Okay, I am working hard to update this better. I've been writing so much in "Mockingbirds," that story is going to be about ten or eleven chapters at the point I'm at. It might go on after that. Anyways, here is the new chap, I hope this satisfies you for a bit. I've got finals coming up in about a week or two, and school is hectic, so the updates will be long amounts of time between them...
Summer laid the white flower on the auburn coffin. She was barely feeling anything. Her lithium dosage had been doubled.
Willow Creek had allowed the whole ward to attend Kaci's funeral, with guardian permission. They always did that with suicides.
Everything had been a blur since that night, exactly 62 hours and 27 minutes ago. It was 12:33 on Friday morning.
Tomorrow, Seth, Marissa, and maybe Ryan were supposed to come visit her. She told the nurses "No Visitors." They called her dad, but that was a waste of a phone call. He wouldn't have come anyways. But that left Summer to call Seth, which she dreaded.
She was dressed in black, which she didn't understand why she packed this. Only her, Nicole, Evan, and Bree were appropriately dressed.
Bree had decided she'd stay until Sunday when they decided if she should stay for longer. Everyone had been stirred up by it, but all the meds were numbing the effect.
"Lucky ass," Summer heard Evan comment. No one was shocked by what she said, except Summer.
"How can you say that? She's dead," Summer argued, looking over at Evan.
"Exactly," Evan told her.
"We should be praising her, not pitying her," Nicole added.
"Why? She killed herself," Summer couldn't understand her wardmates anymore.
"Right. She went through what we wanted to go through," Nicole explained. "That's why we're in Willow Creek, Summer. We. Want. To. Die."
"I don't want that," Summer said right away.
"Then you're one of the lucky few who is getting better," Nicole remarked and suddenly Summer felt different. She felt like the odd person out. They weren't getting better. Was she? Nicole sure thought so. But did anyone else? She felt worse off than ever.
No one spoke after that, they just stared at the grave. It was so surreal. Through all her life, she had never been that close to death. She never even was at a funeral. She thought the shooting had been scary, but this was on a different level.
Summer didn't understand why all this was occurring to her. Had she taken everything for granted? Life, Seth, safety? She felt so ripped away from everything, nothing was shielding her eyes anymore.
She thought back to the last three months she'd never forget. The ones she'd have to share with her husband when they were that close. Then another thought came to her: Wouldn't Seth be the one? Isn't he already? Summer and Seth were meant to be.
Would they last until then? Would she get out of here and they'd live happily ever after? It certainly was possible. Summereth forever, right?
And then the thought that had been bugging her Tuesday night floated in. She needed Seth to be happy.
In fact, Summer Roberts needed Seth Cohen to survive.
Where had all of Summer's independency gone? She never used to need a guy to keep her stable. What had Seth done to her? Had he made her weak? Oh, had she let him?
That was it. Before the first time they were together, she kept her stability, her independency. But when the shooting came, she allowed Seth to get to her heart way too much. Her love for him was the thing that put her in there. Not the shooting.
Summer let Seth destroy her.
No, that couldn't be right. He could never do that to her. Or could he? If she let him, sure. So did that mean if they fought, she'd go and hang herself?
She really needed thicker skin.
The van Willow Creek rented had appeared in the parking lot. Time to go. Summer sighed and become the last girl at the grave.
"Bye Kaci. I'll miss you," Summer didn't cry as she slowly walked down the road in between the gravestones. All these people were gone. How many of them had wanted this? They must've hurt so many people.
And Summer had wanted this?
She stepped into the van and sat next to Alicia, who barely took up a seat. The van started its forty minute trek. They'd be just in time for individual therapy.
Scenery passed her by, it was nice to be out of Willow Creek. It had been almost two months since she had seen the outside world and smelled fresh air.
Suicide stayed on Summer's mind, but not in the way she used to think about it. Why had she wanted it so bad? All it did was hurt. No good came out of it at all. How many times had she tried it? She tried to drown herself once, twice a week in the time she cooped herself in her room. Then twice by Seth. So that was...too many times.
