To Live or Not To Live
Chapter 3
Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.
A/N: Whew, I finally got this chapter out! Well, actually two chapters; I meant to put it all in 1 chapter but it ended up reaching 10 pages, so I split it into two. There's just a couple of things I had to get down before I got to Gojyo, so I hope this doesn't drag, and that I'm not suffocating you guys with all this angst ^_^;
And also, you should know I was just too lazy to check these two chapters as obsessively as I did with the previous ones, so I'll correct any mistakes, big or small as soon as I can. I guess I was just kind of excited to post this already.
So…again I hope you enjoy the next two chapters, thanks so much for all your reviews!
Hakkai
I didn't entirely understand what had just happened back there; all I knew was that when Yokan stared at me, I thought it was just because of what I said.
But then this look of comprehension came into her eyes, and she gazed at me as though she saw something entirely new.
In fact I had the feeling that she'd realized something about me just by looking into my eyes, and that unsettled me a bit.
I had to wonder, what had she seen in my eyes that had made her stare so?
Did she see the eyes of a murderer, who had the blood of a thousand demons on his hands? Did she see the eyes of a man who had committed incest, and paid dearly for it?
Yes, sometimes I thought I lost Kanan not because I wasn't strong enough, but because of my sins. Because I'd always deserved it. It seemed that no matter how I looked at it the blame always came back to me, and not only I but Kanan had paid the price. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of self-hate, and I knew it.
I also knew Gojyo would be irked if he found out, but I couldn't seem to help it.
I sighed again for what must have been the hundredth time that day.
For the past
few days I really couldn't seem to stop thinking of Kanan.
Partly because of Yokan, and partly
because what with the silence that came with staying home, there was hardly
anything to distract me from my thoughts.
My only respite was in the books I'd collected over the years. But even then,
some of them reminded me of Kanan.
"So…this is the place," Gojyo said, looking up at the house. He then turned to me. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes," I said, gazing at the door. I noted the new, probably more secure lock underneath the doorknob. Pity I hadn't thought of that, I thought wryly.
Yes, this was the house I had once shared with Kanan. Now that our long journey was over, I felt I had to return to this place before I settled down again somewhere else. It was just something I had to do.
However, seeing this place again pained me, and Gojyo had seen that and become concerned. This house had held so many happy memories for me…and one nightmare that overshadowed the rest.
I took a deep breath, then walked up to the door and knocked.
As I waited I could hear sounds of activity going on inside, children's voices in particular.
"Hiroshi, please stop tugging your sister's hair!" someone scolded.
Then the door opened and the woman who
had opened it gave me a strange look. "Hello, how may I help you?"
"Good afternoon, I'm Cho Ha – Cho
Gono. I used to live here a few years ago, and I was
wondering if you still have any of my old possessions?" I asked.
As soon as she heard my name, the woman's expression changed from suspicion to sympathy, and she said, "Yes, please come in. We're still using your furniture, but somet of your things are still up in the attic."
"Thank you," I said. "This is my friend, Sha Gojyo."
"Good afternoon, ma'am," Gojyo smiled at the woman in a way that was almost
seductive. "Pleased to meet you."
The woman raised an eyebrow, then stepped back to let us in.
I walked into the room, and from that moment on every minute was a struggle to contain myself. I could see Kanan everywhere, and memories flooded into my mind so that I was almost felt dizzy.
"This way, please," the woman said, and she led us up the stairs.
I didn't need her to show me the way; I knew exactly where the attic was. I'd lived here once, after all. But I let her lead me anyway; I expected she wouldn't want to leave a complete stranger wandering around the house, even if it was just the previous owner.
"Well, here it is," she opened the door
to the attic. "Take your time, I'll be downstairs if
you need anything."
"Thank you," I smiled politely and bowed.
She nodded in reply and went down the stairs.
Gojyo looked at me expectantly, and I went inside, stooping so that my head wouldn't hit the low ceiling.
It was dark in the attic, the only light showing through a few small holes in the roof. There was a dusty smell in the air, and the floor was covered in dirt so that as I walked I made footprints.
I formed a ki ball in my hand so I could see better.
There were two boxes and a wooden chest; I recognized it as the one that held all my old books.
I opened the chest and was greeted with the smell of paper and more dust.
I heard Gojyo sneeze as he bent down beside me.
