To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters do not belong to me, they belong to Kazuya Minekura. Only Yokan and the plot belong to me, and I will kill anyone who tries stealing them. But who would? Moving on…


Sanzo

Ever since he picked up that girl, Goku's been a little too quiet. Normally I wouldn't mind, but …

I heard a long sigh, and glanced up from my newspaper.

There he was, leaning on the table with his elbows, staring into space with a thoughtful, somewhat disturbed expression on his face. It was somewhat unnatural, but I didn't care, as long as it was quiet.

I ignored it and continued to read my newspaper.

Another looooong sigh.

I could feel a vein in my forehead beginning to throb.

Still, I ignored it once more and continued to read my newspaper.

It probably had something to do with that girl. She woke up a few hours ago, and I could hear her screaming from my room. I'd had half a mind to shoot her, since it was the middle of the night, but the screams died down before I could get up.

And again, Goku sighed.

I glanced up once more, the vein twitching quite visibly.

"Hey, monkey, if you're going to be all depressed, do it quietly," I growled.

"Huh?" Goku started and looked up at me. "What?"

I promptly hit him on the head with my harisen.

"Owww!"

"That's what you get for not paying attention, monkey," I replied, trying to get back to the newspaper.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Goku sulking.

"It's just that I was thinking…"

"Ch, that's new."

"Mou, Sanzo, you don't have to be so mean!"

"Ch."
"It's just that…" he continued, his voice growing soft, "I can't stop thinking about what she said when she woke up. She called Hakkai."

I wasn't really listening, but I managed to catch the last sentence. "Hakkai? What kind of idiot would mistake you for Hakkai"

Goku shook his head. "She didn't call me Hakkai. It was more like…she woke up, and I don't think she could see very well, because she didn't notice me, and she called out for him. Then she saw me, and she kind of froze for a moment, and then she started screaming."

"Yes, I heard it," I said wryly.

"Yeah, but what she said was weird. She said," Goku imitated her in a falsetto, "'Get away from me! Get away from me!' And she really did look scared, as though I were about to do something horrible. I had to stand on the other side of the room before she calmed down, and even though I told her I wouldn't hurt her, she still looked kind of suspicious. She looked even more scared when I asked her how she knew Hakkai, and she said she didn't know anyone named Hakkai. So I just went to get her food, and when I came back she fell asleep again. I was kind of afraid to wake her up, but she seemed to trust me a little more, but she still wouldn't say anything. All she told me was that her name was Yokan, and 'thank you.'"

There was some silence as I absorbed his words. It was obvious this girl had been through some kind of abuse, something bad enough to make her afraid of people. Of course, waking up with a stranger sleeping beside you would scare anyone. Idiot…he should've thought of that.

And it wasn't any of my business what her connection with Hakkai was, even if I was a little curious about it. For all I knew it could be another Hakkai, even if there weren't a lot of people with that name. But if it did turn out to be the Hakkai I knew, and he came looking for her, I wouldn't hesitate to hand her over. Besides, why had the girl reacted in fear when Goku said his name? If she'd committed some crime against Hakkai and was running away from him…

I'd better keep an eye on her, I decided. And if she makes any trouble, I won't hesitate to kill her.


Yokan

Everything was blurry at first…I blinked twice, and in the midst of my confusion called out questioningly, "Hakkai?"

Suddenly everything came back; my vision cleared, and all the memories pierced me like a blow to the chest.

All the emotions of panic, hopelessness and self-disgust flooded over me as I remembered how I'd failed to do the one thing I might've done right. I really am so pathetic. I couldn't even kill myself.

"Why did I have to doubt…?" I whispered.

Was that what I really wanted to do? If I really wanted to die, why couldn't I do it? There's nothing for me in this world…

…or at least that's what I tell myself. But what could there be?

In spite of myself, I saw Hakkai's face.

So I thought I had a home with Hakkai. Those times he'd been subtly forcing me to live, I was so sure I couldn't, even up to the last moment…but maybe that was only what I thought.

I felt my chest tighten as I finally understood.

Despite myself, I'd started to hope…I'd actually started to depend on him and Gojyo. Maybe that was why it struck me so hard, when I found out the truth…

And that's why I tried to kill myself…but I couldn't.

I smiled wryly. I was living for something I no longer had. And I wasn't even aware of what I'd had, till it was gone. How ironic, and how cliché. How utterly disgusting.

I wondered how Hakkai was. Knowing how protective he'd been, he was probably freaking out right now, with Gojyo doing everything he could to calm him down…I felt another twinge in my chest. I'm sorry, Hakkai…but when you figure it out, if you figure it out…you're going to hate me. Because all the bad things that happened to you, those things that scarred you…they're all my fault. They're all because I exist. Knowing that, how can you not hate me?

