Each individual chapter will have a different rating, different pairings, different spoilers, and a different setting and timeline. Multiple people were involved in writing this fic, I do not claim to have written anything other than my own characters. I do however claim to have come up with the plot, story idea, and organizing it all. The others who write characters in this fic are well aware that I am posting it, and contribute willingly. This fic is an ongoing project with an unknown number of parts, with alternate storyline as of the fifth laboratory incident. Enjoy!
Practical Joke Gone Wrong: Sensei Style
Rating: PG13
Pairings: Implied RoyxEd, admitted affections in the RoyxEd direction.
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Roy and Izumi were written by my friends, plot written by me. It's like a collaboration fic.
Spoilers: If you don't know about Ed and Al's sensei, this is spoiler material.
Setting: Roy's office, Central City.
Timeline: About a week after Ed stormed out of Roy's office.
Roy Mustang shifted the cold compress on his jaw and sighed.
It had been a long week. All weeks were long weeks, actually, but this particular one had been... longer than usual. The absence of a certain loud-mouthed chaos-causer might have contributed to the seemingly incredible slowness with which the hours inched by, but Roy Mustang was not dwelling on that absence. No, not at all. In fact, his mind was perfectly free of thoughts of Edwa--of that nuisance.
That blond, annoying, somehow attra--uh--er, that ... nuisance.
Having left Al behind with Izumi(maybe that wasn't such a good idea, Ed...really...), Edward Elric shrugged off his escorts and kicked open the office doors, shuffling inside and otherwise trying to act morose just a bit too hard.
The truth was he was actually almost thankful to Ro--that bastard of a Colonel for busting him out of the hellish grasp that belonged to his former teacher. Almost.
From behind his desk, Roy shifted into Glare Mode. He remained frostily silent as the Fullmetal Alchemist seated himself in front of the desk, waiting for the younger man to become sufficiently uncomfortable enough to break the silence first.
Of course, Ed wasn't going to give that satisfaction to the arrogant sonofabitch in front of him. Not at all.
Instead, he stood back up and leaned over across Roy's desk with That Grin on his face. "Soooo...didja miss me, Cooolonel?" It was mocking, it was talking down to a superior, and it was everything that he shouldn't have been doing. But he did it anyway, and hell if he didn't love every second of it and every silky little sickeningly friendly-chatter word that slipped off of his tongue.
"Sit," Roy said shortly, barely hiding the wince that talking with his stitched lip induced. "Now."
"Huuh...whyyyyy...am I bothering you, Roy...?"
Ed could practically feel the tension in the room grow heavier with each word, and he leaned further, closer to Roy, That Grin still in place, but growing wider and more cattish with each twitch of the Colonel's features.
Roy twitched. What the hell was that bastard playing at...? "Sit."
Ed still ignored the order, instead climbing up onto Roy's desk and crawling closer, not quite uncomfortably close just yet, but close enough to feel the cold that filtered through the air from the compress on the man's cheek.
"Ooooh so you want me to play doggie, huh?" That grin couldn't possibly get any wider.
"I want to play sitdownrightnowbeforeIhaveyoucourtmartiled," Roy breathed, eyes blazing.
Ed scooted forward a bit more, fiery gold staring directly into fiery black as the tips of their noses touched. Gloved right hand reached up and lightly brushed unfeeling fingertips across the still swollen jaw of his superior, down just a bit to press lightly at the stitched lower lip.
"Does it hurt much?" Edward was surprised at how genuine that sounded, if he didn't know himself he'd think he really was worried about the man.
"Show your contrition," Roy gritted, dark eyes glittering strangely. "Sit. Now."
"Give me a reason to and I will...and don't say you'll court-martial me because I'm pretty sure you're already having that taken care of as we speak anyway." Golden eyes had a bit of something else in them that Ed would've completely denied had he seen it there himself.
"Does it hurt much?" The blond alchemist repeated his question, still not making any move to be seated.
"No. Now sit. Because I want you to." The black haired man pulled back, away from Edward's hand.
"Liar..." Ed scooted up to the edge of the desk and leaned forward still, almost to the point of leaning dangerously far.
