To Live or Not To Live
Chapter 9
Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.
Author's Note: WHOA, 76 reviews! Thank you so much, everyone! I would have ended this thing in Chapter 9, but you guys voted for a longer story, so here it is! I'm really flattered that so many of you wanted more, and I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I know most people don't consider school an excuse, but I can't write unless I know I have at least three free hours ahead of me. And thanks to school, that doesn't happen too often. But I promise I'll have the next chapter up before…um…October. Yes, October. I put my individual responses to the reviews at the end of the chapter! (puts on a bulletproof vest and helmet and flees from the angry mob)
Oh yeah, thanks to AnimeHeart07 for beta-reading this story and reminding/inspiring me to continue! She's the best!
Son Goku
She sat on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest.
Or that's what I think she was doing, coz when I opened the door, her head snapped around so that she was staring right at me. Her whole body went stiff, and her hands clenched into fists. Then she realized it was just me, and her hands unclenched, her body relaxed, but she was still watching me.
She always acts like this when I come in, so I'm used to it by now. She doesn't let me come closer than three feet, either.
"Hey Yokan!" I said, grinning. "How're ya feeling?"
I guess when she stood up and screamed at me that night, it was what people call "adrenaline rush". She had a really bad headache the next morning, and couldn't sit up too fast without getting dizzy. I wonder how she managed to stand up and scream at all. But then again, Sanzo said the symptoms of concussions don't always show right away; sometimes it takes weeks for them to come out.
Yokan winced. "Not so loudly, please," she said, her own voice so soft I barely heard it.
"Oh yeah, sorry," I said, grinning sheepishly. "I forgot."
"It's okay," she replied.
I glanced around my room. There wasn't much stuff in it; I didn't spend much time there, after all. There was only the bed, and the closet, and the futon that I'd been using for the past few nights.
Yokan doesn't do much all day; she just sleeps and or sits up in bed and stares out the window.
I know the garden's really pretty, but didn't she get bored, sitting and staring at the same thing for three days?
I really wish I could get her outside, into the sunshine. The window's open, and it's always nice and bright in the room, but that's nothing compared to standing under its warmth, and being able to run around and be a part of everything, instead of just watching it all pass you by.
It's so quiet here, it's depressing. Looking at Yokan makes me remember those days when I was stuck in that cave. I hate thinking that she's trapped, just the way I was. It's not fair.
"Umm…I'm sorry I have to keep you cooped up in here," I said.
Yokan turned to look at me. "It's okay. I really don't care," she said, and I could hear the emptiness in her voice. I was shocked.
"Of course it's not okay!" I exclaimed. "How are you going to get better if you're stuck here doing nothing? How can you stand being stuck in here? How can you not want to be out there?"
Yokan cringed and covered her ears; I guess my voice was too loud again. Then she looked up and glared at me. "Shut up. How could I not want to be out there? How could you understand? There's nothing for me out there but a lot of pain and danger. I can't even tell who might and might not hurt me anymore! I don't want to be with anyone, because someone always gets hurt, especially me! I just wanted to die. If I wasn't completely sure of it then, I'm sure of it now. I want to die, then no one can hurt me. Whatever they do with my body, I won't feel it! And there's people who'll be glad I'm dead. And I deserve to die. Why couldn't you let me die!"
She looked like she was trying really hard not to cry – she just went on glaring at me.
I opened and closed my mouth, trying to think of what to say. Then I remembered something Sanzo said a long, long time ago. "Can you really die like that? Just give up on everything?" I asked softly.
Yokan gave a short gasp, and her eyes widened a little; and I knew I reached her somehow.
"I heard Sanzo say this once: You can choose to run. You can choose to die. But dying won't change anything. If you really want things to change, you're going to have to live."
Now it was Yokan who couldn't think of anything to say. She just looked away quickly and glared at the wall.
"Just think about it, okay? Don't give up," I said. I couldn't help but grin a little. Yokan was sulking, like a little kid. For some reason, watching her sulk because of something I said made me feel more grown-up. No wonder Hakkai smiles all the time, he's the most grown-up among the four of us.
