Ch 7Confusion, Frustration and finally some Self-Realization
Ron stood dumbfounded at the bottom of the stairs. The kitchen was empty. Hadnt they just gone down for a snack? Furrowing his brow, Ron peered around the corner to see if they were hiding from him.
"Harry? Ginny?" he called hesitantly. He stepped into the kitchen and saw no one.
"Where the bloody hell are they? HARRY! GINNY!" Nothing but silence. He walked all around the bottom floor of his house looking for any sign of life anywhere. He didn't even hear explosions coming from the Twins' room. It seemed no one was home.
Ron sat flabbergasted at the kitchen table, not able to think of any place the pair would have zoomed off to like that. Not without telling him!
He set the diary on the table in front of him and slumped back in his chair. Reflecting on everything he'd just read, Ron smiled. He still couldn't get over the fact that he had just read part of Hermione's private diary, and discovered that she in fact loved him just as he loved her.
But what if she doesn't feel the same way any more? Ron was suddenly worried. Ginny told him to call Hermione, but what if Ginny were wrong? Ginny could be wrong. He sighed, considering the possibilities of what could happen if Ginny were wrong. Hermione might just sit there, or laugh at him, or never want to talk to him again. She might be perfectly happy living far away from him, she may have found a new man to satisfy her…Ron's head snapped up at the thought of a new man. He shuddered. Though he and Hermione had yet to share any intimate moments, imagining her with anyone else made him sick.
Ron got up, walked to the sink and stared out the window. He watched as the gnomes ran happily through the garden, thinking how angry his mother would be later. He grimaced, imaginging the yelling. If there was one thing he avoided like the plague, it was upsetting his mother to the point of yelling. There was only ever one other person he hated upsetting more…and she lived too far away for him to apologize.
A bird landed on the windowsill and chirped merrily. Ron looked at it, deep in thought. "What am I supposed to say to her? I cant just waltz up to her door, knock and confess how much I love her. Like that actually works in reality." He scoffed, crossed his arms and stared thoughtfully past the bird into the distance. "And besides, she'd never believe me. She'd just think I was mental. I mean, honestly, I haven't talked to or seen the girl in over 9 months and I haven't received a letter in over six, so I get the impression that maybe she doesn't really want to see or talk to me." Now Ron was worried. What if Hermione really never cared to see him again? Granted, she'd never said anything of the sort, but then again she hadn't made any Hermione-like gestures toward reaching him. Ron sighed again and flung his arms up in the air. "What the bloody hell am I supposed to do!"
"Well, you can stop talking to yourself for starters."
Ron whipped around to find his troublesome twin brothers sitting on the stairs watching him. Rolling his eyes, Ron said, "Of course. Just what I needed today. You two eavesdropping."
"Well its sorta hard not to eavesdrop, Ronnikins, when little Miss Lovesalot is yelling about his girly problems in the kitchen."
"I was NOT yelling. I - "
"It doesn't matter if you were yelling or not - " George got up and walked towards his younger brother. Fred followed. "What matters, is that we are now here, to help."
"And perhaps I can help more so than George." George made a confused gesture towards his twin, who replied with a 'you-know-what-I-mean' glance, and George nodded his head in defeat.
"He's right. I'm useless. I completely botched things up with Katie."
"Anyway, Ronnikins," Fred clapped his brother on the shoulder and steered him towards the table. "What you have here is a typical love story dilemma. Boy meets girl - "
"- boy befriends girl - "
" – boy loves girl but wont tell her -"
"- boy loses girl and doesn't see her for a year -"
"- boy needs to tell her he loves her but doesn't know how. You see it every day."
