To Live or Not To Live
Chapter 5
Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but Yokan and the plot of this story do. Period.
Gojyo
"Ah," was all she said in reply.
Just then it occurred to me that I hadn't had a cigarette in two hours, and I was sure craving one now.
"I guess I'm not supposed to smoke here since you're sick?" I said disgustedly.
Yokan raised an eyebrow.
"You can if you want to," she said. "It's not like I'm asthmatic or anything."
I lit a cigarette and breathed in, long and deep. Then I breathed out and watched as the smoke flew out of my mouth. Sweet relief.
My body relaxed in the chair, all the tension seemingly drifting away, and I let my eyes wander around the room.
I hadn't been in this room very often, except for the rare occasion in which I was so drunk that Hakkai let me stay in his house. Either way, I never paid much attention to it.
But now that I did, I saw that the room was sparsely furnished, just like the rest of Hakkai's house. The bed stood against the wall in one corner, across the room from the door, and next to it was a bedside table. On the left side of the room was a desk matching the chair I now sat on, with papers piled on top of it. And beside the desk were two bookshelves, crammed with – you guessed it – books. This room probably doubled as his study. Light streamed in from two windows on either side of the room.
Just then Yokan's voice broke the silence, bringing me out of my thoughts.
"What exactly has Hakkai been telling you?"
"What?" I raised my eyes to look at her.
"You said 'the famous Yokan I've heard so much about'. That means Hakkai's been talking about me, doesn't it?"
"I suppose," I replied noncommittally.
There was a long silence.
"Well?"
I noticed that Yokan's eyes were absolutely focused on me now, as though she were looking for the answer on my face. She was even leaning forward slightly, her hands clutching the edge of the bed.
I found it to be pretty comical, and I smirked. "Didn't your mother teach you it's not polite to stare?"
That annoyed the hell out of her. She threw her head back and gave an irritated sigh. "She didn't live to teach me anything, if you must know," she began to snap, but right in the middle of her sentence she seemed to realize what she was saying and her voice shook as she finished. She bit her lip and looked away.
I felt the gloom settle over the room immediately and was reasonably surprised.
"Um – I'm sorry to hear about that," I said quickly. Oh, smooth. Real smooth. Where the hell was Hakkai when you needed him?
"Yeah, it's okay," she replied quietly, still not looking at me. "What really sucks is it's my fault."
"You don't know that," I heard myself say.
Yokan met my gaze and smiled bitterly. "Oh don't I? She killed herself because of me. Because she had me. She thought she was killing me too, you know, her grief made her so delirious she forgot she already gave birth to me. She couldn't take it coz my demon father kidnapped her and raped her like he did to a lot of other girls. And now I know exactly how she felt because I was raped too. Just last Thursday, you know!" The words flowed out of her mouth in a steady stream till she was blurting them out.
It took me a couple of seconds to absorb what I had just heard, and I stared at her in shock.
Damn Hakkai for leaving me alone with this kid! But then again, I was the one who agreed to it…
But then again, I knew how she felt. On some level, anyway.
But before I could think of anything to say, she buried her face in her hands and said, "Oh no, I'm so sorry, I really shouldn't have said all that, I just snapped and dumped it all on you like that, I'm so sorry…"
Her voice faded away and I grinned wryly. "A little too late for that, I think. But don't worry about it, it's my fault for hitting a nerve. Besides," I added more gravely, "I know how you feel, in a way. My mother hated me too."
Yokan looked up at me in surprise. "She did? What for?"
I leaned back in my chair again, took another drag from my cigarette. "When someone beats you up and yells at you to die, you get the point pretty quickly," I said dryly. "She wasn't really my mother, actually; just the only one I knew. I was the product of an affair between my father and his human mistress, and I reminded her too much of them both. Just looking at me drove her crazy. She almost killed me too, in fact, except that my half-brother killed her before she succeeded. Then he went off and disappeared."
Yokan was appalled. "How could you just talk about it so casually like that? Doesn't it hurt?"
