PART XII
Chapter 1
His dream was so vivid that when Jack awoke he expected to find Teri in bed beside him and the sound of Kim cooing in the next room. The sadness that washed over him as reality replaced the wonderful fantasy of sleep was like a whitewash over a Michelangelo. No amount of restoration could bring it back to its full glory, but the underlying masterpiece was still there.
He remained in bed, indulging in the recollections that remained, still-recognizable images of the past bringing more joy than pain, and he reveled in them. Better to have loved and lost, he thought, as he finally arose and faced the day. Better love.
Chapter 2
"I'm Jack Bauer," he said, holding his hand out to a beautiful woman he'd noticed at the pool, where he was happily swimming away, doing as many laps as he wanted, finally able to finish whatever work-out he felt like doing. He felt better than he had in years.
"Lesley Kramer," she said. She also loved to swim, and she was gorgeous. She was in her late fifties but she looked at least a decade younger, and although her body was terrific, she didn't pretend to be a twenty-something, wearing a bikini. Jack respected that, and thought that in her one-piece she outshone the Gen X'rs in their more revealing suits.
As he took in her dark brown hair and darker eyes he thought to himself, she only comes up to my shoulders. It made him instinctively feel protective, and he smiled to himself. Don't rush things, Jack, he told himself. You don't know anything about her.
Her skin is soft, Jack thought as they shook hands, and she's not gripping hard, not trying to show me anything, not trying to show that she's tough. I like that.
"How often do you come here?" Jack asked, realizing as the words came out that they were a poor variation on the typical bar pick-up line, 'Do you come here often?'
Lesley realized it, too, and laughed. "I try to do laps at least three times a week, and the same for the equipment. More, if I'm up to it. How about you?"
"I'm usually here four or five times a week, and I jog at home the other days."
"You're very devoted to working out," she said. She realized how it sounded. "I'm not being critical," she continued. "I'm just not as dedicated."
Jack laughed. "Don't worry about it." He continued, "Where do you live?"
Lesley responded, "Marina del Rey. How about you?"
"Santa Monica," he said, thinking it wasn't that far on US 1. "What kind of work do you do?"
"I'm retired," she said. "I'm a recovering lawyer."
He laughed at the phrase. "What kind of law did you practice?" He hoped it didn't sound like a CTU interrogation.
"I was a prosecutor. US Attorney's office. Trial work."
"That's tough stuff," he responded. "But you're young to retire."
"I was shot by one of my defendants," she said. "I was hurt pretty badly, so I hung it up, and I swim as part of my physical therapy."
"Wow," he said, thinking of his multitude of injuries, all in the line of duty. What a hell of a thing to have in common.
"I think I read about that," he said slowly, remembering TV news stories and newspaper articles about the attack on the prosecutor of the 'don,' the head of the LA organized crime 'family.' She had almost died.
"How about you, Jack?" she asked, although his name was so familiar from the news that she was certain she knew the answer.
"I was with the government," he said, his natural instincts making him wary. "I'm retired, too."
There was another pause. "Well, it was nice to meet you, Jack. I'm sure we'll run into each other again here."
"Wait," he said. "Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?"
Chapter 3
When he got home he remembered his promise to Dr. Logan, and as soon as he got in he called to tell him that he felt much better. Nevertheless, the doctor insisted that Jack come to his office. He wanted to know what had made such a difference in his patient.
When Jack got there some of the glow was gone, but not all of it. Jack didn't realize, although Logan soon did, that he had made a huge breakthrough. His mind was starting to forgive him, to let him accept good times, to let him feel good about himself.
Dr. Logan led Jack through what had happened, through the dream that Jack so vividly remembered, from the dark times when he thought he had lost Teri to the joyous and hopeful time when they'd been young lovers with their future so bright, even though Jack, while dreaming, knew it wouldn't, didn't last. His knowledge that it would all end tragically had stopped destroying his ability to enjoy his memories of times that had once been so wonderful. It was a tremendous step for Jack, a huge accomplishment, and he began to understand the enormous significance of it, that he was starting to get well. He felt a sensation of well-being, of hope, that he'd never recalled experiencing as an adult, certainly not after he'd undertaken the enormous demands of first the military and then the para-military life that was CTU.