And when she was in here, Seth had tried to die. Why would they want that? Why had they let the other affect them so much? This was a real issue.
Neither Summer nor Seth had stability for a while. The longer they were healthy and far apart, the better they were becoming.
So were they meant to be?
Maybe a year ago, yes. Now? Not so definite. Summer couldn't live without Seth, and reverse.
Romeo and Juliet.
Summer was a modern day Juliet. Seth was Romeo. Meant to be, but so in love, they'd die if they didn't have the other.
She began to grow sick. Was that the proper analogy? Or were they different? They had to be. Their parents weren't in a feud.. There. They were different.
But Summer's dad didn't want them together. Damn.
Summer couldn't shake the thought of it. It was beginning to irk her. Were they really a modern day version of Romeo and Juliet? Were they destined to die?
"Hey Sum, you all right?" Nicole snapped Summer out of her revelations.
"What?" She felt like she had just all of sudden landed in the van.
"Are you okay?" Nicole reiterated, worried about the way Summer was acting.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Summer answered, with no emotion at all.
"You miss her?" Nicole guessed what the problem was.
"Duh," Summer said as Nicole looked at her from the row in front of her.
"Yeah, well, we all do. We just can't let her get to us. None of us really knew her. She barely ever talked," Nicole commented.
"She would talk to me. She'd always talk about this dog she had when she was little. This dog knew how to find places so well. Like, if she was lost, this dog could find the way," Summer reminisced.
"Too bad she didn't have the dog to find the way out of depression," Bree remarked.
"Yep," Summer agreed and the van braked at a stop light.
"Did the dog die?" Mika asked.
"Uh-huh," Summer answered.
"Well now, she can be with the dog up in heaven," Mika tried to lighten to mood and Alicia stifled a laugh. "What?"
"If you guys think she's in heaven, go ahead. But I doubt she's there," Alicia explained. She wasn't religious, but her dad once taught her about the supposed nine levels of hell.
"Why wouldn't she be?" Nicole inquired.
"Well, if you're religious at all, suicide is a mortal sin. You go straight to hell. Most likely, she's on the second level," Alicia kept going.
"There's levels?" Mika exclaimed.
"Yeah, for every major sin, you go down a level," Alicia answered.
"Damn, I've got to be on the twelfth level," Evan counted.
"Twenty most likely for me," Nicole tried to beat Evan.
"There's only nine levels," Alicia corrected them.
"Hey, then we're both on the lowest!" Nicole joked with Evan and Summer zoned out. She was sick of hearing about the levels of hell. It was sickening. Was attempted suicide a sin? She hoped not.
0000000000
"We went to Kaci's funeral today," Summer announced upon sitting down in Kelly's office. The patients were sent right there. For once, Summer really wanted to talk. About everything.
"Wow. Non-hysteric words from you. Haven't heard those from you since Tuesday," Kelly joked.
"Yeah, sorry about that," Summer apologized. She had come in on Wednesday afternoon and collapsed. She had begun to ramble and scream incoherently.
"Don't be. I'm just glad you let your emotions out with noise, and not injury," Kelly hoped today wouldn't be a repeat of the last few days.
"It still landed me in a safety room," Not long after Summer had come in to see Kelly on Wednesday, Kelly had to call for help and Summer was sent to safety room for a day.
It had been horrible, even for just one day. It was like taking out all the color of the world, and leaving you alone to your own destruction.
"I hope you understand that was just for your protection," Kelly had never seen Summer like that.
"I know. It was just weird being in there," Summer thought back to when she went in there. They took anything near sharp, the clipped her nails, her not anymore perfectly manicured nails.
Cameras were set in each corner, so she could be watched from each angle. They had left her with nothing, not even a bouncy ball. Everything was an instrument to hurt yourself.
There wasn't even a window in the goddamn white room with padding everywhere. One of the only things that was correct about mental hospitals. There were padded rooms.
Summer hadn't been able to understand how people could be in there for a week. She barely made it a day. Imagination was either vivid on non-existent in there. Summer had attempted to make a story unfold on the wall, but thinking of characters gave her a headache.
