To Live or Not To Live
Chapter 7
Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but Yokan and the plot of this story do. Period.
A/N: Hey, everyone, thanks for all the reviews! And I'm sorry it took me so long to update… --; School is a torture device that drains out your soul and violates Article 24 of the Bill of Human Rights…But man, this feels great! A four-day weekend and a late-night burst of inspiration do wonders!
Yokan
I sat on one of the broader branches of a tree. Everything was set – I knew the branch was strong enough to hold my weight, and I'd made certain that my knots were secure and wouldn't slip out of place.
Everything seemed kind of peaceful in this place – the rays of the sun filtered in through the trees, and the birds' twittering echoed throughout the forest. I looked around me. So this was the last thing I'd see, before I ended things myself, just the way my mother had. I should have already been dead anyway, like she'd wanted me to be.
But then at the last minute, I hesitated. The ground looked pretty far from here – the rope around my neck suddenly felt heavy, as though it were trying to pull me down.
But I was frozen – staring at the earth below me. I just sat there, I couldn't move. And it wasn't because I was afraid of heights.
Why?
Then the thought floated into my mind – Do I really want to do this?
There's nothing for me out there, I reminded myself. There's nothing for an unclean wretch like me. I shouldn't even be alive. No one wants me, it wouldn't matter. I'm too tired…too tired to live.
But in spite of myself, I saw Hakkai's face…and Gojyo's, and I remembered how they'd both taken care of me, and talked to me...
But when they know who you are – will they still treat you the same way?
…I don't know.
But I still couldn't move. I sure as hell didn't want to go on living in the streets – but something kept me from making that final jump – my hands gripped the branch, so tightly that my knuckles were growing white and my palms were sweating – and at the same time I drew up my legs so that I was squatting, ready to jump.
I could feel my heart beating against my chest, and I was feeling pretty breathless.
Then out of nowhere, there came a shout – I started, and before I knew it I had slipped.
For a second there was this sickening falling sensation, only to be stopped short by the most painful tug on my neck, my throat suddenly constricted so that I couldn't breathe – I choked and my arms and legs flailed uselessly.
BANG! I heard a gunshot, felt that falling sensation, then everything went black.
Goku
My stomach grumbled, reminding me that it was almost lunchtime.
"Sanzo," I began.
He turned around. "There's no food here, idiot. Wait till we get back to the temple."
I sighed. "I can't help it!"
We were right in the middle of the forest, walking down a muddy path. We'd just come from the town – Sanzo needed cigarettes, and I'd outgrown my clothes a long time ago.
It's been four years since we got back, and twelve years since we started that journey. You see, it took us four years to reach the West, and another four years to go back East. And like I've said before, it's been four years since we got back to Chang'An.
And I've had a lot of growth spurts since then – I just turned thirty a couple of months ago, and I'm almost as tall as Sanzo now. I like to think I'm not such a kid anymore, though of course Gojyo's never going to admit that.
Speaking of Gojyo, not to mention Hakkai – I hadn't seen them in a long time, not since my birthday. It's really too bad we didn't see them in town today…Hakkai was probably busy at school, and I couldn't find Gojyo around any of the gambling houses. That was definitely strange…oh well. He was probably getting laid with some girl... I winced. 30 years old or not, I still didn't really like thinking about that kind of thing.
So, we just continued down the path with Sanzo just staring into space…everything was so quiet, it was getting kind of boring.
Then, out of the corner of my eye I spotted a flash of red. My eyes focused on the trees that lay just before a bend in the road, and there it was. I couldn't tell what it was from where I stood, though. I just knew it was something alive.
I started to walk faster, in longer strides. I wanted to see what it was, and somehow I felt I ought to hurry.
Sanzo looked up. "Where are you going?"
"Look, there's something over there – " I pointed.
I froze in my tracks as soon as I realized it was a girl – I don't know why, but as soon as I saw the rope around her neck, they reminded me of the chains that held me back then, in that cave. I could see her gritting her teeth, she was shaking like anything. She drew up her legs as though she was going to jump – my eyes widened and a cry tore itself out of my throat.
That surprised her, and I watched in horror as she started, then lost her footing. The rope tugged on her neck, and she winced in pain, making choking sounds and waving her arms and legs.