He'd never realized when he started to plummet into the precipice, to fall into the pressure cooker that came of always being responsible for the lives of others, imposed by circumstances and his own sense of duty. When the obligations overtook him, when they affected his outlook on life the changes were so subtle, as he rose in the ranks and his responsibilities increased, as his experiences showed him what he would face and his innate caring for the lives and well-being of others showed themselves in ever more desperate situations he didn't know it, so he didn't see how they imperceptibly, to him, changed his relationship with Teri. But she noticed. Teri saw it and felt it and lived with it, and she tried to cope, to understand, and it wasn't only Nightfall that made her feel shut out; that was the culmination of years, the extreme, the ultimate, the breaking point.
She'd devoted herself to raising Kim, although Jack loved their daughter as much as she did, but she was home while Jack so often was not, and then she started her business, working out of the house so she could be there when Kim got home, could attend school plays and volleyball games, do car pools, all the things that a stay-at-home mom tries to fit into a hectic day. But it rankled, the feeling that she was sometimes a single parent, and somehow Jack didn't notice, for he was so wrapped up in his job, in his missions, in his life-or-death ops that would silently take him away and just as secretively return him home, sometimes injured so badly that she despaired. He was genuinely stunned when their marriage failed, for he was so isolated by then that he was out of touch not only with his own feelings but with Teri's as well. It wasn't until he was with Nina that he saw what he wanted, and it was Teri. In a weird, warped way, Nina was the way who had shown him the way home. Irony. It was fast becoming his watchword.
If Teri hadn't told him to leave he probably would never have come to grips with things, he realized now. That was the hit on the head he'd needed, and he thanked God for it. He knew he'd taken Teri for granted, he'd simply assumed that she would always love him no matter what; he painfully admitted to himself that he hadn't considered her feelings, for he hadn't perceived that his attitudes and actions had changed, so why would he have thought that she could have been hurt by him? He was the same man she had married, that's what he'd thought. God, the self-deception, he lambasted himself. And I'm supposed to be able to read things so well, to be able to size things up instinctively. And I had no idea what the fck was going on in my own house, with my own family.
If he had to rank his many failings, and they were legion, he knew, uncountable, this was the top of the list. He'd hurt the ones he loved, and that was the worst, the unforgivable. No matter what progress he made he'd never get over that. The key was dealing with it, for it wouldn't go away, he couldn't undo it. That much, at least, he'd gleaned. Guilt wasn't the answer, it solved nothing, it was counterproductive, it was destructive. If he'd learned nothing else in therapy, it was that.
He knew he wasn't done with his past, that he would still have to wrestle with it, that there were still many, many demons waiting to attack him and pull him down. Nevertheless, there was a sensation of strength, for he felt he would be able to meet them and repel them. His feeling was one of growing well-being. Of peace.
Chapter 4
After leaving Logan's office Jack determinedly drove to CTU. He found he needed to get to the bottom of the mess with Gaines, the discovery of the connection to Palmer. It was an impediment to his recovery, to his survival, physical and emotional. It was a loose end he had to tie up. It was a part of finally laying Teri to rest.
He actually noticed things as he drove, which was a rarity, for he was usually so preoccupied with the roller coaster events in his life that the billboards for beer and electronics along the freeway, the warm breezes that made him open the sunroof of the SUV that he'd barely realized was a part of the package that came with the car that they never entered into his consciousness. For once the sunshine made putting on his sunglasses more than an automatic motion. He felt more alive than usual, not a machine, but someone who wanted to feel, not just react. It was an intense sensation for him, because it showed how far he had come.
Chapter 5
The absence of dread as he pulled into the CTU garage surprised him. Just the day before it had settled over him like a blanket. As he walked to the conference room he'd worked in the day before he saw Tony headed towards him.
"Hi, Jack," Tony said.
"Hi, Tony," he responded. "Have you got more data?"
"Some, but I'm afraid you'll have to go through it alone. We have a protocol working, and I have to follow it. I can't spare the time today."
"S'okay," Jack said, "I understand." He was a bit surprised by his lack of curiosity about the protocol. His separation from CTU really was complete, and all he felt was relief.
"I put the papers in the conference room. We brought in some sandwiches before, and I saved a couple for you. There's fresh coffee, too. Just let me know if you find anything, okay?"
