Yay, it's done...finally. I hope there are no errors...I wrote part of this tonight...I hope such habits of submitting so fast don't continue. I've been so behind...
Chapter Nine
Tohma allowed himself one final, shaky sigh before pushing open his door. Staring at the floor, he stepped reluctantly into the threshold. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten the flowers; maybe he would have done better without them. But here they were, and so, he had to use them now. Mika's distant footsteps soon rang ominously in his ears, and as he heard them come closer, he had to will himself to not turn around and walk away. Apprehension soon overwhelmed his senses and transformed into terrified dread. What will she say when she finds out? What will she do? I promised her that I wouldn't again, and I did anyway. What if she doesn't accept me back? What if she leaves me all alone? I can't stand to be all alone! Tohma clenched the flowers harder and bit, hard, into his lip. I don't care if I look all-powerful and mighty on TV, I'm not, and if she leaves me too, I'm going to crumble. I'm such an idiot. I gave Eiri away without a certain backup. Never complete a transaction without assurance of a Plan B. Was that what Mika was? A Plan B? Familiar guilt slithered its way into his chest, scratching its slimy claws across his heart and clenching greedily upon it. Tohma's head sunk lower. What would it be like, living in this enormous house, all alone? Alone, alone! He had always been scared of being left alone. Ten year old Tohma cried in a corner while the other children played. Make them stop laughing at him. Alone, alone!
"Tohma? You're home e—" Her startled voice suddenly stopped, and soon afterwards gentle hands pried the expensive flora for his stiff fingers. "You got me flowers? Why? What did you do for me to deserve such lavish affections?"
He couldn't look up while he slipped into the family room, settling down on the couch, hands entwined with each other and head resting upon them.
"Tohma!" Mika exclaimed anxiously, following him with a suspicious scowl etched on her face. "What's wrong?" Placing the flowers upon a nearby table, she quickly seated herself beside her husband. "Look at me."
Tohma shook his head frantically, knitting his hand into his hair. "No, no…I can't…"
"Don't be pathetic, Tohma. Look at me."
Forcing himself to gaze into the blue abysses, he managed to smile weakly at her. "Do you know how much of a horrible husband I am?"
Mika sighed and moved long fingers through his hair, disheveling it and pushing it into funny positions. "You let me mess up your business hair."
Tohma's smile twisted, becoming flawed and eventually crumbling. Unable to reveal his trembling mouth, he turned from her harshly. Getting up, he stepped to the window and gazed out upon the people carrying out their oblivious lives below him. "Why can't the world be perfect?"
"Because people can't be perfect, Tohma. You know that all too well."
"Why can't people be perfect? Is it because they have emotions? Maybe it would be best if nobody had any emotions. Then, everyone could think logically. Then there would be no need for tears, or pain. Then…I wouldn't be able…to hurt anybody…" Mika tried to protest, but Tohma raised a hand, requesting she let him finish. Tohma pulled the string dangling beside him, pulling blue curtains tightly shut. "The people out therecan't see us now, but they wouldn't have wanted to anyway. Everyone is shut up in their little worlds, tiny bubbles where they can't consider anybody else. They don't think about how they hurt other people, even if they know they are. But the bubbles pop, and then they are able to see what they've done. Maybe it would be even better if people popped their own bubbles. Then, they would be able to see when they were hurting other people, and stop. You know? Maybe that would be even better then having no emotions." Tohma gazed wistfully at the shuttered window. "My bubble's popped, but it's far too late."
"Did you do it again?"
Tohma's head dropped to his chest, and he struggled to speak as his words stuck in his throat. Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply and finally spoke calmly. "Yes, yes I did. He was drunk, he almost forced himself on me. But I wanted to, so that's not really important."
There was a cruel silence. Please, say anything. Anything! Tohma became fascinated with the multifaceted carpet under his feet. Eyes glazing over, he continued to stare relentlessly downward. They both waited for the other to speak, a fake, sticky politeness wafting through the air.
Finally, Tohma decided Mika must be waiting for something more. Stuttering slightly, he finally managed to continue. "I-I sent him away. He is going to go get Shindo from America. I'm sure Shindo will never let me see him. Even if he does, Eiri will have someone better, and he won't want me anymore. So you won't…have to worry about…your wayward husband…with somebody else… Because he's the only other person…besides you…I really want…" Tohma looked at the ceiling as if wishing it would send him a reprieve of some kind. Of any kind. Tears pooled over in his eyes, finally trickling down his face andonto his suit. "…and he'll never touch me again. I've…made sure of that…I'm sorry…I've been so…selfish." Nearly trancelike, Tohma turned his head towards Mika and gazed into her dry, wide eyes.
Mika released a heavy sigh and ran her hand through her hair. "Yes, yes you have. I…don't know what to do." She stood up, stepped shyly over to him, and hesitantly reached for his hand. Placing his hand over her stomach, she smiled slightly and leaned her head on his chest. "I don't think you do either. So just hold me…and our baby."
"Ok…" Tohma whispered, awkwardly sliding his arms around her. Breathing into her hair, he continued to cry silently, heedless of the saltwater that clung to his wife's tresses. "I don't know what to do with…it-I can't…I know that I'll probably be…a bad father…and I'm afraid…that the kid won't like me…"
"Why?"
"…because I'm always away, and I never come home…and I—"
Mika smiled and drew her hands around Tohma. "—And those are irreversible characteristics?"
Opening his mouth to protest, Tohma closed it again hurriedly. They clung to each other silence for awhile, before Tohma murmured imploringly, "I'm sorry…about everything. Please don't leave me...alone…"
"Life is unpredictable. I can't promise anything. While I'm still breathing, I can tell you I'll try."
"Yes…please try."
Straight romance...not my usual style...I hope my yaoi fan readers acept this, lol! It wasn't the most fun chapter to write either. The next chapter...I've been anticipating this onesince day one. Yay, expecta fast update!Only one more chapter...so sad!
