How the Fellowship REALLY got started
Disclaimer: MAHAHAHA!!!! I went to Tolkien's grave and STOLE the rights to Lord of the Rings!!! No I didn't! Damn imaginative yet non-realistical imagination!!!
This is slightly edited b/c someone (shifty eyes at people of fan fiction) took off my story so i'm reposting it! Mahahaha!
Ok a couple of notes de author (no, not authors notes, haha a way AROUND authority!!!): I was Extremely SUGAR HIGH the entire week it took me to write this (actually the first part I wrote between 11 and 3 a.m. one night when I couldn't sleep and just kept adding to it!), incase you couldn't tell from their OBVIOUS personality here is a list of who my characters are who they want you to think their names are: First old dude I mention who has an EVIL spirit Sauron, little crazed dude/smugoalSméagol, HAHAGollum, Bobo BaggypantsBilbo Baggins, FernandoFrodo, ShamSam, PoppyPippin, MerfyMerry, GoGolfGandalf LegoLegolas, Hooded GuyStrider, El SmithoElrond, Awry: Arwen
I know I make fun of people with asthmatic problems but I am not truly insulting them because I myself have Asthma, I also insult people that work in medicine even though my mom is a nurse and quite a few of my friends parents are doctors. Yes this is RATHER long but it IS rather long. Anything in ( ) is just random notes I think make this even FUNNIER!!!!
So, there was this old dude right? (There was okay, just believe it there was!) Now, he knew he wasn't EXACTLY immortal, but he wanted his EVIL sprit (Mahahaha) to live on forever and ever. So he made this sparkly thing in the shape of a circle most people would call it a RING (dunno why) So this EVIL RING decided it wanted to be a nice necklace instead. So he jumped off the old creep's finger and ran away. (Yea, I know peoples say Aragorn's ancestor chopped off the dude's finger with the SPECIAL Sword, but they're WRONG!!!) SO anyhow the ring was just strolling' oh so very innocently to a nice ice fishing spot (yes, MIDDLE Earth started ice-fishing not ALASKA, stupid inaccurate copyright laws!)
So these short little crazed dudes (actually crazed not just a form of speech) who were very attracted to the shiny thing at the bottom of the frozen lake. One of the dudes jumped into the icy lake while the other stood on the ice and did the hokie pokie! So the little dude Smugoal (No, not Sméagol, smugoal, got it? I don't care just keep reading) watched as his friend/brother/cousin/mother/grandfather/uncle(Now it seems like the little dudes have all these distant relatives, but they're actually mostly just the one dude) go skippy-skippy-do on the thin ice. Then smugoal saw the shininess suspended in mid-water and went and got it.
When he came back his friend/ (must I go on? Well, I'm not gonna) was gone and in his place stood a sign that read: I'm-goin'-real-fishin'-cause-this-ice-fishin'-crap-is-freezin-my-a...(yes there were actually dots on the sign) Years and days passed Smugoal just kept sayin' over and over "My precious" and the ring got bored and decided to be all EVIL again and went POOF LITTLE BUNNY FOO FOO and changed the really cute Smugoal (yes REALLY CUTE) into this ugly little freak with back problems (note the spine that is like sticking out of back) as well as asthmatic problems so every five days he would hack up a lung (he had a lot of lungs) and every time he did there was this really irritating sound that went "HAHA". Now HAHA was not Smugoal's split like they WANT you to think, nope it was this little fuzzy bunny that stalked him. "HOP, I'M STALKING YOU, HIPPY-HOP I SEE YOU" the bunny would say and Smugoal would turn around and go to slap him but his fuzzy bunniness would overcome him and he would just smile and that would cause laugh-lines (that's right folks those are not frown-wrinkles they're smile-lines, hehe DON'T SMILE!!!) But then "Hip, I can see you, Hop, I know where you live" and it would all start again.
But then 497 years later (no not 500) a fat little hobbit (the NEW name short little dude) called Bobo Baggypants was being arrested but the justice system was pretty simple in those days: you spend months, and months, and months planning on how to break into that stash without getting caught the pole lice (nowadays called "police" what a concept) stand behind a shelf, let you steal whatever you want and then on your way out poke you in the left eye (never the right eye because right eyes were scared) then trip you and tie you to a tree, get drunk (those two are not necessarily in that order) then chop down and push it into a deep dark tunnel that they figured was train station. The cave Bobo HAPPENED to be pushed down was HAHA's cave. HAHA had made Smugoal his slave with all his evil-yet-so-very-cute-and-fuzzy-bunnie (not a typo) powers. Smugoal was so desperate to get away from HAHA that he was willing to give up ... (random eyes roll mysteriously back and forth) THE RING. Unfortunately, the ring now belonged to HAHA. So Bobo, being the criminal mastermind that he is, helped Smugoal steal back the ring (not sure why as he saw no benefit for himself) But then Smugoal offered to give THE RING...for a PRICE.