"Sanzo!" I yelled, turning around, but he was already in front of me. In a flash he raised his gun and pulled the trigger – the rope broke, its frayed end hanging listlessly from the tree, and she landed on the ground with a thump.
I ran over and knelt beside her. I wasn't a doctor, but Hakkai taught me a thing or two. I gave a sigh of relief – her neck wasn't broken, and she was still breathing. It was a really good thing Sanzo reacted so quickly. It looked like she got a concussion, though.
I picked her up as carefully as I
could, then turned around and grinned at Sanzo. "Good
thing you came so fast. We've got to take her back, though – the temple's
nearer, and I might've missed something."
Sanzo
made a sound of disgust. "Do whatever you want." He began to walk back. But then
he stopped, turned his head and looked at me. "But if she tries that on the
sacred tree, you deal with the monks."
I smiled again. "Thanks, Sanzo!"
"Ch," was all he said, lighting a cigarette. "And make sure she doesn't bother me."
Sanzo
I have no idea why I wasted a good bullet on that girl. She was weak, and it was her choice to end her life. So why did I bother?
I don't know. I guess when Goku cried out, I really just acted in impulse. Damn, I really am getting too soft. It's because of that saru over there, I tell you. Not to mention eight years with those idiots.
I took another drag off my cigarette. Lucky for Goku, I was in a good mood today. And lucky for that kid, Goku cared. As for me, I'd have said she was more trouble than she was worth. But then – I'll never admit it out loud, but lately, when Goku looks at me like that I find it harder to say no.
So fine – let the monkey trouble himself with that girl if he wants to, but I won't have anything to do with it. It's his problem now, he made it so.
Of course, when we got to Chang'An, the priests threw a fit as soon as they opened the gates and saw her.
Goku eyed them in disgust for a second. "Can't you see she's hurt?!" he snapped. "She needs help now, so she stays here, at least till she's strong enough."
"Women aren't allowed in the temple!" one wailed. "She'll destroy its sanctity, especially what with her being a half – "
He shut up when both Goku and I looked at him at the same time.
"You were saying?" I asked coolly.
"N-nothing, Sanzo-sama," the priest stammered.
"Whether she stays or not isn't for you to decide," another priest told Goku in a condescending tone. He then turned to me. "Sanzo-sama?"
About twelve pairs of eyes stared at me imploringly.
"Ch," I replied in disgust.
Well, unfortunately for them, they pissed me off just now. So I'd let Goku have his way, just this once.
"She stays in one of the temple rooms, but she's forbidden to go wandering around the other parts, and she leaves as soon as she's well enough to walk. And since you picked her up, she stays in your room."
Goku smiled brightly at me. "Thanks, Sanzo!"
The rest of them sighed and walked away in disgust, and Goku glared at their backs.
And after an examination by one of the monks, it turned out the redhead was fine, and she'd probably regain consciousness in a few hours. She just needed a lot of rest, then she'd be strong enough to leave.
I thought it'd all end there – no problem. I was so wrong.
Gojyo
"Pay up, guys," I smirked, showing them my cards. "Royal flush."
They all groaned resignedly, tossing their cards onto the table.
"One more round!" Another one cried brashly. I glanced at him. His face looked kind of red…so drunk, so early in the morning. Idiot still didn't know what he was getting into.
"No thanks, I've gotta go," I replied.
"Why, you scared?" the kid taunted. Ouch – said guy was about twenty-something years old. It made me feel pretty old…
I stiffened a little when I heard what he said, but I wasn't about to let that loser get a handle on me. After all, with age comes wisdom, and when it came to women and cards, I was still going strong.
"Nope," I
smirked again. "I have an appointment – with a lady."
One of the older men whistled. "Got a girlfriend now, eh?"
I
almost twitched as a picture of Yokan flashed across
my mind. Not unless I was a pedophile. Besides, she wasn't my type. Too
depressed, and probably too traumatized to be any fun in bed.
"Maybe," I replied, waving a hand in goodbye as I walked through the doors of
the gambling house. "See ya."
I had to shield my eyes from the sun as soon as I was out, and the noise of the street hit me full blast – it was about mid morning, and everyone was busy toiling away at their jobs. A few call girls were standing around…I never went with them. I'd rather get it for free and with women who really want me.