"Do you need a handkerchief?" I asked, knowing he was a little allergic to dust.
"No thanks," he said, wiping his nose with one hand. "I got it under control."
I turned back to the chest.
Yes, it was still all there.
The first thing I saw was two copies of Gensomaden Saiyuki, and at this I gave a small smile.
One was nearly falling apart; the pages old and yellow, the cover barely hanging on to the spine.
I used to read this book so often that when I left the orphanage the nuns let me keep it as a sort of goodbye present.
The second copy looked a lot newer; the cover was dusty, but no damage had been done to it, and the pages were just beginning to turn yellow. This one had been given to me by Kanan on my 19th birthday, after she saw the condition the first copy was in.
I closed the chest.
"Well, here it is," I said, turning to Gojyo and smiling. "This is what I came back for."
Gojyo gazed at me for a couple of seconds, then said, "Okay then, let's go."
I shook myself out of the flashback. I ended up donating everything but the chest to charity. That chest was in a corner of my room, beside a bookshelf.
Later that night, as I was about to go to bed I heard a loud thud from Yokan's room.
I opened the door and found her lying in a fetal position on the floor, tangled among the blankets. She was sobbing, loud sobs that seemed to wrench themselves out of her. Her eyes were tightly closed.
I rushed to her side and bent over her.
"Yokan, what's wrong?" I asked as I pulled her up into a sitting position.
I pushed her hair away from her face, which was covered in sweat and tears.
"My mother hates me!" she cried out.
"What?"
Yokan just continued to cry, so I drew her into my
arms and let her lean against me as I tried to calm her down.
"Why does she hate you?"
"I ruined her
life!" Yokan replied. "It was so bad she killed
herself!"
My eyes widened in shock and my heart skipped a beat. Once again I saw Kanan in her prison cell, and the look on her face as she
slit her own throat.
I looked down, but all I could see was the blood-red hair on Yokan's head as she buried her face in my chest, her hands clutching my shirt.
She was so obviously distressed, her body shaking with sobs, all of her just crying out for comfort – and suddenly I felt a protective instinct take over me.
"It's all right, Yokan," I said softly as I tightened my embrace. "It's going to be all right. Shh, things will be better tomorrow morning."
I stayed there with her for several minutes, rubbing her back and whispering soothingly.
Eventually she stopped crying, her breathing evened out, and she was fast asleep.
I carefully lifted her onto the bed then tucked her in.
I gazed at her one last time, the light from the doorway falling across her face, which now looked more peaceful.
She looked beautiful, actually, with her hair falling softly around her pale face like that. And not just because she looked like Kanan.
It was a sad kind of beauty, somewhat like Gojyo's.
I wondered how many taboo children would be hated by their mothers and suffer, just like her and Gojyo.
I stood up as quietly as I could, then walked out of the room and went to bed.
Yokan
I woke up the next morning feeling as though I'd sleep-walked. I'd had a series of dreams that night, some scary, some just plain weird…I couldn't even remember them all. But one dream was clear in my mind…just thinking about it made me want to cover my ears.
I heard this awful scream...long, and filled with anguish. It echoed around the place, wherever I was.
I lay in the shadows, and I was vaguely aware that someone was holding me against their chest, keeping me safe, making sure I wouldn't be seen.
Not far from where we hid, there was a woman. She lay on the floor, blood gushing out of her neck, a bitter smile on her face.
Suddenly I felt this impulse to cry, and I was just about to wail when the person covered my mouth and said something about having to be quiet.
The scream continued to echo, never ending, always filled with grief. It rang in my ears, and the person held me more tightly. Still the scream went on…
I shuddered at the thought of it. I wondered what could have caused me to have such a dream. But that wasn't all that puzzled me.
I somehow recalled Hakkai coming into my room last night, but I didn't know why. It could have been just another dream.
Just then I heard the door crack open slowly.
I knew right away it wasn't Hakkai – the guy always knocks before coming in.
I sat up
quickly, my body tensing as the door was pushed open, inch by inch. What the…?
"Kyu!" Suddenly this little
white head popped around the door. It had pointy ears, this little snout with
tiny white fangs, horns and two beady black eyes.
I let out a yell of surprise and jerked backwards, bumping the wall in the process. I winced in pain as I hit a couple of the bruises on my back.
