A/N: Finally, I'm updating this chapter. w00t! Sorry I can't update everyday like I started out doing. Got lots of stuff to do. Like next week. I've got three tests and a speech to do, so sadly, I shan't be posting many new chapters till all that's done. However, you should enjoy this one and any of the previous ones until I find the time to post the next ones!
Chapter 5: I'm Not a Hobbit! Flippin' Retard!
On the morning of the last day Napoleon was alone with Bilbo, and the old hobbit still didn't know that he wasn't Frodo. I mean seriously, this short old dude had no freaking clue. You'd think he'd be able to tell the difference between a tall, lanky blonde kid with glasses and a short little fifty year old hobbit, but no. Not so much.
"So like what do you want me in here for? I was going to draw a picture for Arwen. Gosh!" said Napoleon, taking a seat. Yes, cuz your drawings are fantastic. (Author rolls her eyes…And Jaina, you know I have every right in the world to say that about his drawings. As well as this: It burns our eyes! It burns us, precious! Please take the nasty, horrible drawing away from us!)
"Now don't get so worked up, Frodo my lad. I just asked you in here to give you something," replied Bilbo, taking out a worn leather scabbard with a sword out of a box.
Napoleon just stared for a minute. What a freaky old dude, this guy was. "You're some kind of freaky old dude," he said. "And my name's not Frodo. It's Napoleon. Idiot!"
"Oh, Frodo, stop playing games with me. You know you're too old to be playing games of make believe. And besides, what kind of name is 'Napoleon?' If I were to pretend to be someone I'm not, I'd pick a name like Minyadúlin or Banâtheke. Those are nice right names, yes."
"Those are probably the worst two names I've ever heard."
"At any rate," continued the poor senile hobbit as he pulled the sword from its scabbard. "This is Sting. Take it, if you like. I shan't want it again, I expect."
Napoleon took the sword and stared at it for a minute. Or at least, I think he was staring at it. Can't tell when it looks like he's half asleep all the time. "Gosh! This thing is like a knife! What the heck am I going to do with that? I'd rather have my freakin' 12-guage! I could take out an infinity of orcs with that! And I'm probably also one of the only people here that knows illegal government ninja moves."
"You're being silly, my lad," replied Bilbo. "Did I not just tell you to stop playing make believe? But if I suppose if that is what you really want to do, then by all means. I do think it a bit strange, though. And you got poor Sam in on it too. Now he thinks he's some boy named 'Pedro.'"
"That's because his name is Pedro! Friggin' idiot!"
"Well, I suppose if you two want to play that game, then go right ahead. It is a bit strange, though. At any rate, I have something else for you."
"I hope it's chapstick. I could really use some of that right now."
"No, I'm afraid I don't have any of that, whatever it is, but I do have something, something even better." Bilbo pulled out the mithrill shirt. "It's a pretty thing, isn't it?"
"Gross! That thing isn't pretty! It looks like a shirt my grandma would wear."
"You don't have a grandmother, my dear boy. She died many years ago. But this shirt shall protect you from all harm if you wear it. You can wear it under your shirt and no one would know! Now go on! Put it on!"
"No way! That thing will never fit me!"
"Oh, well, I suppose you don't have to put it on right now if you don't want to. But promise me you'll take it with you."
"Fine. Maybe I will! But only because I kinda feel sorry for you. You're so…senile."
Napoleon took both the shirt and the sword reluctantly. Bilbo smiled. "There you go, my lad! As long as you have those with you, no orc in Mordor could harm you!"
"Bilbo?" came a voice from somewhere and then Elrond appeared in the doorway. "Bilbo? Ah, there you are. Oh dear Elbereth, what are you doing in here?" By now, he had gotten a grand old migraine, but, being an Elf and all, he tried his best not to show it. However, with Napoleon and his strange companion around, he didn't know how much longer he could take it.
"He asked me to come here to give me some junk. What do you think!"
"I think I should be quite glad to see you go, although I doubt you shall ever return, that is what I think," Elrond snapped. "Now come, for I must give the Fellowship more counsel before you set off."
"Ugh! Not more talking! Don't you guys ever do anything besides talking and singing? Gosh!"
No, Napoleon, unfortunately they don't. And you see, that's why they had to leave Middle-earth: not because their time had ended, but because everyone else had found them so exceedingly dull, beautiful and mysterious though they were, they were practically begging them to leave. Tolkien didn't explain it that way, though, because he didn't want to have to tarnish their reputation of perfection. So instead, he said they were leaving because the time of Man had come. Nice cover up. Yes, indeed.
And they shall be gone soon enough, but for now, you both better play nice because you'll be seeing a lot more of each other on the way to Mordor. By the Valar! I hope you don't torture Celeborn and Galadriel too much!
TBC…
A/N: Ah…another chapter done. And it's now 12:45 in the morning, but I'm a night owl, so I don't care. Anyways, I don't know quite what to do with the next chapter yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something sooner or later.
So. Reviewer Responses! The best part!
Jaina Kenobi: But I usually hear you even when your door is shut. Must've had my music up real loud or something. And now I think I have 50 points. Yessss!
Gods-girl2004: I like your penname. Very nice. Here's a smiley! (gives you a smiley face sticker). And thanks for reading my random story. Reviews are much appreciated!
ArcticWolfe: Lol. Yeah, it'd be really funny to see him being attacked by people that are only around three feet tall! Especially if they could learn some of those illegal government ninja moves Napoleon always talks about.
homeschool girl: But it would be really funny if he did dress like Peter Pan. And I mean the real Peter Pan: the green tunic, tights, and everything. Mwa ha ha ha!
Jae: No, they didn't mess up his pants, but they tried. Oh well, maybe next time. Hehe. And if Tolkien could read this, he'd probably be really really angry and then I'd just say, "Oh, come on, you know you think it's funny. Admit it." And he would just glare at me and then I'd run away really fast.
Auta Miqula Orqu: "Go kiss an orc." Love it. Mine isn't quite so much an insult to us, we being humans, but to a nyran, especially Gélidir (one of my main characters), it's a high offense. It means roughly: What a tortured soul! A better one would be Teth inlathkh ngi tunenn, koltkh fintess, which translates into "You're an ugly, slow-witted git."
crybabyfan1: Johnny Depp! Aw, I shoulda known that! I just made a wallpaper of him as Jack Sparrow a couple of days ago and he's one of my favorite actors too.
A/N: Well, that's all for now, I suppose. Tune in next week, same Bat time, same Bat channel. Or not. I don't know when I'll be updating next, actually. So I guess we will see. Maybe tomorrow or the next day, or the next day, or…whenever I find the time.
Dang tests! Curse you! Curse you all! Because I actually have to pay attention instead of coming up with these silly random stories. Oh well, there's always the weekend and, oh! Spring break in a couple of weeks! How can I torture the peoples of Middle-earth. Oh, let me count the ways…
(btw, I came up with a really good idea for the part when the Fellowship is attacked by orcs at Amon Hen. But for now it's a secret, so you'll have to wait till we get there before you can read it!)