"I'm sorry..." That was too genuine, Ed thought...what was he doing?
"You're going to fall. Sit." Roy's annoyance started to show, his bland expression losing hold.
Almost there...
The lack of that grin now should've been a flashing light though, but Ed didn't even notice that his expression had changed, eyes softer, slightly out of focus and glazed. "Hey... Colonel...I'm really sorry..."
Edward reached out to touch Roy's face again, leaning to the point where it could be called dangerous without a doubt.
Roy abruptly surged up to a standing position, knocking the chair away in his haste as he stared down at the young alchemist. "What are you doing?"
"Eyaah!"
At Roy's abrupt motion, Ed tilted just that tiny bit more that crossed the line, and gravity had a field day.
One Fullmetal Alchemist, affected by gravity, did the one thing that his disoriented mind could think of, and grabbed on to the nearest object to keep from falling.
Said nearest object, however, just so happened to be Roy Mustang, and, also affected by gravity, this ended up with the Colonel going down too.
All in all, it painted a very awkward picture were somebody to walk in on them just then. Edward Elric was looking a bit flustered and was breathing a bit quickly due to the scare, hair a bit of a disarray, laying on top of Colonel Roy Mustang, partially hidden behind his desk, with papers on said desk strewn everywhere and very much a mess.
Roy flinched as unexpected bits of anatomy settled onto various other unexpected bits of anatomy. He shoved at Edward. "Didn't I tell you you'd fall, idiot? Damn, you're heavy. Must be all that automail. Now get off."
Izumi knocked on the door, pretty sure that her scapegrace stu- er, well, former student was behind there. She heard a grown man squeak something suspiciously like "...you doing?!" After that, she heard a boyish squeak and two bodies land heavily on the floor. She got very very worried. She knocked harder and opened the door.
Gold eyes noticed the movement at the door, traveling along the floor to meet a pair of sandal-clad feet...and the bottom of a white...oh...shit...
"EEEEIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Making matters worse, Ed's 'Izumi-mode' had kicked in, causing him to cling to Roy for dear life, most likely far more tightly than could possibly be comfortable, as his brain was hoping that somehow he might meld with Roy and disappear if he could maybe just hide his head in Roy's jacket.
Roy suddenly found his airway constricted by a certain alchemist's vise-like grip. He choked incoherently, attempting to shove Edward off.
Admittedly, Izumi had seen a lot of really horrendous things in her life. But nothing had even come close to preparing her for seeing her student, hell, her adoptive son in a position like that with a grown man!
It took her a few moments to get the speech portions of her brain back up online and functional but when it did, her roar nearly shattered the window.
"EDWARD ELRIC, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Hidemehidemehidemehidemehidemehidemehideme!!!" Ed was whimpering as he clung to Roy's clothes, wriggling like mad as what could be classified as The Most Terrified Look Ever suddenly was given to Roy, combined with the Dear God Please Save Me DO SOMETHING! look.
Black eyes glazed over momentarily as bits of Edward that Roy would really not rather be rubbed against him made prolonged contact.
"Uh," Roy said, intelligently.
Izumi stalked over, rather red in the face (embarrassment? or rage? find out next time...). Giving that scary, mad-alchemist-teacher-who's-probably-more-than-just-slightly-insane look that she was so good at, she reached down, seized the back of Ed's coat and peeled him off the Colonel.
"Edward. What. The. Hell. Were. You. Just. Doing."
"MEEEEEEEEEP!" Ed's arms were flailing, reaching out to Roy with a desperate cry for help. Words were still failing him at the moment, and suddenly his brain registered something. Something that made him go completely stock-still and stiff.
You know...that...felt kinda nice...
"Uh," said Roy again. He felt as if thoughts were percolating very slowly back into his brain. He groped for the edge of the desk, found it, and pulled himself up with a groan. Damn pointy automail, digging into soft bits... Ugh...
Deciding that having both miscreants in her firm grasp would probably be the best thing at the moment, Izumi switched Ed over into her other hand and grabbed Roy's shaggy black hair. She bent him back over so she could glare scarily into his eyes.
