Chapter 34: They Say She's a Psycho...
By Cimmy

Cecilia's POV

I had a crush on Fred for 638 days before he kissed me. Which means that I'd given up all hope on him ever returning those feelings, until he actually showed some interest in me.

I've only said 'I love you' to Fred five times since I met him. I've only used that phrase about eleven times in my whole life. My Dad has never said it to me, so I guess it's from him I've inherited the inability to say those words. 'Take care' is the closest thing my Dad ever gets to.

Fred keeps making me feel inadequate. He tells me how much he loves me all the time, and I never say it back. Being with him alone for the rest of the month will be pure torture if he keeps on saying... those words.

Alone. With him. I've never been on my own before, with Fred as my only company. He'll be my only safety-line in case something happens to me. I have to count on him to take care of me, now when nobody else is around.

There's one more person I've managed to say the magic words to. The most unlikely target of them all; Anthony. Why did I tell him I love him? I didn't mean to, it just slipped out. But I wouldn't have said it unless I meant it, because I'm not able to lie about something as important as that.

But it bothers me that I think of him, when I should be thinking of Fred. My feelings aren't returned when it comes to Anthony, even though I thought he liked me. I don't want to have to choose, and I would feel terrible if I mess up Fred's life even more then I already have, so it's probably for the best.

Anthony just made me feel so good. He was nice to me, and cared about me. He treated me a like a friend, he even invited me to stay with him the rest of the summer. He was probably just saying that because he felt sorry for me again, but a part of me really wanted to go with him. That's all I remember from our rendez-vouz last night, because I was too drunk. But I know that he wanted me to come with him.

I don't have that many close friends, and definitely not a guy friend of the kind that Anthony is. Someone I can hang out with and have fun with. Secretly admire, and feel light-headed in a good way around. No, wait... Anyhow, it would be great if I could see him more often. I could use a friend like him. I've told him a lot of personal things, and I hope I won't regret doing that. He's closer to me then most people are, and it took less then a week.

Hey, it doesn't matter. Anthony doesn't feel that way about me. No one ever does, not if I like them. He's being friendly, and I misinterpret it into expressions of love. I just wish, for once, that a guy could be interested in me instead of me having to chase him all over the place. I'm tired, and I want my life to be easy.

I try to keep my mind on last night's events instead. Especially the moments with Fred. How he kissed me, held me in his arms, made love to me. It was definitely the most passionate night of my life, and he did everything to make it memorable. Sure, it still sort of hurts and it's still a scary thing to do, but Fred made it all worth while. It felt good just to be able to hold on to him while he was making me feel wanted. I've missed him so much these last few months, and I don't want to be a bother any longer.

So, here I am. My last day in Florida. My last day in a secure environment, with my friends around me. Then it'll be just him and I. Okay, I'm getting worked up for nothing.

Fred is the reason to why I wake up at 6:37. It feels like I just fell asleep. Actually, I think that's accurate. I did just fall asleep. He keeps touching my cheek with his fingers, brushing away some hair from my face. I can't help but letting out a deep, content sigh.

"Cecilia?" he whispers into my shoulder, kissing my neck. This is a very unsubtle way to get me to open my eyes.

I murmur some sort of respond, without using words. Waking up in his arms is a moment I'd like to save, and hold on to for as long as possible. Fred lifts his head up and smiles. Yeah, I knew he was wide awake from the start. "I'm glad you're done with your sleeping. I miss you. Good morning."

"Hi," I mumble, smiling back. Then I start to feel insecure, so I have to be sarcastic. "How can you miss me when you're lying on top of me?"

"Not on top. Next to, to the left," he points out. Fine, he's being like that. I won't burst his bubble. "Let's stay like this for a while."

I'm surprised he isn't whining about having a headache, because of some hang over. I definitely remember the gallons of liquor we consumed a few hours ago.

Fred tugs me closer so I end up with my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and gives up a content sigh of his own. Then he leans over me again, pressing his lips against mine. Instead of pushing him away, I kiss him back. It doesn't feel that weird, luckily. Not until he moves his other hand, over my shoulder and across my collar bone, finding his way over towards the cover. It feels strange when he's brushing his fingers against my skin like that.

"Wait, Fred," I beg him. "Please, could you stop?"

Fred pulls away, but doesn't remove his hand. Oh, he probably thought I meant the kisses, not the touching. "Sure. I'm sorry, I just thought you wanted me to kiss you."