Ron was not entirely amused by the twins' storytelling, but listened anyway. He wouldn't admit it to them, but any advice would be good advice. Though Ron had dated a few girls off and on after the war, he was no better with women than Harry was…
…There had been Beth, the 19 year old witch-turned-waitress in London. But Ron could never remember her name. And then Denise, who got angrier at Ron more often than Hermione ever had. And the one date he suffered with Theodora, Parvati's younger cousin who was more vapid, senseless and shallow-minded than any girl Ron had seen on American reality TV. After dating and dumping a handful of girls, Ron came to the brilliant conclusion that after so many years of being hounded by Hermione, lectured by Hermione and looked after by Hermione, there was really only one kind of woman for Ron. A Hermione. She needed to be intelligent, and able to hold her own in a conversation (unlike the slightly brain-damanged Theodora); she needed to be pretty, but not worried constantly about her beauty (ala Lavendar and Parvati); she should be ambitious but not obsessive (as in the over-zealous Denise); and she needed to understand him, his moods, his thought patterns, and most of all, his heart (unlike any of the women he'd met, other than his best friend). In short, the only girl for Ron was the only girl he couldn't get his hands on.
"But its not like you ever really tried." Fred cut into Ron's thoughts. Ron narrowed his eyes at his brother. How do they DO that? Ron thought angrily in awe. On more than one occasion, his brothers – and sister for that matter – had been able to jump right into Ron's thoughts. It nearly scared him, but he ignored the feeling of being invaded, and answered Fred's comment.
"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" Ron defensively crossed his arms.
George chuckled and smiled at his twin. "Fred is merely referring to the fact that in all the years you were friends with Hermione - "
" – and in all the years that you had opportunity after opportunity to act on your feelings - "
" – you let all those years pass on by, and never told the girl that you were mad crazy head over heels in love with her."
Still unamused, Ron didn't say anything. He couldn't argue with his brothers. They were right. Though, it wasn't really all that many years; he hadnt realized his feelings until he was 14 and really, what 14-year-old is going to admit to being in love?
"Well, this is all really fascinating, I love traveling down Memory Lane with you two, but I thought you were here to help me." Ron looked pointedly at his brothers and moved towards the table. "I know perfectly well, thanks to you, Ginny, Mum, Harry and the bloody rest of the wizarding world, that I have been an idiot. I don't need to be reminded. What I don't know perfectly well is how to not be one anymore." He sighed. He looked at his brothers who had now moved directly across from him at the table and said less aggressively, "Look, for the first time, and maybe the only time, I am actually asking you two for help. Because its been too long, and I don't know how to fix…fix what I fucked up. You think you botched it with Katie? Well, how many times have you yelled at her about 'fraternizing with the enemy'? Or accusing her of going behind your back and secretly snogging the Ravenclaw prefect? And how many times have you suggested that she marry a book since she pays more attention to them than to her own friends? Merlin, I was a bastard to her…" Ron looked slightly abashed. The twins even looked worried.
But Fred spoke up. "Mate, that was all in the past! I'm sure if Hermione is as logical and practical as she always seemed to be (aside from when she was fighting with you and being more emotional than a drag queen with PMS), then I'm sure she's let that all go." He nodded, smiling, as if that solved everything.
Ron did not seem so sure. "You didn't hear our last conversation. The one before she left…" Ron winced as he recalled his harsh words. "It was not pretty."
"Ok, what about the
last time you saw her? At Christmas wasn't it? How did that
go?"
Ron thought for a moment, staring off into space…
The old friends stared at one another. They looked surprisingly similar as they had growing up, but now an unfamiliar awkwardness filled the space between them.
"Hey." She smiled tentatively at him, thinking that he had no idea how badly she wanted to hug him, hold him, just to touch him.
"Hi." He dug his hands into his pockets, not knowing which he wanted more: to give her the cold shoulder for running away, or to embrace her tightly now that she was home. "Its been a long time."
"Yes it has. How have you been?" She moved a little closer towards him, causing him to turn around and run his hand through his hair when he answered.
"Oh, you know, the same. I mean, obviously, things are different, but everything else…the same." He closed his eyes, cursing himself for sounding like a moron.
She didn't respond. He turned around to find her facing the house. She took a deep breath, as if about to say something, but then stopped herself. Then she started again, "Salem is really nice. You should come visit. You might really like it. I do, at least. Its been really good for me, I think." She turned to face him and tried to smile like she used to. "But -"
"RON! HERMIONE! DINNER IS READY!"
She hung her head, not finishing her sentence. He kicked some dirt before they both turned and headed towards the Burrow.