"AND YOU. Letting, no, encouraging him like that! What the hell were you thinking!?"
"Encouraging?" Ninja housewife looked decidedly more imposing when one was staring at her upside-down, livid face, her dreadlocks trembling in rage. Roy wondered whether he'd hit his head in that last fall. The woman actually thought he was encouraging Elric to...?
Ed let out a pained squeak involuntarily at seeing Izumi drag Roy into this, and something inside him made him think crazy things, like...
"Teacher it's not his fault!"
What. The. Fuck. Ed did you just cover for ROY MUSTANG?!
Well, Roy was definitely hallucinating, because he just heard Edward squeak in his defense. Any second now, he'd wake up in his large, empty bed, in his large, empty house, sweating and swearing never to let Hughes wheedle him into that fourteenth beer ever again.
Izumi slowly turned her Freezing Glare of Doom on her student. "Are you saying that YOU moved on MUSTANG?" she asked in a glacially calm voice. "Not only are you suggesting that you expect me to believe this, but you're saying that YOU were encouraging HIM?"
She tightened her hold on both men, heroically resisting the urge to mash their heads together and be done with it.
Ed? You're a fucking idiot.
Swallowing hard, Ed could just manage a pitiful squeak. He nodded quickly, while something back in his head was yelling at him to deny deny deny DEFUCKINGNY!
The freakish woman was talking, but Roy's mind was occupied with replaying the past few minutes' events. With color commentary, and then some.
He resisted the urge to ask her why she was in his office. Obviously, Scary Woman had come Because She Wanted To, and she wasn't going to leave until She Wanted To.
A very small voice suggested that perhaps that idea wasn't quite manly. He stomped on the voice until it whined, pleaded for mercy, screamed bloody blue murder, then finally fell silent.
Izumi's hands tightened even further on Ed's jacket, choking him, and tightening her grip on Roy's shaggy hair, probably ripping quite a few out in the process. "Will someone explain this to me BEFORE I make you beg for mercy?"
A tiny crack in the calm voice.
Begging for mercy was becoming more and more attractive by the second. Roy cleared his throat, licked his lips. "Perhaps if you released me... ma'am?"
"Give me one good reason, pedophile. I didn't exactly see you trying to dissuade my student."
Ed choked out the first thing that came to his mind, which, surprisingly, wasn't anything to do with the situation at all, wasn't a plea for his life, and wasn't something about his height.
"I'm...sorry...Colonel..." Golden eyes brimmed with unshed tears, looking straight at Roy, painful, pleading, and something else, though Ed would deny ever having looked so pitiful later.
The older man closed his eyes to Edward's expression.
"Ma'am. Major Elric... fell. You arrived at an inconvenient juncture in time and jumped to conclusions. I am certainly not a pedophile. Please release me."
Thankfully, Roy's ability to bullshit wasn't affected by the useless state of his brain--must be all that military experience...
Izumi smelled a rat. A big, fat, ugly, stinking one. And she was good at noticing bullshit, especially from small, spiky alchemists and army brass. "Uh-huh. You just made all my garbage alarms ring, boyo. If you're going to screw him into another plane of existence, at least ask first, h'm?" She wiggled his head a bit for good measure. "You're as hard as a rock, boy."
Cue incredibly stark plain shock face here.
Edward Elric probably could not turn a brighter shade of red as he was just then, his entire body going limp like a wet noodle, and by the amazing laws of something, seeming to take on the same consistency, as he slipped like an oily shrimp out of Izumi's grasp and to the floor in a pile of thoroughly embarrassed Ed goo.
For a minute, all Roy could do was sputter. Which was, actually, quite comical, seeing as he was sputtering upside-down.
"Ma'am--that--you--no--I--you've got it all wrong," he wailed uncharacteristically.
Ignoring Ed (seeing as he wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon – he was still in a moist, mumbling heap) Izumi gave Mustang the full benefit of her Look Forecasting Hell and Damnation. "What, pray tell, do I have wrong? You're obviously... ahem... and in my considerable experience, that means one thing. And you're not the pure-and-squeaky-clean-innocent type, either."