As I got to the center of the town, it got even more crowded. Vendors were either standing behind their stalls or walking around carrying their wares, yelling and bragging about how cheap their prices were.
Soon I passed by Hakkai's school, and I was just a couple of blocks away from his house.
I was still about 20 meters from the place, but from there I could see the door swinging wide open, and I got this cold feeling at the bottom of my stomach.
"Gods, no," I muttered, and I started to walk faster. Before I knew it, I was running, and I slid to a stop in front of the doorway, expecting the worst…
…and everything was neat and in its right place – no broken glass, overturned tables or chairs – nothing. Only silence. That lonely, lonely silence that always seems to fill this place. Most people would think it's a cheerful house, at first, what with all the sunshine streaming in, but...after a while, the silence gets to you. It's not the peaceful kind of silence – it just feels empty.
And at that moment, the silence wasn't helping anything. There wasn't any sign of anyone breaking in, but I still had that horrible feeling in my chest. In a couple of strides I was down the hallway. I threw the door to her room open, and my fears were confirmed.
And that's when I really felt like panicking. Where the hell had that girl gotten to?! All kinds of ideas started entering my head. Could she have been kidnapped?! Who'd want to kidnap her? Unless there was some maniac who wanted revenge on Hakkai, but I couldn't think of anyone who'd have something against Hakkai, no one we'd met in our journey, anyway. Unless it was someone who had something against Yokan?! Unless – I looked around her room once more. The bed was made, and apart from the piles of books in one corner of the room, everything was more or less neat. No signs of a struggle – the cross was hanging in its place over the bed. I knew from experience Yokan was pathetic at self-defense, but even she would have made a mess of the house trying. So…was she stupid enough to have left by herself? I calmed down there, and my mouth set in a grim line.
If that was the case, then the girl was in for it, as soon as I found her.
Then another thought came to me, and I got that cold feeling all over again. I went to Hakkai's room, and found a chest standing open. Lying on the floor were two copies of Gensomaden Saiyuki, and in the chest itself I could see a picture of Hakkai and Kanan.
"Oh, dammit," I muttered. "That idiot, idiot."
This was serious. I had to tell Hakkai, and now. Who knows where Yokan was by now? I could practically see Hakkai worrying himself sick over her.
I crossed my arms and sighed, a heavy weight settling itself in my chest. This was going to be a long, long day.
Hakkai
I buried my head in my hands as I sat on the pavement, trying to clear my head. As soon as Gojyo came running into the school, I knew something was wrong, and I managed to excuse myself for the day. We'd been searching the town ever since, to no avail.
And now, my anxiety was finally catching up with me. I breathed in and out, trying desperately to calm myself down.
I sensed Gojyo standing beside me, and felt him lay a hand on my shoulder.
Before I could even open my mouth to speak, he cut me off firmly, saying, "It wasn't your fault. Don't say it is, because it's not."
I gave a tired sigh and smiled ironically despite myself. And at this time I wasn't trying to hide anything. This smile came of its own accord.
Gojyo really could read my mind. Or was it only because I was becoming too predictable?
"How could she have gotten so far?" My voice cracked, again despite myself.
In spite of myself, I was losing control over my emotions, and this made me feel more helpless than ever. I hated this feeling of powerlessness.
To be completely honest, I had always felt that in my life, what I showed on the outside was the only thing I could really control. And I'd lost even that.
I could tell Gojyo was deeply disturbed by this emotional display of mine. But again, I couldn't help it. And still he tried to comfort me.
"Don't worry, Hakkai,
we'll find her," he promised. "And if she was strong enough to get out, she can
take care of herself till we find her."
"I don't know why I'm even bothering to search for her,"
I replied brokenly. "It's clear she wants nothing to do with me. It's only…I
won't be able to rest without at least knowing she's all right."
"Bullshit, Hakkai," Gojyo replied harshly.
I looked up at him in surprise, and he looked slightly taken aback at the openness in my eyes. I wasn't even trying to hide anymore…I couldn't.
And I could understand his reaction; I was terrified of myself, too. I'd never felt so exposed…it was as though someone had torn into me, ripping me down to my bones, forcing me to show all my emotions for anyone to see.
