A/N: And it's that time again…time for the next chappie! And there's some Frodo (and possibly Sam) OOC, but it's funny that way.

Chapter 4: At the Sign of Rex Kwon Do

After having washed all the tater tot casserole from out of his hair (it actually took him fifteen rounds of singing the bath song), Frodo and Sam were stopped on their way to the kitchen by Uncle Rico. "Hey, you two," he said, "since you're going to hang around here anyway, you might as well come watch my tape and tell me what you think of it."

"Watch your what?" said Frodo. "What is a 'tape'? And why should we desire to watch it, may I ask?"

"Didn't I tell you to stop it with the hobbit thing? Anyway, just come watch, I guarantee you'll like it."

"This is the strangest thing I believe we've ever seen, right Sam?" said Frodo, trying to make out what it was the figure on the screen was trying to do exactly. "I've seen better performances at The Green Dragon."

"And your little song at The Prancing Pony was quite entertaining as well, don't you forget that," said Sam.

Frodo nodded thoughtfully, flinching when he remembered how he'd fallen off the table on the last round of the song. No more singing and dancing on tables for you, Mr. Frodo.

"You sound just like Napoleon," Uncle Rico shot back. "How old are you two? Nine? Ten?"

"I'm fifty, and Sam just reached his thirtieth birthday or so awhile back," Frodo replied. "I hope to reach eleventy-one one day, just like dear old Bilbo."

" 'Or so?' Why, Mr. Frodo, have you forgotten how old your dear friend is already?"

"I'm guessing you both are around ten. You're both too young to understand this kind of thing." Then Uncle Rico leaned back on the sofa, remembering his glory days of football in 1982. "I would've taken state, I tell ya. No doubt in my mind, not at all."

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" asked Kip as he came into the room and sat down on the floor to strap on his rollerblades.

"Oh, nothin', just watching my football tape."

"Oh yeah, that one. It's a masterpiece, I tell you. Pure genius. Hey, who're the kids?"

"We're hobbits!" shrieked Frodo. "For the last time, we're hobbits!"

"Oh, right, the two kids who think they're from The Lord of the Rings that you told me about earlier."

"Begging your pardon, sir," said Sam as politely as he could, "but we're not from the Lord of the Rings. He's a nasty person, sir, and I don't think anyone can be from him. We're from Hobbiton in the Shire, west of the Misty Mountains."

"I see what you mean, Uncle Rico," said Kip. "They are a little…a little, uh, strange, yes."

"Yeah," Uncle Rico answered. "So are you going to Rex's lessons or whatever now?"

"Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I am. And why don't you two come with me? I think…I think you could definitely benefit from learning some of his moves if you're going to pretend you're hobbits all the time. Never know when some big guy's gonna, uh, gonna beat you up for
something like that."


"Welcome to Rex Kwon Do once again," grunted Rex, still wearing those ridiculous American flag pants. Yeah, they're so...tough...looking. I'm sure if I wore pants like that, I'd never get beat up either. Right. "I see we have a couple of newcomers here today, but aren't you guys a bit young for this? I'm here to teach you how to fight like a lion and think like a man, but you two look like you're what, ten years old, eleven at the most?"

"For the last last time, we are not kids, we are hobbits and we aren't ten years old, we're full-grown hobbit-men!" Frodo said with restrained anger. You better watch it, Rex, you don't want to make hobbits angry! (And I don't think those pants of yours help too much...)

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Kids just get stranger and stranger these days. I'll tell you what, I'll let you stay, if you like, but I'm going to have to ask you to be a part of my demonstrations. And you know what? Today I was going to start on defense from double attack today, so you two will be perfect. Now get up here."

The two hobbits, not quite sure what this man was up to, obeyed, their curiosity getting the best of them. Perhaps they could teach this man a lesson, hm? They had run into Ringwraiths before and compared to them, this guy was…well, he wasn't as scary as a Ringwraith, that's for sure.

"Alright, now hit me, punks."

Sam and Frodo exchanged glances and nodded. Sam went for Rex's legs, hugging them as tightly as he could and Frodo leapt onto Rex's back and began pounding on his head with his fists.

"Ow! Ow! Stop it! Stop it! You were supposed to try and hit me, not attack me! Starla! Help me!"

Good thing Starla had come with Rex today or those hobbits would have had him pinned to the ground in no time, I tell ya.