"My physical state is none of your business," Roy managed, with as much dignity as he could muster. Not that it matters--now that the humiliation is taking effect, you've taken care of that little problem for me... "You have trespassed in my office for no apparent reason and physically and verbally assaulted me and my subordinate."
Izumi snorted. "Are you trying to intimidate me? It's not working very well. And I haven't assaulted you yet, not by a long chalk. This is merely... enforcing a lesson."
Ed sat up, staring at Roy in disbelief.
Think about it, Edward. You were WRIGGLING.
Things like that HAPPEN because of WRIGGLING.
That does NOT mean a DAMN thing about Mustang's feelings.
Ed felt the sudden urge to scream bloody murder and get as far away from Roy as possible. FAST.
"And that lesson would be...?" The effect of Roy's coolly arched eyebrow was somewhat lessoned by... you guessed it, the fact that he was still upside-down. Damn freak-woman.
Izumi sighed. "Oh, for crying out loud. We've freaked out my student. Ed, go get some ice, while I talk to your... commanding officer."
She smiled at him. "It's perfectly normal, kiddo." She released Mustang. "We'll talk about that as soon as Ed leaves."
Ed nodded dumbly and got shakily to his feet, wandering to the small icebox at the other end of the room and getting some ice, why, he didn't know, what for, he didn't know. But he did know that his brain had kicked into 'dowhatIzumisaysandnothingbadwillhappen' mode.
Roy twitched. "We"? All I did was act as a landing pad for that insubordinate Edwa--Elric. For that Elric boy.
And then, a touch petulantly, he thought: It wasn't my fault he was wriggling...
Izumi spoke gently, realizing the fragile nature of her spooked student's feelings. "Now, Ed. Listen to me. Go down to the mess hall and get a jar of pickle juice. Drink it slowly. In small sips. Got that?"
Once again, Ed nodded dumbly, still with ice in hand, melting sort of, as he turned and walked in a rather zombie-esque state out of the room.
Dark brows knit together. "Pickle... juice?" Roy said, mystified.
"Yes, pickle juice. Cures everything from tummy aches, sore throats, and the sniffles to broken hearts. I learned that from my husband."
"...I see."
Obviously, the woman was insane. Escape would have to be attained even earlier than previously estimated.
"Don't even think about running, Mustang. I can keep you in one place by force, but you won't like it. And, quite frankly, neither will I."
"Why would I ever think of leaving the company of a lady so gracious and lovely?" Roy rolled his eyes in what he hoped was a charming way. The blood was starting to build up in his head--he hoped she'd lessen her grip soon...
She snorted. "Very slick. If I let you go, will you sit down in a chair and listen to me?"
"Yes. And I will also not pass out from uneven blood flow." He attempted a smile.
Izumi lifted her eyebrows. "Save it for the women, Slick. I'm married." She let him go. "Sit."
Roy sat. Ours is not to question why...
He looked at Izumi expectantly, eyebrows raised. "Well?"
It was just then that Edward walked back into the room, as though nothing had happened, and flopped down on one of the plush leather couches. "Oi, stupid Colonel...what's my next assignment so I can leave this place and not deal with you anymore?"
Izumi perched on Roy's desk, playing with a paperweight. "To tell you the honest truth, I couldn't care less what Ed did in his spare time. Or who, but I see that comments like that make you uncomfortable."
She transmuted the paperweight into a model of a squid.
"On second thought I'll take that to go." With a raised finger and a pointedly averted gaze, Ed promptly got to his feet, spun around, and walked right back out the door.
"You both need psychiatric help," Roy muttered, sinking lower in the chair. This was shaping up to be the most bizarre day of his life...
"Let him go. He just got a little mixed up. He likes you, he thought you liked him, now he's of the opinion that you had a purely physical reaction to him. And, understandably, he's bummed." Izumi shrugged. "I don't really expect you to care. After all, it's not your problem, is it." She transmuted the squid into a small Ed.
"...Um." Roy gazed up at her, face twisted into an expression of utter confusion.
The self-proclaimed housewife considered bouncing the paperweight off of Mustang's forehead, but decided not to. "You're very dense, you know that?"
