Hi everyone! I just wanted to say that this story is set at the time when Tohma has Eiri break up with Shuichi. I guess I kinda failed to mention that! Oops! I had a really hard time writing the last part of this chapter. Most of the time I can see myself doing everything Tohma does in this story if I was in the same situation, but I just can't see myself doing anything he was doing in that part. He got real evil, and I really hope it sounds ok because I had to break that vibe you get when you write about a character who is alot like you! Other then that, I'm ok with this chapter. It's not the best, but I like it alright! I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter Four

Tohma gazed on Eiri's innocently resting body with an odd mixture of deep affection and tugging attachment. He stood there, dressed in last nights clothes, hair slightly disheveled. What had happened between them still hadn't quite registered, but what had did not make him happy. Tohma had dreamed before that "just one more time and I'll be content" but the time had ended and he wanted it back again. The sweet butterfly had fled from his cradling clasp before he had fully noticed it was there.

He reached out his hand and let his fingers run lightly over Eiri's placid face. The alarm was about to ring, and as Tohma examined the deep circles under Eiri's eyes, he reached semi-automatically for the alarm clock to turn it off. It's a blessing for both of us, Tohma convinced himself selfishly, Eiri needs his sleep. I need him to sleep. Oh Eiri…please keep on sleeping…please keep up the beautiful illusion…please Eiri…do me one last favor…just a little while longer… He wanted Eiri to stay sleeping there, endearingly resting on his stomach just as he had so many years ago. Tohma wanted to fool himself; he wanted to play house. He would make Eiri's coffee, and when Eiri came into the kitchen, he would allow Tohma to kiss him lovingly on the cheek. An impulsive wish to be brainless came over him. He wished he had the memory of a goldfish so he could forget all the horrible mistakes of the past; he wished he was standing at Eiri's bedside forever, locked in a beautiful dream. So many wishes…so many stupid wishes that could never come true. Tohma sighed regretfully and gave in to his simple desire for more time, tapping off the alarm clock and placing it carefully back on the bedside table. He could stand here and gaze upon Eiri just a few minutes longer. It was ok. It really was. At least a tiny drop from the overflowing sea of wishes could have its needs met.

Kneeling on the floor, Tohma placed his head on Yuki's back and snuck his arm around the beloved, slumbering form. He breathed in time with Eiri and closed his eyes. Fingers stroked back and forth, back and forth. Eiri was safe here, cradled in his arms. Yuki was protected, nothing would ever harm him in this place. But…why? Why was it he could protect Eiri's body so well and still not be able to keep him from emotional damage? Was he simply an inadequate guardian? At every turn Tohma would intervene and try to keep Eiri safe from the pitiless world, but every time he destroyed his beloved even further. Eiri…you've become so twisted…is it my fault? I…took you to New York…it was all my fault Yuki hurt you. I…I was just trying to make you happy. And now I blundered again. Now you're hurting because Shuichi is gone, but with him here you were endangering your life. Am I simply selfish? I wanted you to be ok…I wanted it so badly that my chest felt like it would split open. But if it did that, all my horrible secrets would come tumbling out for everyone to see. For you to see. And when that happened, you would hate me. You would hate me, truly abhor me, and I wouldn't be able to pull myself up and smile anymore. Tohma nuzzled his face in Eiri's hair and breathed into its sweetness. He let his hands play in Eiri's locks, let himself block all the horrible thoughts from his mind and just concentrate solely on Eiri. Just Eiri.

Yuki's blonde head moved and Eiri blinked groggily. "Uhh…" he moaned, reaching up to see what was happening to his hair. Making a small exclamation of protest, he pushed himself upwards into a sitting position.

"Good morning!" Tohma smiled at him cheerily. "I'm so happy you're up so we can spend time together!"

"What they hell were you doing breathing on me and touching me, you creepy bastard!" Eiri growled angerly, "Get off my floor and stop you're damn smiling, because I'm not happy to see you!"

Tohma knew it was coming, but it still sliced into him like a knife. He knew what they had done would mean nothing to Eiri, but he couldn't help his heart from crunching painfully inside of him. "Did you sleep well?"

"What the hell do you think? Does it look like I slept well? Do I sound like I slept well?" Eiri tossed off his covers and stepped over Tohma, allowing his foot to swipe Tohma's face as he passed.

"I made coffee!" Tohma informed him pleasantly, hopping up and following Eiri with a fake bounce to his step. Hand reaching up to touch Eiri's shoulder, he giggled and touched his nose to Eiri's face. "It's on the table, with splenda sugar in it."

Eiri turned and glanced at Tohma, then carefully removed Tohma's other hand as it roved over his chest. He muttered grudgingly, "Great. Thanks."

Tohma followed Yuki into the kitchen, chest nearly exploding with a new, confusing mix of pain and great joy. Eiri had thanked him! Eiri appreciated his coffee!

Eiri sat himself down in his usual chair and watched indifferently as Tohma hurried to join him. He picked up the cup, peered into it, and drank grudgingly. "Where's breakfast?"

