Chapter 5: Meetings With Professor Dumbledore
By: stu14688
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. J. K. Rowling is the mastermind behind that masterpiece. Please don't sue.
Harry went into the locked room behind Dumbledore. The professor kept the room locked so that nobody else could discover what he and Harry did every other day. It was a training room. So far, he had only come in here to learn occlumency. Dumbledore had been teaching him since neither Snape nor Harry wanted or could work with each other. Their disdain for one another was mutual and strong.
Under the tuition of the headmaster, Harry had shown to be an apt student of that particular branch of magic. He was actually now learning legilimency too. He was proving to be good at that as well. Harry had actually almost gotten past the older wizard's block in their previous session. Both Harry and Dumbledore had been pleasantly surprised by that show of progress.
Training was not the only thing that went on the locked room. Throughout the summer, Dumbledore had desperately been trying to regain the trust that he lost last June. Harry had been open at telling the older wizard that he would like to be able to trust him again, but that it would take some work for that trust to be earned. Dumbledore knew that Harry needed to feel as if someone knew better than he did, and so he began the long task of regaining what he had lost. It had taken some time, but things were beginning to work out. Both wizards were eager for the trust to resume, but both also knew that this time it would have to be earned – not blindly given.
As a result of no-one else in the Order knowing of Harry's extra training, Harry began to find himself confiding in his professor. This really helped in the area of each other's trust in one another. Dumbledore always patiently listened to Harry's ideas, problems, and uncertainties. He began to learn more about the boy that he thought that he knew so well. In reality, he thought that he had known how difficult Harry's existence was at the Dursleys, but he was sadly mistaken. Harry had been through more than even Dumbledore knew, and the headmaster began to wonder at how such a young person could actually have survived his many emotional blows. A new revelation from Harry one night left the old wizard so disconcerted that he actually had to call an early end to the meeting.
Flashback
Harry was facing his headmaster. They had just had another battle for access to Harry's mind. Harry was doing quite well, but tonight something more seemed to bothering the young man.
"Professor, can we quit for now? I want to talk to somebody, and seeing as how you're here, then I figured I might be able to talk to you."
Dumbledore was rather surprised by the question. Over the past month Harry had became quite open with him. He had ceased asking permission to talk about three weeks ago. He wondered what was on Harry's mind, and simply sat down in one of the squishy chintz armchairs that he had conjured for the room. He gave Harry a nod of affirmation, and watched while the boy paced and gathered his thoughts.
"Professor, I need to ask you some things and I don't want you to be offended by them. The answers that you provide will mean all the difference to me even if they seem rather trivial to you." Harry gave his headmaster a pointed look. It was not a hateful look, just one that emphasized how much Dumbledore's words would mean.
Professor Dumbledore did not say anything but looked at Harry over the tips of his fingers that he had brought together – the same way he did on the day of Harry's hearing before his fifth year. Harry took this as a sign to continue.
"I need to know – does anyone truly care for me: Harry James Potter, or do they just care about the Boy-Who-Lived? Does everyone I know regard me with pity or does someone actually care? Please tell me why my safety is so terribly important to everyone in this house. I want the honest to goodness truth, not what you think that I want or ought to hear."
Whatever the headmaster had been expecting, it certainly was not that. He gazed into nothingness as Harry sat across from him in the second chair. He knew that Harry struggled with whether or not the rest of the world liked him for him, but it never occurred to Dumbledore that he would do the same with his friends and surrogate family. He looked over at the young boy – no scratch that – young man and sighed.
"Yes, Harry. We do truly care for you. Not the Boy-Who-Lived, but you, Harry James Potter. Not just me either, everyone in this house cares for you. We love you as if you were family. I know that the Arthur and Molly consider you to be their seventh son, and Remus feels the same way. Mrs. Weasley and Remus told you that on your birthday. The Weasley children, though most of them are adults, look at you as a brother – especially Ron. Ms. Granger cares deeply for you. Remember that she did not know your story either until the age of eleven. The rest of the Order sees you as a nephew or something close to it. Harry, I know that I've made mistakes concerning you, but you can be assured that I also love you. It pains me greatly to know how you've suffered so much in such a short time.
"Pity, Harry, is something that no one here feels for you. We all know how much you hate to be pitied, but we do care and are sorry for the lot that life has cast you. Any one of us would change the past if it were possible. We'd give you just a moment with your loved ones and a chance at a life free of Voldemort, but that's an impossible dream. A dream from the Mirror of Erised. All that we have to try to make better is the future, and that's why your safety is so desperately important. You know that, but I have a feeling that you think that's not a good enough reason. Knowing you, you most likely think that your safety is of little importance compared to everyone else. At the very least, you think that everybody should be protected as you are."
Harry had stood and walked over to the fireplace and was now just looking into it. His face was blank and Dumbledore knew that he was fighting many emotions and thoughts all at once. He agreed that Harry had acquired the habit of fire-gazing (even if in this case there was an absence of a fire due to the extreme summer heat) after his many talks with Sirius through use of the floo network. He had been told by many in Grimmauld Place about how Harry would just stare into empty fireplaces around the house. It had worried many of the members at first, and then Hermione had calmly explained about how Harry and Sirius had spoken via the floo network over the past couple of years and said that probably explained the "fire-gazing," as it had been called.
