S E R A P H

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Prayer Of A Returned Exile

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The lord answered me
When I called in my distress
Lord, deliver me from lying lips
From treacherous tongues

What will the lord inflict on you
O treacherous tongue
And what more besides?
A warrior's sharpened arrows
And fiery coals of brushwood

Alas, I was an alien in Meshech
I lived near the tents of Kedar
Too long did I live
Among those who hated peace
They were for war

---Psalm One-hundred-twenty

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"Ms?"

I stood from the chair as the secretary smiled at me, beckoning me to follow.

"Mr. Winner will see you now."

I nodded and followed his instructions down the hall.

It was strange to walk around without my shield. It would be even stranger to slip back into being Michael.

I was used to Noin. I had been Noin for over twenty years. I liked her. I had learned to live with all of the strange parts of her body and had adapted myself well enough that becoming Michael was not a necessity. I just wasn't him anymore.

As soon as I stepped into the room he turned towards me.

Quatre Raberba Winner was a small man. He was only taller than me by about 3 inches, which put him at a noticeably short 5'6".

He was petite, with soft round eyes and wonderful skin just like that of the Cherubium Order. But he had a darkness to him. He had that fearlessness of death.

But then again, he was an Angel of Death. God's Sword had no fear.

His face was angered.

"Michael?"

"Yes, my brother, it is I."

He walked towards me and I feared that he would take me in his arms. I was unused to overt affections. It would not be prudent of him to---

He slapped me harshly across the face.

"You sniveling, ungrateful wretch. How dare you hide yourself from me? Your Third Brother?"

A defense. I needed something to reassure him. We had not broken on the most amicable of terms. My brother needed a reassurence. I needed to make him believe that he was wanted. He'd spent so much of his life feeling unwanted.

God's Wrath has no weakness. A smile was earned through servitude.

I ignored the urge to rub my swelling cheek. I was mortal now, I was far from weak. "I was not aware that you were Gabriel. It has only come to my attention as of recently."

Anger pierced his aqua eyes. He glowered and I felt as if I were in danger of being further abused. "You are a horrible liar. A liar. What has become of you, Michael?"

"Noin. My name is 'Noin' now. And the lie was to save you pain. I am not heartless."

"'Pain'? You wish to know about pain?"

I held my hand out to him. "I did not come here to quarrel. There is a pressing matter I must speak with you of."

"How could you not know it was me? Am I not Gabriel? Are you not Second Eldest?"

I looked carefully at him. He was wearing a soft shirt of lilac cotton. Black slacks. His appearance was that of a child. Really, could he blame me for attempting a deception? Why would anyone believe this boy to be the most feared of Archangels?

"Lucifer, Quatre. Lucifer. Forget your reproach and speak to me. Are you willing to aid in his recovery?"

"You did not search for me, dear Brother."

He sighed, turning back towards his large desk. "I would have been able to give you my aid if you had ony asked for it. I was not the one that kept hidden. I was revealed to you from the beginning. It was you who wished to remain obscure."

"Quatre---"

"GABRIEL. I am Gabriel. You might be content to continue your farce of being Noin, of being in love with Sally Po, but I will not. I continue my existence."

It was a deepening pain that he would not listen to me. That he would deny that I cared only for him as a sister would.

-

"I have chosen between lovers...you are not his equal in my love...Raphael is with me, Gabriel...will you force me now to chose between brothers?"

"I only force you to chose between loyalties. Where do Raphael's lie? Are you so blind?"

"Are you so full of hate that you cannot stand for my happiness?"

His eyes shone. "I wish only for your contentment. Go with an unburdened heart towards him. But do not expect me to remain blithe and placid. I hold no more love than what is necessary towards him. He does not deserve your affection."

-

What to say when you've buried a love?

"I do not wish to discuss her with you."

"Then let us proceed. Have you heard anything more about Lucifer?"

"Only that he currently resides in Neo-France. Other than that I know very little of his whereabouts."

He was now sitting behind his desk, motioning for me to sit on one of the plush chairs.

I sat and he immediately noticed the small expression of discomfort I had let pass over my face.

"This affliction, you both are affected?"

I stared at him. "You jest."

He downcast his eyes, the golden lashes brushing his skin. "I only wish to know---"

I lowered my voice, allowing my age be heard, allowing the depth to emerge. "You think that this is a blessing? Not only am I mortal, but I have very little time to live. And you would take these wretched marks as blessings? Envious fanatic. Would you look upon my torment and wish me luck?"

"I---"

"Do not pretend otherwise! There will not be anymore conversation between the two of us. If you do not wish to leave the past be, then you are of little assistance to me."

He sounded tired. "I only wished to know of your health. I am aware that you are no longer immortal." he shut his eyes for the briefest of moments. "I wish this were not so."

"In what manner can you offer aid?"

"As you know, Winner Enterprises is a communications and technology company. If you so desire, you will have the best computer trackers and technology in the the world at your disposal. You will have transportation and informants in every corner of the world and the colonies."

"Would your personal help be limited to stoic phone conversations and infrequent meetings?" I shook my head. "I need your help. Without your aid I am no where. You are Gabriel. You are third eldest and you are still an Immortal. You are the Eldest now."

"Then why can I not feel you inside of me?"

I lowered my voice to a whisper. "I do not know." I fidgeted with my hands, clasping and unclasping them in my lap. "It is the same manner in which I do not know why I have retained a faint display of my previous powers. Raphael is the same. He will remain forever the same as will you. I can feel you in my head. I feel all of you still."

His speech was insistent. "I can feel our younger siblings, but now that you are..." he trailed off. "...should I not be able to sense at least a part of you?"

I shrugged. "It is a fact that the Elders can feel the Younger. Perhaps it remains so."

"Lucifer knows who you are."

The wound reopened. "Yes."

"Through the Academy years, while you thought of his only as Zechs---he---"

I would not speak of it.

"I must leave now."

The silence tripped over the awkwardness.

"If you must---then contact me."

"Whe---"

He smiled. "The way we used to."

'I will wait for you to call on me, Brother.'

His telepathic message was a jolt to my senses. It had been over twenty years since I had last communicated in this manner.

'I bid you a farewell, Gabriel. I must depart.'

'Godspeed and may your search not be in vain.'

I walked out of his door.

The weight upon my conscience remained heavy.

I had realized during our telepathic conversation that I had not thought about God for an unmentionable amount of time.

I was beginning to forget His face.