"It wasn't the kiss. It still makes me slightly uncomfortable when you do that. I just haven't gotten used to you touching me like that. Like you just did. It's still a bit weird, you know. I'm sorry. "

"No, it's okay if you feel that way. You should've told me. Still a bit new to the situation, huh?" he says, this time he removes his hand, but leans forward to kiss me again. I nod, moving my head so I can bring myself closer into his face. "You're not feeling bad? I don't really remember much from last night. But I have to admit that I like waking up next to you. Are you feeling okay? No hang over?"

I smile at his concern. "No, I'm fine. We had a really nice time, though."

"Yes, I know. I do remember that part," he smiles. I am embarrassed again. I don't know why I can't talk serious about sex. Fred is my boyfriend, but I still can't talk to him. "I'm glad I do, because otherwise it would've been a waste of love. Don't you think?"

When I don't answer at once, he props himself up on his elbow and gives me a suspicious glance. "You're not regretting what we did, are you?"

For some reason, talking about this brings tears to my eyes. Shit, this isn't good. "I know you want to talk, but it's so difficult. It's hard. I just don't want you to be mad at me because I can't talk to you."

Fred lies down again, pulling me into his arms, comforting me. "You know what I want? I want to spend time with you, like this. You're my girlfriend, and nothing compares to you. I want you. Like I wanted you last night, or at least three hours ago."

I'm the one who's supposed to want him. That's the way it's always been. I'm supposed to sneak around, following him wherever he goes for the chance of him noticing me. Why did he have to fall in love with me? It makes things so much more complicated.

"You're just... You're too nice to me," I explain. "I depend on you. You take care of me, and I need you. But you kept pushing me away, and now you're back to being that perfect boyfriend again. Can't you make up your mind?"

Fred bites his lip. "Jerk, or perfect boyfriend? Gee, I think I need some time to evaluate."

"It just meant so much to me," I mumble. "Everything, especially what we did last night. It meant so much that you would take care of me and hold me in your arms, even though I never do anything to repay you."

"Hey, kid. Calm down. Take a deep breath, I don't want you to be upset. You haven't done anything wrong at all. I should be thanking you for being so understanding. Because I know I was really eager last night..." Fred smiles, rolling his eyes. "I'm sorry if I hurt you because of that. You know, I wasn't really sober, but I hope it was at least a bit better then the last time."

"The last time?" I sniffle.

"Yeah, I hope it didn't hurt."

"It didn't. Well, just a bit, but it was good too."

"Did it hurt a lot? I hope I didn't make you feel too uncomfortable."

"You didn't, I promise. I told you, it meant a lot to me. It was very romantic. Completely out of character."

Fred laughs. "Yeah, you're the anti-romance freak. I almost forgot that."

"But I really liked it. It was nice. Really nice."

He opens his mouth to ask something more, but thinks better of it and continues to kiss me instead. I snuggle closer, because I feel really insecure right now. Even more then before. Why did I have to say all that?

I almost fall asleep in his arms again, but he interrupts my sleepiness. "It's so quiet."

"I know. I guess the others are sleeping too. They were really partying hard last night. Did you hear that crashing sound? I wonder what they broke," I ponder. I'm just glad that they were occupied with making noise of their own, so they didn't hear us. Not that it was a lot to hear, but still... Now I've embarrassed myself. This is going just great.

"Maybe Charlie finally snapped?" Fred suggests.

"Nah, he wasn't even there last night. He was probably with Lex..." Ooops. Okay, now it's uncomfortable. The last time I mentioned Lex, Fred almost passed out. Everybody hates me because I keep attacking Lex, but how am I supposed to react when she's practically making my boyfriend fall in love with her?

"Yep, probably," Fred mutters under his breath, looking a bit pale, as predicted. Hello, I'm still here! Did he expect me not to hear that? "But enough about that. I can't believe it's just been three hours since we fell asleep. I don't feel all that tired. It was just so amazing, what we did. I love you so much."

Oh, God. "Yeah, I know." He kisses my forehead and puts his hand on my stomach. What's with all the touching? Is he that unable to keep his hands to himself? Jesus, I'm overreacting again, aren't I? "I love you too," I whisper. Whoa, six times. In less then a week. That is amazing. Come to think of it, a week ago, I was still a virgin.

Fred is holding me too tight, I can't breath. I start to move around, and he's losing his grip around me. "What's up? You uncomfortable?" Fred asks, glancing at me.

"No... Hey, is it okay if I go downstairs for a while?"

Fred shrugs, letting me go completely. I sit up with an ungraceful movement, knowing that he's going to make some comment about it. Before I slide off the bed, he grabs my arm and pulls me back. "If you want to, I can order up some food."