My body felt sore all over…I realized I was in a bed – a futon, actually. Again. But not in Hakkai's house. No, this was some other place. I had no idea where I was.

Then it hit me…it was night. And beside me, there was another futon. And sleeping in that futon was a man. Said guy was staring sleepily at me, with slits of golden eyes.

"Hey," he said groggily, "Are you awake?"

It didn't take long for me to reach my conclusion, and once more, I panicked.

"Get away from me! Get away from me!" I screamed, bolting upright in bed.

He didn't do it already, did he? No…I don't think so. My clothes are still on and everything…but what the hell was he doing beside me?! This can't be happening, this can't be happening!

"Get away from me!" I yelled, pointing at him accusingly and pressing myself against the wall at the same time. "Don't come near! Don't touch me, don't you dare touch me! Go away!"
Ow, my head really hurts…I shouldn't have yelled like that…

My chest was heaving, and I stopped to catch my breath. I tried to blink back the tears that were forming in my eyes. Damn, I hate being so weak and helpless…even if I hate myself, I don't ever want to go through that again…

By this time, the guy had scrambled out of bed and was standing on the other side of the room. He looked pretty bewildered.

"Hey, it's not like I'm going to hurt you," he said, holding his hands up.

I just continued to glare at him. "Where am I? Who are you, and why the hell were you sleeping beside me if you weren't going to hurt me?!"

A look of horror crossed the man's face. "Hey, I'm not a pervert or anything! It's just that Sanzo said you had to stay in my room, and where else am I supposed to sleep?"

Before I could interrogate him any further, a thought seemed to occur to him.

"Hey, did you say Hakkai? How do you know him?"

I froze at the sound of his name, and all thoughts of this man being a potential rapist flew out of my mind. For the moment, anyway. Shoot, was the guy awake enough to hear me?

If this person knew Hakkai...if this was someone related to Gonou, who knew what he'd do? Even if I couldn't kill myself, it didn't matter to me whether I was killed by someone else…but if he called Hakkai…

I still didn't want to face Gonou. Or Hakkai.

"Hakkai?" I replied. "I don't know anyone named Hakkai…"

I sucked at lying, and it was obvious the man didn't believe me, but he said, "Okay…calm down, all right? I don't want you to hurt yourself. And, um…" he paused awkwardly, "Don't try to kill yourself, okay? Um…it's not worth it. You're probably hungry…I'll get you some food. By the way, I'm Goku. And don't make too much noise, or Sanzo might wake up and he'll be really mad."

And with that, he left.

That was weird…I thought. If it weren't for his height and build, I'd think this guy was my age…something about his aura, I guess…

I slumped down to the floor, holding my head in my hands. When did I stand up? I couldn't remember. I supposed I could trust this person, but I wasn't going to take any chances, or let my guard down.

And who was this Sanzo he kept talking about? Was I in a temple, then? That man hadn't looked much like a monk…

And looking back, I couldn't be blamed for panicking, what with that guy sleeping beside me, but I wondered why I'd stayed so calm when I woke up in Hakkai's house.

Maybe because he'd smiled at me so gently? No…if it was just that, I could easily have mistaken it for a perverted smile.

Probably more because of that presence he had…there was always something about it that felt so familiar, and soothing. Maybe it was that I wasn't aware of it then, but part of me sensed my mother in Hakkai. Maybe because he'd spent so much time with her when she was alive. Maybe he was a lot like her. Of course, I'd never know…

Again Hakkai's face flashed in my mind, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. For about the hundredth time in my life, I curled up into a ball and cried.

And as I drifted off to sleep, I heard voices…familiar voices, that always faded from my memory as soon as I opened my eyes.

K-Ka…nan…

Oh. Did the woman die? How very kind. She wasn't forced to see her monster child.

Her monster child…


Hakkai

I flopped down on my bed. I felt completely drained and exhausted – it had been near midnight when we finally gave up. Rather, Gojyo insisted on returning home, and volunteered to stay with me.

"I'm not about to leave you alone in this empty house," he said. "It's not right without a redhead in that bed."
I laughed and let it be – by that time my mask was beginning to slip back into place. It wasn't really because of conscious effort, but more out of force of habit.

And now, despite how tired I felt, I couldn't rest. My mind was too full of anxiety. How was Yokan faring? Yes, she'd lived on the streets for quite some time, but I couldn't help but recall her poor defense skills.

As I closed my eyes in an effort to sleep, one image burned itself in my mind. Kanan…I loved you so much. I loved you so much it ached. Even if I know it was wrong, I could never find it in myself to blame you for taking your life…but what of your child?

I know it was because I was too late, but if only you'd been able to wait a little longer…if only you hadn't been so broken.

