To Live or Not To Live
Chapter 6
Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but Yokan and the plot of this story do. Period.
A/N: Well, at long last, Chapter 5! Just warning you, though, the content near the end of this chapter is kind of dark, some might find it disturbing. Well, I'm not sure if it's THAT bad, but just in case…
Hakkai
The rest of the day was rather uneventful after that. I ate with Yokan in her room, then left for school.
Uneventful, that is, until after dismissal.
I walked out of the school and spotted Gojyo pacing back and forth on the sidewalk. He stopped and yelled something in frustration, but I didn't quite catch what he said.
A few of the students did, however, and they gave him furtive looks, keeping their distance as they passed.
"Gojyo?" I called.
He turned around, spotted me and froze.
I threw him a puzzled look as I started towards him.
"Gojyo, what's wrong?" I asked as soon as I reached him. I grew concerned when I saw the troubled look on his face.
He swallowed. "Listen, Hakkai," he said hesitantly. "There's something I've got to tell you. It's about Yokan."
I became grave as I said, "What is it?"
"I'm not
really sure I should be telling you this…" Gojyo said
slowly, "But here goes. Yokan, she's Kanan's child. With the demon."
His face was creased in anxiety as he gazed at me, waiting for my reaction.
As for me, I gazed back at him in surprise for a moment. Then my shoulders sagged and I sighed. "So it's true. I've had my suspicions for a while now, but I didn't quite fully believe them."
Gojyo just gaped at me, and for a second I honestly thought his eyes would pop out of their sockets.
"You KNEW?!" he cried. "Ch, I could've just saved myself the anxiety! Here I was, going nuts the whole afternoon trying to decide whether to tell you or let you find out for yourself!!"
I laughed nervously.
"Ahahaha," Gojyo mimicked, crossing his arms and leaning sulkily against the lamppost.
"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "I really do appreciate it, though. But how did you find out? From what I've heard, you seem to have had a rather interesting morning."
Now it was Gojyo's turn to be sheepish. "Let's just say I hit a nerve,
and she ended up blurting it out at me. Then before I knew it she was
apologizing and blaming herself, just like someone I know. So I decided to tell
her about my own happy childhood. Sort of to make things
even."
I ignored the hint and smiled wryly. "I should have known it would be something
like that."
Gojyo shrugged. "What can I say? I can't stand a lady in distress. Not that she acts much like one. But I managed to find out how she's stayed alive all this time. The midwife managed to escape with her before the castle burned down and took her home. The relatives didn't take it well, though, Yokan being what she was and a child of the clan that'd been terrorizing their village for so long. When the old woman died they blamed it on her and tossed her out."
I nodded. "Yes, that explains the nightmare she had. And she did tell me that she's been wandering for three years now."
"So…" Gojyo looked at me, "What are you going to do now? You do realize she's your niece and all."
"I don't know," I replied, gazing back at him. "It really depends on what she wants, I suppose. So I will have to tell her, sooner or later. I don't know what she'll think." I held up my palms and looked at them as I added quietly, "I did kill her family, after all."
I heard Gojyo sigh in frustration. "Hakkai, you have to quit blaming yourself for these things," he said firmly. "I'm getting to think this kind of thing runs in your family. Yokan seems to think Kanan's death is her fault, which we both know is perfectly ridiculous. So stop it."
I merely smiled and replied, "I wasn't really blaming myself. I was only stating facts."
I started off towards home, and Gojyo got up and walked beside me.
"If Yokan's on her mother's side, the way she seems to be, I doubt she thinks of that clan as 'family'," he added. "But I think you should know…she's kind of…afraid of Gonou. But it's not because of what he did. Well – partly, maybe. But from how she said it, she sounded ashamed of herself. 'I wouldn't know how to face him' were her exact words, and she even hung her head while she said it. Hey – " Gojyo looked around, "– where's Hakuryu?"
"Oh – I left him at home with Yokan, so she'd have company," I explained sheepishly.
Gojyo smirked. "Ch, Uncle Hakkai is so sweet."
I just chuckled awkwardly. "Now, is it really like that?"
And so we walked home in companionable silence, the sun setting over the buildings behind us, throwing shades of red and orange and pink over everything.
Yokan
As soon as Hakkai left the room, I flopped back on the pillows and sighed.