"It's been years since that happened. I saw my brother again, both of us have accepted our pasts and moved on. You will, too, someday," I replied. "There now, we're even. But tell me, how did you survive if your mother died?"
Yokan sighed. "It's a really long story…"
"We've got lots of time."
Yokan glanced at me one last time before she began, and I saw the empty look Hakkai had described earlier.
"After my mother gave birth to me, my father had her returned to her cell and I was left under the care of the midwife. A few days after, my uncle went to rescue my mother and killed all the demons in the castle in the process. But before he could stop her," Yokan's eyes flashed bitterly, "My mother took his knife and slit her throat. The castle was destroyed soon afterwards, and the midwife fled. She took me to the village where she'd been born and raised me. She was an old woman, you know, and she had children and grandchildren. They refused to visit her or even talk to her unless she abandoned me, though, because I was a taboo child and the child of an evil monster who had caused the village a lot of suffering. So she spent twelve years alone, taking care of me. But then she fell sick, and I did everything I could think of to make her better. But she died anyway, and when she did, her family came. They blamed me for her death." Her voice cracked and she swallowed. "I remember exactly what they said to me. They called me an ungrateful wretch who brought misfortune on Oba-san even after everything she did for me. They drove me out of the village, and I've been wandering from place to place ever since. In case you're wondering, I found out about my mother because I took her journal before her family drove me away. It would have been better if I hadn't, though," Yokan looked down again, so that her bangs hid her eyes.
I stared at her. I knew I should have felt even worse for her than I already did then, but I was too busy trying to figure out the alarms that were going off in my head. This story just sounded way too familiar to ignore…particularly the part about her uncle.
And then it hit me. Could it be…Hakkai? My mind practically reeled in confusion. But that was impossible!
There was another long silence.
I glanced at Yokan. She was still looking down, lost in her own depressing thoughts. Her hair, slightly messy, hung over her shoulder in one braid. Blood red, just like mine. Her shoulders were slumped, her hands still clutching the edge of the bed. Everything about her projected emptiness and despair.
Could she really be…? Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions here.
I opened my mouth, but the only sound that came out was a croak.
Yokan didn't notice.
I cleared my throat, and she looked up, again in surprise. This girl seemed to have a knack for drifting off.
"Just wondering," I said, trying to sound casual, "Did you know what your uncle's name was?"
"Sure I do," Yokan replied, giving me a strange look. "Cho Gonou."
Despite the state of shock I was in, I still managed to ask one more question.
"Yokan…" I said slowly, "…if you met your uncle, what would you do?"
Yokan cast her eyes down at the floor. "I wouldn't know how to face him," she whispered.
A few minutes later I walked out of that house completely dazed. I was still trying to believe what I'd just heard.
And…how on earth was Hakkai going to take this once he found out? How was I supposed to tell him?
Hakkai
Sad to say, I let my anxiety get the better of me. As a result of this, I rushed through the lesson with my last class before lunch.
"Any more questions?" I asked. I was met with the usual blank stares.
"All right then," I replied, smiling. "We have only five minutes left before lunch, so I suppose I can dismiss you early."
Of course the class had no objection to that and cheered.
As for me, I bid them goodbye, then rushed out the door and down the hallways of the school with Hakuryu flying just behind me. As soon as we were out of the building he transformed into a jeep, and we sped off.
We got home in record time, Hakuryu screeching to a halt in front of the house. Some of the passersby gave me strange looks as I leaped over the car door, using one arm as a support and strode quickly to the door.
I could feel my heart thumping against my chest as I put my hand on the doorknob. I found myself muttering a short prayer despite myself, despite the fact that anyone kidnapping Yokan was highly unlikely. I swallowed and threw the door open.
Silence. No broken vases, no overturned tables or chairs. Everything was just as I had left it.
I breathed a sigh of relief and shook my head, feeling a bit foolish. However, the paranoia wasn't completely gone. Not just yet.
By this time Hakuryu had changed back into a dragon and landed softly on my shoulder.
