Chapter five is here, and I have an important announcement. I think Tohma has been crying way too much, so for the next two chapters, he will be tear free! Amazing! But after that, he's going to cry again. But it fits. It really does guys. I hope you like this, this chapter is more TohmaxMika then anything, but they arn't really a couple. They are just married. That sounds really odd, I know, but it's kinda true. Hope you enjoy it!

Thanks so much to everyone who is reviewing, you really make my day when reviews pop up. It makes me happy, and it also encourages me to write faster. Thanks so much, without you, this story wouldn't be possible!

Chapter Five

The sun blinded Tohma's eyes as he drove home from work several hours early. Tohma glanced at Mika's bright birthday package and considered making a sharp turn and heading back towards the safety of his office refuge for just a few more hours. She wouldn't be expecting him, he reasoned desperately, she wouldn't know he had anything special planned. He could just lay it on the table and she would find it the next morning. A nice surprise. Yeah, right. How would Mika feel if her husband didn't come home to see her on her birthday? What if she is waiting for me? Tohma thought in horror, mind not focused on the road before him, What if she is sitting at the table, waiting for me? What am I supposed to say? "Hi honey, I love you so much. Look, I got you a present!" "You look lovely tonight, just as beautiful as on our wedding night." A load of crap. What if she could see though him? What if she knew? Tohma felt his skin crawl at the thought, felt guilt creep from his chest and infect his entire body with a fearful tingling sensation. Please Mika…go along with our great lie. We are a happy married couple. Everything is alright. Everything is perfect. Let's pose for our own personal cameras. It's better this way, isn't it? It's better. It's better. But it isn't just for us. Sometimes, Tohma despised being famous. Smile now, the world is watching you.

Slam. Tohma gasped as his SUV skidded harshly to a stop two seconds before impact with the car before him. A red light. Staring vaguely at the car he almost hit, he only distantly heard the sound of angry honking. Hell, he was almost there. Hell. Stop honking, Tohma thought irritably, shut up, I get it. Oh, the light had changed! Wearily, Tohma pressed the gas and tried to organize his frayed thoughts.

Standing for about a minute at the door, Tohma gathered up his courage to take on whatever would happen beyond. The multicolored present mocked him with its ironically happy appearance. Time to copy the box. Sweaty hand turning the doorknob slowly, he pulled his hand back and was forced to try the simple procedure over again. Before he was ready, the door swung open with a swift, frustrated air.

Mika leaned on the door paneling, the intense glare in her reddened eyes silencing Tohma's feeble greeting. "Tohma, did you do it?"

"W-what?" Tohma stuttered, weak smile crumbling. Terror ignited inside of him. "Do what?"

"You know. Your voice gives you away. Shuichi Shindo just had a breakdown at Nakano's house because of you. I'm asking you, did you do it? Did you sleep with Eiri, or were you just torturing the boy for the mere thrill of it? Dammit, Tohma, don't drop that. Give it here. Here, it's mine, right?" She snatched the package from Tohma's useless, sliding fingers and threw it onto the table in their opening hall.

"M-Mika-I…" Tohma trailed off and stared helplessly at Mika's blue slippers. He hadn't known she had blue slippers.

"Shut up for now and come inside. You're stammering like an idiot. Come on, Tohma, do you want me to get even more pissed at you?"

Tohma obeyed his wife numbly. She gestured toward the kitchen and he followed her aggravated movements, then sunk into his usual chair. The newspaper he had been reading that morning was still lying where he had left it. He was trying not to think, and it was working pretty well. Blankly, he stared the rich wood table.

A forced, tearless glower on her face, Maka shoved an automatic macaroni dinner under his nose and then dropped it. "Eat," she commanded, sticking chopsticks into the lukewarm mess. "Are you thirsty?"

Tohma realized to his slight surprise he had become parched. Timidly, he whispered, "Yes."