"I'm going to go get something for your headache," I added. I turned around and left the room.
"Oi, saru, what's with that look on your face?" Sanzo asked when he saw me.
"Nothing," I said, not bothering to hide the smile on my face. "I'm going down to the village, okay?"
"Ch, why are you telling me? Anyway, get me some cigarettes while you're at it."
"Okay! See ya later!"
Sanzo
I glanced at Goku's room, only to see the door slightly ajar, a pair of red eyes peeking out at me.
I looked back at them and they quickly disappeared.
"Ch." Suddenly I felt very annoyed. Stupid kid. Did she think I wouldn't notice?
I stepped forward and threw the shoji door open.
The girl jumped back and continued to stare at me; her expression was that of surprise mixed with distrust. In fact, her behavior and body language was no different from that of a startled animal.
So this was the girl who'd caused so much trouble. Thanks to her, Goku was always running back and forth, getting food, getting water, looking for aspirins and God knows what else. Apart from that, all he ever talked about was Yokan, Yokan, Yokan. It was beginning to get on my nerves. It's bad enough when the monkey prattles on randomly, but it's worse when he talks about the same thing over and over again .
I disliked this girl from the very beginning. She'd attempted to take her life, meaning she was weak, very weak. Just looking at her disgusted me.
Not to mention the fact that her being depressed was affecting Goku.
"If you take one step beyond this doorway," I stated calmly, "I will kill you."
Yokan raised an eyebrow, and I remembered too late that these kinds of threats would mean nothing to her.
"With all due respect, sir, I don't mind dying at all. In fact, if you could help me out with that, I'd be most grateful," she replied in a monotone voice, bowing.
"Unfortunately, I don't bother with idiots," I replied, lighting up a cigarette and resisting the temptation to blow smoke into her face. "I don't appreciate you disturbing my sleep, either. Just get well and get the hell out of here."
There was a brief silence.
"You're no ordinary priest, are you?"
I could feel a vein throbbing on my forehead. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
I took another drag and blew in her general direction. "Just don't make any trouble, or you will definitely pay. You've caused me enough problems as it is."
With that, I walked out of the room, crushing my empty cigarette pack and tossing it to the ground.
"That monkey had better get back soon," I muttered.
Yokan
As soon as that weird priest disappeared round the corner, I ran forward and shut the door. I leaned against it, panting. Thank God no one else saw me!
Of course, this kind of exertion was really bad for me, and my vision began to blur. I slid down against the shoji door and glanced down at my hands, only to see them shaking like mad. I don't know whether the sanzo noticed it or not.
Part of me knew he was a priest, meaning he was celibate and probably well-trained in suppressing whatever desires he might have had, but…still. There was another part of me that was still very, very afraid. A part of me and screamed, shut the door! Don't let anyone see you, ever! No one will touch you again! Don't trust anyone, no matter who or what they are!
I closed my eyes and remembered the look on his face; all I could see in it was complete and utter loathing. This man probably hated me too much to even touch me. The message in his eyes and the tone of his voice was clear: I was disgusting to him. I was an unwelcome burden, a thorn in his side.
If only everyone could hate me that much, I'd feel much safer. Maybe someday, someone would hate me enough to even kill me. I don't have the strength to kill myself. If only someone else could do it for me…
"You've caused me enough problems as it is…" Genjyo Sanzo's voice echoed in my mind.
I buried my face in my knees. I know, I know already! I'm know I'm a burden to Goku, and a burden to you! You think I don't hear the priests grumbling out in the garden, or outside the door? Goku's a good person, as far as I can see anyway – he shouldn't have to take care of someone as hopeless as me. All I want is to die. Doesn't he have better things to do than nurse me back to health? He looks like someone who's really happy – how does being around me all the time affect him? I can tell he's always trying his best to smile at me, to make me feel better, to make me forget, but I can't. And no one should have to make that kind of effort for me. I just want to die, so why can't they let me die? I'm tired of being a burden to him…he doesn't deserve to be weighed down by someone like me…if only he could understand that. I can't change things by living if I'm cursed. The gods must hate me, if they let all this happen to me. Of course they would. So how can I change things when the gods hate me? It's not just that I'm taboo, like Gojyo. It must be because I'm the product of rape, and the only surviving child of Hyakuganmaoh. I'm the child of scum, therefore I am scum. Maybe I'm paying for all the things he did.
