A/N: Alrighty, here it is, the next chapter! Sorry that took me so long. What's it been, like, over a week since the last time I updated? Sorry about that, but I was on (in Teen Girl Squad voice) SPRING BREAK! Anyway, now for Chapter 8.
Chapter 8: Pedro Offers You His ProtectionSo at one point in the story, Gandalf and Aragorn are debating over where they should go: the mountain pass or Moria. Of course, nobody else heard anything of this until the winter started becoming harsher and Gandalf said, "What do you think of your course now, Aragorn?"
Napoleon, walking not far behind, wearing all nine sombreros that Pedro had brought, heard what the two were saying. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….." he sighed dejectedly. "Don't tell me we're going to the Redhorn Gate."
Startled—more at the fact that someone could sigh for such a long length of time than that Napoleon had spoken—Aragorn whirled round and said, "Well, yes, that is exactly where we are going."
"Can't we go some other way? Gosh!"
"Yeah," Pedro put in. "Like the Gap of Rohan or something."
"No," said Gandalf. "As Aragorn was about to tell me, the Gap of Rohan is a dangerous route. Who knows whether the Horse-lords are for us or for Saruman?"
"Haven't you read the book? Idiot! The guys from Rohan are, like, for us. 'Cept that Théoden is under some sort of spell."
"I do remember that part, yes," said Merry.
"Yes," said Gandalf, "I do indeed remember that part."
"So you would then remember that we end up going through Moria," stated Gimli hopefully. The little dude really, really wanted to go visit his cousin. He had skipped over the part, though, when they found out that Moria had been taken. That's what you get for not sticking through it the whole way, duh.
"Yes," sighed Gandalf, starting to go out of character a bit as all characters are wont to do in these silly fanfics. "I do not much like those mines, though, and I'd rather us go to the Redhorn Gate."
"The Mines of Moria it is, then!" Gimli cried. "Let us go!"
Far away standing on top of the tower of Orthanc was Saruman. He searched the mountain of Caradhras with his mind for the Nine, but did not see them there. He quickly pulled out a copy of The Fellowship of the Ring from somewhere in his robes and skimmed through Chapter III of the second book. He found the part where he gets to send a nasty snowstorm that buries the Fellowship in an avalanche. "Heh," he said to himself, also going out of character. Dang it! Stay in character, will you? "I like that part. It makes me feel all powerful. But according to this, they should be here by now? Where in Middle-earth did they go off to?"
He skimmed a bit ahead and found his answer. "Ah, yes, they go to Moria when they can't go any further upon the mountain. But why are they skipping that part? Who decided to skip a good few pages of the book?"
Who indeed? 'Twas the evil workings of a guy from Idaho, yes it was.
"Well, drat it all, then," Saruman muttered to himself and sat down sulking.
So now. Skipping some stuff because if I don't then this will be way way too long, we find ourselves following the Fellowship into the mines right before the Watcher in the lake sneaks up on them.
"How did you know the password?" Gandalf asked Napoleon.
"Ugh! I already told you, I read the book!"
"Oh, right, I forgot."
Then: from out of the water, a long sinuous tentacle crawled. Then suddenly, it stopped as if in horror. Below the waters, the Watcher saw a strange figure wearing nine sombreros and quickly swam away. Whosoever could wear that many pointed hats—in so many colors, too—had to be a powerful Maia of some sort indeed.
Then there's some more stuff about wandering through the dark, how Gandalf never told Bilbo that the mithril shirt was worth a whole lot, and how the hobbits wanted a smoke because they haven't tasted it in so long. Finally, we come to the part where they enter Balin's tomb and Gimli discovers that all the dwarves that had been living in Moria were now dead. It made him very sad and then Aragorn scolded him for not reading the whole book.
Gimli was very very sad.
Then some pages later, Gandalf finds the book, the one that the dwarves had been writing in before their mines got taken. After he had finished, the Company heard the sounds of a drumbeat, as if from a war drum.
"They are coming!" said Legolas, always good at being Captain Obvious.
"We cannot get out," said Gimli, always good at being…uh…Gimli.
