Disclaimer: I, nor owns Full Metal alchemist or any other anime/book/movie/etc.

A/N: I have seen the entire FMA series, but I still wish to right and AU along these lines as I thought it would be amusing...sorry for OOC-ness and for bringing the dead back...Like Maes and Ed...0-o (see the end of the series)

Chapter 1: The Mission From Hell...Or from a Certain Colonel...

"I will not!" Screamed Edward looking about ready to punch the laughing Colonel, who he has so nicely nicknamed Colonel Basterd.

"I assure you, you will." Said Mustang calmly steapling his fingers in front of his face and trying to hide a smirk but failing miserably much to Ed's annoyance, which he loved.

"Go to High School?" Asked Ed, "One, I don't need it, two, I don't care what is going on, I will not hang out with those little idiots just to drag out kids imitating Homunclui. It doesn't;t matter to me!" He yelled raising his fist and looking as if he wanted nothing better than to bring it down into mustangs smug face.

"Well I suppose you could be a body guard to Hughes...and his pictures." Said Mustang trailing off, he knew he had won.

"You wouldn't!" Ed Screeched in fear, "thats un-human!"

"I could, and I would, of you don't go on this importantmission," Said Mustang looking amused. "Who know you might get to see the Fuherher, he is making public appearances at the schools, and you might plead your case to him." He said his smirk stretching ear-to-ear.

"I can't stand that basterd!" yelled Ed to his brother, Al, "And he says you can't come, he thinks that you'd stick out for some reason..." He said trailing off looking at the huge form of his brother.

Al wasn't even paying attention, he was making cooing noises to his new cat, number 192, this one he might even get to keep until Ed came back. "Uh, What brother?" Asked Al looking up.

"You weren't even paying attention?" Ed yelled indignantly hitting Al in the back of the head and succeeding in only hurting his hand.

"Sorry brother," Al apologized, "But He's so cute!" He held up the cat.

"Get rid of it!" yelled Ed, "you know we can't take care for that...that...thing..I mean cat" He yelled furiously.

"But I'm gonna be staying in Central while your on this mission which as you already said is 180 days long...possibly more..." he said sniffing as tears rolled our of his empty, eye socket with red pupils...

Ed still hadn't figured out how he could produce the water for crying but now wasn't;t the time to wonder. "Fine, but I have to leave in 2 days so keep in out of my way or else." He said making a cutting gesture along his throat.

"You wouldn't brother!" Cried Al crushing the cat against his metal chest as he began to cry again. Ed banged his head against the nearest wall.

Ed had been asked to report to the amour y before leaving, but he wouldn't;t have if he had known about the crazy guy they had working down here. "Oh, yes Major Elric, I have something I think you'll love!" He pulled out what looked like a condom.

"Er...What is that?" Asked Ed pointing to it.

"It's my newest invention, with kids and how often the do "it" theses days, I thought I should have something that can blend in easily for agents in the field but you would know all about kids and "it" these days wouldn't you?" He said with a lewd grin.

Ed growled and snatched it from him, "now what the hell does it do?" asked ed as it snapped and hit him in the nose.

"Why It is super strength rope, for climbing or trying people up, you see you tear here and it unravels allowing it to be used, rather cleaver if I do say so myself and I do." He said happily. "Oh and over here are some more of my gadgets!" He said picking up something that looked like a sandal.

"Now what is that?" Ed asked.

"A sandal." said the man looking at Ed as if he was stupid.

Ed walked out.

Two days later, right before leaving:

Ed ran down the hallway of the General Headquarters, bumping into people and inanimate objects alike. He was finally stopped when Hawkeye stepped out in front of him and didn't move. Ed skidded to a halt.

"Don't open it until you're underway." She said passing him a medium sized box and then continuing on her way as if nothing had happened.

"Wha's this?" Said Ed dazzled by Hawkeyes generosity. She continued on ignoring him.

Mustang then walked out of his office. "What are you still doing here?" He asked smugly "Your trains leaving in 5 minutes." He noted calmly as he looked at his watch."Maybe you need a little encouragement?" He put his fingers into snapping position, Ed was already halfway down the hall.

The baggage boy pointed down the track at a fading cloud of black smoke. Ed took off running after the train, which he had missed, having got lost on the way to the station and having to make a door in quit a few walls. Much to the displeasure of the inhabitants.

Ed had finally caught up with the train at the 3rd stop having hired a car to drive him, ironicly the 3rd stop was the stop he was supposed to get out at. The school and his hotel, being less than a mile away. He checked into the hotel with a minimal amount of difficulty(The receptionist not believing he was really 16 and a National/ State Alchemist, she thought he should have his parents with him, flashing his watch had taken care of that.).

(A/N I say National/State as ppl have reported to me that there fan subs change back and forth and I use both so as not to be confusing)

He went up to his room, he had been tempted to go straight to sleep but decided to see what was in the package first. He opened it and groaned, he hadn't;t thought of this, he would have to change how he dressed to fit in. It contained what was considered stylish which were some rather stupid looking cloths but sorting though he found at the bottom a Colt 1911 .45 automatic (It's really semi-auto but they are called auto pistols) and a note. In the not there were instructions for shooting the pistole why he should take one and a P.S from Hughes containing a picture of Eleasia and a story about how cute she is...Ed groaned this was going to be a long mission...

Well I'm posting this Saturday June 18 at 11:30 AM If I get some response I'll update tonight or tomorrow.And I'm sorry for any OOC and that kind of stuff...Any ideas plz tell...Also this will be taking place in an AU after the Greed deal and stuff... Also Roy/Riza, Ed/Winry...Al? no one? Any ideas plz tell!