"Sure. And thanks for the food, Tony."
As Tony walked out Jack filled a mug with coffee - decaf, he noticed that Tony had left for him - and settled into a chair before he reached for the top file on the stack piled high. He was quickly immersed in the data.
After about an hour or so he muttered a soft "Son of a b!tch."
He wasn't aware of the numerous mugs of coffee he kept pouring and drinking until his bladder told him he had to take a break, and it wasn't until he was on his way back to the conference room that it all clicked – Palmer's involvement. His motive. Why Nightfall had failed.
Chapter 6
Jack's distress was palpable, so when Tony saw him he followed his friend to the conference room. "What is it, Jack?" he asked, his curiosity building. He'd never seen Jack so frenetic, so worked up.
"Tony, Palmer's a traitor," Jack said, shaking from both agitation and another feeling – betrayal. "There's no doubt about it. He worked with Drazen, Viktor bribed him, to free him. They worked together all along, to help Viktor get out of Kosovo and get a new identity. Palmer authorized the mission, Nightfall, so we would think Viktor was dead, and we did. That part worked. We thought, and we were right, that no one could have survived the bombing. We didn't know, of course, that Viktor's wife and daughter were in the building, even Drazen didn't know they'd come back early and were in there. Drazen was supposed to get away. His wife and daughter were supposed to meet him a few days after he escaped and was safely in South America."
Jack paused for breath, still working out the sequence in his mind. "But he was betrayed by his own people before we even started Nightfall. Someone, one of Drazen's own men, tipped off the Kosovo Special Police, and they grabbed Viktor. The guy turned him in for a reward. They were going to execute Drazen for war crimes, but Palmer interceded again, he knew Viktor's sons would have him killed otherwise, and Palmer sent in another team, another covert Special Forces team, to bring Drazen out of Kosovo. The second mission was on Palmer's authority, but he couldn't take a chance a second time and just release him. They played it by the book and turned him over to people Andrei and Alexis had bribed in the Defense Department. The reason Viktor was kept in the secret prisons was so that no one, or at least very few people in DOD would know he was in custody, and his sons could rescue him without having to attack a regular military prison like Fort Leavenworth. That would have caused a whole investigation, and Palmer's role would have come to light. The mini-prisons were easier to hit, they were kept secret, they were lightly guarded, and Palmer was able to tell Drazen's sons which one Viktor was being held in at any given time. The one near LA was easiest because it was the oldest, the old Nike missile silo. It was falling apart, and it was impossible to defend."
Shaking his head in disbelief, he continued. "It was pure coincidence that their rescue attempt was on Super Tuesday, primary day. That just happened to be the day that Viktor was moved to that location, and Andrei and Alexis attacked the prison to get him out then."
Tony had to ask the key question. "Why would Palmer take the risk, Jack? Why did he need the money? He's wealthy, he was so successful as a lawyer before he even ran for the Presidency. Why'd he do it?"
"Because the whole thing was a sham, Tony. Palmer knew all along that Nicole had been raped, of course, but he also knew that his son Keith was involved. He'd been paying blackmail to keep it quiet, and he was being bled dry."
"Who was behind it, Jack? Who was blackmailing Palmer?"
Jack took a deep breath before he replied.
Chapter 7
"Sherry."
Tony was startled out of his seat, but he didn't interrupt Jack. "She was behind it, behind the blackmail, but Palmer didn't know that part. She was in it with that guy, what was his name, the guy he used so he didn't have to get his own hands dirty, Carl Webb. Palmer wasn't the squeaky-clean guy we all thought he was, you know, and Sherry and Webb were opportunists, the crassest kind, and Palmer never suspected it. Sherry played the dutiful wife, but she was only in it for the power. David Palmer, the savvy politician, was a complete dupe, a political cuckold, and he never even had a clue. It was only on the day of the primary that he found out what a b!tch his wife was, what she'd stoop to, when he learned that she'd known all along of Keith's involvement and I asked that he let everyone think that he'd been killed so I could rescue Kim. It wasn't until then that he realized what she was, but even then he didn't put it all together, the blackmail and Sherry's part in it. I'm not sure he knows about that even now."