At the same time that thing, whatever it was, gave a startled "Kyu!" and disappeared from behind the door.
"What in the world was that?" I wondered as I rubbed my elbow, which I had also bumped against the wall.
I saw the little creature poke its head around the door again, and this time I noticed it had a long neck with ridges running along it.
A dragon? My guess proved to be correct as the creature flew into the room, paused, then landed on my lap. I just stared down at it, wondering whether I ought to be afraid. But then it looked down at me and gave a questioning, "Kyu?"
I lifted my hand and slowly ran my fingers along its neck, hoping it wouldn't bite or breathe fire at me. Soon enough I was stroking his chin and we both relaxed, satisfied that neither one would hurt the other.
Still I looked down at it in wonder. I'd never seen a dragon, let alone such a small one, before.
"Hello," I
said softly, "What are you doing here? Do you know Hakkai?"
At that moment there was a knock at the door and Hakkai
himself came in.
For some reason, despite how awful I felt I found myself giving him a tentative smile. He looked pretty surprised at that one, but in the end he smiled back, as always.
"Good morning," he said. "I see you've meet Hakuryu."
"Is he your
dragon?" I asked. "I've heard of some people keeping dragons for
transportation, but, um…"
Hakkai laughed. "Oh, you should see some of the
things Hakuryu can do. In fact, he's really the one
who found you, not me. If not for him I would have passed by without noticing a
thing."
"Well…" I looked down at Hakuryu for the third time. "I guess I should be grateful to you, huh?" To be honest I was still feeling a little doubtful.
Yes, I owed this man and his dragon my life, but, well, by now you know what I thought my life was worth.
Then I remembered my dream again and I asked, "Hakkai, did I wake you up last night? Because I think you came into my room, but I don't know, it might have been some sort of dream."
Hakkai glanced at me in surprise. "Don't you remember?"
I gave him a perplexed look.
"I was about to go to bed when I heard you…sobbing, so I came in and you were sprawled across the bed. I asked you what was wrong and you cried out, "My mother hates me!'. You seemed so upset, so I stayed with you till you went back to sleep." His eyes were filled with concern as he looked at me, his expression showing clearly that he was more than ready to listen if there was anything I wanted to tell him.
But I just gawked at him – I wanted to hit myself for telling him such a thing, even if I didn't remember saying it. And for causing him so much trouble again. I wondered how long had he stayed in my room.
"No," I replied. "All I remember is having a really ba – weird dream, and waking up just now."
Still he waited, and I realized he expected me to tell him about the dream.
I remembered the look in his eyes the day before, when I'd sensed that in some way he'd been through an equal amount of pain.
However, I still didn't really want to tell him anything just yet, and for some reason that made me feel guilty. Still…
"I wonder why I can't remember," I added lamely.
For a split
second I sensed disappointment in him and that did nothing to ease the guilty
feeling I was having. But then the
second was gone and he said, "Hmm…I do recall that your eyes were closed the
whole time… so maybe you were talking in your sleep?"
"Probably," I replied. "But then how come I remember you coming in? Oh well," I
shrugged it off.
"In any case it was just a dream," Hakkai agreed.
I almost melted in relief. He was letting it go, for now.
"You should eat already, otherwise your breakfast will get cold."
I nodded.
"Thanks, Hakkai."
"You're welcome," Hakkai replied, smiling. "Now if
you'll excuse me I have to get ready for school."
"Sure." I watched him as he closed the door.
Then I remembered. Hakkai said a friend of his would be coming today since Hakkai wouldn't be there himself.
I was curious
to see who this 'friend' of his was but…well, for some reason I felt a little
uneasy about it. That couldn't be good…
A/N: Well…I hope this chapter wasn't too terrible, any OOCness, unwell thought-of lines, grammatical errors, stupid mistakes…will be checked by tomorrow. I hope you guys didn't mind…ruishi if you read this, well, after reading your author's notes I thought 'what the heck?! Might as well do the same.'
Thanks to UltraM2000 for pointing out my error
last time! Just to clarify, Yokan's
15 years old, so it's been exactly 15 years since Kanan
died, and 12 years since the Sanzo-ikkou started out
on their journey. I don't know how long it took them to complete their journey,
though.
So there, that's it! ^_^
Anyways, on to the next chapter!
