Something Better
By Jia Zhang
Part II
Eyes light up by candlelight,
Whispering softly to my soul,
Trying to find words to describe
Whether or not you make me whole.
I sit back and you relax,
But you were all alone.
Don't get too comfortable,
I swear it's just pheromones.
He watched the water with sullen eyes, monotonous, void of any emotion. He picked up a pebble, smaller than the tip of his finger, and dropped it into the water. Ripples ran outward, as if to escape from some mysterious foe. That seemed to be exactly what he was doing—struggling and fighting against some enemy, forgotten by all but him. It haunts his life daily, putting him through a cycle of heartache and heartbreak, whether he was the catalyst or the resultant. He felt so dull, a seed covered in dirt and mold, too tired to break free from this hold that was thick like molasses, and twice as cold as snow.
He had fought—fought as hard as he could. He was a warrior, with strength and great agility, who could break through any barricade that was erected before him. But this—this was too much to break, too hard to smash, too thick to travel through. This was the weight of his destiny.
And he could not escape it, this cruel fate of his, which had robbed him of everything.
But he had fought it for too long, and too hard, and when it counted most, he couldn't push against this crushing tide that engulfed him and swept him away into oblivion. He felt dead, utterly lifeless—a mere corpse, lying cold and alone in a dark alley.
He dropped another pebble into the water, and watched the ripples float outward. Someone had once told him that we were all pebbles, and that the actions we make ripple across time, and change everything around us. But in his case, he was more of a rock, that dropped and made a splash that left all those around him in shards of rock and glass.
He never wanted this—he wanted to be free, a bird that could spread his wings and fly away into the horizon and the Sun. For so long he had been locked up high in a sweet bird cage, and finally he had broke through and found the paradise he was looking for, found the song he so longed to hear, only to have that sweet music silenced and smashed into pieces. The rose-coloured glasses he had worn for so long had finally shattered, and he was left with this bitter tasting reality.
He had so many regrets, so many things he wished he could have said, should have said, but never got a chance to. And he never would. He always thought that he would have all the time in the world to be with her, to be near her.
But his fantasy, his happiness, was shunned into obscurity.
Do I or don't I baby?
What shall I do with you?
Pointless thoughts say maybe,
Could my love be true?
There's times when you're too good for me
And others when you're not.
How could you be the one for me?
You're not the one I sought.
But then there's time when you look at me,
Like I'm the only one you see…
Then, like a dream, it's gone,
And I know what I'm doing is wrong.
He never expected to fall in love, much less be loved by anyone. There were so many things that had happened to him that made him the way he was—the loss of his father, the pain of growing up in the shadows, and the duty forced upon him by those who he burns with an immense hatred for. He had planned to become strong—strong enough to break out of this cold mold, coated with tar and rot, stuck in between a rock and a mountain.
Throughout his life, his one goal was to be strong, to gain back what he had lost, so he would never again be broken by the bonds of his pathway. This had been his goal, and she had always understood that better than anyone.
She was never something you'd call beautiful—fair in a sense that fair was fair. There was nothing about her that would make her stand out. At the beginning, to him, she was just some nothing-special girl, absolutely ordinary, like any other girl. But that was when they were children, when they helped each other to get stronger, to reach the peak of their Everest. They were teammates, comrades, people who you could trust. That was all—a nothing-special sort of girl.
But she became much more than that.
Somehow, and he did not know why, nor did he chose to question it, she always seemed to understand what he was thinking. She could understand his mood; his goal, his desires, and she always, always, pushed him to strive to be much more than even his goal. She became his muse—she became the force that drove him, the strength behind the mask. She was much more than a nothing-special girl—plain and ordinary at first site, but once you look into the depth of her eyes, you could see strength greater than anyone you will ever know.
And he was moved.
She became his confident—his first real friend. She would get him out of bed in the morning, train with him, eat with him, and be by his side every step of the way. For years, they stood together on their journey, side by side against all foes and enemies. As a child, she had become more to him than anyone had ever had. She had carved for herself, without even meaning to, a place inside the caverns of what was left of his ashen heart, frozen inside an iceberg.
She became his everything.
Even though he was the one with eyes that could see through everything and everyone, in front of her, he was bare to the bone. He could never hide anything from the brown orbs of her eyes—the Machiavellian smirk in her smile would take his breath away. And she was strong, unique, a rose that grew within a battlefield of bloody carcasses and the smell of rot. She became his Sun, that melted away all of his worries and nightmares.
And secretly, without even knowing it, he'd already fallen under her spell.
Do I or don't I, baby?
What shall I do with you?
Pointless thoughts say maybe,
Could my love be true?
But when I look into your eyes,
There's no way to summarize,
The way I feel inside.