"I'll make something now." Tohma stood up headed over to the refrigerator.

"What the hell? You always used to make breakfast. What a ripoff. I try to make your little butt happy and all you make is coffee? How lame. You could at least try to—"

The doorbell rang and Tohma glanced at Eiri questioningly. "Should I go get that?"

Eiri sighed. "No. Don't bother."

"Who would be here so early?" Tohmagave Eiri a quizical look and pulled some cooking instruments from the top cupboard.

"Some girl whose legs I was going to try to get between. But since I had you to fuck, I don't need her anymore. You should realize, though, nothing has changed between us. I better make this as clear as I possibly can so you can get your thick head around it. Last night, I figured you would just let me get on top of you, and you did. Hey, it was cheaper and easier then taking the bitch at the door out to some stupid romantic restaurant and getting her all worked up. Just stick my hands up your shirt a few times and kiss you, and there. Free fun. But now you can go away, because you're annoying me. I didn't figure in how you always sneak around and creep me out. Thanks, you were a nice whore, but you can go now. Go on, get out. Out!"

Tohma's hands clenched and froze on the bowl he was holding. A panicked horror rose to terrifying levels inside his chest and flooded his entire body. Clink. The bowl clunked loudly on the counter, then a silence settled itself awkwardly over the two men. Finally, Tohma spoke, voice shaky like he was in actual physical pain. "Is that what I am to you? You told me once…you told me…I was special. I was special." Tohma's hands clenched into fists on the table and his head slumped downwards. "Special. Eiri…if I'm special, why do you hate me so much? Why do you use me?"

"Because you're stupid. You let yourself be used, hell, you let me walk all over you. Sometimes, I think you have an odd fetish." Eiri snorted and pulled out his box of cigarettes.

Tohma shivered. "It's not like that. I let you…because I love you. I want you to have whatever you want. I want you to be contented with your life. I want—"

"That's a load of crap," Eiri told him flatly, sticking a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it up. "You let me because you're pathetic and you need me."

"You don't understand!" Tohma sounded almost hysterical, "I-I…I don't know, maybe your right, but whatever the reason you don't have to…you don't have to…be…so cruel like you are…why…why doesn't your smile shine when you're with me anymore? I used to think it was because your real smile was gone: I used to think I killed it by taking you to New York." Tohma clutched his shirt near his chest and his shoulders shook violently. "I think I caused your suffering. But Shuichi brought your smile back. It wasn't fair. I tried for years to bring you back, but I couldn't do a thing. And then he shows up, with no idea what you had gone through, stupid as anything, and he makes you smile that smile again. I was pleased you where happy, but…"

Eiri interceded. "You were jealous; you were a jealous little bitch. You screwed things around because you were bitter over crap that happened years ago."

"Fine, yes!" Tohma whirled around and faced Eiri, hands shaking and held in a half-questioning gesture like he couldn't think of what to do with them. Droplets of saltwater crawled down his face. All his secrets were pouring so freely from Eiri's mouth…all of the things Tohma shoved deep into the back chambers of his heart and refused to think about. His defenses crumbled around Eiri: his smile transformed into a sob and his aloof coldness turned into hot-headed obsession. Please stop, Eiri…please…stop hurting me…stop it Eiri…please stop… "Yes, I was jealous, how could I not be jealous? In case you didn't notice, I do feel! But I didn't act on it! I didn't act on it and I let you two be together because I wanted you, Eiri, to be happy. I wanted you to be happy! No, I wanted you to be so ecstatic that you could watch the world die and laugh. But then…Taki hurt Shuichi, and that…that hurt you. If Shuichi hadn't been hurt, all those horrible memories wouldn't have come back. You were also loosing weight, you're started taking pills. Then, all that blood started pouring from your mouth and you ended up in the hospital. I panicked." And my guilty thoughts against Shuichi crept back into me, and they took over. I allowed myself to think I was doing everything for you, Eiri. And part of me was. Part of me was sincere and well meaning, but not all of it. How could all of me have been so…perfect, when I wanted you so badly? "All…all my…my…oh Eiri, I don't want to tell you this…"

"Well then don't. Like I give a shit. You know you can't compare to him, you know I could care less, but you just can't shut up, can you?"

"To Yuki? I can't compare to him?" The raging sea inside of Tohma flooded tinted black water into his soul. Hatred clutched his chest and tried to squeeze the life out of him. "Why, Eiri? Why? He used you and raped you! He hurt you and he…" Tohma voice trailed off at the strange look on Eiri's face.

Eiri gazed vacantly into his coffee mug, and Tohma watched, helpless, as one of Eiri's shaking hands moved up to cover his face. Tohma hurried to Eiri's side, hands gently caressing his head and his shoulders. "Please don't cry, Eiri…please don't…please…I'm sorry!"

