I have several important things to say! The first thing is...I planned this from day one, and so, it's how it's going to go. Please don't take my head off! Second thing, even more important is that I didn't even watch the last parts of the anime where Eiri collapsed tell, uh, like right now. This isn't supposed to be a repeat of it. I wrote this before I saw it. I hope you like it!

Chapter Eight

Body strangely devoid of sensation and feeling, Tohma stared blankly at the blurred white hospital floor. The fake atmosphere of home and familiarity disconnected him even more from the noisy waiting room. Thud…thud…thud… Clink…click…click… Hospital personal and visitors continued their lives around Tohma's huddled figure, blessedly oblivious. Disembodied from his physical self, his mind wandered aimlessly from desolate plane to desolate plane. His fault. It was his fault all over again. He had made Shindo leave Eiri. He had taken Eiri from Shindo—and by doing so, had destroyed Eiri as well as the object of his jealousy. He had blundered drastically again. But this time, Eiri might die. Eiri would leave him forever, and he would disserve it. He would deserve all of it. But Eiri wouldn't. Eiri didn't warrant the pain and the suffering that he had dealt with so many years, and if Tohma had been a competent protector, he wouldn't have had too.

Tohma's hands knitted deeper into his hair, pushing his hat into an awkward position. I'm going to do the right thing now… Tohma steeled his resolve with the force he applied to his company. If…if Eiri…doesn't…When Eiri is alright, I'm going to give him up. I'll tell him to go get Shindo from America. No. I'll suggest that he go get Shindo from America. Shindo makes him happy. He can protect Shindo. I should understand his need to do that. I'm not good enough. I'm just not good enough. Shindo is who he loves, and who he needs. Not me. Not me! So I'll fade away, and leave him. No—

Shoulders flinching with agony, Tohma suddenly gasped the air that he hadn't been breathing. Never go see Eiri again? No, impossible. He was too selfish for that. Maybe I'll just watch him from a distance. See him when he comes to pick up Shindo. Call him? Perhaps. But Tohma resolved that he wasn't going to try to protect Eiri anymore, no matter how much it pained him and confused him. He still didn't understand what was wrong about wanting to keep somebody safe and happy, but he must have been doing something wrong. Whenever he tried, it didn't work. Maybe he was useless. Somebody else probably would have done a much better job.

"Tohma." A tender voice floated through his thoughts. "Tohma…"

Even if it wasn't what Tohma thought was best, he would let Eiri struggle it out on his own. Eiri could learn better that way. But to watch him stumble without support…to fall? No, not without support. Without Tohma's support. I'm not going to be able to stand this, Tohma thought miserably, I can't stand not being his trusted protector, even if he doesn't trust me and he doesn't need protection. I need the title in my mind, even if I always do things wrong. Somehow, It comforts me.

"Tohma."

Turning his head towards his wife's loving voice, he quickly averted his eyes. Mika…the woman he had used to get to Eiri. Why was she still standing there? How could she still look at him? He had been avoiding her for days, and now he couldn't even look her in the eye. Why, why can't she just reject me, and get it over with? How can I look her in the eye and tell her I cheated…again? Will she ever forgive me? Will I be able to stop myself the next time? If there is a next time...with him.

"Thank you. You saved him." Smiling resignedly, Mika sat down next to him and tentatively placed her hand on his tense arm. "If you hadn't gone to see him…"

"No," Tohma protested her words weakly, "If I had done everything right in the first place, we wouldn't be here. Eiri wouldn't be here."

"I know you make mistakes. A lot of mistakes." She smiled, not really amused. "But you didn't try it, Tohma. You didn't try it, while you were trying so hard."

"But that makes me incompetent," Tohma countered, "I should be good at it."

"If you love somebody, you don't have to be perfect. I love you, and I goddamn know you're not perfect. I don't think I could love that block of ice that so many people see you as." Mika's hand traveled to Tohma's farther side and she leaned her head on his shoulder.

Trembling, Tohma tried to shrug away her unwelcome affection. "Don't touch me," he pleaded, "I don't deserve you. Please don't. You're not stupid. You know why I married you. You know…I can't…I'm not…I always…"

Mika held on and drew her husband closer. "You cheat. I know. You don't love me. I know. You mess up. I know. It's alright, Tohma, I love you. All I ask is that you try, and even if Eiri won't accept that, I will."

"I don't have any right to that sort of devotion." Tohma shook his head hopelessly. "I don't."

"No, you don't, but I'm giving it to you as a gift!" Mika insisted, eyes shining with vehemence.

"I…" Tohma was distracted by a timid nurse wandering nervously towards them.

"Excuse me, are you…Mr. and Mrs. Seguchi?" When Mika nodded in affirmation, the woman smile got brighter and a blush crept over her formerly pale features. "G-good evening. Mr. Uesugi is going to be alright. He was suffering from stress-related heart palpitations. You can see him in a few hours, but right now he is resting."

Tohma stood up abruptly, eyes shinning with relief and potential tears. "Thank you very much. I think I can speak for both of us in saying we are very relieved."

The woman nodded and hurried off, leaving Tohma in a dazed release.


As Tohma crept into Eiri's room, he fearfully noted the paleness of Eiri's cheeks and the way his breathing was slightly off. "Eiri?" He asked tentatively, "Eiri? Hi. Mika's here too. She's getting you lunch."

"Hey," Eiri muttered groggily, "Hey, thanks, Seguchi. Thanks…a lot. I didn't want to die."