Smugoal is on his knees begging with eyes that made him look like a high/possessed puppy. "Please, please You've got to helps messsss, Just PLEASE TAKE THE BUNNY Take him FAR FAR AWAY" (Eyes grow wider and wider to bursting point on CAPITALIZED words) Smugoal's eyes burst.
"Mahahaha...." HAHA also has asthmatic problems and passes out....we think of what oh so sophisticated doctors call: Lack-of-air-due-to-Laughter (Ah, the medical world so complex and ununderstandable)
Bobo backs out of impossible to escape cave with ease, although he has no skill whatsoever in opening doors.So old hobbit dude (Bobo) gives RING to younger hobbit dude. He shall be called
Fernando.
"Hey look all tiny little unimportant midgets lookie, lookie at this thing that looks like a cookie!" –Fernando. Millions and billions of tiny big foots come screaming and trying to eat THE RING. One succeeded in chewing on part of it as well as Fernando's finger.
"Hellu Fernando. Sorry about the whole chewing on your finger thing" Crazed little hobbit says as he continues to chew on Fernando's finger.
"Well hellu little fat hobbit who's in love with me and creeps outside my window at night and who is trying to eat my finger but does not realize that that's impossible because it is made of oh-so-edible-Superglue."- Fernando
Crazed fat hobbit (from now on called Sham) continues to eat finger. An old dude in square hat shows up (not a pointy hat, not top hat a square hat) and taps Sham.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What are you trying to KILL ME?!! Stupid old men with tapping fingers always going around taping and poking people, not people, HOBBITS!"- Sham
Fernando jumps at the sound of poking even though he was already levitating. "POKE!" He pokes the old man who goes unconscious. (old manGoGolf)
"THE RING IS SO PRETTY BUT EVIL!" –GoGolf
Fernando shrieks like a little girl. (Spontaneous author's note: Notice how whenever a little girl shrieks no one says stuff like: Shrieks like a 30 year old man)
"AT THE YMCA WE ALL EXPLODE" Sham said singing and doing hand motions to the Macarena to the beat of Locomotion. GoGolf wakes up...sort of.
GoGolf tosses THE RING into conviently placed lake. The RING then read in the foreign language of BRITISH: "Go to Rivendell and have GoGolf disappear and work on his apperation skills."
So they obeyed. On the way they met Poppy and Merfy. Short description of Poppy and Merfy: cute, high, hobbits, from the Shire, related somehow to Fernando, like beer, funny fools. Merfy and Poppy landed on Fernando and Sham when they fell out of the sky.
"WOW! You're like hairy little raindrops!" -Sham
"WOOHOO! I can FLY! Watch me!" Merfy runs into tree, then like a squirrel up the tree, does not come down...yet.
Poppy grasps ring from Fernando's sissy grip. "YOINK!"
Fernando looks Poppy deep in the eyes. "You STOLE...my dress!" Fernando tackles Poppy to ground Poppy bites Fernando.
"Did you just BITE me?"- Fernando
"Actually...that was me."- Sham
"YOU? How could it possibly be you?! You're in quicksand."- Fernando
"Yes." – Sham
Poppy & Merfy come out of sea monster's stomach and take turns hitting Fernando and Sham with fish, bananas and top hats. Fernando, Sham, Merfy, and Poppy go hikey hikey through places. They come to a bar.
"YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Poppy & Merfy jump and while mid-air do victory dance for finding a bar where they can drink...and get drunk (Just in case SOMEONE didn't get why they would be that happy about finding a bar read their description above).
Merfy & Poppy get drunk...in world record time. Sham takes up a whole table because of the dry quicksand and the big lunch he had the day before. Leaving Fernando alone, just like he liked it...Nice and Alone. Fernando, who was spacing about space, perked up his big hobbity ears when he heard Poppy talking about IT.
"No, Poppy! You weren't supposed to tell anyone!" -Fernando tackles Poppy. Poppy bashes his head against bar stool. Merfy and Sham come as fast as they can (for Sham that is not very fast)
Merfy & Sham & Fernando pull unconscious Poppy to table and shake him. When this fails they pour beer on him, under his nose, and down his pants. "Poppy you STUPIDNESS of a Took! You aren't supposed to tell anyone one about…" all turn to see if anyone is listening, they are, as they turn their back it's a four-way head-bunk, "
the STASH." Man in hood comes over and easily lifts each hobbit, except Sham, with a single finger (Sham needed to be carried by TWO fingers.)
