Ch13: Kevin
Scene opens to show Ivy walking along, with a cane that she apparently magically made appear out of thin air. She is clicking along, walking next to a river that is so small and shallow that I think the only reason that Mr. Walker called it a river is because of his severe sleep deprivation. Her cane hits on gravel stones. Ivy gasps.
Ivy: GASPS!
She then rights herself along the line of the gravel road and walks toward the camera. She runs into it and falls unconscious. Author sniggers. Ivy wakes back up. The cameraman flips her off. She then goes back to the road, and walks the correct way this time. The road seems to be pretty freakishly long, so she breaks into a run, dropping her cane. She bolts forward. Unknowingly, she's pretty close to a huge fence. She runs smack-dab into it as the author wonders where the heck the term "smack dab" came from. She then bounces back up and smoothes her hair out.
Ivy: LUMOS!
He wand sheds a little light on the situation. But she's blind. Oh well. She starts to scale the fence.
The scene changes to show a guy in a Jeep driving along. He randomly kills a pedestrian, who turned out to be the only person on the entire crew of The Village with even an inkling of common sense. Well, we're screwed now. He then sees Ivy. In a white nightgown thing. Oh no, she's not wearing a yellow robe anymore. That'd be too simple. White.
Audience: What the!
The yet unnamed person pulls over in front of Ivy and gets out. He closes the door and it sets off the car alarm.
Car Alarm: weeeooo! weeeeooooo! dawnk! dawnk! preeeeoooonnnnzzzeeeee! (author promptly gets annihilated because the aardvark from chapter 11 found him.)
Also, people were getting bugged by him trying to imitate the sounds of a car alarm suckily. So the rest of the story will be finished by Pippin.
They come in PINTS! I'm getting one! (runs away)
Stage Crew: Since we are at a loss of an author, we have decided to reincarnate the original. Sorry for the delay.
So anyway, The guy pulls over by Ivy and sets off his car alarm.
Ivy: wtf is that noise?
Yet Unnamed Guy: Uhh my car.
Ivy: wtf is a car?
Yet Unnamed Guy: Uhh itsa thingy.
Ivy: Well anyway, I need the stuff on this list. (realizes that her list is in her yellow robes) Crap... Help! I've lost my Visa Check Card!
A random assortment of DC superheroes pops out.
Spiderman: Read mah lips, LADEH! If you lose your card, you're not accountable for fraudulent charges!
Ivy: Will ya'll get my list then?
Thor: Oh sure.
They come back with her list and give it to her and then all exit dramatically.
Ivy: (turns to Yet Unnamed Guy) I need all the things on this list.
Yet Unnamed Guy: Dude, this is the stuff for stab wounds.
Ivy: Accept this as payment: (hands him a nameless gold object)
Yet Unnamed Guy: Uhh why do you need stuff for stab wounds?
Ivy: What's your name?
Yet Unnamed Guy: Khgjkeblvin.
Ivy: What?
Khgjkeblvin: Khevin.
Ivy: Kevin?
Kevin: Yeah. Kevin.
Ivy: That's a weird name. I'll just call you bugger.
Kevin: 'kay.
Ivy: Will you get the things on the list?
Kevin: Where did you come from?
Ivy: In there. (points over her shoulder) Through the woods.
Kevin: Wait. There are people in there?
Ivy: Yes.
Kevin: Like ACTUAL people?
Ivy: Yup.
Kevin: Like human people?
Ivy: Yeah.
Kevin: Like human, blood, arms, legs, walking, talking, breathing people?
Ivy: Yes, bugger.
A pause.
Kevin: You mean there are people in there?
Ivy smacks Kevin across the face, hands him the list and the nameless gold item, and tells him to bugger off.
Ivy: Bugger off, bugger.
Kevin walks away about 50 yards before he realizes that he does, in fact, have a Jeep. He guns the engine (which freaks the living crap out of Ivy) and sets off to the nearest guard shack thing. He goes into it, grabs a ladder, chucks it onto his Jeep, then goes up to M. Night Shyamalan.
M. Night Shyamalan: I'm going to start a random conversation with you while reading a newspaper.
Kevin: 'k.
M. Night Shyamalan: I am going to fold the newspaper and set it down on my lap. (he folds the newspaper and sets it down on his lap) I am going to give you an evil stare. (evil stare) Then I am going to tell you to not get into conversations with people.
Kevin: 'k.
M. Night Shyamalan: I am going to tell you that once upon a time there were a couple of teenagers sitting around by the border drinking a bunch of Coke.
Kevin: 'k. Wait – diet, cherry, vanilla, lime, or regular?
M. Night Shyamalan: Regular. I am going to tell you that they heard a rumor that some government people were keeping planes from crossing over the reservation.
Kevin: Got it.
M. Night Shyamalan: I am going to tell you that it was a very stressful time for me. I will tell you that it's an easy gig- maintain and protect the borders. And trust me, don't get into conversations. I am going to pick up my newspaper and unfold it.
Kevin: Okay. Got it.
At this point, M. Night Shyamalan follows through with the plan that he told Kevin. Kevin is on the verge of ripping his hair out and eating it.
M. Night Shyamalan: It was a very stressful time for me. It's an easy gig. Maintain and protect the border. And trust me- do not get into conversations.
Kevin: (with a bit of hair sticking out of his mouth) Great. Fan-freakin-tastic.
He sneaks over to the medicine cabinet and grabs an assortment of pill bottles. Apparently M. Night didn't notice. Silly mortal. Exit Kevin stage right.
Scene changes to show the Jeep sitting idle with it's engine on, Kevin gangsta-leaning on it with a pondering look on his face. Or maybe he just had allergies. One of the two. Scene fades.