It had startled Dumbledore when Harry had spoken many minutes later. "You probably think that I'm selfish or just plain stupid to ask those kinds of questions. It's just that when you grow up with no one liking you or not really knowing that you exist and you are suddenly thrust into a completely different world where everyone knows you and claims to really care, then I suppose you just start to wonder if anyone has any interest in who you truly are. No matter which world I am in, the people who reside there already have this fixed idea of the kind of person I am and the kind of life that I lead. They either think that I'm an "incurably criminal boy," a celebrity with the perfect life, or an insane, attention-seeking brat. If it is none of these ideas of my life, then people just look at me as if I'm still that orphaned infant. Their eyes full of pity. Maybe they think that they are helping, but in reality, they're not. I don't want to be coddled and held. I want this sad excuse for a life to be over."
Dumbledore gave a sharp intake of breath when he heard those words. Surely Harry wasn't thinking of…No, he couldn't be… The headmaster's thoughts were interrupted by an exhausted laughter. It was Harry.
"Sorry, Professor. I didn't think of how that would sound before I said it. No, I'm not suicidal. What I meant was that I'm tired of living my life being chased by a power-hungry, murderous psychopath. I want that part of my life to end. I want Voldemort gone so that I can actually try to discover what living really is. Is it not more than breathing, sleeping, and eating?"
Harry sighed heavily. He looked and sounded like an old man weighted down with many years of life. He did not have the exuberance of a sixteen year old, nor did he have a sixteen year-old's view on the world and on life. Harry was an exception to every group it seemed. It was a role he had come to accept. If it was something difficult and unwanted, then the situation always seem to fall on the thin shoulders of this one young man. He would take on each new weight and shift it around until he could carry it without too much discomfort and trudged on.
These images of his beloved student left Dumbledore struggling for control over his body's reaction to his emotions. He shook his head, stood, and walked over to the fireplace beside Harry. He tentatively lifted his hand and placed it on the right should of the raven-haired boy. "Yes, Harry, there is more than eating, sleeping, and breathing. So much more. I want more than anything for you to be able to experience it all. Come on, let's call it a night. Go get some rest and some of Mrs. Weasley's fine cooking. I'll be back the day after tomorrow and we'll practice some more."
Harry simply nodded and turned to leave. Just as he reached the door, he turned back and faced Dumbledore who had been watching him leave. "Professor?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"Thank you. Thank you for listening to my complaints and insecurities. But mainly, thank you for caring." With that, Harry left the room. Dumbledore went and sat back down, placed his head in his hands, and wept for the Boy-who-lived.
Flashback ended
Dumbledore went over to the armchairs as Harry closed the door. The professor could tell that Harry was miffed over something, and he knew that they had better talk before today's lesson.
"Harry. Something seems to be bothering you, would you like to talk before the lesson?"
"Oh. It's not a big deal, I suppose. It's just Ron and Hermione. They were asking me again about that dream that I had on my birthday. You remember which one I'm talking about. I told you about it."
Dumbledore watched as Harry tried to regain the composure that he had been so careful to keep this summer. He could not help but smile at his companion's valiant efforts – which seemed to be failing only causing more anger and frustration. Inspiration suddenly struck the headmaster. He immediately conjured a punching bag near the far wall, about fifty feather pillows, and ten muggle store mannequins. Harry gave the headmaster a quizzical look.
"Er, Professor. No offense, but I don't think that a punching bag, pillows, and mannequins are going to do much good in occlumency. I hate to break it to you, but these muggle articles don't have brains."
Dumbledore laughed outright at the last statement. At least he is getting his sense of humor back. I know that he's been trying, but that was one of his first true jokes since June.
"Well, yes, Mr. Potter, I was aware of the brain fact. You're wrong with the first part, though. These 'muggle articles' will help with today's lesson. I'll magically seal off this room, so that any magic that goes on cannot be detected. I want you to take out your wand and use it to take out your anger on those poor mannequins and pillows. At sometime, I want you to take out more anger the muggle way with the punching bag. Whatever image…err…Dudley... you decide to give it in your mind's eye is up to you. Now, have at it."
Harry sat transfixed for a moment trying to comprehend what was going on. He finally decided that something must be up. "Okay, who are you, and what did you do with Albus Dumbledore: Headmaster of Hogwarts, Founder of the Order of the Phoenix, and all that other stuff?"
For the second time in ten minutes, the headmaster laughed. "It's me, Harry. Now, you need to let out some of that pent up anger – or else I may find myself in an area of disarray again. Go ahead and let out what you have kept locked up over the summer. I daresay that you of all people should have that right. We'll talk later."
Harry, who was still rather angry with his best friends – well Ron, Hermione had apologized – decided that it was not such a bad idea. So, he let off some steam – almost literally. He blew up every pillow only to fix them all and do it again. Then he took special aim at the oversized dolls and sent pieces of them all over the room. After the mannequins, he was exhausted and decided to leave "Dudley" for another day.