And not just on my face…I knew Gojyo could see it all in my eyes. Because then…they glistened with tears, fifteen years' worth of tears. I just couldn't hold them in anymore.
I'd never thought Yokan's disappearance could shake me so. But then again…I'd lost Kanan. Now it felt as though this were happening all over again, despite the difference in circumstances. And even though I knew, somewhere, that Gojyo was right, it felt easier to blame myself. Blaming myself meant that somehow, I still had some control, it was only that I'd failed to exert that control.
And now, I couldn't find a way to prove that it was my fault…but Yokan shouldn't have found those books, that picture. I would have told her, sooner or later…but she shouldn't have found out like that. Was she disgusted? Terrified? Either way…she wasn't able to accept it. That was why she ran away.
"Bullshit," Gojyo repeated, glaring down at me. "That girl cares about you. And she blames herself too much to hate anyone more than she hates herself. So do yourself a favor and stop blaming yourself. That's what I've told you from day one."
He squatted down in front of me and took me by my shoulders.
"I've seen you, Hakkai," he said quietly. "I've seen you. It's been fifteen years, but you still love Kanan. And you're still hurting. And from the very beginning, when you found Yokan, she shook you. When you saw her, you saw Kanan's pain in her. So you took her in, and you loved her not just as your niece but as your daughter, the daughter you and Kanan never had. But even then it wasn't just that, was it? You were kind to her because you wanted to erase her pain, because that way you could erase Kanan's pain too. Without being fully aware of it you attached yourself to her, almost as much as you attached yourself to Kanan. Now she's gone again, and you know she's hurting, and that's what tears you apart, and that's what you can't take. But let me tell you something Hakkai…if she's hurting from the truth, it's only because she believes she hurt you and Kanan. She always loved Kanan, and she felt guilty towards Gonou.
Take it from me; I know what that's like.
And I'm betting she learned to love you, and when she learned you and Gonou were one and the same, she couldn't take the guilt anymore. If you want her to stop hurting, you have to show her it's okay, that you don't blame her. And more than that you have to stop hurting yourself. Do you get me? We're going to find her, and you're going to tell her that."
I stared up at him incredulously. Even before now…even before I had completely exposed myself, he saw through me anyway. And he was right…
Just then, a wave of pain overwhelmed me, the tears flowed down, and I cried for all the things I'd tried so hard to hide over all these years. For my sadness, my self-hate, my bitterness, my fears.
Gojyo pulled me close to him, and for once, I leaned against him, burying my face in his chest. I'd always depended on this man, on his reassuring presence, but never had I shown this so openly. He was there for me from the beginning, and still was, but I'd never been more aware of it than at this moment. And for that I was grateful.
There, on the street, I sobbed my heart out. I no longer cared who saw me. Engulfed in my own pain, I let it all out. And contrary to what you may believe, it felt wonderful. I'd never felt freer in my entire life. And though part of my still felt terrified, I knew I was safe – I was, after all, with a friend I could trust.
A/N: Well, there you have it! Yokan's still alive, Hakkai worries himself sick and ends up losing all self-control, and Gojyo shows that he knows more than he lets on. Please oh please review, I've done my best to keep Sanzo and Goku in character but I know it still needs a LOT of work! Not to mention I'm getting the feeling that this turn of events is kind of cliché…But I really wanted to insert Sanzo and Goku somewhere! Hakkai's POV came as a surprise, too…I was only planning on showing Hakkai panicking while he and Gojyo looked for Yokan, but it turned out to be much more than that. I actually discovered something about Hakkai! Maybe this sounds weird, but I really wasn't expecting him to cry… ; Do you think his POV was too out of character? Or maybe Gojyo knew too much? Anyways, so there, constructive criticism is very much welcome! And many many thanks to The Great Peep for reading and commenting on this chapter twice before I posted it!
According to her, this chapter seems to hold Sanzo/Goku, Hakkai/Gojyo connotations/moments. I didn't really mean for it to turn out that way, but I am a fan of those pairings, so if you want to take it that way it's fine by me = )
Whew, this is the longest author's note I've written so far…anyways again thank you so very much to all who reviewed, Optimoose, UltraM2000, The Great Peep Warren, JillyBean3, Sakiko-chan, and Koryu-Sanzo! So PLEASE PLEASE make my day and review again!
