A/N: Okay, I've still got tons of reviewer ideas to get through, but I will get through them all eventually. Most of them are for the Napoleon and Pedro chapters, so many of the Frodo and Sam chapters will be my own ideas. Except for this one. This next chapter was inspired by two people, actually: homeschool girl and Earendil Eldar. They both asked the question: do the chickens have large talons? Frodo and Sam are about to find out. Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Chapter 11: Ready for Some Chicken Wranglin'? Yeehaw!
"What should we do now, Mr. Frodo?"
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know…"
And the two hobbits continued on doing this for three hours. It was the only way they could entertain themselves. Hey, there's not much for a hobbit to do in Napoleon's place now is there? They can't very well go down to the Green Dragon to share a few ales and sing a few songs, now can they? They tried going to the local bar earlier, but the bouncer threw them out, outraged that two kids were seriously trying to get into a bar.
"…do you want to do?"
Still going at it, eh? They must be bored. But wait! What's that I hear? Why, it's old Farmer Joe comin' down the road. Now say it with me, everyone: "Hi, Farmer Joe!"
Farmer Joe smiles back and waves. The author slaps herself for switching tenses in the middle of the story. Ow.
Frodo and Sam sat up. "Tom Bombadil?" they both wondered. Then Frodo muttered as an aside, "Oh dear, I should hope not. That man and his songs scared me. I think I found the barrow-wight to be better company."
Yeah. Ol' Bombadil scared me somewhat too. What a strange person he was. He even ransacked Lassie's house, right Jaina? (Mystery Science Theater reference for any of you who are wondering).
"Tom who?" said Farmer Joe.
"Bombadil," said Frodo. "Do you know him?"
" 'fraid not, son. My name's Farmer Joe."
Yep. That's his real name, folks. Not just "Joe," Farmer Joe.
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Farmer Joe," said Sam. What is this penchant he has for calling everyone Mr.? Does he do that to women too? "Good evening, Mr. Galadriel." Oh, she'd slap him for that one.
"Pleased to meet you, too, lad. Now what's your name?"
"I am Samwise Gamgee and this is Mr. Frodo Baggins."
"Nice to meet the both of you. Now I was wonderin'…I need some help with my chickens. Would you like to help me?"
Frodo sighed. "We've already helped another man today. We did not do such a good job and I should think that we would not be much help to you."
Suddenly, Farmer Joe's bright and cheery face contorted into a face of…of…evil meanness. "Tough, son. You're going to come with me and help, whether you want to or not," growled Farmer Joe, randomly being really evil. Never trust a man with an innocent name like his. You never know what they're going to do. They could make you go wrangle chickens for them. Shudder.
Farmer Meanie Head grabbed Frodo and Sam by the arms, hogtied them—because he felt like it, and dragged them all the way back to his farm.
"You ready to wrangle some chickens?" asked Farmer Joe, glaring at the two hogtied hobbits.
"Do we have any other choice?" said Frodo.
"Nope. Okay, so what I need y'all to do is…see those chickens in there?"
The two hobbits looked inside the coop and nodded.
"I need you to catch 'em all, and put them back in their cages. Got that?"
"Yessir," the hobbits mumbled.
"Alright then. Here we go."
Farmer Joe leaned over and untied the hobbits and threw them into the coop by their breeches, shutting and locking the door behind him.
"Another fine pickle we've landed ourselves in Mr. Frodo."
Well, here in Napoleon's world, you're bound to land yourselves in a lot of fine, juicy, crunchy, and savory pickles, but I think you would have found the pickle you would have been in back home would have been much more unpleasant. Ignorance is bliss, though, right? Maybe not. Oh well.
"Indeed, Sam. Let's just get to work, I suppose."
Frodo walked up to the first chicken and reached out to grab it, but it immediately started clucking wildly at him and flapping its wings in his face. Seems like chickens aren't too fond of hobbits. This should get interesting.
"Come here, you accursed bird," Frodo snarled, trying desperately to grab the wild beast.
