Ch6: The Little Visit
The scene opens to show a large group of people in yellow robes whitewashing some graffiti off of the large assortment of posts that provide the border between Covington Wood and the village. One person accidentally trips and falls into his bucket. Poor little moron. Whitewash splashes everywhere, getting on everyone around.
Wicked Witch of the West: I'm melting! I'm mmeeelltiinng!
Whitewasher: Suck it up, wuss.
Lucius takes this distraction as a chance to play a prank on his friends. But then his ADD kicks in and he walks blindly into the woods. Looking around, he sees (cue annoyingly fast violin music) Berries of the Bad Color!
Lucius: WTF OMG Nuuu! picks the berries for some reason
Twigs and Dry Leaves: Snap crackle pop.
Lucius takes out his light saber and waves it around warningly, like Oobie DuBanubie. His ADD once again takes effect and he walks out of the woods. He forgot to turn off his light saber though. It lands on the ground and starts boring a hole into the Earth's crust. Little did Lucius know that it was to be this hole that Dr. Evil would use to drive his warhead into the Earth's core. Austin Powers would've had a lot less trouble if he'd just turned off his light saber. Oh well. Back to the story.
The scene changes to the evening. The usual stuff is happening. Idiots with their pants pulled down at the forest, kids playing in the field, armed robbery, etc. The scene now changes to show some tall dude standing in a foreboding tower at the edge of the forest. He is shivering, and muttering things to himself.
Tower Guy: (mumbling) The capital of Washington is Olympia. The capital of Oregon is Salem. The capital of California is Sacramento. The capital of Idaho is...
The hatch that leads up to the tower rattles. Tower guy stares at it, attempting to telepathetically communicate with it. It then politely knocks to the rhythm of Shave and a Haircut Two Bits. Tower guy stares at it with a pained expression of disgust and queasiness. He opens up the hatch slowly and looks down. Three things happened at that precise moment. Tower Guy saw a creature in a red cloak flipping him off, the orchestra plays a freakishly loud explosion of music, and M. Night Shyamalan had a little accident.
Tower Guy falls backward at approximately 42.7 mph and smacks into the bell. The bell rings. The scene changes to show everyone running for their bloody life.
PAUSE!
Note from the author: I am terribly sorry for any Brits who are reading this, because "bloody" might be considered a swear word. But I don't consider British cuss words as actual cuss words, so I'll carry on. By the way... BUGGER! Hahaha!
UNPAUSE!
We see the Walker family except for Mr. Walker (foreboding!) all huddling around a little hatch to the basement of their house, where the gremlins dwell. Not really. It's just a basement. Sorry. So anyway, they're all cramming themselves into this little hole. Ivy has issues, however. She is standing on the porch, holding her hand out with the door ajar.
Scene changes to show Lucius helping senior citizens get into their houses. No elders though. PLOTHOLE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TAKE THAT M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN!
At this point, the writer had a heart attack and died. The rest of the chapter will be finished by Captain Jack Sparrow.
Jack: But what if the man who did the waking bought a drink for the man who did the sleeping while the man who did the sleeping listens to a proposition by the man who did the waking?
M. Night Shyamalan:(brain fizzles) Please leave...
Jack: Nice hat. (runs away wildly waving his arms in that manner that only a crazy actor whose last name has two P's in it could do.)
Lucius: Bleargh! (hides on the side of the house while Michael Jackson does a live performance.)
Michael Jackson: Thriller!
M. Night Shyamalan: DIE! (shoots Michael Jackson)
The cast looks blankly at him.
M. Night Shyamalan: Well? Someone had to do it!
General murmurs of agreement. Now one of those-we-don't-talk-about-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce is against the house It has really long beige-ish claws, is wearing a red cloak, and has these freaky little quill thingies sticking of it's back. What is it, a freakin' porcupine?
Scene changes to show Kitty yelling at Ivy.
Kitty: IVY! CLOSE THE (Censored) DOOR!
Ivy holds her hands out at the door while one of those-we-don't-talk-about-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce runs up annoyingly slowly to the porch. The stupid camera angle doesn't show anything. But it's there. Oh yes. It's there. You just can't see it. Stupid. (suspenseful music)
Lucius runs up at Ivy and grabs her hand as the scene goes into bullettime.
Agent Smith: (in usual drawn out and incorrectly emphasized manner) Hello Mr. Anderson.
Viggo: What up, Elrond?
Agent Smith: I'm not Elrond. I am Agent Smith. In fact I hate Elrond. I did not want to be Elrond. His hair is too wispy and wraithlike.
Viggo: Whateva.
Agent Smith posesses Viggo as the ear killing shriek of twelve thousand fangirls screaming.
Hidalgogurl188: AAAAHHH!
xXxViggoxXxLuvrxXx: NOOO!
Aragorness: WHY?
Gimli: Finally.
All the fangirls stare at Gimli and then annihilate him by that weird power that cheerleaders possess. Poor Gimli.
M. Night Shyamalan: Let's get back to the story ppl!
Just to let you know, he was testing out his chat lingo skills. (scoffs) Moron.
Lucius runs up and grabs Ivy's hand and pulls her inside while melodramatically shutting the door. He then runs into the crazy little crawl space. Ethereal-ish music plays. Scene fades.