"Jack, are you sure about this? This is pretty wild stuff. I mean, Palmer was the President, and you said he paid Drazen to try to kill him. This is crazy!"
"Not actually kill him, Tony. Just hear me out." Jack stopped again, still sorting things through. He drank some more of his coffee, and the break was maddening. Tony wanted to wring the information out of Jack.
He finally started again after he'd collected his thoughts. "Viktor was furious when he was captured, of course. He was supposed to be out of Kosovo, free somewhere with a new name, and I bet he had arranged for plastic surgery to complete his new identity. He felt he'd been double-crossed by Palmer when he was caught, and even if he knew it was because one of his own men turned on him I'm sure he blamed Palmer for it, whether it was his fault or not. So he wanted revenge on Palmer. He wanted to avenge his wife's and daughter's deaths, too, and he wanted me dead for that. That part never changed."
The exhaustion was unmistakable in his voice yet he couldn't slow down. "The only way Palmer could protect himself from Viktor was to fake an assassination attempt. That was to distract attention from Drazen's sons' plan to get Viktor out of the prison. Everyone, everybody in law enforcement and intelligence, was focused on Palmer, on the attempt on his life. The whole thing was set up for that reason. Palmer had to fund it to prove to Viktor that he hadn't double-crossed him, so he – Palmer – paid Gaines to capture Teri and Kim."
"Palmer paid Gaines to lure me in, get me to front for the photographer, Belkin, get him into the breakfast to set up the attempt on his life, but that's what it was, a set-up. Belkin was never supposed to shoot me. He'd been hired by Gaines to stage it, and anyway, Palmer knew I'd stop Belkin from shooting him in case something went wrong. Don't forget, he knew my record from Nightfall. Palmer was counting on me to find a way to keep him alive, isn't that something? That I'd stop the assassination? Then he was sure either the Secret Service would kill me, or the police would. Palmer and Gaines didn't care what happened to the photographer, and coincidentally the attempt would give Palmer a boost in the polls. Drazen and Gaines were going to kill Teri and Kim, of course, that was part of the plan. Gaines couldn't afford to let them live as witnesses against him, and Viktor wanted them dead for revenge against me. When I rescued them I spoiled their plans. That's why Drazen went after Teri and Kim again. But by then Palmer had gotten cold feet, he knew I'd go after him, so he agreed to keep quiet and pretend he was dead."
"Jack, hold on. How did Palmer know that Keith had been involved in that kid's death? The one who raped his daughter?"
"Sherry," Jack said. "Webb found out about Keith Palmer and decided to blackmail the Palmers. When Webb approached Sherry she told him she'd turn him in to the police. She already had dirt on Webb, her 'insurance,' and she threatened him unless he cut her in on the action, so they both blackmailed David. I mean, come on! She blackmailed her own husband! Sherry and Webb actually sent Palmer the record of Keith's hospital visit, the one he did under a different name, all anonymously so they could blackmail him. As I said, Palmer had no idea Sherry was behind it so he just paid the demand. He never said anything about it to Sherry, he trusted her and he didn't want to upset her or their kids. At least he was honorable in that. But when he was bled dry, he gave in to Viktor's demand, and he set up Nightfall to get money from Drazen. And he gave him my radio frequency," he added bitterly, for that was the worst part of all. It was what had caused the failure of the mission, and the deaths of Jack's men. It was what had sent Jack over the edge and had led to his separation from Teri, and had set in motion the events of that terrible day that ultimately led to her death.
Jack was too drained to talk more, and Tony couldn't take any more in. The men sat in silence, Jack trying to cope with how he'd been betrayed by a man he'd come to trust so completely, Tony with trying to absorb what he'd been told. It was impossible for either to do it so quickly, but Tony recovered first.
Softly he said, "Jack, let's go. C'mon, come with me."
Like an automaton, for he couldn't control his thoughts anymore, Jack followed Tony and collapsed into a chair after climbing the stairs to what used to be his office. Tony poured them both stiff drinks of scotch. Jack's – both their minds – needed numbing.
Chapter 8
There were still lots of loose ends, and it wasn't 'til the next day that Tony felt Jack was strong enough for him to try to deal with them. They sat in Jack's house, more glasses of scotch before them although it was only early afternoon, when Tony started to ask the questions that had kept him awake the night before.
