'Sup fools? The name's Marshie. That's capital "M" and then "arshie." I'm going this way!
Sorry, been watching too many things on homestarrunner. So anyway, on to the next chapter.
Chapter 18: Spontaneous Human Combustion
Aragorn led the Company to the right arm of the river. As opposed to the left leg. Yeah, I know. You all saw that coming.
Anyway, then there's some pages where Tolkien takes awhile describing stuff…as usual. Then we get back to the more interesting stuff. At this point in the story, all the Fellowship, save Napoleon and Pedro, were quite annoyed. Gimli had murderous thoughts involving his axe and the two idiots' skulls. Bad Gimli! Bad! That's not very nice at all! Now go sit in the corner!
Okay, so anywho, Aragorn was just trying as best as he could to ignore them while Merry, Pippin, and Legolas were being driven near to the point of insanity what with all the remarks Napoleon kept making. You know, the usual "Friggin' idiots!" "Gosh!" and "You guys are so retarded!"
As for Boromir, well, he was completely red in the face now with irritation and anger. I think by now, that became the permanent color of his face. And on top of that, he didn't really want the Ring anymore. Trying to talk Napoleon into giving it to him just wasn't worth his trouble, he thought. What was was trying to convince the bespectacled boy and his constantly bored friend (who still, by the way, hadn't smiled this whole trip).
The Fellowship decided to rest along the river before continuing on. And we all know what a mistake that was. But oh well…whatever. As the others talked with each other, trying their best to ignore Napoleon and Pedro, Napoleon decided to go for a little walk in the forest. Of course, he couldn't leave Pedro behind, so he dragged him along with. "I don't think they like us very much," said Napoleon. Gee whatever gave you that idea.
"Yeah," Pedro agreed—with Napoleon, not me. "Not very much. How can we get them to like us?"
"I don't know. Got any ideas?"
Of course he doesn't. That's why he asked you first. Duh.
"Maybe we could build them a cake."
"Good idea, Pedro," Napoleon said in that bored voice of his. I guess the boredom he experienced during the Council of Elrond hasn't worn off yet. "But where are we going to get the stuff to do that?"
Pedro shrugged and then the pair heard the rustling of leaves and pine needles further down the hill. It was Boromir and yes, his face is still red, thank you very much.
"I think he's mad," muttered Pedro. No, really?
Boromir strode right up to them and said, "Listen here, you—"
But he stopped. All of the sudden, Napoleon and Pedro vanished, leaving behind the Ring. It fell from the air where Napoleon had been holding it and it landed amongst the leaves. Boromir was confused—not that he hadn't been confused already. But there was the Ring right in front of him for the taking! He wasn't sure what exactly was going on, but he didn't care. He had the Ring, Napoleon and Pedro were finally gone, and that was all that mattered. He bent over to pick up the golden thing, when suddenly, Frodo appeared right in front of him. Seeing the Ring on the ground and the crazed look in Boromir's eyes (which, if Frodo had been there the whole time, he'd realize it as normal by now), he snatched it up and put the chain round his neck.
Boromir about had a heart attack. What in the world was going on? He wondered. Then that's when it happened. His mind had had enough and it exploded, and he suddenly caught on fire. Spontaneous human combustion! And that's what killed Boromir, not an Uruk-hai. This scared the heck out of Frodo, who quickly put on the Ring and ran away as fast as he could, not caring that he didn't know where the sam hill Sam was.
Down at the river bank, Sam suddenly popped into existence right beside Gimli. Gimli fell backwards in surprise. So did Legolas, who was about to sit right down next to the spot where he had appeared. Merry and Pippin blinked. Aragorn stood, a quizzical look on his face. "Where did you come from, Sam?" Shouldn't you be asking your parents that? Geez, Aragorn.
Sam looked as confused as everyone else, but tried to answer. "Me and Mr. Frodo, we found this time machine and used it to get back here."
"Oh, for the love of the Shire, don't start talking about time machines!" groaned Pippin. "That's what started the whole mess we're in right now!"
"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, but have any of you seen Mr. Frodo?"
Aragorn shook his head. Then in the distance, there came the screams of Boromir spontaneously combusting. "What say we go see what that was all about?" suggested Merry.
"Good idea," Aragorn agreed, picking up his sword and running up into the forest. And the rest is history. Sort of. Because, you know, Napoleon and Pedro kinda changed things somewhat. But I'll tell you one thing, when Aragorn and the others saw that Boromir had been burned to death rather than shot to death, they were…well, they were horrified and decided it best not to send his body down the river lest anyone with a weak constitution should see it and make pretty rainbow colors all over the ground. So instead, they just buried it. And then the story continued pretty much as Tolkien had intended it to, thank goodness.
But as for Napoleon and Pedro, they'd returned back to Idaho, safe and sound. Nobody seemed to have noticed that they'd ever gone anywhere and they seemed to have mysteriously forgotten about Frodo and Sam. Why? Nobody knows…
Napoleon and Pedro, however, did remember that they'd used the time machine and that they'd been to Middle-earth. Napoleon was very angry that they were no longer there. "What happened? Gosh! All the sudden we're back here again!"
"Yeah," Pedro muttered. Whether he was happy, disappointed, or whatever, I can't say because I just can't read this guy. He always looks bored!
"Well, I think we should go back," Napoleon said. But when he saw the time machine, it had somehow been completely destroyed. That was a convenient way to stop them from going back, huh? "Ugh! It's broke!"
Pedro looked at the exploded metal box that had once been the time machine. "Oh."
Then Uncle Rico walked in the room. "What did you do, Napoleon? Stick firecrackers in that thing? Why don't you clean this up and then go feed Tina. She's hungry."
"Uhhhhhhhhh……." Napoleon groaned.
Yep, everything was pretty much back to the way it should be. Well, sorta. Kip got so mad that the time machine had been broken that he did something really out of character: he actually slapped Napoleon hard enough to give him a bruise. I guess his training to be a cage fighter is really working, eh?
THE END
A/N: Yeah, I know. You're all sad now that it's come to an end. But hey, I can't keep writing it forever. I suppose I could, but then I'd have no life or something like that. So yeah…it's done…of course until Kip buys another time machine…
Then who knows what'll happen?