"Yokan, what is going on with you today?" I asked out loud. "You say things on impulse, you tell your life's story to people you barely know, you smile when you don't mean it…"
Why did I do that? I wondered. Was it because I didn't want Hakkai to be concerned? Since when has anyone worried about me?
It really was weird…suddenly having someone be concerned about my welfare. I'd always believed someone with such a cursed existence as mine didn't deserve that.
But then there was Gojyo.
Despite how his mother had hated him, he still seemed to believe he could live, that he deserved to. And he thought someday, I could change my mind too.
That I could live a normal life, just like any whole human or demon?
Despite everything, despite how worthless and unclean I felt?
"Kyu!" I started as Hakuryu flew over, settling himself beside me and craning his neck to look at me.
"Oh, hey, Hakuryu," I said. "Sorry, I kind of forgot you were there.
I hope you're not insulted, I really do drift off a
lot when I'm alone. Well – I've been alone for three years already, so all I
can do is think to get my mind off my stomach. But then…I was never really bored, you know. I was too busy trying
to find food for that. Now, though, thanks to Hakkai I'm perfectly well-fed and all I have to do is lie
in bed and wait for all the bruises and cuts to heal, not to mention my
blood-transfusion. I might as well be bored to death, the way I'm going…what
with all the silence, I really have nothing better to do than hate myself."
I guess people might find it strange I was chatting with a dragon about my
depressing life, but Hakkai seemed to talk to Hakuryu without thinking twice about it, and Hakuryu definitely seemed intelligent enough to understand
everything I was saying. And even now it was clear he was listening – not in
the cute, perked-up ears, tilted-head way that some peoples' dogs do – but
really just looking at me and listening the way a person would.
And now, after hearing what I said, he seemed to give me a particularly sharp look.
I laughed cheerlessly. "Excuse my sarcasm."
Hakuryu stood up, flapped his winds and flew over to the other side of the room, landing on one of many stacks of books taking up the floor in front of a bookshelf.
"Kyu!"
I understood what he meant at once.
"I've never
been much of a reader," I said thoughtfully. "But what the
hey? I never had any books, that's why. Might as well do something while I'm here."
I got up slowly and carefully, bracing myself against the head board.
I didn't want to get all dizzy and tired like I had this morning – the thing with lying in bed for more than two days is that your legs sort of forget how to walk properly.
I picked up the first book I saw and started reading it – it happened to be Greek mythology. It was pretty interesting, but kind of gruesome – the first story I read was about a man named Edipus. He accidentally married his mother without knowing it, and when they both found out he tore his eyes out because he couldn't bear to look at his children, while his mother committed suicide.
Later in the afternoon Hakkai came home, along with Gojyo. He seemed pretty happy I started (or even knew how to) reading, and he began talking about all the books he could lend me.
And, well…when I saw the two of them together, it really struck me how big the contrast between them was. But then, at the same time they kind of fit. Just by looking at them you could tell they'd been friends for a very long time.
Then Gojyo asked me what I was looking at, if he was really that gorgeous.
Hakkai laughed at the look on my face as I replied in disgust, "You wish! I'm just wondering why you've got a white hair over there. You can't be a day over forty, can you?"
"What?!" Gojyo's hands flew to his hair as his eyes widened in alarm. "Where? Pull it out! Hey, how dare you say I'm forty?! For your information, I'm only thirty-three!"
"Thirty-four, actually, as of last November," said Hakkai.
I just sat back and let Gojyo agonize over the imaginary white hair for the next twenty minutes, till he finally saw the grin on my face and realized it was all a ruse.
And so the days passed, and little by little I grew stronger, and healthier. In time I could stand up without any effort, and I had to practice walking everyday, with Gojyo's help. Geez, I never thought that could happen to me. It was like being a baby all over again.
In the meantime, Hakkai took it upon himself to make me catch up with the 3 years of school I'd missed. And believe me, he MADE me catch up. He may seem like a nice and gentle person who as a teacher would let you off easy, but really, when it comes down to it he's actually a slave driver. He piled all kinds of school work on me, smiling all the while.
I learned pretty quickly that if he smiled a certain kind of smile, it meant he wasn't really listening to all your protests and he wasn't gonna budge.
Well, I had nothing better to do, and it saved me from boredom, so I couldn't exactly protest.