"I still don't understand this, Jack," he started gently. "Why would Sherry want Palmer's money? I mean, she was his wife. She already had his money. What was his was her's, right?"
"No, not in Maryland, where they're from," Jack said wearily, for sleep had eluded him as well. "It's not the same there as it is in California, Tony. When Palmer divorced her she wouldn't automatically get half. She always thought everyone was as – as devious, as nasty, as miserable a b!tch as she was. She thought she had to protect herself in case he ever caught on to her, so she wanted to build a nest egg for herself, kind of a 'rainy day' fund if he ever left her. So when Webb gave her the opportunity she squirreled the money away, whatever she got from Palmer, and he never caught on."
He smiled ruefully. "Palmer paid taxes on the money he earned, so there was no tax fraud, but Sherry just blackmailed him out of it, and he couldn't go to anyone, tell the police, or it would have ruined his career. That's why she covered everything up in the first place, and that's why he did, too. Only he didn't know she was covering it up. And she never knew about Nightfall, or when he arranged to fake the assassination attempt. What a mess their marriage was." He shook his head in disbelief.
"It all started to fall apart when Maureen Kingsley called and told him that she knew of Keith's involvement in that kid's death. That's when Palmer knew he was in trouble, and he didn't know how to get out of it. His instincts paid off and he went public. He didn't know it was Webb who was blackmailing him, so he called him to help him out. Ironic as hell, isn't it? I don't know why Dr. Ferragamo went to Kingsley, and I'm not sure it matters, but Webb killed Dr. Ferragamo to cover his own as, not Palmer's. Palmer didn't know that, of course, he thought Webb was trying to help him by 'looking into it.' Just one more thing Palmer couldn't control."
"Jack," Tony continued, reluctant to press him, but there were still unanswered questions. "The second try. The phone bomb. Was that real?"
"Yeah, that part was. Viktor was fed up, furious, he was still being hunted, and he knew he was running out of time. He had gotten out of the DOD prison but his son Alexis was in custody, he'd been injured, so Palmer hadn't kept his part of the deal so far as Viktor was concerned. Teri, Kim and I were still alive. Teri had gotten away, and Kim was their only leverage over me. By that time Viktor only wanted Palmer dead. And me."
Jack took a big drink of his scotch, and continued thoughtfully. "It's funny in a way. If Viktor's man hadn't betrayed him, Teri would be alive. Nightfall succeeded the way Palmer wanted, the world thought Drazen was dead, so if not for the betrayal Viktor would have had his new identity, and none of the things that happened that day would have occurred. The only failure of Nightfall, so far as Palmer was concerned, was that someone – I – survived, and yet I'm the one Palmer called in to help the day that Ali was going to set off the bomb. All the ironies, Tony, all the bizarre ironies." He gazed off into something Tony couldn't see.
Jack was lost in his reverie, Tony knew, but he couldn't be left alone. Not like this, not when he must be feeling such pain.
Quietly Tony stood and went to the phone.
Chapter 9
"Jack," Logan started, "tell me what you're thinking." He'd gotten there shortly after Tony's call.
"Not much of anything," was the reply. "I – I'm kind of blank. Kind of numb, I guess. It's just too much to take in. I've wrestled with this for so many years, and for it to finally come together after all this time, to suddenly make sense, it's – I don't know. It's – I think overwhelming is the word that fits."
"That's pretty understandable," the doctor agreed. "By the way, where do you keep your glasses? I think I'd like a shot of that scotch if you don't mind."
"Help yourself," Jack responded. "The glasses are in the cabinet to the left of the sink."
Jack was mildly surprised at the request and he wondered idly whether a doctor drinking with his patient was standard medical practice, but he was glad that the man wasn't standing on protocol. God, I hate that word, he thought.
As Logan sat down again he studied Jack, and Jack met his eyes. The two were sitting as equals.
"You've lived the most astonishing life of anyone I've known, Jack," Logan said. "To have seen and done all you have, and to have been personally betrayed by the President of the United States, well, it doesn't get more – I don't know, amazing than that," he finished. "I was going to say incredible, but it's all very credible. Especially to you, although your mind's had to fight through so much of it. And you've made it, Jack. You're healing. Do you realize that?"
