To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 2      

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.

Hakkai

I laughed at the girl's response, and the uncertain look on her face.

What with the injuries she had sustained, "comfortable" was the last thing I had expected her to say.

But then I stopped as soon as I saw the expression on her face. She had closed her eyes tightly and was biting her lip, as though she were trying to push something out of her mind.

A wave of sadness swept over me; it had been threatening to for some time now, and I found that I could no longer keep it at bay.

It hurt, seeing this girl in such obvious pain, this girl who looked so much like my Kanan and had doubtless gone through the same things my beloved had experienced.

It hurt to imagine the kind suffering they had both had to endure.

It hurt to remember how I had failed Kanan.

Don't go thinking of her as Kanan, okay? Suddenly Gojyo's words rang in my head. I was falling apart just by looking at this girl, and I couldn't let that happen, not if I was to take care of her till she recovered.

I managed to pull myself together before the girl opened her eyes again.

Just looking at them put me through another struggle to get a handle on my emotions. Her eyes, they had this dead look in them…it was the look of someone who had already given up.

"You should have just let me die," she said softly.

"And why is that?" Finally my mask settled in its place, and I kept my voice light as I asked my question.

The girl smiled. However, her smile was a bitter one as she told me quite frankly, "Because I have nothing left to live for. I never did. I'm sorry you went through all this trouble to rescue me. I'd pay you back if I could, but I have nothing to give."
I just continued to smile, the way I usually did. "Well, perhaps you could pay me back by deciding your life is worth living after all."
The girl looked startled at my reply, but then she said softly, "Maybe."

It didn't sound at all like a hopeful 'maybe'; it was more like the kind of 'maybe' you give someone when you're reluctant to say no.

I decided to leave it at that anyway. Given time, she might just change her mind. Hopefully.

Then I realized I hadn't told her my name.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Cho Hakkai."

"My name is Yokan," the girl replied. "I'm not sure of my last name, though."
"Are you hungry?" I asked.

"I don't know…" Yokan said, but her stomach growled in response and she looked embarrassed at this.

I chuckled and replied, "All right then, I'll make you some soup."

I could feel the girl's eyes following me as I left the room.

I closed the door then leaned against it. I ran a hand over my face and sighed. What kind of mess had I gotten myself into?

You'd think that after 15 years, I'd have moved on.  That the pain might have lessened, that I'd have healed. But on rainy nights, and especially now, I was reminded that that wasn't the case.

I may have had a million experiences, learned a million lessons, matured over the years. But somehow, there were moments when I knew my grief had barely lessened. It made me question how much I had really grown.

Could I really handle this? Being reminded of Kanan every time I saw Yokan? What if one of these days, I just suddenly went insane?
Well, in any case…it was too late now, and there was no way I was going to let myself go crazy. I had already taken the girl in, and abandoning her is the last thing I would do. I would just have to deal with it somehow.

I walked down the hallway to the kitchen.

Rays of the afternoon sunlight filtered in through the windows, and all was quiet, save for the chirping of the birds outside.

I hated it. Silence gave you too much time to think. Silence was when your thoughts pressed upon you and refused to leave you alone.

Who knows? Maybe that's why, years ago, when we were on that journey of ours, Goku and Gojyo's fights never really bothered me. Maybe that's why now, I spend almost all my time at the local school, where all I can hear is the endless chattering of my students.

Most people would have liked the silence; they would have found it peaceful, relaxing. But any real peace had been lost to me once Kanan was gone.

Peace…peace was seeing her smile, her smile which was always honest, always sincere, which never failed to light up my world. Her smile, so unlike mine, because my smiles were only a defense mechanism.

Peace was coming home to that smile. Peace was waking up with her lying in my arms. Peace was spending those quiet afternoons with her. Peace was…

I shook my head. I had to keep myself from drifting off so much. And besides, Yokan was waiting. Goodness knows that girl was all skin and bones.

Yokan

The next few days were a little strange for me.

Just a little while ago I'd been lying in a dark alleyway with the rain pouring down, waiting to die. The next thing I knew I was in some bright, sunlit room on a comfortable bed with this guy smiling down at me like there wasn't a care in the world. And then for the next few days he took care of me and watched over me like it was nothing.

I'd forgotten that people like him existed.

I knew I ought to be grateful, but…I couldn't help but think, if only I had met him sooner, before I was so ready to die. Then maybe things would be all right.

But it was too late now. Just too many things had happened, and the will to live was lost to me completely.

Still, Hakkai had already rescued me, and there was nothing more I could do. I couldn't care less what was going to happen to my life after this.

I closed my eyes again as that feeling of complete worthlessness overwhelmed me.

I gritted my teeth as I covered my ears and curled into a ball, trying to shut out the images that invaded my mind.

"Not too bad, for a half-breed," he whispered. "I could almost say you were beautiful."

I winced as I felt his hot breath against my ear.

We were both sweaty all over, sweat mixed with blood and grime and tears. My blood. My tears.

He got up and buttoned his pants, then gave my body one last kick before leaving.

I hardly felt it.

I lay on the ground, frozen, unable to do anything but stare up at the sky, which was dark with rain clouds.

My mind was still trying to process what had just happened.

I wasn't aware of anything except how unclean I was. I could scrub myself a million times, till my skin was rubbed raw, but I would still be unclean.

I felt a drop of water splash on my cheek. And then on my palm. In a matter of minutes the rain began to pour down.