Most of the twenty four hours spent in the safety room was spent sleeping. No morning wake up time. The only good part.
Summer had mostly thought about Newport while in there, and being pissed at Kelly for shipping her in there. That's why she was silent on Thursday.
"That's the reaction from everyone," Kelly smiled. "Now, where do you think we should start today?"
"I don't know, but I have a hell of a lot of stuff to talk about," Summer exclaimed.
"Like?"
"Well, today, when Kaci was being put in the ground, everyone in the ward were commenting on how Kaci was lucky that she was dead. Except me. Then Nikki said something about how I must be getting better. But I never really thought about it. Am I getting better?" Summer rambled.
"Gradually, you have been," Kelly helped.
"Are you sure? Because it doesn't feel like it. At least before Kaci's death. I didn't notice anything in me was changing. And now, all of a sudden, I feel like I'm a different person," Summer claimed.
"That's normal. I always find that for my patients, there is a catalyst that leads to many revelations. In your case, it was Kaci's death. In others, it could be a wedding, a birth. It could even be as simple as a song that leads to discoveries," Kelly explained.
"Oh. Because I've had pretty many revelations. Mostly about Seth," Summer commented.
"You haven't really talked about him," Kelly noted.
"Well, I noticed something. Lately, I only seem to be happy around Seth. It's like my happiness depends on him. And I don't want that. I mean, I love him, but is that right? I've become so dependent on him, and I was never like that. I've been independent all my life, and all of a sudden, I'm not. How can one person do that?" Summer started her tale.
"I was thinking," she kept going, "you know maybe the shooting isn't the real reason I'm in here. Maybe it's Seth. I tried to kill myself over him more than once and he tried to kill himself over me, and I mean, how healthy can that relationship be?"
"I love him so much, and he could be the one," Summer wasn't stopping, "but I'm so dependent on him. We might be like Romeo and Juliet, you know, Meant to be together, but meant to die. And I don't want to die anymore. I want to live, but I also want to be independent and not obsessing over when I'm going to see Cohen again."
"We've switched roles completely," Summer was amazing herself with how much she was talking, "He used to be obsessed with me, like for ten years and that's not healthy but I've become obsessed and I don't want to be. And now, I'm scared that were too meant to be. You know, we're completely perfect for each other, but I don't know that. We make each other so happy, but we hurt each other so much. And I don't know if that's right," Summer was almost in tears.
"Summer, I wish I could give you an absolute answer for this, I really do. But dealing with love is difficult. If you think he's the one and he makes you happy, stay with him. But if you think all you'll do is hurt each other, don't. It's your choice. But it seems to me that you're deeply in love, but you need to take a break to be alone, and independent, and not fall on him all the time. I think you both need that," Kelly tried to answer as best as she could.
"Yeah. He might hate it at first, but it'll help us," Summer felt better.
"Do you think you'll tell him tomorrow at visitation?" Kelly wondered.
"I can't see him. Anyone. I have to call him today to tell him not to come," Summer had left it to the last minute.
"Why?" Kelly didn't understand.
"I just don't want to see them. Not after everything with Kaci. I mean, if I tell them, they'll hug me and say they understand, but I don't think they do. Marissa, maybe. I don't know. I just think I should with this here and not bring my friends from Newport into it," Summer explained to her therapist.
"I can understand that," Kelly replied.
"Yeah, so I'm gonna hand around the nurses' station and bother them with the other non-visitor patients," Summer joked.
"Who are they?" Kelly wondered.
"Oh, um, Nicole, Evan, and Mika," Summer listed off the names.
"Which one of your wardmates are you closest to?" Kelly asked.
"Probably Nicole. We're roommates so I guess she's the closest," Summer didn't understand the relevancy of the question.
"Oh," Kelly commented and Summer knew she herself wanted to say more, but she couldn't. "How close were you to Kaci?"
