Rose twirled frantically in the icy depths, fighting for any air at all. Waves of liquidized poop formed a blob around her legs like a deteriotating hula skirt. She screamed stupidly, admitting salty water into her lungs and putting little crosses in her eyes like she was going to suffocate or something crazy like that.

Then, for some reason, mischievous music started playing to replace the dramatic music that had been playing for the last ten minutes, making her feel slightly relieved. She remembered that one Desperate Housewives episode where that one girl found the stashed money in the cabinet, and that bouncy-mischievous-mysterious music started to play. It was the same tune that was playing right now.

What could happen NOW that could fit that mood?

"Oopsy daisy," DJ Gangsta Jamz said on his loudspeaker all of the sudden. "'Mischief Mix' is right next to 'Dying Damsel Dilemma Music'. My bad."

"No problem," Rose replied from the water, allowing more water down her throat as the exes in her eyes became clearer. Dramatic music started to play again.

Suddenly, a huge whoosh of bubbles sprang into the water, and Jack and Joe the Donkey were right in front of Rose, with air tanks and all! Joe had a delightful wetsuit on, as did Jack, and they both had air pumps like professional divers.

Jack giggled femininely. "Rose, great news! Joseph explained the whole situation, and we made up, and then he proposed! I'm the happiest ladyman in the world!"

Rose was gasping for breath.

"Rosie, dear? What's wrong? Is something troubling you?" Jack observed her pale white, lifeless face for a moment, shrugging. Then, he remembered. "Oh, right! Sorry. You must be dying. That's why I found these convenient jars full of air for you to breathe!"

Rose grinned, knowing she was saved, and eagerly reached for them. Jack popped open the lid as water flooded in and the oxygen escaped in tiny bubbles. "Well, I know you prob'ly think I pushed you, but really--" Rose screamed what was left in her watery lungs.

Joe and Jack kissed outside of their oxygen mouthpieces, whispering gaily. "Oh, Joey, you're such a charmer!"

Rose tried to get their attention due to her dying state, ignoring the fact that her former lover was now gay and in love with a donkey.

Joe put his mouth to Jack's ear. Jack's eyes widened in pleasure. "Oh, Joe, do you think we're ready? Well, okay..." They swam to the ocean floor into a large coral cave, giggling mischievously.

Rose was left suffocating in her little brown bubble of hopelessness. All of the sudden, the dreamiest lifeguard came to her rescue!

"I'm David Hasselhoff, and I was born roughly sixty-two years from now!" he announced hunkily. Rose cried in delight, but then was horrified to see that he was referring to the other drowning rich girl a few yards away.

Then, a strange little object came floating down and bonked her on the head. It was a rectangle with little buttons with numbers on them and a screen that said "28 MISSED CALL(S)". Rose felt a little burst of hope from inside of her. She punched in her lucky numbers: 9 and 11. There was a weird noise at the end. Then an actual voice came!

"We're sorry, but our phoneline has not been invented yet. Please wait approximately fifty-seven years, and we will be at your service."

All Rose could do was cry.