Ch8: Questions and Stab Wounds
Scene opens to show the council in their little freakish circular room thing. They are all interrogating a poor little work maid woman, who is cowering in the corner and sobbing uncontrollably into a green 50 polyester pillow.
Ms. Hunt: Where were you on the night of the 24th?
Interrogation Chick: (between sobs) I don't know...
Ms. Hunt: Do you not know or do you not WANT to know? ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Interrogation Chick: What question?
Ms. Hunt: The question you dare not answer!
Interrogation Chick: I don't know what happened to the livestock!
Mr. Walker: Okay you're done.
Interrogation Chick: Oh thank you! (gets up abruptly and drops the pillow. She heads for the door, but turns around halfway there.) Is it true?
Mr. Walker: What?
Interrogation Chick: Aboot Ivy Walker and Lucius Hunt?
Mr. Walker: (falls asleep)
Ms. Hunt: bugger... But yes, we were informed of their intentions early this morning.
Interrogation Chick: Okay. (heads for the saloon-type doors.)
Scene changes to show the side of the building. Interrogation Chick pushes the doors open, but they spring back closed and send her flying back into the council, killing one person. But that was okay, because he was planning to take over the world. Silly elder. But anyways, she gets up and tries again, with the same results. The doors sprung shut and sent her flying backwards, breaking a couple of tables. Mr. Walker is still asleep. This time she really makes a run for it, and she makes it through the doors this time. The doors from hell let out a groan.
Doors from Hell: GROOOAAAANNNN!
Like that. Moving on, the scene changes to show Lucius sharpening a knife on his good ol' whetstone. Enter Noah, stage right. I mean... uh... Noah comes in through the door.
Noah: (with British accent) I say, hello old chap!
M. Night Shyamalan: Cut! Bugger off, you bloody piano man!
Noah: (still with British accent) Righto.
Scene re-changes to show Lucius gnawing on the whetstone.
M. Night Shyamalan: CUT!
Four hours pass.
Scene re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re-(author passes out because he was saying re- way too much. Two hours later, author wakes up.)
Okay. I can do this. (deep inhale) Scene re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-changes to show Lucius sharpening his knife on his good ol' whetstone. (heavy panting) Noah walks in.
Lucius: I'm going to randomly assume that you are here because you are disturbed or jealous that Ivy and I are together.
Noah: No hitting.
Lucius: Well I'm very sorry to hear that, but if you're just going to be a bugger, then I'm going to be completely oblivious to the fact that you are unsheathing some object.
The scene goes to a close-up of Lucius' face, which is in an expression like that of one who can't stop watching the Friends marathon. It then changes to show Noah, who looks extremely depressed. The face-flipping goes on for about 12 minutes. During this time, 46 people in the audience fall asleep, M. Night Shyamalan fires the cameraman and gets a new one, and George Bush actually says a 4 syllable word, and pronounced it correctly too. (worldwide gasp) But anyway, now we have a sober cameraman so there are only 3 more close-ups. Lucius looks down and sees much to his despair that there is a knife blade protruding from his torso. He collapses to the ground and twitches. Noah then goes in and stabs him again in an Aragornesque technique.
Spelling Bee Guy: Incorrect.
Author: What?
Spelling Bee Guy: Aragornesque is not a word, you idiot.
Author goes into convulsions. Thsadkn dasfa jdsdsf dsfjkdsiiuewe dsddsf hjkadfds djsj djkdsa sjdfhdshvbdmna. Then he gets better.
Scene changes to show Mrs. Percy trying to put a bowtie on Mr. Percy, resulting in a strangling and gurgling effect.
Mrs. Percy: Noah! Are you ready to go to the Green Day concert!
There is no answer.
Mrs. Percy: Dearly beloved are you listening? I can't remember a word that you were saying!
They walk down the stairs and onto the porch to see Noah sitting in a Sharper Image massage chair. He swivels it somehow. There is blood covering his hands.
Noah: Bad color! Bad color!
Scene changes to show everybody in the village frantically running around. Mr. Walker walkers over (author chuckles and the reader smacks him for saying that lame-o "joke" again) to some random person.
Mr. Walker: What the fu-(falls asleep)
The person nudges him.
Mr. Walker: Is going on?
Random Homey: Noah Percy was found with quarts of blood on his hands. He won't tell whose it is.
Ivy: I'll walk in a random direction!
Ivy heads off down a hill. The audio person wasn't quite sober. He muted out everything except for Ivy saying something under her breath. The experts are debating whether she was swearing or counting. OCD! Never mind. At any rate, she makes it up to this house and smacks her foot into Lucius' living corpse.
Ivy: WTF OMG Nuuuuu! DOCTOR!
Mr. Walker (reader raises hands as author, with great pain, writes) walks over.
Ivy: Daddy? I can't see his color...!
Guys 2 and 3 pull her away from the body while she is screaming bloody murder.
Ivy: BLOODY MURDER!
Like that. Yeah. Scene fades.