Since when did things become so bad, anyway? It was all after Michiko obaa-san died…
I saw her face in my mind: the woman who'd taken me and raised me like her own. I'd forgotten all about her ever since I decided I was going to die. I really missed her, and the memories that came with her. She was like a mother to me.
And in those days, even if I already knew I was taboo, her reassurances always made me feel better. Because at that time, I thought my parents must have loved each other enough that they had me, even if it was a sin. I thought they must have loved me, too.
I smiled bitterly. I couldn't have been more wrong. Obaa-san was the only one who could have loved me. But she was gone now. And I could never understand how she could choose me over her own relatives. After all, I'd been nothing but a burden to her.
Suddenly, I wasn't just out of breath. I was exhausted. I let myself slide down to the floor so that I lay on my back.
In spite of myself, I began to remember those times. It had only been three years ago, but now it felt it'd been a lifetime ago. Back when things weren't perfect, but at least they were a lot simpler. When I didn't know anything about my mother or my father…back when I was pure.
"Obaa-san," my six year-old self asked, "What was my mother like?"
"Oh," she smiled, the wrinkles on her face suddenly multiplying, "your mother was a beautiful, kind woman. She was like an older version of you, with chestnut brown hair and green eyes."
"What about my father?"
She suddenly turned back to her cooking. "Would you pass me the pepper, dear? And check what the next ingredient is?"
'Honestly, mother, I don't know why you insist on keeping her. She's taboo, she'll bring you nothing but bad luck!' Their words continued to repeat in my mind as I lay in bed, trying not to look bothered. After all, I'd heard it a milliontimes before. I should have gotten used to it by then.
She pulled the covers up to my chin and stroked my hair gently.
"Listen, Yokan. Someday, you're going to grow up to be a beautiful young woman, just like your mother. I want you to ignore what they say; you belong here just as much as everyone else. Being a hanyou doesn't matter at all. Hopefully someday, humans and demons will live in peace again. But that won't happen in a long time. That's why you must be strong, and believe in yourself."
It's not being taboo that really bothers me, I thought. It's how I was born.
I could feel my eyes beginning to water, but I was sick of crying. Slowly, I forced myself to get up. I stumbled towards the table and tried to pour myself a glass of water.
The pitcher slipped through my hands and crashed to the floor.
"Oh, dammit," I cursed, staring at the shards scattered across the floor.
I tried to pick the pieces up, and somehow got a cut on my thumb – oh well, I could take care of that later. But then I couldn't take my eyes off the cut – off the blood that was slowly dripping down my arm.
Before I knew it, I'd picked up a particularly large piece of glass and drawn it across my arm, a few inches below the first one. More blood poured out.
Dirty, impure, born of scum. You deserve this.
Suddenly, I had this insane urge to drain all the blood out of myself. It didn't matter whether I lived or not. I just wanted to be clean.
I slashed my arm once more – as the blood poured out, I felt so much better. Almost as if all the terrible feelings and problems were draining themselves out of my body. It didn't matter that it hurt. The pain was punishment, and I deserved it.
Suddenly my energy returned, and soon I was slashing at myself with a vengeance, gritting my teeth against the pain.
I heard the door open and without looking up, I stood and backed away, continuing to cut myself.
I know this sounds insane, but for the first time in my life I felt free, and I didn't want to let go of this feeling.
"What – Yokan, no!"
I heard footsteps advancing, saw the tanned hands restraining me.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed. "I deserve this! I deserve this!"
"No, you don't!" Goku grabbed the shard and threw it aside. I heard it shatter against the wall. He then took me by the shoulders and shook me. "Yokan, look at me! It's not right!"
I wasn't even listening to what he was saying. But as I looked past him, I froze.