"We were friends, but I mean, I never would've expected her to do that. I thought she'd be okay. But she just wanted to say something and she didn't know how. Same with those shooters. They needed someone to listen to them, and no one did. And they destroyed so many lives because of it. I remember when that first gunshot went off, and somehow I knew someone was dead. And I was scared it was someone I knew. And then Seth was shot and that's the reason I'm in here. Because of Seth," Summer rambled on.
"So you think that if Seth hadn't been shot, you wouldn't be in here," Kelly deduced.
"Yeah. Because I'd have him to help me through. I could still be independent even," Summer wondered what her life would be like if Seth hadn't been shot. Their whole world would be so different.
"Uh-huh," Kelly began to write some more things in her notebook, and checked her watch. "Well, Summer, I do believe we've run out of time."
"Really? Wow, usually, I'm on top of that," Summer and Kelly both stood up.
"Yes, well today was a major breakthrough. You've really progressed," Kelly added.
"I suppose so," Summer still felt like there were a lot more things they hadn't covered.
"How do you feel?" she asked.
"Better, I guess. I mean, I got a ton of stuff off of my mind. It's not all stuck up in my head," Summer laughed.
"It's always better to get things out. So I'll see you on Sunday, Summer," Kelly said her goodbye.
"Yep. Bye," Summer walked out, ultimately feeling better. She was progressing. The twentieth was when she would get out. Only...24 more days until she'd see the real world again.
Walking down the hall, she checked the time. Seth was home now. She'd have to call him sooner or later. She might as well now.
So Summer stepped in the first pay phone, the one she always talked to Seth in.
"Summer Roberts dialing the Cohens' residence," she told the receiver and soon heard the phone ringing. She tried to plan out what she would say.
"Hello?" Kirsten answered.
"Oh hi, Mrs. Cohen. Is Seth around?" Summer hadn't been expecting Kirsten.
"Yeah. Let me get him," Kirsten knew who it was and went to the living room where Seth was playing PlayStation with Ryan and Marissa.
'Hello?" Seth took the phone with no knowledge of who was on the other line.
"Hey Seth," Summer greeted him.
"Summer! Hey! How are you doing?" Seth paused the game and headed into the kitchen.
"I'm really good actually," Summer answered, happy to hear him.
"Awesome. I was gonna call you, you know, to see if you needed anything for us to bring..." Seth now found himself sitting on the stairs.
"That's actually the reason I called," Summer knew he'd take it the wrong way.
"Oh, visitation tomorrow?" Seth replied.
"Yeah. Um, you guys can't, um, visit," Summer told him.
"What? Why?" Seth didn't understand his girlfriend.
"Something came up," Immediately, Seth knew she was lying.
"Like what?" Seth felt like Summer was hiding something major and he grew jealous.
"It's complicated. Listen, I'll talk to you soon. But um, is Ryan alright?" Summer was worrying about him.
"If you mean off drugs and not in Willow Creek, then yeah," Seth felt like he was losing Summer.
"You know?" Summer asked.
"Yeah, I know. We all know. Thanks for not telling me," Seth commented sarcastically.
"Seth, I swore not to tell anyone," Summer didn't want to argue.
"I know. But it feels like you're closer with Ryan than me," Seth told her.
"He told me because I was going to kill myself over you. Again," Summer thought that maybe now she'd have to say everything to Seth.
"What does that mean?" Seth had this horrible gut feeling inside him. Summer took a deep breath and prepared to tell him.
"I think we should take a break," Summer said it very quickly and then felt incredibly guilty. Seth was awestruck. "I'm sorry Seth. It's just I think we need to take a small break. It could really help us."
Seth took it all in. Summer was breaking up with him. He had indeed lost her. How? What had he done wrong? He couldn't understand it.
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Seth gave in and felt sick. Summer didn't want him. He hung up the phone.
"Bye," she told Seth, but he was already gone.
There ends the next chapter. I really want to type up the next chap, so look for that in a few days...I'm not gonna put any message from me in that one, so you can guess the whole time...hehe. Please review, I love them. And I will go update Mockingbirds for the people who read that.