I would have helped you bear your pain and move on. I would have been strong for you, I would never have left your side. It could have been a new start for us, we would have gone to another village, and I would have loved your child as if she were our own. I know this because I've met her, Kanan. I know that if you could see her now, you would love her with all your heart, because you are that kind.

She is beautiful, she looks exactly like you and bears no resemblance to that bastard of a demon. She thinks only of you, and how her existence hurt you, and she believes she has no right to live. She does not understand that it wasn't her fault; she does not know that you killed yourself not out of hate for her, but more out of hate for the demon who violated you.

When I watch her, it seems she mirrors both our pain so vividly, and it makes me look at her in a different way.

I want her to know you, Kanan. I want her to know how kindhearted you were, how wonderful you were, how you would have loved her. I want her to know the warmth you once brought to me.

So if you will forgive me, Kanan…I will stop my penance and remember only those sweet memories of you…those shards of light that purify my blackened soul. They are the light that kept my heart open enough for Gojyo to enter, and they will heal Yokan. I want to do for her what you and Gojyo have done for me.

I love you so much, Kanan. And though I have never believed in gods, I will pray that you are well and your soul is at peace.


A/N: Hi everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm not really happy with it, though…Is Hakkai becoming too repetitive, or is it just me? And Sanzo and Goku aren't quite as in-character as I'd like them to be…oh well, I guess I need more practice. ) Also, I apologize for taking so long, and I'm very sorry but due to school and a lot of extracurricular activities (Taekwondo! Fencing! Eww, Kumon…) not to mention the fact that I've kind of reached a fork in the road when it comes to this fic. There's a tiny plothole in this story (won't tell you what it is), and I have two choices:

a) Use the plothole to make this story a lot longer. Depending on how I can manage it, the story could turn out to be a lot more interesting, or it could be a total flop. Plus it would take a whole lot longer for the next update to come.

b) Ignore the plothole completely and end this story in one or two chapters. If this option wins, I'll probably have the next chapter out before Christmas…yes, I really do take a long time updating ; I wish I could write faster…

Knowing what you guys think would really help me to decide! I hope you still like this story so far, reviews, constructive criticisms are very much appreciated!!

Speaking of which:

Chobit 00: LOL, glad you liked the name Yokan! It's funny actually…I looked it up on a Japanese online dictionary and it was defined as 'lingering winter', but when I looked it up in the school library's encyclopedia of Japan it said 'yokan' was a Japanese sweet! Anyways, here's your update! I hope you liked it! hands you a Sanzo cookie

CronusThanks for reading it And here's your update!

Waterlily7763: Thanks! I'm really glad you liked it, and that the characters aren't OOC. I've really been trying my best to keep them all in character, but you never know…anyways thanks again!

Keruri1222: Yaaaaaay thanks so much for your review! It really makes me happy when people whose stories I love also like my story! And thanks again for all those plushies! (hands you Sanzo-ikkou cookies)

Isil Elen: LOL, the first sentence really scared me back there! For a second I really thought I was going to be flamed! Anyways, thank you so much, I really love doing Hakkai's POV, because for some reason he's the easiest for me. I hope you continue to enjoy the story! I'd be glad to hear any suggestions on keeping the others in character, too.

Sour Straw Roxors: Thanks, I'm so flattered! I loved the last chapter of Saiyuki: An Unlikely Story! I hope you get to update it soon (man I am such a hypocrite)!

Wasabii: Glad you liked it!

JillyBean3: Yeah, she WILL hurt when she wakes up…and I feel kind of bad putting Goku through all that trouble. Oh well...Anyways I'm glad you liked the fic! I hope you enjoyed this chapter too!

krazy-chan: Thanks for giving To Live or Not To Live a chance, and I'm really glad you enjoyed it! Keep reviewing!

Koryu-Sanzo: LOL, silly me, of course you'd take the yaoi hints! Hey, I hope you get to update your fic soon! And thanks so much for reading mine!

Kirusuchinu-sama: Well, here's your update!

Maya: I'm sorry you didn't like my fic, but thanks for reviewing anyway. I have to admire you for being so polite, not a lot of people would bother with that! Anyways, thanks for sharing your opinion with me, I'm more or less taking the things you said into consideration.

Sinner, Cho Gonou: Yay, Yokan's not a Mary Sue! That's kind of my number-one fear right now. Anyways, thanks so much, I hope you still enjoy the story!

Maaan, I just realized that was A LOT of reviews. Thanks so much guys, you've made me so happy! I hope I can do the same for you through my fic! Oh, and special thanks to The Great Peep Warren, my unofficial beta-reader, and Reena and Cronus for encouraging me with this fic!

- Silver on the Tree