Ch4: A Nice Footrace

The scene opens to see a crazy guy previously named as Noah beating the crap out of two guys with a metal pole. The crowd doesn't seem too perturbed; they are standing around the brawl cheering the three of them on. One of them even went so far as to open up a betting table about five feet away. There is a small line that is betting on Noah or Guys 2 or 3, and one crazy guy sitting at the corner of the stalls looking up at the sky.

Woman 1: What'cha looking for?

Sky Guy: Flying saucers.

Woman 1: Flying Saucers?

Sky Guy: Green ones!

Woman 1: Okay. Isn't it about time you be getting home sir?

Sky Guy: I'm trying to baby, I'm trying to...

Douglas Adams: Stop stealing my material!

Sky Guy: I have a question.

Douglas Adams: Yes?

Sky Guy: Why do my hands smell like cabbage...?

The scene suddenly reverts back to Noah, Guy 2 and Guy 3 beating the crap out of each other. The blind chick mentioned earlier, whose name I have now remembered, walks up.

Ivy: Stop your fussing right this moment.

Noah looks up and swishes his hair out of his face. Guy 2 and Guy 3 break out into a chorus of "O Canada" and are thus instantly sucked into a plothole.

Noah: (distantly) Erm... Yes?

The scene shows Noah and Ivy standing a doorway of a cottage called the Quiet Room.

Ivy: The elders have ordered me to put you into the quiet room.

Noah: (smacks forehead with two fingers for some reason. Silly Noah.) No hitting... right... no hitting...

Ivy: How about we strike a deal. If you promise to never hit anyone again, I will not put you in the quiet room. No hitting!

Noah: No hitting!

Ivy: No hitting!

Noah: No hitting!

Ivy: No hitting!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: No hitting!

Gabriel Van Helsing: No hitting!

Achilles: No hitting!

Lord Voldemort: No hitting!

Elektra: No hitting!

Yoda: Hitting no!

Detective Spooner: No hitting!

The Pianist: No hitting!

Noah: Hey wait! You're me!

The Pianist: Crap... (disappears in a puff of logic)

Ivy: What say to a nice footrace?

Noah: Yes!

Ivy: Across the valley to the resting rock?

Noah: And no cheating.
Ivy: (gasps) What a deeply scandalous thing to say. Is that a winged monkey?

Ivy runs off for resting rock while Noah is staring dumbly in the other direction for a winged monkey. He then realizes that he has been tricked and runs after Ivy. They both reach resting rock at about the same time. Lucius was sitting there with a small morsel of sponge cake in saran wrap. He was furiously trying to get the saran wrap off, so much of it was totally demolished.

Lucius: Wanna piece?

Noah then ran away wildly waving his arms in the air. He returned shortly with a small hedgehog. He then tapped Ivy on the shoulder and promptly chucked the hedgehog into Ivy's face, sending needles into her face and causing much blood to splurt everywhere.

M. Night Shyamalan: CUT!

The scene restarts. Noah skulked away calmly and soberly. He returned shortly with a small frog. He then tapped Ivy on the shoulder. Her face was covered in small white band-aids, and she had a small look of freakish terror on her face when she looked at him.

Ivy: Yes, Noah?

Noah: I've got a present!

Ivy: (holding out her hands) Yes, Noah?

Noah dropped the frog into her hands. She let out a little yelp, and dropped it.

Frog: Freedom!

Noah then produced a small bundle of red berries from his pocket and placed them into Ivy's hands.

Ivy: Ooh. Berries. Thank you, Noah.

Lucius: Be cautious, you are holding the bad color.

Ivy: WTF OMG Nuuuuu! The bad color must not be seen!

Lucius: You don't need to worry about that, you're blind.

Ivy: What? That was a very mean thing to say, coming from a person with ADD.

Lucius: I do NOT have a problem! Just because I sometimes- (walks away)

Ivy: Where did you get these?

Noah simply pointed wildly over his shoulder and walked away. He accidentally stepped on a squirrel. Poor squirrel. Scene fades.