"Don't worry," Napoleon said. "Pedro offers you his protection."
Pedro nodded halfheartedly.
"I had feared as much," said Boromir.
Moments later, after the whole bit with the glowing sword, the doors opened and the orcs came spilling in, along with their lovely cave troll.
Napoleon jumped up onto the top of Balin's tomb, his back facing the enemy. "Oh what in the name of the Brandywine does he think he's doing?" Pippin wondered, trying not to be afraid.
Then, from out of nowhere some music started—not the kind of music that is usually played in Middle-earth and not even Pedro's mariachi band music, but good ol' fashioned eighties dance music.
The orcs and the troll stopped suddenly, fearing that this was some new, strange, and powerful sorcery.
Then Naploleon started dancing. He moon walked, he kinda discoed, he made up some new moves along the way.
The orcs and their pet just stared at him and then got the bright idea to run away before he finished his dance of death. Which of them wanted to stay behind and find out what happened after he was through? None of them, obviously.
Then the music suddenly stopped and Napoleon was left there, dancing to the music in his head.
"Should we tell him he can stop now?" wondered Pippin.
"Let's just leave him, that's what I say," said Boromir.
But just as he started to leave, Napoleon stopped and jumped down from the slap atop the tomb.
"Hey, Pedro, I told you it would work," he said.
"Yeah," muttered Pedro. "It worked really well."
Boromir, and many of the others, stood there and gaped. What new things would this strange kid from Idaho think of next?
A/N: Yes! Another one done! And now for my flavorite part. That's right, you guessed it, Reader Responses!
crybabyfan1: Oh! I so know this one cuz I've seen that movie, like, an infinity amount of times. It's Winona Ryder!
jae: Yes, I am crazy. It is why I write this fic. And that's a wonderful idea! I'll have to figure out how to do that. Hehe, building a cake for Aragorn. Yes, it's genius!
Countess Jackman: Ah, gracias, mon ami. Yay! Random Spanish and French! I'll call it "Franish" or "Spanch" or…"Squog" because that's a funny word.
KaliedescopeCat: It doesn't work? Oh well. Hee hee. I just had a vision of Frodo getting beaned in the head with a steak…
Jaina Kenobi: But that's still not any excuse not to be the first to review! J/K! That's awesome! So are ya going to get to meet him soon?
Master Akane: Heh, yeah. I like the idea of him wearing a hot pink one with all the gold threading on it. He could be "Gandalf the Hot Pink."
ArcticWolfe: Well, I'm sorry the troll didn't join in with Napoleon on the dancing, but I think he was too intimidated. When he saw Napoleon's sweet moves, he knew there was no way he could possibly beat that.
blackrosemystic: Yessss! I love making people fall out of their chairs in mirth! Wha ha ha ha! And thank you for the you-go dance:does a you-go-do-that-you-go-dance dance:
Mystical Full Moon Maiden: Oh, you changed your name! I like! Yes, I could just see the Eye winking out and the tower of Barad-dûr crashing down just because it couldn't take it any more.
Trisher Nicole: Wow! You sound like a really hyper person! Why is it funny? I dunno, cuz it is…I guess.
Lady Rumbottom: Napoleon Dynamite is both stupid and ingenious: it's so stupid that it's ingenious. That's why I love it. Just like Monty Python. And don't worship me, worship the One whom I serve. You can still tell me how awesome you think this fic is, though!
The Hobbit Lass: Wow, my fic must be pages from the first one and you still found it. I'm astonished. And you found it today, nonetheless, right before I posted this new chapter. Now I'm really astonished.
writerauthorguy: Geez, you and Hobbit Lass posted those reviews right when I was posting this new chapter. Anymore of that and I'm probably going to miss some people and then they will be sad that I didn't reply to them. So if I don't continue, what're you going to do? Oh dear. Not the monkeys! Please, not the monkeys!
Alrighty, then. The next chapter will feature once again Frodo and Sam in Idaho. Right now I have great image of them trying to shoot at cows with a rifle. Old, sick and dying cows, I mean, not perfectly good ones because that wouldn't be very nice, now would it?