"Umm…it didn't go so well. Well, there was no yelling at least. But there wasn't much of anything else either." Ron grunted out of frustration, kicked himself up from the table and started pacing.
'This shouldn't be this difficult, you know? I mean, I should probably just suck it up, go over to wherever it is she's living and knock on her door and tell her how I bloody feel and have felt and will always feel and just get on with it, but I cant! I cant! And do you know why I cant?" He was practically yelling, so the twins said nothing and just shook their heads.
"Because I'm scared she doesn't love me!" Ron let out a bunch of air and ran both his hands through his hair. "I'm scared I've completey ruined our relationship. Or that if it isnt already buggered, that if I go over there, it will be! Can you believe this?" he started laughing. "I have faced giant spiders, dementors, Death Eaters, and the thing I'm most scared about is telling Hermione that I love her." His chuckles turned into genuine laughter. He sat back at the table, slapping his knee; tears even formed in his eyes.
Fred stood up, a little worried about his brother's sanity. "Ronnikins…" but Ron just kept on laughing. "Ron, you're worrying me…you're acting a lot like Harry…"
George walked over to Ron, glanced at his brother, glanced back at the near hysterical Ron and smacked him. Ron sat up straight, red in the face from laughing, glaring confusedly at his brother.
"What the bloody hell did you do that for?" he asked as he rubbed his cheek.
"To calm you down, you bloody monkey. Now listen to me. I am going to be completely serious for about 30 seconds, so pay attention, because there is only going to be one person that I ever repeat this to, and she's not here right now." He squatted down in front of Ron, with Fred standing at his side and looked Ron straight in the face. "I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. Everyone knows that. But I've also done a lot of great things – putting it to Umbridge for one, working for the Order for another – but out of all the things I've done in my life, the greatest thing I've ever done…was love Katie, and the dumbest thing I've ever done was let her walk out of my front door. So, as your older brother, I'm telling you - not suggesting, not advising, but telling you - that you are going to America. And you are going to find her, and the first thing that you are going to do when you see her is pull her tight to you and kiss her harder than you've kissed anybody in your entire life. And then you are going to look her squarely in the face and say four things: I love you, Hermione. I always have and I always will. I'm sorry for being an idiot. Please come home with me." George stood up, and Fred clapped him on the shoulder. He didn't make a smart-ass comment or joke, he just nodded and looked at Ron.
"He's right. That was beautiful mate. Now, I think you need to be on your way somewhere. I'll help Ron out." He smiled at his brother, who smiled back, and then they embraced, slapping one another on the back. George disapperated, leaving Ron, stunned, alone with Fred.
Ron's eyes were round with shock, and his brow narrowed in confusion, and his mouth open, with no words coming out. Never, in his entire life, had Ron witnessed such a moment involving Fred and George. They Serious. About women. Granted, Ron had seen his brothers quite serious during the war, but in general, they kept everyone's spirits up with their jovial sense of humor and creative inventions. When they were serious, they were angry and fighting a battle. Life during the war was taken very seriously by the twins. But Ron couldn't think to a time where they took anything serious regarding women.
Ron glanced at Fred and then at the floor. George was right. But there was still that knot of guilt and anxious anticipation that tore apart his stomach. He sat staring at his knees, thinking.
"Ron, do you know where she is?"
"Yeah. Somewhere in Salem. Unless she's moved. But I highly doubt that. She's living with that girl she wrote to all the time."
"Ok, well all you need to do is find out exactly where they live and get there asap."
"Yeah, but the only person that knows exactly where they live is Ginny. And she doesn't appear to be here." He stood up, running his hands through his hair before jamming them in his pockets. "I wonder where she is. She and Harry came down here for a snack, and when I came down they were gone…as were you. Where were you?"
"Oh we had to go to our shop; the idiot we have working behind the counter blew up his head like a balloon with our new Balloon Bubble Chewing Gum." He shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Biggest moron I've ever met. And that's discounting you." He winked at Ron, who gestured rudely before going back to the table.
He looked down at Hermione's journal. He picked it up and flipped through it, wondering how in the world he was going to do this.