Stroking his head, I proceeded down the hallway and knocked.
"Hakkai?" Yokan's voice called from inside.
"Yes, it's me," I replied as I opened the door.
"Hey," she greeted me.
Yes, there she was, safe and sound. And I could tell from the smell of smoke lingering in the air that Gojyo had kept his promise. I let myself relax.
"Umm…" she paused, as though she had to think of what to say. "Nice friend you have."
I chuckled. "Not exactly what you were expecting?"
"NO," Yokan said flatly. "Not in the least. Still…he was all right."
Here a thoughtful expression occupied her face, and I had to wonder just what had gone on during Gojyo's visit. I made a mental note to ask him about it sometime.
"Was it your first time, seeing someone like yourself?" I asked gently, sitting down on the chair beside her bed.
Yokan nodded. "It was…pretty weird for me."
"Gojyo's been through some things too, you know," I told her.
Yokan nodded again. "Yes, I know. He told me."
I had some difficulty in hiding my surprise. Yes, something must have happened here, for Gojyo to tell her about his past in just one afternoon. "I see," I replied. "By the way, Yokan, I've been meaning to ask you for some time…is there anyone who might be looking for you? Family…?"
Yokan shook her head. "No. I've been meaning to tell you, what I said in my sleep was true. I've been on my own for three years now."
The empty expression crossed her face, but then she seemed to push it away and gave me a small smile. It was very similar to the kind of smile I plastered onto my face everyday, and it was slightly disconcerting to see it on someone else.
"I guess you'll want to know about that dream I had?" she asked.
I smiled back. "Only if you feel like telling me. It's fine if you don't."
"All right then," her smile slowly faded into a more serious expression, and she stared into space as she spoke. "I know I had a lot of dreams last night, actually, but this is the only one I can remember. I was someplace dark, and I could feel someone holding my tight against my chest. I would have felt safe, but…there was this awful scream. I think it was a man's. It just wouldn't stop, it felt like it was going to go on forever. And it was filled with so much pain…and a few feet away from us was the dead body of a woman. She had a knife in her hand, and somehow I knew she'd slit her own throat. I don't remember anymore how her face looked like, but…I think it was my mother." Yokan's voice cracked and she swallowed. She glanced away for a moment, then smiled that small smile again. "It was more of a nightmare, really."
I realized that little by little, Yokan was learning to hide her pain behind a smile. But I didn't want her to become like me. It made things easier, yes, but for some reason I didn't want her to be that way.
And suddenly…I felt this urge to let her stay. She didn't have anywhere else to go, after all, and I couldn't just let her go wandering again. But then again…could I handle it? Did I have what it would take to raise a 15 year-old?
I shook my head inwardly. This was getting too complicated.
The only thing I knew for sure right now was that I wanted this girl to be happy. I wanted her to learn to smile for real; a sincere and honest smile, like Kanan's. Not like mine.
In the end, I said nothing of this to Yokan. I just put a comforting hand on her shoulder, smiled and said, "Well, thank you for telling me. But you know, I doubt your mother killed herself because of you. Maybe it was just because someone failed to protect her. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go make our lunch."
Yokan gave me a puzzled look, but I just continued to smile as I stood up and left the room.
The rest of the day was rather uneventful after that. I ate my lunch with Yokan in her room, then left for school. Uneventful, that is, until I walked out of the building to find Gojyo waiting for me.
A/N: Hmm, wonder why Hakkai said that? hint hint Anyways, you'll see in the next chapter!
Sorry I took so long to post AGAIN, but something's gone horribly wrong with our computer, some stupid virus is blocking off the Internet access. So I have to make do with my sister's laptop, and she only comes home once a week. hands out coffee pie to everyone as compensation Try it, it's really good!
Anyways…is it great, is it just okay or does it really stink (the chapter, not the pie)? I'm not really that happy with how this chapter came out, but I've gone over this chapter about three times already, so it may be just me. So, please review and tell me what you think, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks!