Tap water rushed from the facet as Mika jerked the handle of the sink harshly upwards. Clink. Mika dropped a brown mug by Tohma, whose eyes automatically read the words "1994 New Year's Festival! Tokyo's Pride!"

"You haven't been knocked out, Tohma. You said you were thirsty. If you're thirsty, drink. Dammit, Tohma! Drink!" Mika took the seat opposite to him, eyes boring into her husband's huddled figure.

Tohma couldn't look meet her eyes as he reached out a limp hand and moved the mug to his lips. There was a pregnant silence while Tohma picked at his food halfheartedly. It wasn't the best.

"I didn't have a good birthday," Mika informed him unnecessarily, "In fact, it was pretty shitty." She sighed and cradled her head on her long fingers. "I have a headache and there aren't any more aspirins."

"There are…more in the bottom bathroom cupboard…" Tohma said almost shyly.

"They aren't extra strength. I can't take normal strength anymore. They don't do crap."

"Oh," Tohma whispered apologetically. He chanced a look at her harried face and quickly looked back at his food.

"My day started out normal. I went to the store with Kishika. I bought some new outfits. It was pretty fun, if I didn't think about how I always did that anyway. Then, Hiroshi Nakano called me. I'm not sure if I'm glad that I gave Shuichi my cell phone. I didn't know that Nakano guy was so overprotective and pushy. He practically ordered me to talk to you, as if I wouldn't say anything after he told me you were sleeping with my brother."

She paused as if to let Tohma get a word in edgewise, but when he didn't take his opportunity she continued unabated. "Well, after I resisted throwing some ugly heels at the saleslady, I drove home. I'm pretty pissed at you. I let you go see Eiri, I even encourage him to talk to you and let you in when you show up there all the time. It pisses me off when you won't even come home for dinner and I still sit here like an idiot waiting for you. Most of the time I don't where the crap you are. I wait and I wait but sometimes you don't come home until one in the morning." Mika was frustrated, and exhaustion and sorrow saturated her voice. "…Tohma, why? Why did you do it?" Mika suddenly became intense, fingers stiffly pressing hard on the familiar wood.

Tohma didn't answer for a long time; he couldn't count the minutes as they ticked painfully past. Somehow, the way Mika coolly handled herself made the whole situation drastically worse. "I…" he said finally, words sticking painfully in his throat, "I…I wanted…I wanted to…but then I…thought and…" He risked a glance at Mika's frowning features and quickly realized that was not going to cut it. "I…" he muttered quickly, to assure her he was trying again. "…I…I wished I had him back again…him…the old Eiri…and I…wanted to pretend…he was there…" Tohma could no longer force food into his mouth, and the chopsticks clacked hollowly on the table. "…and I…still love him…and when he started to kiss me…I couldn't help myself…even though I knew he was using me…" Tohma shook his head as the ache inside of him burst and sparked until he felt faint. His heart pounded painfully and he felt himself begin to shake. Pushing his chair backwards, he hid his head under his hands. "But…if it helps…I thought of you…before...it…"

"He might never come back, Tohma." Mika whispered, voice tinged with something resembling pity.

"I…" Tohma gasped, "I…know…and it's my fault…it's my fault…" Entire body shaking heavily, he curled his hands into fists and tried to control himself.

"Oh Tohma, it's not, it's not your fault!" Mika stood up with force and a fierce passion entered her voice. "It's not your fault."

"It is!" Tohma insisted fervently, "It is all my fault. Everything I do is wrong; every time I try to help him he falls further away. It's my fault. It's all my fault!"

"Tohma, calm down!" Mika commanded, "Calm down, Tohma!"

"He's hurting and I can't help him, Mika. He's in pain and I caused it all. If Shindo hurts himself Eiri won't ever smile again. I know he won't: I know it, and I did it anyway. I hurt Shindo anyway! I'm so jealous," Tohma moaned powerlessly, "I'm so jealous that I think I hate him. But if I want the old Eiri back again, why am I angry at Shindo? Is it because Shindo made Eiri ill? No, no it's not. It's not. It's because I want the old Eiri back, but I want him back with me, Mika. I…don't want to watch…him…leave me…completely …Eiri…I'm sorry!"