Emerald eyes locked on to mine. Emerald eyes filled with remembered pain. Eyes that asked only one question: Why?
A/N :LOL, I think that's the best cliffhanger I've ever written. I hope the flashbacks weren't too cheesy, though...Anyways, reviews and constructive criticism are extremely welcome!
HarryPottergrl19: Wow, you must have really been going through the archives to find THIS fic. On what page did you find it, I wonder? Anyways, thanks, I'm so glad you liked my story! You've inspired me to get off my lazy ass and finish Yokan's POV!
AnimeHeart07: Man, I know I told you this already, but you really gave me a scare! I was thinking, "who on the Internet would know my nickname!" Of course, it didn't take me long to figure it out. Anyways, thank you SO much for beta-reading my story!
FairyMage: Thank you so much for reading this and taking the time to review, I really appreciate it! I never really focused on Yokan before because I was afraid people would get sick of her. But now I'll do my best to really develop her character! You can probably expect Yokan's point of view to be a lot longer in the next chapter.
Chelle Hakkai: (blushes and stutters) I'm so flattered! I'm really so glad you're enjoying this fic! There are a lot of Saiyuki authors who are better than I am, though. You should really check out UltraM2000's fics, and Optimoose's, and Keruri1222's!
Ceres Yukimura: Wow, that's so cool! The idea of Kanan having a kid bugged me for the longest time, until finally I gave up trying to ignore it and wrote this! And about Kanan, I'm guessing she wasn't thinking too clearly when she killed herself. No one is (according to my teachers' Powepoint presentations on teen suicide, anyway). But then again, your point of view is really interesting! I've read a couple of drabbles about Kanan not really loving Hakkai, and they were always interesting and well-written, but really sad. Anyway, thank you so much for reading this story! I'm glad you like it, and that you don't think Yokan's a Mary Sue!
YJ: We'll see in the next chapter! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
BradenIsMyMonkey:( laughs) I love your username! Anyway, Kanan IS Hakkai's sister. It says so in the manga. They don't make it obvious in the anime, though, so some people end up thinking she's his wife or girlfriend. Thanks for reading and reviewing and voting! I'm so glad you like this story!
Optimoose: LOL, yes, they probably WOULD miss something. I'm beginning to wonder if Goku and Sanzo really would have separated from Gojyo and Hakkai, too. If they make it out alive, that is. Also, I'm so glad that I got it right this time! I worked really hard on it! When all this is finished, I'll probably go back and change how Yokan reacts to Hakkai.
Onigiri Monster: LOL, I definitely took my time. I hope you enjoyed chapter 9!
Denko Reba: Thanks for voting! I hope you liked this chapter!
UltraM2000: LOL, now I know which version of Saiyuki you watched Now that I read Chapter 8 again, Hakkai swearing DOES seem a bit unbelievable. But then, I figured if there was anyone he could have hated enough to swear at, it would be Hyakuganmaoh. Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you liked this chapter!
Isil Elen: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Part of the reason it took so long was because I was having a lot of difficulty thinking of how Goku would have changed or stayed the same over the years…I hope this Goku is believable! I had a lot of fun writing him once I got inspired enough. I wonder if Sanzo's become too soft in this chapter…Yokan gave me the biggest headache ever. Oo I inspired you to write a fic! That's awesome, I feel so flattered! I can't wait to see it! D
Keruri1222: Hakkai's my favorite too! And he's definitely the easiest for me to write I sometimes feel bad for putting him through all this. And the worst is yet to come… Goku, Sanzo and Yokan just give me the biggest headaches. It's probably because the three of them are so different from me. It's funny, actually – in the beginning, Yokan was pretty much a self-insertion, but then she sort of grew away from me. I don't know how to explain it, but now I see her as a completely different person, and I don't always understand her. Geez, I created her, I'm SUPPOSED to understand her! Anyway, I'm glad you think I've improved! And don't worry about your review being long, I LOVE long reviews! The thing is, I end up giving long responses…anyways, enough with my blabbing. Thanks for reading and reviewing, I truly appreciate it! (hug)