Jack hadn't put it together until then, the psychiatric part, but he suddenly understood why the doctor was sharing a drink with him. It wasn't part of the therapeutic process, it actually was a kind of celebration of Jack's recovery, of his working through to the other side of madness and coming out with the parts able to be fitted together to form a whole.
Dr. Logan saw the recognition on his face and raised his glass to him in a salute. Jack raised his own in response.
Chapter 10
The memories still washed over him as the sea washed against the pier, visible so far in the distance from his deck. The ironies that had beset him now ate at him, not just the day with Drazen and Gaines, but the prophetic day that Teri had cast her lot with Jack, had chosen Jack over the demands of her parents, when the decision she had termed the best of her life had sealed her fate. Oh, the bitter ironies. The tears watered his scotch as he swirled it before him, the salt untasted in the melting ice.
The progress he had celebrated with Dr. Logan seemed like a path straight to hell. At the center of all of Teri's pain was Jack, the cause of Teri's hell was Jack. If not for him, what different life would she have had? She'd be alive now, surely, she'd still be a young woman, relatively at least, with her still-infectious laugh. She'd still be the woman who could strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger over something so silly as a sno-cone, who could laugh at the crazy people and see the fun in everyday things, but still so regal, so composed, so elegant in just jeans and a t-shirt, and yet still hold herself high without being haughty. Teri, his Teri, Kim's mom, grandmother to so many, now a great-grandmother, yet still young, forever young in his mind. His Teri, but if she had been someone else's, she'd be an alive Teri. Still alive. The grief was the worst he'd ever known.
Chapter 11
Oblivion was sweet that evening, for the scotch had done its work. He'd figured out why Gaines' daughters thought he had the money. Their father had worked with Drazen, who'd obviously told his wife of Palmer's involvement, that Palmer had paid Gaines, and the Gaines girls, Lucy and Laura, had either deduced, wrongly, or been told by their mother (again, wrongly) that Jack had been working with their father. So they thought Jack knew where the money was. If there ever was any. Gaines had probably died before he could collect.
Everything in Jack's life had been built on lies, even lies he hadn't known of, and his whole life had been shaped by them. Lies had caused Teri's death, Palmer's lies, Nina's lies. If not for Keith Palmer's lie Palmer would not have been blackmailed, so he would never have needed Drazen's money. If not for Palmer's lies Jack would never have been sent to Kosovo, so Viktor's wife and daughter would not have been killed. If not for Nightfall, there would have been no need for Nina's involvement. If not for all Nina's lies, Teri would be alive. And Jack had been involved with all of those, those – people. He thought the word with venom. They seemed more like animals, like slugs, without feelings, without humanity. But they were people, and they'd shaped his life, and he'd been sucked in by them, played by them in one way or another, directly or indirectly. Every damn one.
The scotch went down too smoothly, it ought to burn his guts out, it ought to sear them with pain so that he would suffer, make him writhe or scream, but it didn't. Nothing brought on what he deserved to feel, the awful, awful pain that should tear through his body. He couldn't bring on the physical hurt to match the emotional torment wrenching him. Another thing in his life that wasn't fair. But his life had never been fair. He had never suffered enough.
Teri was the one who had always suffered, and it had always been because of him. From the day they met, it seemed, from the day he first met her parents she'd been tormented, torn apart by their disapproval, and she should have listened to them. He couldn't escape his thoughts, his feelings of the night before. If only she'd listened to them she'd be alive. She'd have made a different life, a better life if only she'd married a better man. The scotch wasn't really helping. It had just dulled things for awhile, but not nearly long enough, and now the bottle was empty. He stumbled as he got up for another, and his fall was hard when his foot hit the table leg.
Chapter 12
He came to the next morning on the deck, his body chilled, his head throbbing worse than he could remember, and the stickiness he felt on his hand when he pushed up to try to stand told him he'd hurt himself when he'd fallen. He limped inside and wet a towel, and it came away from his head covered in dried blood. Great, Jack, he thought through his daze.
The pounding ebbed some with the aspirin he washed down with orange juice, but it still hurt even with the window blinds drawn, and he had to steel himself to look in the bathroom mirror. There was a cut low on his scalp, starting to scab over just at the hairline, a gash that probably could have used some stitches, but he was sure it was too late now. The bleeding had stopped on its own, but it would probably leave a scar, and he'd have to answer to Kim, and probably Logan, for it. Damn! he thought. Not now, not when things are starting to change.