And he watched her from afar—admired her serene beauty, and her gentle strength. He admired her for her wit, her ability to see the best out of everything. And slowly, he found himself fallen deep in love, far deeper than he had ever imagined. From when they were children, to this moment in time, they had grown so much, yet changed so little on the inside. And she still meant everything to him.
He'd get jealous at all the men who would stare at her with eyes of impurity, although he was unwilling to admit it, so did he. She had grown up, to change into a butterfly, more graceful than any monarch. When he realized how he felt, he was so afraid, for the very first time. He was terrified that someday she just might love someone the way he loved her—and that would've hurt him more than any weapon ever could.
He knew that she was so much better than him, a warm hearted girl, with more strength in her soul than any warrior. She was the most trustworthy, the one who would never abandon a teammate simply for a mission. She knew the importance of life, and its true value. He knew that she was so much better than he was, that she deserved so much more than he could ever give her. And sometimes, he wondered if there was one in a million chance that he could take her hand.
So, he was more than just a little surprised when she told him she loved him. Just like how he loved her.
For the first time in his life he was finally truly happy, being with that one special person you looked for all your life. For the first time in his life, he felt as if all the pain and scars left on his body had been washed away by the rain, leaving only her soft kisses. For the first time, he could finally touch her and hold her as he always wanted to.
For the first time, he was finally happy.
But fairy-tales don't exist, and his came crashing down into ashes.
Perhaps sometime I'll decide,
But then it'll be too late.
The gap between us is too wide,
Life is wasted on those that wait.
Now when you look at me,
And you take my hand,
I begin to understand,
You're not for me…
You're not for me…
The arrangement came quickly. He did not know of any of the plans of the Main Branch, until the day the Family came to speak to him. He was going to get married, that was what they said. He was going to get married, to a girl he did not know. He was going to get married, and there was nothing he could do. This was his duty. Finally, his fate had caught up with him.
He was once again being torn into pieces, and she was not there to pick them up.
The woman he would marry, she was from a respectable family. She was fair in beauty, but to him she was a mere doll, nothing more, with no originality and soul. This was the woman the Family wished for him to marry, to bare children with, so that they as a clan could prosper…because of all the help she had given him, he was finally strong. This was why his duty had changed.
But then again, so did his goal.
It had changed a long time ago, when he began to notice the sparkle in her brown orbs when she was happy, the dimples in her cheeks when she laughed, the torment in her eyes when she was sad, and the fire that burned within her when she truly needed to be strong. Because of her, his goal changed. His purpose changed. No longer did he simply want to be strong—no, he had already passed that goal and reached the one she always wished for him to achieve. He was now fighting to protect the people—to protect her.
This goal, once again, was being robbed from him, like everything else in his life.
This time, he had no way of getting away from his cage. He was trapped, and he could no longer fight. And this time, she could not help him.
It pained him so much to have to end his sweet fairy-tale. He wanted so much to be able to stay with her forever, the woman he had come to love. It was mere admiration at the beginning, but now it had become much more than that. He didn't want to end it. He didn't want to tell her what his fate was forcing upon him again, because just like how she is and will always be—something that he loved most—she would support him to break from the hold of his family.
But he knew that if she tried to help, she would be much more injured than from a simple heartbreak.
So he lied—for the first time in his life he lied. He told her the polar opposite of everything he truly felt for her. And he watched, his heart heavy like stone at the expression that crossed her face. Surprise, shock, anguish, sadness…it hurt him to watch her like this. He hated this all too much, so much that he felt like exploding—but at least, even if he was forced down this road by his fate, at least he hoped she would one day move on from him, for her to one day find the happiness she so rightly deserved.
Because she was so much better than him, and she deserved so much more than what he could ever offer her.
She deserved to find something better.
He dropped another pebbled into the water, watching the ripples flow across the surface. An action was created, and the waves crushed whatever happiness he had left. But at least, someday she would be happy. For now, and forever, that would be his goal.
"Tenten…I'm sorry…"
Do I or don't I, baby?
I know what to do with you.
No longer do I ask maybe,
I know I don't love you.
I don't love you…
to be continued
Author's Note: Yay! Happiness! I finally finished the second part of Something Better. I hope to dear God that I kept Neji in profile, and hope that I didn't turn him too out of character. This chapter is once again put to my friend Christine's song, and I will burn you if you try to steal it. I also want to thank K-chan, my supreme holy beta for editing this chapter for me. Oh, and don't forget to read and review. The last part of this fic will be posted soon…in a few days or so. Look for it on my Live Journal, alone with all my other crap...
Jia Z.
© May, 2005 by Jia Zhang. All rights reserved.