Everything kind of fell into a pattern after that. In the morning Hakkai'd eat with me, give me homework for the whole day then leave for school. I'd read all the books he assigned to me and drag through the exercises. Then sometime in the middle of the day, give thanks and rejoice! Gojyo would come and I could stop, and then we'd play POKER! (or any other card games he taught me) I was getting better at it too, and I even beat him a couple of times (much to his horror). Then Hakkai would come home for lunch and after that it was sigh back to my studies again.
I really didn't get what he was making me do all this for, but then again I was in his house, eating his food, not to mention that monstrous doctor's bill, so I might as well just do what he wanted.
And everything was fine, more or less. Once in a while I wondered what he was going to do with me after I'd completely recovered.
Truth be told, I felt really uncomfortable owing someone that much when the debt couldn't be repaid. Well…Hakkai was subtly forcing me into living, and while I still didn't agree with that I kind of had to love (and pity) him for it. Why on earth was he wasting all this effort on someone like me anyway?
But then, at some point, all this had to end, somehow. And it did, one day. I guess curiosity killed the cat again.
"Hakkai?" I poked my head out into the hallway.
"Yes, Yokan?" Hakkai had just dashed out of his room, folders in hand, and I caught him in mid-run. He looked pretty flustered; seemed he was running late.
"I can't find that Math book, Beginning Algebra? The purple one?"
"Try looking in my room, I think I might have used the answer key to check homework. I have to go now, I'll see you at lunch!" And with that he rushed out of the house. I could hear Hakuryu's tires screeching as he left.
I sighed and walked into Hakkai's room. Two particularly large shelves took up one wall of his room. It took some time to search through them, and it made me cringe, thinking of how much work I could have done by then. Finally I concluded that no, the book was not in those shelves. Maybe I ought to give up and start on History…
I groaned inwardly. In my opinion, solving equations wasn't quite as bad as having to memorize all those useless dates.
Then a brown object caught the corner of my eye, and I turned to see a chest sitting beside one of the bookshelves. Well…it was worth a try.
I knelt down in front of it and lifted the lid.
Nope, no Math book.
Books, but old ones. Journey To The West, Journey To The West…Hakkai must really like this book if he had two copies of it. One looked as though it would crumble at one touch, the other was also old, but in a plastic cover and kept in much better condition.
By this time, I'd kind of picked up Hakkai's love for books. So I curiously picked up the newer copy and leafed through its pages. Looks like someone gave this to Hakkai, they wrote a note on the title page.
Here, I say, is where curiosity killed the cat again. This was Hakkai's private property, and a note addressed to him and him only.
I would have, should have put it back in the chest and left it alone. You'd think I'd learned my lesson with Oba-san's diary.
But then, at the bottom of the page, the name Kanan caught my eye, and my breath hitched in my throat. Kanan? Could it be…?
Tossing my respect for Hakkai's privacy aside, I read the note. If it was my mother, I had to know. Someone had written in very neat, but small handwriting:
Dear Gonou,
Happy birthday! I think it's high time
you got a new copy of this.
Do you realize this also means we've been together for over two years? I can't
say enough how glad I am that you're with me, that neither of us is alone
anymore, and every day we spend together is precious to me. Thank you so much
for everything, Gonou. I love you!
Love,
Kanan
My heart pound in my chest and my mouth was completely dry as I read the letter. This…this was something that my mother had written, to Gonou! And, well, from the contents of the letter it was obvious they were more than just 'brother and sister'. Not that I had any right to judge, and apart from that…I was definitely having mixed feelings.
First of all, what was Hakkai doing with something of my uncle's? If something like this was in his possession, then he probably had some connection with my uncle…but what? And did he know who I was?
Confusion, suspicion, doubt.
Second, well…my mother sounded so happy when she wrote this. It was just another bitter reminder of how I'd ruined her life, and how she couldn't possibly have wanted or loved me at all.
Pain, pangs of bitterness, wistfulness, self-hate.
And when she committed suicide, that inevitably caused Gonou suffering, too. All because I'd been born. And wherever he was, I wondered if he was still hurting. I remembered what Gojyo asked me, and my reply.
I wouldn't know how to face him…
Guilt, shame, more self-hate.
My heart continued to pound in my chest, and my mind whirled. How on earth was I supposed to deal with this? Could I find the courage to ask Hakkai, once he got home? What would he say once he found out I'd gone through his stuff?
I glanced at the chest, and when I saw what had lain under the book, my heart nearly stopped.