"...No?" Roy could feel the blood rising to his face. Ugh, Mustang, blushing. You've sunk so low in the world.
Izumi's mouth quirked in amusement at the blush rising in his face. "Fine. I'll spell it out. He likes you. He thought you liked him. Now he thinks that you had a... reaction to his movement against you. Now he's embarrassed for saving your ass from a (in my opinion) well-deserved beating."
Roy licked his lips. "He... shouldn't be. I didn't... It wasn't my intention to embarrass him. And it really was an accident."
"I don't doubt that. The scrapes he gets into are appalling in their size and scope. This probably stemmed from some juvenile trick. But what I want to know is your feelings for him."
Dark eyes cut to the left. "Immaterial," Roy muttered, "As even if attraction theoretically exists, it will never be acted upon."
Izumi poked Mustang in the chest with a finger. "Cut the crap, kiddo. Do you like him or not."
Roy sighed and resigned himself to the fact that he would never again have dignity, ever. "Yes. I do. But he's very young, and very not right for me, and very my subordinate."
The female alchemist settled back, regarding the Colonel thoughtfully. "Well, I can understand the too young. Subordinate can pose a problem, but you can be discreet. Why is he 'very not right'?"
"He needs... someone... understanding." Roy shifted under Izumi's gaze. To have something other than a glare directed at him by that woman was unnerving. "Someone who can take time out for him. Someone less... busy, ambitious."
Izumi's eyebrows twitched up. "What makes you think he's any less driven than you are? He hasn't given himself a break since his mother died. He's been running full tilt since the failed human transmutation. He's been through hell and back." She deposited the small Ed paperweight into his lap.
"Which is precisely why he needs someone to care for him," Roy answered. He ran a finger along one of the paperweight's smooth ridges absently, tracing the tiny face.
"He has Al. He has us. He has Pinako and Winry." The alchemy teacher ran a hand through her dreadlocks. "Any more 'care', and he'd go nuts."
Roy half-smiled. "You remain unconvincing. I mean--just because you can doesn't mean you should."
"Oh, get off your high horse," Izumi said irritably. "You care for him, right?"
"Right," he said, smiling oddly into the middle distance.
Izumi rubbed her forehead. "Now I know why he was always venting about you. It's like talking to a brick wall." She hopped down from the desk.
"A brick wall usually doesn't whine," Roy pointed out, watching her warily.
The woman smiled wryly. "True. But think from Edward's view for a second. Selfishly, if you will."
Roy made no reply, just looked down at the small figurine that he was still absently holding. He set it carefully down on his desk.
What an unfamiliar position. For once, he was the one on the chair being interrogated.
"Well? In instances like this, holding out is the worst possible thing. Either tell him and tell him to forget, or tell him and teach him."
"Thanks for the advice," Roy said, gazing up at this vessel of entirely-too-sudden mood swings. "I'll keep it in mind. Weren't you here for something originally...?"
"M'hm. I came here to request a leave for Edward. He's under a great deal of stress. I'd like him to come back to Dublith so we can go over some bits of alchemy that I've dug up.
"It would be a nice change for the boy."
One Izumi Curtis watched Mustang carefully, wary for any hints of antagonism.
"Fine," Roy acquiesced, waving a hand. "Consider it done. Take him and go. You can have your alchemy, bonding, whichever time; I can mull over what you said. Everyone is happy. Now, please, get him out of Central before I kill either him, you, or myself."
Izumi grinned. "Oho. Losing your composure so soon? I'm disappointed.
"Anyway, thank you. I would bow, but I usually start coughing up blood, and I don't want to do that on your upholstery." She bobbed her head politely. Turning for the door, she paused briefly. "We're having a potluck dinner on Wednesday, if you'd like to drop by for a night."
She was gone.
Roy pinched the bridge of his nose. He had a massive headache.
After a while, he rose as well, and, leaving the massive piles of unsigned papers untouched on his desk, quietly left the room.
He was going home, to think, and sleep, and plan.
Please review, constructive criticism and questions appreciated, flames will be deflected back at you by Roy. n.n;