"So where is it?" - Hooded Guy All Hobbits stand there in utter silence (hehe...utter...silence). "I said where IS IT?!" Hooded Guy's eyes become much like Smugoal's when he was begging Bobo to take HAHA away.
"We have no idea what you're talking about. We hide nothing."- Fernando (Don't know if this We refers to himself and other hobbits or...other people)
"Indeed." Hooded Guy puts out lit candle with forefinger and thumb (not sure why) "Owwwwww!!!!! That REALLY hurt! You BEEPIN' candle you burned my beepin' finger!"
All hobbits gasp. Poppy hiccups.
"So where is it? Where is the STASH? I MUST KNOW!!!!" Hooded Guy shakes lamppost which he thinks is Fernando.
"Uh, hooded guy I'm over here."- Fernando. Hooded Guy goes to grab and shake him but trips over his over his shoelaces and hits the floor instead. Gets back up and starts to shake Poppy!
"Ah my dear hooded fellow, you are so very confuzzled." Merfy said blowing on his finger nails as if he had just painted them with pretty pink nail polish. "That is not Fernando nor I nor Sham. The one whom you are shaking is Poppy. It is true that he knows of the place of unintelligible knowledge but you will not acquire it in that way."
All look and Merfy and blink. Merfy looks at his blue toenails.
"Yes, but Where is the STASH? I must know for...show and tell." - Hooded Guy
"Well unless you let me go I refuse to tell you and shall not tell you where it is." Poppy starts kicking Hooded Guy.
Hooded Guy drops Poppy. "Piggy back Ride! Piggy! Piggy back Ride!" All lights turn on.
"Ah! I'm BLINDED!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO! Mr. Fernando help me!" –Sham Fernando drops ice cream cone and puts on military uniform, jumps out window, and magically reappears! (With normal clothing on)
"What are you doing here?" Poppy asked not noticing the outfit change.
Fernando very happily and hyperly (like me right now) "Well, I WAS falling and falling and falling and falling AND THEN I was back here!" said and smiled.
"AHHHHHHHHH! You STUPID falling, tree-like hobbit!" Hooded Guy jumps out same window as Fernando but does NOT magically reappear. All hobbits start to dance.
Poppy does the Cha-cha, Merfy does the chicken dance, and Sham and Fernando did the can-can. Fernando was reluctant to have Sham touch him but he just LOVED the can-can so much!
After their little Par-tay the hobbits left the Bouncing Pony Inn, and decided to sleep instead on a BIG rock. In the middle of the night Sham got hungry (shock) so Merfy and Poppy said a fire would keep his stomach warm and lit one for him. Fernando woke up because he smelled dirty feet and looked over the edge and saw scary monsters at the bottom!
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Monsters!!!" Fernando was so afraid he ran and did a belly-flop on top of the fire!!! The monsters chased them all the way to a stony mountain called Weasel Top.
At Weasel Top:
Cheesy soap opera music plays.
"Ahhhh! I have been stabbed by an invisible sword that is being held by an invisible person that I can only see I can only see because I became invisible, making them visible and now I have a BOO-BOO!"- Fernando
Hooded Guy shows up to save the day after it being un-saved. Except now he wasn't wearing a hood. (He shall now be called Un-hooded Guy)
Whap, Bam, Pow, Smack. "Ooh lipstick!" Wap, Fly swat, Stab, and then he went to go fight the bad guys.
After evil guys recoiled in fear of the self-abusive Un-hooded Guy:
"Okie Dokie Sham, I need Big PINK PRETTY flowers, it will bring out his eyes, and then I need some healing plants." – Un-hooded Guy
Sham goes and gets flowers and comes back covered in thorns. The beautiful elven princess, who happened to be Un-hooded Guy's girlfriend, HAPPENED to show up. Then the elfin princess, named Awry, slapped Un-hooded Guy for not calling her last night.
"But baby, I was in this Inn and I had to save the hobbits and..." – Un-hooded Guy
"Whatever! Just don't do it again! Ok, I'll take him to my father. " Arwy gets on horse and rides away. Does a double-take on horse and goes back and gets Fernando and rides away again.
The evil peoples try to chase her but they can't due to their horses abandoned and they had no legs. So she rode Fernando to her father's aid because elves have speciallity special healing power and he was especially powerfully powerful in these powers. His name was El Smitho. El Smitho healed Mr. Fernando as best he could and Fernando survived. El Smitho then held a council at his council of Councily Councilness.