"No, I'm not that hungry. I just want to go outside, if I may."

"Of course," he smiles. After that, he rolls over on his stomach, so that he's placed right across the bed. I make a clumsy effort to leave the mattress, but I can't move without feeling pain, and I whimper. "Hey, you alright? You're not in pain, are you?"

"I'll be fine," I assure him.

He tilts his head, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You're still a bit sore, aren't you?"

"Don't worry, it's okay. I guess. I really don't want to talk about that right now. Can we save it for later?" I beg. Yikes, we're going to have a lot to talk about later. He's already made it clear that we need to discuss both Lex and Anthony. And some of our other unsolved business. I should've just broken up with him when I had the chance.

"Oh, yeah, let's save the sex talk for later. I'm just dying to know why you won't tell me when I'm hurting you," Fred mutters. "Could you at least let me show you some concern? I care about you. And I don't want you to be sore."

"Not much to do about it now," I reply.

Fred sighs, but doesn't answer. Then he stares at me for a moment. "You're very beautiful." Right, let the game of pity start again. What am I supposed to do? Buy that crap?

Or tease him? "Anthony says I have nice legs," I point out. Fred just laughs.

"Well, he can just say whatever he pleases, because he's not the one who's fortunate enough to wake up next to you, is he?" Fred snorts. "I'll be sleeping next to you for the rest of the month, and he'll be in his little city, doing... whatever it is that he does."

"'Little city'? He's from New York," I say. "And I was just kidding. He was teasing me, that's all. You know, when I fell and hurt my knee? He was just trying to cheer me up."

"Uhu, well, he better keep his hands to himself," Fred mumbles, resting his head against my pillow. He doesn't seem to be lying in a very comfortable position, but what do I know?

"Or what? You'll beat him up again?"

"Shut up, I was drunk. And he's pretty decent. I'm not a big fan, but if he's nice enough to take care of your injuries, I guess I can't dislike him too much. Skip along now, tiny one." Fred closes his eyes and moves a little, while I get dressed. I can't find my sweater, so I just take one of Fred's. It's not like I'm going to some beauty pageant. I just need to go out and get some air before I pass out.

Before I close the door, Fred throws one of the pillows at me to get me to turn around. "Hey, kid?" Why is he calling me that? "You know I love you very much, don't you?"

"I know. I'll be back before you know it."

I hurry down the stairs, but not so fast that I won't spot any kind of tables before I crash into them. The front doors are already locked up, so I step outside. Even though the stairs are slightly uncomfortable to sit on, I don't feel like walking any further. No more running. I'm tired of running.

Every time I need a moment to myself, someone has to disturb me. And why does it always have to be Portman?! "Hey, Psych. What's up?" Oh, so now my nickname has a nickname? Psych? I'm not worthy the 'O' anymore?

"Nothing. Why are you here? Are you always up this early?" I growl. He sits down next to me, looking out over the pool area. It's a wonder that none of us continue the bickering. We're just quiet for a while. Wow, I didn't know he was able to be still for more then two seconds at the time.

"So, why are you here?"

"I asked first."

"Psycho."

"Idiot."

"Seriously, why are you up? Shouldn't you be all cozy with your boyfriend?"

"Shouldn't you?" We keep on answering each other's questions with a new question until we get tired. So I decide to answer. "I told him I need to be alone."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because that's what normal people needs sometime. To catch their breath. How was the party? Did you drink a lot?"

Portman snorts, gazing at something over by the parking lot. Then he laughs a little. "You should've been there. It was an awesome party. And nobody died."

"That's always good. Hey, you're not mad at me, are you? Seriously, I mean."

"You want me to be serious? Come on! But, sure, I'm not mad. Not for real. Why should I be?"

"Well, for starters, I did tell Luis about you and Fulton. That wasn't a nice thing to do. And I hit your nose. Which felt sort of good, considering the circumstances, but let's disregard that."

"They would've found out anyway. So you had nothing to do with it. Luis never told anyone, and neither did Sammie nor you."

"I only told Fred, but he doesn't care."

"Yeah, I know. He's okay. Fulton told me to apologize."

"To him?"

"Yeah, and to you. But I think you should apologize too. I never told you to keep your mouth shut, but I never expected you to say it anyway. Next time, don't gossip about somebody else's business when it doesn't concern you."

"Hey! I never gossiped! I knew about this for a long time, without letting anyone know. And then you kept making a fool out of me, and I still didn't say anything. I only told Luis, so why are you angry?"