He turned and sat in the chair facing the professor who had watched the entire time, never saying a word. He knew that Harry needed to get rid of some of his anger of sixteen years. Now it was time to talk.
"Do you feel somewhat relieved now?"
"Not as much as I hope to feel after Voldemort is gone, but yes, I do feel better. I just wish that Ron and Hermione would quit asking me questions. I know that they worry, but can they not respect my decision to keep this from them. It's not as if they're the only ones out of the loop. You and I are the only people who know that prophecy in its entirety. I just want to keep them as safe as possible."
Any amusement that Dumbledore had felt quickly vanished at the sight of Harry's head hung low in thought and worry. He knew that Harry put on a strong façade to the rest of the house. He did not want to the other members of the household to think him weak, especially since they all treated him with kid's gloves anyway. Even Ron, Hermione, and Ginny seemed to make the young wizard feel like a fragile porcelain doll. This room was the only place that Harry seemed to lose the mask of strength and certainty. Dumbledore knew that Harry was strong, and did not treat Harry as a small child because of it. He also knew that was probably the only reason that Harry allowed himself to be weak and uncertain in the headmaster's presence.
At last, after many silent minutes, Dumbledore spoke. "I know that you want to keep them safe, but they do need to know about the prophecy. Maybe it's time that you let them know about it."
He could feel the tension in the room build at an alarming rate after he said this, but he had also expected that. Harry was adamant that he did not want anyone else to know, and he had some very convincing arguments as support for his position.
"You know very well what I think about telling them, professor. It would only make them more protective of me. This would entail to them ultimately putting themselves in useless danger. Not to mention how utterly horrified they'd all be at the prospect of it. Then there's always the fact that Voldemort only knows part of the prophecy and would do anything to get it and to get at me. He could kill two birds with one stone if he found out that they all knew what that orb had said. He would get them, get the prophecy, get me, and get the added pleasure of forcing me to watch as he killed them all. I'm sorry professor, but I am sticking to my decision. I can't do that to them."
After watching Harry demolish the mannequins, and seeing that the young man still held his wand, Dumbledore sighed in defeat. Time to get on with the lesson, he thought. Without giving Harry warning, the professor quietly said the incantation only to find that Harry's mind was sufficiently blocked, and no matter how hard he tried, he could not get past the wall that Harry had set up. Stunned, Dumbledore ended the spell to look up and find Harry Potter grinning like an opossum. "I'm impressed Harry. How did you know that I was going to attack?"
Harry sat, looked the headmaster directly in the eye, whispered something, and suddenly Dumbledore heard Harry's voice in his mind. "Well for one, I have been keeping the block up at all times – just in case, you know. Two, I entered your mind undetected while you were feigning resignation just now and heard you think that you would surprise me. So, I got ready."
Dumbledore looked up in astonishment. Not only had Harry blocked him from his mind, but also he had entered Dumbledore's mind twice – once undetected and once with Dumbledore's knowledge. "Harry, how did you do that? The last time we met, you had just only come close to breaking me, and now you can do it without detection? Did you even say the incantation?"
This time Harry spoke. "Hang on. One question at a time. First off, I did that because you have been teaching me how – or did you forget?" There was a chuckle from the younger wizard when he said this.
"For your second question: I've been practicing. I've entered about everyone's mind. I don't stay long, though. I just enter and leave. I don't want to invade anyone's privacy. As a matter of fact, the other day just after the last Order meeting, I got into Professor Snape's head. I think that he may have noticed something, though. Did you know that Remus is an occlumens? Not too bad of one either. He may have noticed me too, but I'm not sure. And as far as saying the incantation, yes I do say it. Well, I suppose that whisper would be more of an appropriate description, but, nevertheless, I can't do it silently. At least not yet."
Deciding that the lesson was rather useless, Dumbledore sent Harry on his way. He told him to come back in two days, though, because it was time to start preparing for battle. Harry merely nodded, knowing what his professor meant, and headed to the door. However, when he reached the door, he turned around. "Professor?"
Dumbledore inclined his head. "Yes, Harry?"
Harry looked at him with a small grin turning the corners of his mouth up. "I just wanted to say that I trust you. I know that you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt me or anyone else for that matter. I'm sorry that quit in the first place. Can you forgive my idiocy?"
The older wizard's eyes were glistening from both tears and the customary twinkle. He gazed at the youth before him. Harry had a look of apprehension on his face now, instead of the smile. Dumbledore was once again amazed by how much Harry was able to deal with, and yet still find a reason to make himself be the one in the wrong. "Harry, there is nothing to forgive. You had every right to demand that your trust be earned. I'm sorry for my foolishness. Thank you for the second chance, Harry. I have no intentions of mucking it up this time. Now, why don't we go eat?"
Together the two wizards left the training room without another word.
A/N: This is one of my favorite chapters in this story. I hoped that you liked it as well. There are only two chapters left after this one, and they should be out tomorrow. Take care everyone. Please R/R. ; )