There lay a picture of Hakkai, with a woman who looked just like me. The only difference was that she had to be about five or six years older than I was right now, and she had green eyes and brown hair, just a shade lighter than Hakkai's. As soon as I saw her I knew she was my mother…I'd seen her in my dream, after all.
The two of them smiled joyfully out at me, the wind blowing their hair, my mother looking over Hakkai's shoulder with her arms draped round his neck while he stood and laughed.
I stared at the picture in confusion. What on earth was Hakkai doing with my mother? What struck me first was that they could easily have been brother and sister…brother and sister…
My eyes widened in shock as the truth hit me full in the face. Hakkai is Gonou! Gonou is Hakkai…
I stared at the man in the picture, the names spinning around in my head as I struggled to absorb this piece of information.
Gonou-Hakkai-Gonou-Hakkai-Gonou-Hakkai-Gonou-Hakkai…
His eyes shone out at me, filled with happiness, lacking the anguish that the present Hakkai's held now…
The initial shock and confusion was very quickly replaced by panic, that horrible sensation tearing through my chest as I saw once more the haunted look in his eyes – images of them flashed through my mind. It was then that I knew – all that pain went back to one event, something that had happened 15 years ago. It was me – once again, it was my fault!
I dropped the book, my whole body shaking as I relived my nightmare – my mother, lying dead in her cell – but this time, I saw Hakkai kneeling helplessly on the other side of the bars, covered from head to toe in blood – I heard that scream, his scream, echoing endlessly around the chamber, just as it had before –
I covered my ears, trying to block it all out.
Last of all, I saw the look that would be on Hakkai's face once he found out who I was. And that's where I snapped.
I stood up, backed away from the chest, turned and dashed out of the house.
I had no idea where I was headed, or how far I would run, I wasn't even thinking. All I knew was this incredibly strong impulse to get away – from what or where, I wasn't sure. I was sick of everything, sick of reality – sick of my life.
I absolutely refused to think of anything – I just kept on running.
The world flashed by me, the wind whipped at my face as I continued to push myself forward, my legs churning beneath me as I increased my speed, weaving in and out of the crowds that passed me by.
But then, as I went on, despite my best efforts, some thoughts managed to find their way in.
Can't face him, can't face him… can't stand the pain it'll cause him, can't stand the look on his face when he finds out…can't stand how I hate myself…can't stand this, can't do this anymore…
I still wasn't quite fully recovered from the blood transfusion, but somehow all that panic and desperation put an enormous burst of energy in my legs, kept me going at an inhuman speed. Who knows, maybe it was my demon blood that enabled me to run like this.
Before long, I was out of that town, on the main road, surrounded by rice fields.
But then I was barely aware of this, until I tripped over a rock. My legs gave out and the velocity at which I'd been going slammed me into the ground.
Exhaustion took over as I lay there on the ground, panting. I stayed there for the longest time, just catching my breath.
Tired…I was just so tired, with no will whatsoever to get up. I was right back to where I started…I couldn't return to that town, not now. As if I'd ever belonged with Hakkai, with Gojyo…my eyes filled with tears, and my chest tightened as I grit my teeth in self-disgust. I'm so pathetic…
I realized then that I really couldn't go on anymore. After all this, I couldn't go back to living life on the streets, wandering from place to place, struggling just to find food…Hopelessness filled me once more, just as it had two weeks ago.
Just then, I was roused by this disgusting smell filling my nostrils. I lifted my head and saw a horse relieving itself just a few feet away. Oh, great…
Then I noticed the rope that tethered it to a post. I looked the other way and saw that not far ahead the farmland ended, and the forest began.
Gradually, I managed to push myself up and get back on my feet. I untied the horse, took the rope and in slow, determined steps, headed towards the forest. I knew now how I could end my misery.
A/N: Whew! Well, there it is. Don't worry, people, this is NOT the end!
So…what do you think? Is anyone out of character, Yokan too whiny or Mary Sue-ish, or are you just plain disgusted by what she chose to do? Or am I getting too repetitive somewhere? cringes Yeah, I'm not really that happy with how this chapter came out, but once again, I have looked over it about three or four times, so at this point I really need feedback.
Thanks so much to all who reviewed, you made my day and really inspired me to keep on writing! Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint!
Oh, and special thanks to my friend Lynx7 for helping me choose between Hakkai's and Gojyo's POV!