Portman shrugs, looking annoyed. Well, I really don't want him to hate me, because he sort of scares me. Just like Matt does, and I certainly don't want Matt against me. If I'm going to be able to be Fred's perfect girlfriend, I have to swallow my pride regarding most things. Regarding Lex, regarding Charlie and I can start by apologizing, even though Portman should say he's sorry too.

Maybe it'll boost my karma the tiniest bit? "I am sorry," I say quickly, grabbing his arm. "Don't leave. I don't want you to be mad at me. Please, I am sorry." Fine, now I sound pathetic. Fred's going to love me now.

"You don't have to get upset about it," he mutters. "You're such a baby. We're okay now, Psych. I can always come up with some new way to torture you when you come back. Just don't fall for the wrong guy while you're gone."

What's that supposed to mean? I notice that he's not even consider apologizing to me, but I don't care to bring that up. If I want people to like me, I have to stop bugging them all the time. I'll pretend that it doesn't bother me. It's time to be quiet and rely on Fred, instead of being edgy and messing up all the time. What's the point? Nobody's going to care much anyway. It's better this way.

After another quiet minute, my mouth starts to talk without my permission. "Have you ever loved too people at the same time?"

"No, not loved. Why? Is it that Anthony fellow who's on your mind?"

"Sort of. But I don't think he likes me. And even if he does, I still have Fred..."

"Look," he interrupts me. "There's no point in dwelling about some guy that might not even care about you, when you have someone who really loves you. Fred's a cool guy, and I don't want you to run after Anthony if you're not sure it's worth it."

Portman is of course crudely right, but it still hurts to hear the truth from someone who spends most of his time trying to get me killed. "I won't run after anyone. I told you, he doesn't want me, and Fred does. I was just wondering if I'm the worst person in the whole world because I like Anthony too."

"You're not. You're just psychedelic."

"Psychedelic? Do you even know what that means?"

"No. Do you?"

"Not really. You haven't seen Charlie, have you?" I ask. I hope he won't continue to scream at me for leaving. I don't think I can take that right now.

Portman shakes his head. "Nah, he's been missing since last night. Probably with Lex, doing dirty things. Speaking of her, you two aren't gonna fight when you get back, right?"

"Why should we?" I sigh. Portman gives me a questioned look, so I have to elaborate. "You know, she used to be my friend, Lex. I was even closer to Jeff, but after this, it's all ruined. I wish I could take it all back. Fred and I knew them before you guys did, so without us, you wouldn't even be here."

"So we should all thank you?" he laughs.

"No. That's not what I meant. I just meant that it was all a waste of time for me, since I happened to destroy our friendship with one simple punch. I don't have that many friends, and now I have even less then before."

"They're good people. They'll forgive you. And you always have us. Them, I mean. Don't count on me, I still think you're psychedelic," Portman smiles. That didn't cheer me up much, because he doesn't understand how I feel. He's popular and I'm not. God, I'm starting to whine like Fred too. This is worse then bad.

"Let's go get some food. I'm starving." He grabs my hand and brings me back inside. Breakfast sounds nice right about now. Even though I'm wearing an over-sized sweatshirt, I still tag along. It's still no beauty pageant. I just feel dumb because the other girls are going to look so much better then me. As always.

The rest of the team are already up, gathered outside the restaurant. I don't see Anthony. But I'm not supposed to either. Instead I search for Fred, because he loves me for real. Portman lets go of me and walks over to Fulton. It's easy to see that they are really in love. I wonder if Fred and I come off as a happy couple who loves each other? I hope we do.

"Hey, you never came back," Fred announces, putting his arms around my waist.

"I was just talking to Portman. I forgot about the time."

"You didn't fight with him, did you?"

"No. But he refuses to stop calling me Psycho. But everyone seems to call me that now."

Fred growls quietly. "As long as they don't start calling me Bonnie, I'm glad. Let's get some food, kid."

What's with people? Can't they call me by my real name? "I'm not really a psycho, am I?"

"No, definitely not," Fred quickly says. Then he snickers. I wait for him to explain his giggling. "Just... 'They say she's a psycho'..."

I catch on. "...'hey, if that's true'..."

"...'does that mean I'm psycho too?'"

The others are staring at us, so we probably said that quite loud. Let them stare, I don't care. I belong with Fred in so many ways. Nothing will ever change that.

Breakfast is waiting, and Ken of course cuts in line to get his beloved food. Lex is plastered to Charlie's side, but she still has time to smile at me, even though I don't deserve it. And then we eat.

One thing's for sure: I'm never cutting my hair ever again.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Lyrics borrowed:
'Psycho' –Jamie Meyer