"...then I thought that maybe Ginny might be right. That Ron might actually feel the same way about me. There are times when he is gentle and sweet and I see something in his eyes – a certain spark that I cant explain. Is it love? Affection? Longing? Or am I imagining it? This sounds completely girly and unoriginal, but, every night, or nearly every night, the easiest way for me to fall asleep is to imagine his arms around me, holding me tight, his breath in my ear, as we fall asleep together. It may never happen, ever. But for now, pretending it does is easier than facing the nights completely alone. Am I ridiculous for doing so? I confessed this secret to Ginny, the one person who knows how I feel, and she said she understood completely. That its not ridiculous at all. She said not to give up hope, and that maybe I should stop being so stupid and just tell him. Right. Like I could do that. But maybe she's right. Ginny's a very smart girl..."
Suddenly a loud noise came from the living room. Ron stopped reading, slammed the book shut and looked up at Fred who looked just as confused and curious as he did. Then they heard laughing. They nodded to one another, walked slowly together to the doorway and looked in. Ginny and Harry were standing in front of the fireplace, laughing, brushing off soot from their clothes. Ron and Fred, without realizing it, both crossed their arms and looked sternly at the pair.
Harry and Ginny saw that her brothers were silently staring at them. Harry stopped laughing immediately, and moved behind Ginny, who took a defiant posture and looked at her brothers.
"Where have you two been?" Ron asked very slowly.
Harry noticed the familiar angry crease between Ron's eyebrows and felt himself pull closer to Ginny.
"In Paris. I was showing Harry my flat, and a few of the local sights. But I really don't see how its any of your business." Ginny smiled and turned to Harry and said, "Look at them, don't they remind you of how Crabbe and Goyle used to look." She giggled and started to walk towards the kitchen.
The brothers didn't budge. Harry gulped. He figured Ron would be a little irritated that they had left without saying anything, but he didn't expect him to be as angry as he looked.
"Just where do you think you're headed?" Fred asked, imitating his mother's voice.
Ginny stopped and stared at her brother. "What are you guys doing! Harry and I went for a walk. Must you really act like such over protective oafs? I am 20 years old. I can do what I like with who I like, so get out of my way." She pushed through the boys, and motioned for Harry to follow, but the boys closed the gap, facing Harry like two bouncers. Harry was not looking forward to this.
"Where did you go?"
"Where did you take
her?"
"What did you do?"
"Did you touch her?"
"HONESTLY! RON! FRED!" Ginny reached through and pulled Harry into the kitchen. Harry didn't understand why they were acting like this. It was worrying him slightly.
Ron and Fred turned to the kitchen, still with their arms crossed. The looked at each other, and finally smiled and let their arms down.
"We're just
messing with you two. We know you didn't do anything. Come on,
Harry. Don't look so shaken. You look slightly guilty."
Harry
laughed to keep them from suspecting anything, but his heart was
still beating rather fast. He sat down at the table.
"So what have you two been doing?" Ginny asked as she sat down next to Harry.
Fred jumped in before Ron had a chance, "Well, George and I came home to find this one talking to himself about a particular curly haired female. Apparently he's realized his true feelings for her and needs your help in locating her so that he can go pour out his pining heart to his one true love." Fred said this all very matter-of-factly and rather quickly, and ended it by patting Ron hard on the shoulder.
Ginny cocked her head towards Ron and smiled. "So I take it that you read Hermione's diary?"
"Well," Ron began, feeling his face grow redder by the second. "I read some of it. actually, quite a lot of it. I just…" Ron didn't really want to start blubbering on about Hermione, especially in front of Harry, but with a playful nudge from his brother, he decided just to say it. "I need to find her to tell her I want her to come home."
"Why do you want her to come home?" Ginny smiled deviously at her brother.
Ron sighed and shrugged his shoulders as he answered, "You know why Gin." He paused. "Because I love her."
Ginny smiled, very satisfied. She turned to Harry and said, "See, I told you it would work." She looked back at her brother who was trying not to smile; he figured out what Ginny did.
"So can you help me? I know you know where she lives."
Ginny stood up and marched up to her bedroom. "Sure. Just let me put a few things in a bag, and we'll be on our way."