I'd always liked the rain. I liked the way the rain seemed to wash the world, leaving it clean and new afterwards. Provided I wasn't outside.

Thank you rain, for at least trying to wash everything away. The sweat, the blood, the grime, the tears. But I've already been soiled.

But even then, it wasn't just that.

What was really killing me, what had killed me was that now I understood completely. I knew exactly what my mother had gone through in having me, and how she must have hated me so much. My existence alone had ruined her life, and it drove her to the point of killing herself. And she thought she was killing me, too. In that way, I felt I had cheated her of the peace she deserved.

Oh, I hated myself so much.

I felt the tears begin to flow down my cheeks.

Just then, I heard a knock at the door and realized that Hakkai was coming in.

I straightened immediately and wiped my eyes, trying to look as though I hadn't been crying.

"Good afternoon, Yokan," he said, smiling as usual. "I hope you're hungry?"

I swallowed and nodded.

"Good, you'll get better more quickly if you eat enough," he said cheerfully as he put a tray down on the bedside table.

I took the glass of water and drank, trying to make the lump in my throat go away.

Fortunately Hakkai didn't seem to notice anything, and I was grateful for that.

I just ate and continued to keep silent till the urge to cry was gone.

Then, as I was halfway through my lunch it occurred to me that from what I'd seen, Hakkai had stayed home for the last two days. Didn't he have a job or something?

 "Hakkai?" I asked. "I was just wondering, don't you have to go to work or anything? I mean…"
Hakkai smiled. "I teach at the local school. But it's the weekend, so there's no classes."

"Oh," was all I had to say to that. I'd lost track of the days of the week a long time ago.

"Speaking of which, tomorrow's a Monday, so I'll have to leave you here alone. I'll come home during lunch break to cook, but I might ask a friend to check on you too. Is that all right?"

"I guess…" I replied. "If you really want to." To be honest, I was still wondering why he was going to all this trouble for a complete stranger like me.

"It would make me feel better," Hakkai admitted.

"Why do you care so much?" I asked abruptly.

Hakkai looked pretty taken aback by the question, and I realized how ungrateful the question sounded when that wasn't really what I meant. I just really wanted to know was all. I added, "I mean, considering…" I tugged at my hair and pointed at my eyes to emphasize my point.

Hakkai chuckled, and there seemed to be a hint of relief in his face. "What you are doesn't matter to me. I don't believe in those superstitions."
I just stared at him in awe.

What was the matter with this world? All my life I'd been despised for being a taboo child. I was driven out of almost every town I entered, so that I never dared to stay long. People would throw stones at me, and, if they dared to touch me, beat me and kick me. Those who didn't kept their distance and whispered to each other while giving me furtive looks. My whole life had been like that. Then suddenly along comes this man who takes care of me and feeds me, and says it doesn't matter? The whole thing was so ironic it almost made me cry again.

Then I noticed that as I stared at him, he was looking right back at me. And despite the fact that he was still smiling, there was this look of intense sorrow in those green eyes of his. It wasn't pity. And somehow I knew that he'd been through something painful, too. There was just something in his eyes that seemed to reflect the torment I was feeling in my soul. Green eyes, greener than the grass, filled with some unknown grief. There was something very familiar about those eyes.

I felt even more bewildered as I realized this, and I also had the uncomfortable feeling that he was reading every single thing that was going on in my head.

I looked away, feeling very awkward, and he seemed to come back to himself too. The sound of his uneasy laughter shattered the silence in the room.

"I seem to have drifted off," he remarked, putting a hand behind his head sheepishly. "Well…please excuse me while I wash the dishes."

But then as he bent down to pick up the tray, our eyes met again. This time, however, as he smiled his eyes seemed to reassure me that whatever had just happened back there, it was all right.

I almost smiled back as this wave of relief washed over me and the awkwardness in the room was gone as he walked out the door and closed it behind him.

A/N: Well…I really hope you enjoyed that chapter! I'm sorry I took forever to update, but I've been having difficulty battling my writer's block, PLUS I just finished Chapter 2 when a virus came up in my folder and I had to delete everything to get rid of it!! NOOOOOO!!! So I had to start all over again. I'm still not entirely happy with the way this chapter came out, but after rewriting it thrice I decided to just post it and see what you guys think. I hope this chapter doesn't drag or anything…Comments and criticisms are very much welcome, so long as it's constructive! ^_^ Oh and by the way, thanks so much for your reviews everyone, they made my day! (week, actually)

Dream-eater-is-hungry: Thanks! ^_^

Winged Nothingness: Hey, update your fic soon, ok?

h@d0wGrl: Like I've said, update your fic soon please! (gosh I am such a hypocrite)

UltraM2000: Glad you think so! About the age difference, what did you mean by 7 years? But anyways I'm going to try and answer that question in the next chapter = ) By the way, I loved Smile of the Father!! I'll get around to reading your other fics soon! And read The Dark Is Rising!!

Firnheledien: Yay! I'm definitely trying to avoid turning Yokan into a Mary-Sue…I have to admit that was a problem with a Dark Is Rising fic I wrote…

Alowl: Wow, I'm flattered! ^_^

Leshi: Yup! Just so you know, Sanzo and Goku really do come into the fic later on.

yorokabi ^^: *points* KIM! Why did you not attend fencing classes?! *grabs Sanzo's fan, then changes her mind and pokes Kim non-stop with her fencing sword*

Battle Mynt: Yeah, I know… I need to work on my descriptions *sweatdrop* ^_^