"Well, that's good to hear," Tohma said in a fake cheerful voice, chest flooding with an elated wave of emotion. Just as soon, the wave crashed. "I'm sorry too. This…this is all my fault…" He dragged a gray folding chair over to Eiri's side and sat down weakly.

"Shut up," Eiri snapped shortly, "Shut up. You always say that. You act like I have no thoughts of my own, like I can't say no to your wishes and advice. It's just as much of my fault as it is yours. It's always been like that. I always listen to you, and then you say it's your fault if things go wrong. I'm not dumb, you know. I can think up solutions on my own. And then there are the times when nothing is your fault, and you say it anyway. That's really irritating, especially when I think about when I was young and believed all the crap you told me."

Slam. Two waves crashed violently inside of Tohma, one of light, airy amazement and one of disbelief. His eyes widened, mouth opening without anything to say. It wasn't…his fault? How…how could everything not be his fault? Finally, he managed, "When were things not my fault, Eiri? Everything—"

"—'You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry. It's my fault.'" Eiri quoted effortlessly, voice a dull monotone. "…I believed you, dammit. Seguchi, I was angry, and I blamed it on you."

"Oh, but Eiri, it was!" Tohma exclaimed, almost panic stricken, "That was never your fault! Never, it never—"

"Did I say it was my fault?"

Tohma's head slumped. "No…" he said softly, "But…if someone…if someone…" Tohma's hands covered his face, as if trying to hide the horrible thoughts he had never wanted Eiri to know, even while they poured from his mouth. "If someone knows how a-a molester feels, they should realize when one is shaking their hand!"

Eiri's head turned towards Tohma's muffled sobs. "What the hell are you talking about? You never—"

"—But you don't know how much I wanted too! Oh, no, not raping you, I would have never thought of doing that to you! But you were so cute, you were so cute Eiri! I had never met anyone like you before. And I, I would hold your hand on the streets, and sometimes I would touch you. You know. But I would stop myself before…but I…I…"

Eiri's gaze didn't waver. "I was sixteen. I knew what you wanted. But you never hurt me. Not once. You never took advantage of me. I wanted to hold your hand, remember? Seguchi, you would touch me on the head and shoulder and smile. Only once, you tried to kiss me, but you stopped. You had this disgusted look on your face, and you avoided me for days. Remember?" He snorted. "In my teenage brilliance, I thought you didn't like me. I thought…I had done something wrong. Yuki…it was different. He would suggest that I do…things, and he would always…touch me." A slight shudder shook Eiri's body, and Tohma winced visibly. "I thought he liked me…a lot….But I was wrong." He shrugged stoically, but his deathly hand traced the plain white sheet of the bed in wistful memory.

Shaking his head, Tohma's sobs increased and his shoulders shook. "But I wanted to—"

"—And that's the difference," Eiri said simply, a sigh of exasperation escaping his lips, "between you and him. The point is, it wasn't your fault, and this isn't your fault. So shut up."

Tohma's weeping grew more potent and gasping, and he rested his head on his hands, which were clasped on Eiri's bed. "Eiri…" He whispered like the name was a forbidden magic spell. Not…his fault. Eiri thought it wasn't his fault. Years of pain and self-accusations leaked halfway away, leaving dark dissolved water and a rusted, painful residue. Only Eiri. If it would have been anyone else, he would have never believed them. Ever. But with Eiri just stating it coldly and obviously, like it was a well-known fact, something clicked marvelously. "Eiri…I love you…so much…" Hands playing absentmindedly with his short gold locks, he murmured, "Thank you…thank you…" Not…my fault…not…me…

"It's just the truth, idiot. You were annoying me because you always say it, and it was beginning to piss me off, so I decided to enlighten you."

A choked laugh breaking into his sobs, Tohma raised his head, shoulders now shaking with tension-relieving chuckle. "Alright," he agreed easily, "If you say so."

Eiri just grunted and flicked his eyes momentarily toward the ceiling.

Giggling onward, Tohma found it hard to control himself. Something had burst inside him, something that should have burst a long, long time ago. It hadn't gone away, and guilt still played heavily on his heart, but it had lessened beautifully. Not…my fault…could it really be true? Tohma…couldn't remember…feeling like this… "I love you, Eiri," he laughed hysterically, "I love you!"

"Eh, thanks." Eiri said shortly, not returning the sentiment.

Containing himself, Tohma's face returned to seriousness. Sighing, he said intensely, "And that's why I want you to go to New York. You must go get him back."

Eiri's lazy expression grew astounded. "What!"

Unable to help himself, Tohma found he was using the phrases he always used when flinging his overprotective suggestions upon Eiri. "It would be best for you if you went and got him. I thought you would be happier if he wasn't here, but apparently I was wrong. I guess his presence, though very aggravating, is slightly less harmful then his absence."

"You think so?" Eiri sighed, gazing at the fan spinning half-heartedly above him. "…I don't know. I really don't know. All I know is that I miss him. I tried to forget him, but it…didn't work."

Tohma's hand found its way to Eiri's beautiful hair. Petting him lovingly, he smiled in a strained fashion and told him sincerely, "Please go get him. Please go get him, and I'll try not to…be so…forceful…with what I want you to do. I promise…this will be the last time I try to push my will on you."

"That's ironic," Eiri told him, "Telling me what to do, then saying you won't do it anymore. That's so like you. But…ok. Alright. I'll listen to Mr. Seguchi one last time. But this time, I'll take it as advice. Brother."

Tohma stiffened and his hand stopped its roaming caress for a moment. A small but genuine smile playing on his lips, he continued his affections as Eiri's eyes rolled into his head once more.


Please tell me what you think, I'm anxious about this chapter!