The chicken just totally flipped out on him and started attacking him with its—you guessed it—very large talons. You didn't know that chickens even had talons, now did you? Neither did Frodo and he had to find out the hard way.
Frodo and the chicken thrashed about on the floor, both of them going at it, trying to go for the jugular. This was one vicious fight, I'm telling you. Sam stood off some distance and watched in horror. A chicken brushed past his leg and clucked non-threateningly. Sam shrieked, fearing that he'd end up in a tangle of talons, feathers, and hairy hobbit feet, just like his master. He started to run the other way, but ran into another chicken, then another and another. "Mr. Frodo! The chickens are attacking!"
That might have been a legitimate warning, but the chickens were doing no such thing, save the one trying to peck at Frodo's face. The rest of them just walked about, bobbing their heads forward and back, being very stupid as they are wont to do. Sam ran about in a mad panic, nonetheless.
Finally, Frodo managed to get hold of the psychotic chicken, pinned down its wings and threw it into a cage. He slammed the door shut and locked it, breathing hard. His cute little hobbit clothes were all tore now and hung off him in tattered shreds. He had a wild look on his face and in his eyes. He was in psycho-Frodo mode now. Sam didn't think it was possible that his master could behave in such a way, but then again, he did not realize that this was a fanfic and that in such stories, the main characters are nearly always inclined to go wildly out of character at some point or other.
With a loud war cry, Frodo leaped into the midst of the chickens and started throwing them into their cages left and right. There was no way he was going to let them attack him with their large talons now.
Ten seconds later, because he's talented like that, Frodo had managed to get all the chickens into a cage.
Sam stared at him with his jaw to the floor. He couldn't find any words. In fact, he was a bit frightened of his master now.
Then not-as-nice-as-his-name-suggests Farmer Joe came in. "Have you boys—I'll be darned. I didn't think ya'd be able to do it."
"Well, it seems we have accomplished the task that we had come here for, so I daresay we shall be leaving now," said Frodo, going back to his usual self—to the relief of Sam, who was afraid for a moment that his friend had lost it. That would have been traumatic for him, wouldn't it?
"Um…well, alright then, I suppose," replied Farmer Joe.
The two hobbits walked out of the coop and went on their way once more, leaving Farmer Joe completely dumbstruck.
TBC…
A/N: Hope you all liked that one. Next chapter, we will be seeing Napoleon and Pedro in Lothlórien and let me tell you, they're going to have a field day with the elves. :evil laugh:
Master Akane: I had no idea you liked Pippin so much. In that case, I think I might put some more of him in the story. I was kinda neglecting him, wasn't I? Bad me!
Jaina: Aww…you weren't the first to review that time. No points for you. :sad face: Maybe next time, eh?
fiji-mermaid: I like your penname. It's awesome. I don't know what it is with college students and Napoleon Dynamite, but he does seem popular amongst us. In fact, the guys floor below mine has Napoleon Dynamite as their theme in their hall.
KaliedescopeCat: I know, isn't it? Ha ha, I could just imagine what Tolkien would do if he read that…
crybabyfan1: I like randomly inserting random people into my fics, and when it's a parody fic like this one, I can get as weird as I want. It's fun like that.
Starsinmypocket: Still babbling insanely, eh? I bet that's caused lots of confusion when you try to talk to people. I hope you're still laughing at random intervals after this chappie, too.
The Hobbit Lass: Yes, dear Leggie is somewhat of a pansy isn't he? I mean, look at him! He wears tights for crying out loud! (Legolas: They're not tights, they're leggings. We've been over this. Me: Yeah, sure…whatever you say, Legolas…:whispers: They're tights. Legolas: I heard that!)
Reggie Tuesday: I KNOW! The horror of those people who only saw the movies. They make me angry! They don't know what they're missing by not having read the books!
jae: Yep. I mean, everyone knows that Gandalf protected Nessie. Therefore, he can probably do whatever he wants, right?
