Ch7: Weddings, Whispers, and Warnings
Scene shows Lucius walking through an eerie fog and up to Ivy's porch. STALKER! Ivy wakes up and suddenly bolts to the door. Through her sporadic movement, she slams into the door, causing its hinges to break the door to fall out of it's doorway in a rather ugly explosion of wood splinters. Ivy is laying face-down on the front porch now. Lucius is completely emotionless, and seems completely oblivious to the whole thing. Silly Lucius.
Lucius: How did you know I was here?
Ivy: I saw you.
Lucius: Wtf? You're blind!
Ivy: I can see people's "colors".
Abby: That's messed up.
M. Night Shyamalan: Get off the bloody set!
Elektra: She broke into my house. (chucks sais at Abby. Abby dodges then runs off the set.)
Ivy: Anyways, I can see people's colors.
Lucius: That was random.
Ivy: Quite. So when we are married will you dance with me?
Lucius: Why do you always say exactly what's on your mind?
Ivy: 'Cause I feel like it. Why can't you speak what's on yours?
Lucius: I dunno... (Cue wussy suck-up music) But do you know what it's like to go through life without being able to do what you want to? Sometimes we don't do things for fear of what others might think should we go and do them! But I'm umm... Gonna do something about it! I will say when we will be married. And when we are married I will tell you whether or not we will dance!
Ivy: (stares blankly)
Lucius: So... Yeah.
Ivy and Lucius suddenly lunge at each other to play a rippling game oftonsil hockey. Ivy unfortunately smacks right into Lucius' huge nose. (sorry Joaquin! Couldn't resist...) They try again, and this time they connect. Fortunately, the cameraman was hammered from last night when he was at the bar, so the camera waves up to a random spot and saves us the bore of a make out scene. Scene fades.
Scene changes to show Lucius walking up to a field of some crazy unknown crop that looks like grass that could take over the world. Ivy is swinging he cane around wildly.
Ivy: There's NO ESCAPE! (takes out an Uzi and annihilates entire crop. Phew, that's one world domination threat taken care of. She stares blankly at the barren field of dead-itude and sees nothing.) He must have gone inside. BLOODY CHEATER!
Lucius walks up to Ivy. Ivy notices him. Somehow. So much for being blind.
Ivy: I'm just playing with Noah. He must have gone inside. That's not allowed! He knows that.
Lucius: Whoop dee do.
They walk up to the front doorstep.
Ivy: Hey guess what! My sister has found love yet again. To Shirt Guy! Isn't that just PEACHY? You know, once they are married, I am free to love also...
Lucius: Wait a second. Are you hitting on me? What the fu- (his ADD kicks in just in time for me to keep this at a PG rating. He walks away.)
Ivy walks inside and you can see through the window in the broom closet- wait. Who has a window in the broom closet? Never mind. Anyway, you can see Noah standing there. Silly Noah.
Scene changes to show Lucius trying to pull up his boots and apparently having much trouble for some reason. Out of the blue, he calls his parental unit over.
Lucius: You know, Mr. Walker has feelings for you.
Ms. Hunt: What in the ruddy heck? Where did that come from?
Lucius: I know it.
Ms. Hunt: And how do you know this?
Lucius: He touches you too much.
FLASHBACK! Scene fades to a screen with a pink fluffy border. It is a small party. Ms. Hunt and Mr. Walker are shaking hands. This continues for about 12 minutes. 52 people in the audience fall asleep. They are still shaking hands, and there are bruises and blood blisters on Ms. Hunt's hands.
Ms. Hunt: Umm... Mr. Walker?
Mr. Walker: Yes?
Ms. Hunt: You can stop shaking my hand now.
Mr. Walker: Oh. Yes. Terribly sorry.
Mr. Walker walkers (writer snickers. Never gets old, that one) away, and he is still holding Ms. Hunt's hand. She is dragged along behind him, and she tries to stop. This results in Ms. Hunt's hand completely coming off at the wrist. Blood squirts and Mr. Walker is completely oblivious as to what's going on. He still has her hand in his. The doctor guy with the frog-like face runs over. Scene fades, along with the pink fluffy border. UNFLASHBACK!
Ms. Hunt: Oh. Yes. That's true. (runs away)
Lucius: Well in any case I gotta go help ol' Tower Guy at the watchtower.
Scene fades to show Lucius and Tower Guy on the tower. They are talking to each other.
Tower Guy: Thanks for coming Lucius. It's awfully cold up here.
Lucius: I noticed. (His ADD kicks in and he walks down off the tower and goes home.)
Scene changes to show the whole village gathered in a room just big enough to be considered a room but almost small enough to be considered a broom closet. In other words, kinda cramped. There are peeps dancing some crazy medieval dance. The party is celebrating the marriage of Kitty Walker and Shirt Guy, so they are standing in the middle of the room. Shirt Guy is wearing a crazy-looking crown that is made of leaves.
Julius Caesar: Gimme dat back.
Shirt Guy: Oh yes. Sorry for the inconvenience. (Hands him the silly looking branch-hat-thing)
Julius Caesar: Thank you very much, my good man. (rides away with a roman fanfare)
Scene zooms out to show more of the people dancing. Ms. Hunt is running frantically away from Mr. Walker, who has a deathgrip on her left arm. Scene shows Kitty and Shirt Guy again.
Shirt Guy: So, now you're officially "Kitty Guy", huh?
M. Night Shyamalan: (smacks forehead) bloody writers...
Eerie Scream From Nowhere: YYEEEEEEEEEEEE!
All of the people at the party are alarmed at the noise. They are all looking to see what caused it, when two crazy whippersnappers run in.
Crazy Whippersnapper #1: It's those-we-don't-talk-about-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce! They saw us playing!
Crazy Whippersnapper #2: They killed the livestock and ripped their fur back. Cripes!
Mr. Walker: (still has Ms. Hunt in a deathgrip) Oh. That's weird. Uh, go over there and Ivy'll tell you some funny stories. She'll get you smiling in no time.
Ivy: I will?
Mr. Walker: Yeah. (falls asleep)
C. W. #1: Okay, but they left marks on the doors.
C. W. #2: They want us to leave.
Mr. Walker: Nonsense.
Ms. Hunt: Will you let go of me now!
Mr. Walker: Oh. Sorry. (lets go of Ms. Hunt. She has red marks where his hands where. Ouch.)
All the people walk out of the gazebo thingy and look around to see dead piggies and sheepsies all over on the ground and hanging from doorframes. They all have their fur ripped back. Bloody mess, eh chaps? There are cans of red spray paint all over the place, too.
Random Onlooker: 'Oly moly...
Ms. Hunt, Mrs. Clack and Mr. Walker get in a little huddle. Mrs. Clack randomly picks off a couple of people with her blowgun and cackles insanely.
Ms. Hunt: The livestock are dead. There are marks on the door.
Mr. Walker: (rolls eyes) Oh yeah, thanks for that. I didn't notice. (scoffs)
Ms. Hunt: These marks are too high for any mad coyote to reach.
Mr. Walker: No, you idiot. Everybody knows it was someone in a sui--- (falls asleep and then gets tranquilized. Double whammy!)
A dart goes into the side of his neck, courtesy of Mrs. Clack. Just in the nick of time for him to not reveal the "plot". Scene fades.