"Calm down!" Mika's voice held a tone of authority and compassion. "Tohma, you didn't do anything, and even if you did there's nothing you can do about it right now. You might as well just calm down and listen to me. I'm not done."

Ashamed by his outburst, Tohma managed to stop his shaking and sat up as self-controlled as he could manage. "Sorry." He told her with agonizing embarrassment.

"It's ok." Mika heaved a heavy sigh and returned to her seat. "Do you ever think about me at work, up late doing whatever you do there?"

"Yes," Tohma whispered, "a lot."

"Well, that's nice to know. I think about you too," her voice was slightly husky and her fingers traced the patterns on the table regretfully. "Please come home earlier sometimes. It's lonely here alone."

Tohma's guilt was becoming unbearable. A terrible feeling of being soiled and filthy made him feel like washing out his heart, or maybe getting a new one. Odd thoughts of heart surgery fluttered randomly through his brain. Maybe if he washed himself enough times he could cleanse himself from every hideous thing he had ever done. "Ok," he agreed, unable to say anything else and hoping he could stick with his word.

Mika crossed her arms and pushed her chair up on it's back legs, seeming to be thinking very hard about something. "I'll accept it if you still go see him," she said finally, great strain in her voice, "I…know what it's like to never be with the person you love. But don't do what you've been doing with him anymore. And I…don't know if I'm going to be able to forgive you for awhile. But, I promise I'll try."

"I…won't...do anything with him that would hurt you anymore." For a moment, Tohma's grateful eyes met hers.

There was an uncharacteristic silence from the other end of the table. Mika seemed to be almost hesitant, almost afraid of something. Finally, she spoke strongly and forcefully, and Tohma could tell she had been rehearsing. "Tohma, I want you to look at me. Look at me, Tohma! Look at me!"

Tohma forced his eyes to stare into Mika's, like he was making himself look into the direct light of the sun. Her intense stare caused fear to mix with the horrible shame that weighted his heart.

"…Tohma, I'm…pregnant."

Time froze for Tohma as he felt himself stiffen automatically. What? No. No, that was impossible. Simply impossible. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't have a baby! Trying to function intelligently, he managed a weak "How?"

"You were pretty drunk." Mika told him almost tonelessly, "It was that time Eiri punched you and left you out on the middle of the highway. I…don't know if you remember…much…"

"You…said you took pills," Tohma told her rationally, mind attempting to refute everything she was saying. "You told me you took pills."

"I lied."

It was Tohma's turn to let betrayal slice into him, let almost physical pain raze his chest. "Y-you know I don't want a baby! I can't have a child, Mika. I can't…I can't…"

"I couldn't help myself!" Mika threw his own words back at him harshly, slight trembling affecting her voice. "Nobody loves me. You never come home. I'm lonely. I want somebody to love me! I want somebody to love me, Tohma. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much? Is it!"

Tohma couldn't listen to her properly, his own thoughts racing frantically and unorganized through his mind. "It's going to hate me! It's going to hate me… Please get rid of it! You know it will hate me, Mika! How could you…how…" Tohma crumpled in his chair and couldn't listen at his wife's fervent accusations anymore. No…

"I'm sorry…" Mika whispered, "I'm sorry, Tohma, I love you, but it's mine, and I'm keeping it. The rest is your decision. You can decide whether you want to be its father, or not. And how about this. Let's make a deal. I'll forgive you, and you'll forgive me."

Tohma heard Mika heading towards him, felt sympathetic fingers playing affectionately with his hair. Mika let out a sigh and told him calmly, "I'm going to bed early. You can come up if you want."

Mika's slippers made light clunking sounds as they went up the stairs. Then, they were gone, and the kitchen was strangely silent. Tohma was still in shock, and though he wished that he could leave this nightmare behind, he knew in his heart he couldn't.