He attributed the wooziness to aspirin on an empty stomach, not liking what else it could mean, and he forced himself to fix some toast although food was hardly what he wanted. After forcing it down it forced its way back up, and he resigned himself to the likelihood that he'd sustained a concussion, something he knew even he couldn't be stupid enough to ignore. They'd want to know how it happened, and that it was hours old, more than several hours old, would heighten their suspicions that he'd been out of it, probably drunk, when it occurred.
With resignation he called Kim and told her he'd had an accident and needed to see a doctor. That admission alone scared her, and she and Chase were at his house in minutes. Chase noticed the broken scotch bottle and glass on the deck immediately, something Jack had missed, and they quickly got Jack to the emergency room.
Tests confirmed Jack's suspicions, and despite his protestations he was consigned again to Kim's guest room for an indefinite stay, with instructions from the doctor to rest. Dr. Logan was called, and the next morning Kim drove Jack to see him.
As before, Logan pulled no punches. "What happened, Jack?" he asked as soon as they were seated. There was no hint of accusation in his tone, only concern.
"Self-pity, I think, guilt, a combination, probably," he said. "I just started thinking of how everything that happened, everything I was a part of just led straight through me to Teri. She made a decision so long ago, she said it was the best decision of her life when she left her parents and went with me, and it led to her death. The irony just hit me, and I went to pieces. Some breakthrough, huh?" He heard the bitterness in his voice, even through the pounding, and it made him wince. He thought, he'd hoped, he was beyond it.
"Jack, you've made the breakthrough. That's why you're feeling this now. You're putting it all together, how it's affected you, how it's linked to Teri. You're letting yourself feel now, you're finally grieving, don't you see? Before you blocked it all out, you wouldn't let yourself make the connections because you walled off your emotions. Now you're past that. That's what the breakdown was, it led to the breakthrough. This is the final part, putting it all back together. Yes, there are setbacks, but this isn't one. You're being too hard on yourself, for a change. You expect it to go smoothly, and life just isn't like that. You, of all people, know that. Life has bumps. Damnit, fcking craters and crevices and goddamn alps. You've had all the ups and downs anyone could have, and you've climbed and crept and you're coming out of that last hole now. You got a cut on your head, but you didn't put a bullet in it. You're almost there, Jack. You're almost there."
He sat back in his chair and looked at Jack closely, while Jack looked down at his hands, trying to absorb Dr. Logan's words. "You think I'm well now?" he asked in a low, incredulous voice. "This is healthy?"
"This is getting healthy, yes. I'd say you're mentally healthy." Jack was struck by the doctor's tone, upbeat, optimistic. "Do you have any idea how many people in this country, on this planet, are neurotic? Most of us, Jack. Way more than half. I'm not sure there's even one person alive who's not neurotic in at least one way or another. You've got more than your share of – shall we say – foibles, Jack? Quirks? Yeah, you're neurotic, but you're sure not psychotic or anything close, you're barely showing symptoms of depression now. The meds are working very, very well, we've got you on the right drugs and doses now. And I think you'll stay that way. You'll always have ups and downs, Jack, but you're a smart man. You'll take your meds, we'll continue therapy on a less frequent basis because I think that's all you need now, and if you need more once in awhile, that's fine. We'll adjust your meds if we have to, that's not uncommon, a lot of people need a 'tune-up' from time to time, and if there's a recurrence of the PTSD we'll deal with it. But if you slip once in awhile and have a pity party that's okay, too. We all have moods like that. What's important is that we don't wallow in them. And I don't think you will."
Jack watched Logan, analyzing what he was hearing. It fit, so far as he could tell. He was coping, he was living. He'd asked for help that morning instead of ignoring his injury or trying to hide it. He'd gone to see Logan willingly. He'd actually met a woman he was attracted to. He'd even asked her out, and he wasn't an impulsive man, socially at least. Anything but. As he thought about it further he realized a new word might apply to him. He was starting to feel happy, despite the terrible things he was wrestling with. Most amazingly, he didn't feel guilty about it. He felt he was putting them in their place. In the past.
