sirius asked his friends.

They silently nodded smiling.

"The spell's working isn't it?" Peter said, gazing at the two.

"Yeah…slowly, but yeah," Sirius replied.

Remus walked up the common room stairs, and Sirius took one last look at the sleeping two.

"G'night Mr. and Mrs. Prongsie," he told the slumbering couple as he followed Peter to bed.

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Lily woke the next morning and hoped and wished she'd wake to a day that would not be faced with trouble which would nearly end up killing her, and also awaken to something that she would not scream in shock to.

This wouldn't be one of those days.

She was not calm when she suddenly woke up coughing as hair was over her mouth, to be more specific, grey hair that belonged to a grey beard. She was definitely not relaxed when she saw some 'old guy' which the grey and extremely long beard was attached to; also with a moustache and glasses, in sparkly star robes, looking oddly like a Dumbledore-wanabee, snuggling into her breasts.

Her piercing scream woke the 'old guy' who'd been nuzzling comfortably. He'd also been shocked when his eyes popped opened, met with a girl's breasts staring back at him. That was something he was not expecting to see.

They both clutched their heads in pain as they both screamed, both deciding that loud noises were something they would both not like to hear that morning. As Lily massaged her head, she looked at the bewildered guy who was lying on top of her, finally realising who it was when she looked at his hazel eyes.

"James!" she yelled indecorously.

"Lily!…Oh, right, hands still stuck," James reminded himself.

"Why are you dressed up like an old pensioner who's never been to the hairdressers?"

"Why are you dressed up as a...slutty nurse?" His voice sounded a little regretful. He really wished Lily was not dressed up as a slutty nurse: it was one of his dirty fantasies.

She reddened. "I don't want to sound rude or anything, but can you get off me?"

Embarrassingly, James apologized as he tried to get off her. The problem was he couldn't. He tittered nervously.

"Bit of a problem," James said. Lily looked at him suspiciously. "The zipper on my trousers seem to be stuck to your unbelievably tight and short dress." Lily looked at him, gaping. "I'm definitely not joking, by the way," he added, trying to lift himself off her.

Lily watched him pick himself up and found he was right as the trouser zipper was caught tightly with the material of her dress.

This maybe of the most humiliating things that has ever happened to me, Lily decided in her mind. No, wait: me in James' underwear. No wait: me dressed up as a slut. I seem to be having a lot of embarrassing things happening to me since I've been attached to him…

"I swear we're jinxed," Lily said. James found himself nodding silently. "Okay," she began calmly. "You just try really hard to pull your trouser zipper away while I push you," she suggested.

James looked back at her unconvinced that it would work. He jerkily tried lifting himself off her again, and suddenly felt something hit him in the cheek.

"Ow!" James moaned. He didn't like Lily's hand and fingers pushing forcefully into his face. "Can you not do that?"

"Just keep trying!" Lily snapped.

Again, James tried thrusting himself off her, but the zipper and material was still stuck.

"Dammit!" James cursed and landed heavily back on Lily. Lily groaned in pain, blushing intently; having James Potter lying on her and landing on her so forcefully was not comforting.

"You're not as light as a feather you know," Lily pointed out.

"Sorry."

They tried again, both groaning noisily as the zipper was still caught on James trousers, refusing to let them go. Meanwhile, Lily's friend Anna was walking silently down the common room stairs, slightly disturbed at the voices she was hearing.

"Damn it all!"

"Why isn't it working, James?

"I dunno, Lily! The damn thing won't come off!"

"Keep trying."

Anna distinctively heard the sound of James frustrated moaning, a collapsing sound of James body against Lily, and then Lily groaning.

"Stupid thing, I dunno why they were even created."

"We need them, James."

"Why?"

"Well, they are useful."

Anna stumbled in the common room, her mouth gaping.

"Oh. My. God."

Anna stood to the side of the couch and in her view, all she could see was James back and his body which was thrusting back and forth roughly and Lily who was lying below him. She looked horrified to the two nifflers next to the couch which had decided to do some early congressing with each other. At the sound of Anna's voice, James turned his head around abruptly whilst Lily moved her head to see who was standing before them in their uncompromising position.

"Crap," they cursed in unison, knowing exactly this must of looked and sounded to her. James and Lily looked to the sight of nifflers who were mating in front of them, and back to the shocked Anna.

"Anna-" Lily started.

"I'm so sorry! I should have knocked or something-except there isn't a door-but I'm so sorry! I'll leave you two alone!" Anna ran up the common room stairs; two steps at a time. James and Lily watched, purely lost for words. James looked at Lily, gulping nervously. He was about to say something but Lily had cut in with, "Not one word. Not one sodding word."

James nodded in reply and looked down to his trousers. For some odd reason, the zipper had released the material just at the point when Anna had left.

"How predictable," James muttered.

He got off Lily whilst she moved her legs giving James room to sit down on the couch. They both sat it silence, traumatized by what had just happened.

"Do you remember anything that happened last night?" James asked.

"I remember going to Hogsmeade, and then my mind draws a blank from there," Lily told him rubbing her head. "My head is pounding."

"Feeling's mutual," James agreed. They both stood up, both yelped in pain as they felt as if someone just suddenly impaled a fork in their foreheads.

"I think I'm gonna hurl," they said together, mouths bulging.