Starla snatched Frodo from off of Rex's back and held him kicking and squirming under her arm. She then leaned over and grabbed Sam, putting him in a headlock. Man, those nasty, vicious hobbits! They're monsters aren't they? "I think you two have had enough today."

"Gosh, you guys," said Kip. "You think you could teach me some of those moves?"

Rex glared at him. "You think these two little wimps could beat me in an honest fight? Well, do ya?"

Kip shook his head.

"That's what I thought. Now as for you two," he Rex said, pointing his finger in Frodo's face. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave now."

Frodo opened his mouth and bit his finger.

"OW! What did you do that for?"

"Fine with us," said Frodo. "We don't much like you anyway."

"Starla, show them to the door."

Starla took the hobbits, one under each arm, and threw them out onto the street.

"Well, Mr. Frodo, that was a nice mess we got ourselves into…again," said Sam. "What do you suggest we do now?"

Frodo looked up at the sky and determined that it must have been past noon. Suddenly he felt very hungry. They'd missed second breakfast and elevenses earlier. "Let's go back to that house and find some food," he said and started down the street.

"Good idea, Mr. Frodo. I'm famished."

"And for future reference, fingers don't taste very good."

"Right, Mr. Frodo. I'll be sure to remember that."

A/N: I don't think that was quite as entertaining as the last one, but oh well, you can't be outrageously funny all the time. :P

But seriously, two hobbits attacking Rex? Man, I could just picture that in my head. Rex flailing his arms and screaming in girly terror as two cute little hobbits mercilessly assail him! Oh, yeah, that'd be a funny sight to see. Sigh. If only, if only.

Anyway, in the next chapter, we'll see if Bilbo finally figures out that his dear nephew isn't there. Probably not, but it's funny to watch…er…read anyway. Senile hobbit. Oh, that's such a great phrase, I'll say it again: senile hobbit. Ha ha…yeah…

Time for reviewer responses!

Auta Miqula Orqu: You don't have to wait any longer. Here's chappie 4! And I'll probably post the next one tomorrow. And I regret to say I don't know what your name means:( but here's what your penname would be if you did a nyranic insult: Wekh sôlfänn shirtúnën. (Nyranic is a language I invented for some books I'm working on).

Master Arkane: Yes, torturing Sam and Frodo in Idaho is much fun! And if you have any ideas that you want to see me do, just tell me and I'll see what I can do. (And this goes for everyone. :D)

crybabyfan1: Uhhhhhhhhhhh……….is it someone I know?

ArcticWolfe: Yes, it can get quite difficult trying to keep Frodo and Sam in character while trying to stay true to the Napoleon Dynamite movie. I do my best, though:D

homeschool girl: You're welcome and you can have more delicious bass whenever you want cuz I have like an infinity of them. And thank goodness Frodo got the tots out of his hair, huh?

Jaina Kenobi: Good to know I had you in stitches. Funny, I couldn't hear you and my door was open. But see, I'm so much more witty and eloquent in writing, don't you agree?

Nithke: Yes, this was a really random idea I came up with really late at night. Or when I was supposed to be paying attention in class. I can't remember. And you're right, maybe I should come up with some original lines for them. Got any ideas? I'd be happy to hear some!

Ness: Ness, like in Loch Ness? Lol. JK. Glad you like the story so far, although a couple of the ones in the N.D. section are entertaining, too.

Snodgrass Winkle: What a great name! It's hilarious! I'm delighted to see you like my story so far, too. And tell Pedro I thank him for offering me his protection.

Kathleen Stanton: I have sweet writing skills? Yesssss. I was going for that. No, seriously, I was! And I just updated! Gosh!

Jae: Wrong, maybe, but oh so funny! I bet you I have Tolkien turning over in his grave now…

BanbieBunny: I think I shall call you "BambieBunny" because, I dunno, I just saw a commercial for Bambie and remembered that one of his friends was a bunny. Meh. Anyway, don't worry, cuz you'll get to see more of Frodo and Sam trying to deal with Uncle Rico as well as with Kip and Deb and all the others. Like LaFawnduh. Oh, I just got an idea! Hehe…

iloveelves: Well, I love hobbits, but that's just me. And yes, Napoleon Dynamite is a stupid movie, but that's why I love it! Yay for stupid movies!