Ron watched with a
question on his face as she ascended the stairs. "What? You're
going with me?"
"I haven't watched you long after her for
this long to not see her face when you finally tell her!"
She grinned and went into her bedroom. Ron just shook his head and
stared at the diary in his hands.
Harry stood up and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "I don't spose you have a few extra clothes I could borrow, eh?" he grinned at Ron who just laughed. It was about to happen – he was finally going to set things straight between him and Hermione. And Ginny and Harry were going to be there to watch him get the girl of his dreams…or pick him up when he falls flat on his face. Whichever happened, he was glad they were coming.
The next morning, when Hermione woke up, Kevin was gone. Confused, Hermione looked around the room for any sign as to why he might have left. Wrapping the sheets around her body, Hermione stumbled out of bed and over to her dresser where she saw a note stuck in the mirror:
"Went out to get coffee and bagels. Back in a bit. Love, Kevin"
Hermione smiled to herself and bit her lip. Sometimes she couldn't get over Kevin's sweetness.
Hermione decided to surprise Kevin when he came back, and crawled back into bed to fnd the sexiest position she could remember from all those Cosmopolitan magazines her friends had forced down her throat. Rolling from side to side, stretching out her legs and throwing back her arms, Hermione felt ridiculous. I can't pull off 'sexy', what am I thinking? She flung her right arm behind her head, thrust her left leg out in front of her and positioned the sheets just over the right parts of her body when there was a bold knock on the door. Startled, Hermione flailed her arms about, twisting herself in the sheets and ultimately falling out of bed.
"In a minute!" she yelled, scrambling for boxers, a shirt, underwear – anything to make herself half decent. Sighing, she found pj pants and an old t-shirt and threw them on. "I'm coming!" Who could this be at this hour? What in the hell do they want? Hermione glanced at her bed, and threw her hands up in the air, not believing what she had just attempted to do. Never again.
She scurried to the door and peeped through. Christine. Confused, Hermione opened the door. "Why are you knocking? Forget your key again?"
"No. I worked late, and stayed at Scott's for the night."
"Oh ok…" Hermione still didn't understand why her roommate was knocking, but let it go.
Christine surveyed her roommate and laughed. "I can see you had a wild night." She made her way to the kitchen as Hermione looked down at her clothes. Now she could see that the PJs she put on were indeed her favorite old red ones from 3rd year that Mrs. Weasley had made her, and were rather too small for her. And she was wearing Kevin's t-shirt inside out and backwards.
"Well, I was trying to get dressed in a hurry when I heard you knocking so frantically. You sounded like you were in a hurry. What's wrong?"
Christine acted casual, pouring herself a cup of juice. "Oh nothing is wrong. I was just walking back here when I saw Kevin walking down to the end of the square for bagels. And I thought, 'aha! Perfect time to talk to Hermione!'" She closed the juice carton put it back in the fridge and sat down at the kitchen counter.
"About what? What did you want to talk to me about?" Hermione was absolutely confused but curious at the same time. She walked over to sit next to Christine, who looked as if she had a hidden motive up her sleeve.
"Oh, nothing. Except this!" she pulled out a black notebook from her bag. Hermione's eyes widened as soon as she saw it and she tried to grab it back. Christine jerked it away, and smiled at her roommate. "Oh no missy! Finders keepers!"
"Christine! Where did you find that!" Hermione could feel her heart racing.
"You left it in my car the other day when I dropped you off."
Hermione's eyes became very wide again.
"Oh don't worry Hermione. Nobody else read it."
"But…you did?"
"I have to admit I was curious. I thought, maybe Hermione has a little black book of men? That couldn't be, that's ridiculous. Instead, it's a little black book of man. One man in particular…"
"Christine…" Hermione did not like the way this conversation was headed. Suddenly, Christine put the book on the counter and softened her gaze.
"Hermione, my dear friend, I thought you said you didn't love him?"
"I don't, I - " Hermione heavy sighed and looked at the book. Her journal. She'd kept a journal since she was 11, the day she found out she was a witch. And she'd never been able to drop the habit. Throughout her Hogwarts days, she'd used special charms to keep her diary protected, but as a muggle, she didn't deem it necessary.