To their dismay, their nearest toilet was upstairs in the dormitories. The two ran up the common room stairs and James tripped on his long beard while Lily stumbled with dizziness. They swayed, pushing open the marauder's dorms door. A bemused Remus and Peter woke up suddenly to the sound of the door opening, each with messy bed hair and confused faces.

"Hey, guys. It's a bit early, isn't it?" Peter said groggily.

Neither James or Lily answered as they ran across the room towards the door leading to the bathroom. James frantically twisted the handle and discovered it was locked. This was not good news to him; he was going to be sick any second and looking at Lily's green face next to him, it looked like she would puke sooner then he would. Remus rubbed his eyes and watched James pound on the door.

"James?" Remus said. "Lily? I think Siri-"

He swiftly stopped talking, watching James step back across the room while the ill Lily dragged confusedly in his walking. Charging, James smacked his whole body against the door, forcing the door open. They discovered behind the door something they both didn't want to see: Sirius with his backside on display to them. His boxers were down in preparation for the peeing he was about to do in the toilet which he thought he was about to do in private. He shrieked in surprised when the door slammed open, specifically after he'd locked it, horrified as pulled up his boxers whilst James and Lily shielded their burning eyes.

"What are you guys doing in here?" Sirius yelled hysterically.

"I seriously hope you haven't peed already," James said, promptly pushing the confused Sirius aside.

Both James and Lily dropped to their knees, bending over the toilet, and as they collided heads and vomited into the bowl.

"Ughh," Sirius made a sound of disgust at their sound of them puking.

A sleepy Remus walked to the doorway of the bathroom and watched James and Lily as they were clutching their heads in pain and wiping their mouths distastefully.

"I guarantee you guys will be extremely cheerful today," Remus said sarcastically.

They grunted in reply.

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"Sirius, will stop playing with my beard," James said fiercely.

Sirius was certainly enjoying himself. He'd been putting plaits in the beard, tickling the others with it, and was now pretending to strangle himself with it.

"Hours of fun!" Sirius said.

Lily and the boys were still in the dormitory and were now changed from their ridiculous outfits, recovered from the vomiting. There was another problem though: James' beard did not seem to be disappearing anytime soon.

"I've tried every spell and the damn thing won't disappear! It must have some protection thing on it," James said, yelping in pain as Peter tried 'helpfully' to tug it off James' chin. Sirius also joined in the fun by trying to pull James moustache off.

"OW! I told you already, it wont come off by pulling it!"

"Just checking," Sirius said.

Lily looked at the boys and sighed at their stupidity. "Have you even tried cutting the beard off?"

James beamed at her. "You're a genius, Lily Evans!"

Lily reddened to some extent. "Its called common sense..."

"Padfoot, scissors? You had them last," James said.

"I did?" Sirius spoke uncertainly.

"Yes, remember? You were trying to cut off Snape's hair in Potions?"

Sirius immediately smiled reminiscing that moment. Sirius found the scissors submerged under a pile of junk in his trunk. He stepped towards James, happy that he was going to have the pleasure of playing hairdresser on him. But the second he snapped open the scissors and tried to cut the grey and ridiculously long beard, the beard had suddenly sprung alive in fear, attacking Sirius as it knocked the scissors out of his hand. The beard decided to strangle Sirius to death for his actions.

"Padfoot, you're not bloody funny, alright!" James told him as he watched Sirius 'pretend' to strangle himself for the hundredth time that morning. The group looked at him as he made very convincing gurgling noises as the beard was trying to cut off his air supply.

Sirius then started violently coughing. "Can't...breathe..." He whispered, trying to pry the beard off his neck with his hand.

They were amused by the performance, quite impressed by how assuring his strangling looked.

"Wow. That's so cool Sirius! You're such a good actor!" Peter said in great awe. Sirius had now collapsed to the floor, wrestling with the beard, his struggling getting weaker and weaker.

"Guys, shouldn't we be worried?" Remus asked.

"Why?"

"Because his face seems to be turning different colours," Remus pointed out.

The group registered this note, realising that maybe -just maybe- Sirius wasn't acting. They promptly tried stopping the beard commit murder and helped Sirius breathe again.

----------

"That beard seems to have a mind of its own if its threatened to be cut in any way. I think we should keep any sharp objects such as scissors away from the beard, " Remus advised.

"Ya think?" Sirius growled. "My neck, my beautiful neck! Is it damaged, Moony? Is it broken? Will I die?"

"Padfoot, I told you already. Your neck is fine," Remus said.

"I don't think there's anything you can do, Prongs, just wait until it finally fades," Remus told him helplessly.

"What? I'm not letting everyone see me with a beard longer then Dumbledore's!" James hissed.

"James, frankly, I don't care about your stupid beard. I just want some coffee. And I want it now," Lily said venomously as she felt as if her hangover was slowly killing her.

"Fine!" James sulked. "Damn you all!"

He stormed out of the dorm with an annoyed Lily and slammed the door behind him.

"Ooo, Mr. Grumpy today," Sirius commented, and was about to follow with Peter and Remus when Remus stopped him.

"Padfoot, you are aware that you're still wearing that pink tiara." He pointed out to Sirius, looking up at the glittery head garment.

"Oh, but it's so pretty and-"

"Padfoot, please take it off."

"Fiiiine. Damn you all!" Sirius mimicked James, dramatically storming out of the dorm and slamming the door shut. He made a painful groan as he accidentally slammed the door shut in his face, crying in pain as the door had hit him in the nose.