The novelist grunted, then pushed the roving fingers off of him. "I-I don't see…why you have such a problem understanding. I wish you would leave me the fuck alone, and I make it clear. I kick you in face emotionally yet you show up every week with that stupid grin on your face, even while Mika is waiting for you at home. She's happy to see you, she wants to be with you, and you still come here, pleased to see me. So, even though he hurt me, I-I can't keep from thinking about him. Even though…Shuichi…Shu…he made me feel…I…I don't know. He made me feel something. Even with him, I couldn't stop…but…I guess…sometimes…with him…I forgot…a little…"

"I see," Tohma whispered, removing Eiri's hand from his face and trying to clear away Eiri's water-filled eyes with his thumbs. Jealousy consumed him, almost so much he couldn't bear it, yet at the same time he couldn't leave Eiri feeling this hopeless and lost. Soon jealousy competed fiercely with a desire to see Eiri smile, really smile, again. "I…see. Eiri, I don't know what to do. How can I make you…how can I make both of us happy?"

His beloved sighed and shook his head. "You're thinking too optimistically. I…don't know if it's even possible for me to be truly happy again… Hell, I don't even really remember what it feels like to laugh."

"…I miss when you would run down the streets in New York with me…laughing. I think it's my fault. It's my fault your like this. If I hadn't taken you to there, we would have never run down those streets together…but…you could have saved that laugh for now. For…for him." Tohma couldn't look into Eiri's eyes, afraid of how those angry crystals would gaze into his jealous, black soul.

"Sometimes, I don't understand you or the crap that spills out of your mouth. You made me break up with the little brat, and now you're sorry he can't see me laugh? What the hell is your problem?"

Tohma exhaled raggedly and couldn't help his body from shaking. Inside a ferocious battle roared on the plains of his heart and mind. "Right now, I don't understand what's going on with me myself."

"Well that's just special. Maybe you're just too weird for anyone to truly comprehend." Eiri heaved a sigh and gave Tohma an extremely aggravated glance. "Didn't I tell you to leave awhile ago? Hey, you didn't even make breakfast. I guess you were to busy putting your hands all over me."

Tohma flinched. "I…guess I'll go, then…"

"That's right. I told you to go, so go. Well, what are you waiting for? Go!"

Tohma smiled wanly at him. "Eiri, please try to take it easy."

Eiri's eyes scanned Tohma's red eyes and tearstained face. He stared into his cold coffee for a minute, lost in thought. Finally, he looked back up at the morose figure before him and said simply, "I'll try."


Tohma looked pleasantly on Shuichi Shindo as he stood enraged before him and smiled. Twiddling his pen around in his right hand, Tohma leaned back in his desk chair and widened his grin. "I don't understand what you're so mad about. All I did was request you start off on your little tour earlier then planned." Tohma spread his hands outward in a friendly, compromising gesture. In the background, Mr. Sakano danced nervously between his two feet.

"You're trying to keep me from seeing Yuki, you bastard! You think that if I go away for a bit, I'll forget about him!" Shuichi flailed his arms violently in Tohma's direction, tears flooding down his face. " Well your wrong! I'll love Eiri tell the day I die! I hate you! I hate you! Keep you creepy hands off my Yuki!" About to throw himself upon his president, Shindo was suddenly impeded by Mr. Sakano latching onto his waist and pulling desperately backwards.

"Oh, poor Shindo-san, I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong impression. Eiri is mine now. Very much mine. Do you want me to tell you a little secret?" Tohma felt his anger pouring from him, felt himself lash out in frustration and throbbing pain into Shindo's tender heart. The boy before him had stolen Eiri from him. Stolen him! "He made me feel something." "I forgot…a little." Tohma clenched the pen as envy beat wildly inside of him. Still, a small piece of him protested this cruelty, protested against the destruction of the person who had begun to cure Eiri's frozen heart. He hurt Eiri…he made Eiri end up in the hospital. It's best to send him away before I find Eiri…I find him…before Eiri ends up hurt all over again. Tohma forced himself to believe he was doing this for Eiri, for nobody but Eiri.

Shindo glowered at Tohma, breathing slightly heavy. When he didn't say anything, Tohma continued in a detached tone. "He slept with me, you know. Last night." The look on Shindo's face, the look of someone who had just been stabbed in the heart, made a strange type of pleasure rise wickedly inside of Tohma. He needed to continue. He needed to see the boy's reaction, to revel in his pain. "In fact, he made the first move. I'm sure I made him harder then you ever could. I'm sorry Shindo-san, I just don't think he needs to have you causing him such stress and worry, when he could have a more…stable…lover." Tohma smiled a real, ecstatic smile as Shindo collapsed onto the floor, crying hysterically. "He could end up in the hospital again, and his delicate condition really couldn't stand that. I believe he needs someone who knows him better, who understands what he's going through. Someone like…me."

Shindo sobbed brokenly, pounding his fists onto Tohma's expensive carpet. "I…hate you…I hate you!" The singers voice cracked furiously, and he screamed his last and final retort. "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you, Tohma Seguchi!"

Tohma smiled at Shindo as he pretended to beat Tohma's brains into the carpet. He smiled as Mr. Sakano struggled to drag him out, and he continued to smile as the door was shut and he was left to smile alone.