"Hermione, can I ask you a question?"
"How can I stop you? Its in your nature isn't it?" Hermione braced herself for what was sure to be the third degree.
"Why
did you leave England?"
Hermione looked up at Christine sharply.
"You know why I left England!"
"Why did you leave England,
Hermione?"
"Because it was too much! I needed to get out of there!" Hermione could tell that
Christine wanted more. "Look, I wasted a year of my life waiting to die, waiting for Voldemort. An entire year! The most important year, right after graduation. Instead of going on to succeed in a new job or apprenticeship, I was waiting to finish what I assumed would have been done at Hogwarts. Seven years at Hogwarts, seven years of Voldemort. But it didn't work out that way. And when death never came, and we actually won, I wasted another six months walking through life as a zombie. I had to leave, you know that. You're the one that pushed me to come here." Hermione crossed her arms very defensively, nearly glaring at her roommate.
"Right. Hermione, I think what you did was right. I'm not trying to tell you that you shouldn't have come here. All I'm doing is asking why."
"And I just told you."
"Ok. If that's the only reason, then why do you still pine after him?"
"I do not pine after anybody! In case you havent noticed, I am in a serious relationship with Kevin! And I - "
"Hermione. Listen to me, and I'm saying this as your friend who cares deeply about you: tell him that you love him…that you always have and always will."
Hermione was quiet for a moment, contemplating everything her friend was saying, and wondering how much of her journal she had indeed read.
"Don't worry, I only read a couple pages. I didn't even need to read that much to get the gist of the entire thing."
Hermione almost laughed. It was rather ridiculous in her opinion, but writing about her problems was the only way she could ever solve them. Her journal was her therapy.
"So…you don't think my getting involved with Kevin is a good idea?"
"No, I think it's a wonderful idea. One of the best things you've done since you've been here. Finally letting yourself enjoy life. I just think, its time for you to go back to England to enjoy it. Go back to the man you love."
Hermione looked dubious. "And you got all this, from that?" indicating the journal.
Christine nodded wisely. "Hermione, you left England to escape the immediate misery and your immediate problems. Those problems are now solved. You are once again alive, no longer a zombie, and back to being your very studious, very successful self. You've gained some experience, you've finally gained some weight back, and I think you're ready to go back home."
Hermione hung her head back and sighed. Why did Christine always have to be so right? It really irritated her, but at the same time she was glad to have such a loyal and honest friend.
"I don't know, Christine. I don't know if I'm ready. I was finally getting over - "
"No, you're not 'finally getting over' him, you were never under him! You want to be though." Christine smiled her devilish smile and took a drink from her cup.
"Christine! I cannot
believe you just said that!"
"Yes you can! Its me! But
seriously Hermione, you're not over him, you never will be. So just
admit it to yourself and let yourself be happy!"
"I am happy! I had an amazing night last night! Kevin is amazing and sweet and kind and smart and - "
Just then the door opened. "Helloooo? Guess who brought breakfast!" Kevin came sweeping into the living room, smiling, holding two big brown bags and a cup holder with three cups of coffee. "Hey Christine! I brought enough for the three of us."
Christine stood up. "That's sweet of you, Kevin. But I was just leaving." She walked into the kitchen to put away her cup, as Hermione glared at her and Kevin set everything down on the coffee table. Hermione got up to kiss Kevin hello, and heard Christine rummaging underneath the sink. Then she heard the door open and shut, and when she turned to say goodbye to Christine, she was gone. Hermione didn't hear what Kevin was saying because sitting on the counter was a broken picture frame, holding a laughing photo of the redhaired man she loved.
A/N: I want to apologize for not updating earlier. I've had this written for over a month but with school and exams and then moving temporarily to Canada for the summer and work work work….but I really want to finish this story soon. My goal for being in Canada was to write more. So I promise I'll write more soon! I really want to finish this. Its been nagging at me for so long. But I do appreciate any of you who take the time to read my story. I hope you're enjoying it. Remember Read and review! THANK YOU!
