Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.
CHAPTER TWO
REGAINING YESTERDAY
Part Two
The senior staff laughed and talked as they piled into the briefing room for what they thought was a routine meeting. Kathryn stood between the window and the table and watched as they all entered and took their seats. Chakotay, who was already seated, could tell she was more worried about what their reaction would be than she was letting on. She was pale, and her fingers kept fidgeting with her commbadge.
Harry approached Kathryn. "Seven and the Doctor can't make it, Captain. Something's come up in sickbay. Something with Icheb, I think."
Kathryn gave a nod. "Thank you for telling me."
At last, everyone was seated and all eyes lay on the captain. Kathryn nervously cleared her throat, and then began to speak.
"Commander Chakotay and I have summoned you here this morning because we would like to discuss something with you." She paused. "As you know, because of our situation, I have lifted the protocol issue regarding personal relationships. Relationships are permitted so long as they are conducted maturely and providing that the Commander and I are informed of any attachments. This is absolutely vital to maintaining professionalism, and so far many crew members have been able to successfully combine both a professional and a personal relationship." She paused uncomfortably. "Commander Chakotay and I ... we ... we have come to realize that we care for each other very much and we would like to pursue a personal relationship."
At this, the senior staff turned to look at each other, but said nothing.
"But before we even consider a relationship, we would like to discuss the matter with you all. We would like to discuss any concerns you may have, answer any questions. We will not enter into a relationship without the consent of this crew."
She waited for at least one question, perhaps even a concern.
But there were none.
The only sound that greeted her ears was amused laughter.
Kathryn stared at her officers in confusion. Her eyes met Harry's and he smiled warmly. "Forgive us, Captain, but we've all long guessed how you and the Commander feel about each other. We've just wondered how long it would take you both to realize it."
Kathryn felt her cheeks blaze from a feeling of foolishness, but she also felt a sense of relief.
Tom got up from his chair and went over to her. "You'll find no opposition from anyone on this ship, Captain. Everyone thinks highly of you and the Commander and would like you to be happy." He glanced at Harry. "You said six months, I said three. That's a months holodeck time you owe me."
The senior officers laughed and Kathryn looked at each and everyone of them. They all smiled warmly at her and she could see that their happiness was genuine. Then her eyes met Tuvok's. Of all her crew members, it was his approval she sought more than any other. Tuvok saw the painful longing in her eyes and stood up. He glanced at Tom. "Be not so precipitous in claiming your prize, Mr Paris. I believe I am the victor."
Tom laughed. "And so you are, Tuvok. I said three months, you said one. How can a man compete with Vulcan logic?"
Kathryn laughed freely now and then gazed at Tuvok. She saw his eyes smile even if his lips did not.
Neelix stood up. "I think we should have a party to celebrate this good news."
Kathryn turned to him... "No, I..."
"No buts, Captain. 19:00 hours in the Mess Hall."
Kathryn was about to protest but the look on Neelix's face told her she was defeated. "Alright," she smiled.
Neelix wandered over to the door. "Now, ladies and gentlemen, I think we should give our Captain and Commander time alone."
Smiling, the officers left one by one. As they did so, Chakotay got to his feet. When the last officer disappeared through the door, Kathryn happily drew Chakotay close.
"They accept us," she said joyfully. "No more barriers, Chakotay. No more parameters..."
Chakotay held her in return and was about to speak when the Doctor's voice sounded over the comm.
"Doctor to Captain Janeway."
At the sound of his voice, Kathryn drew away from Chakotay. "Janeway here."
"You are needed in sickbay immediately."
"I'll be right there," she said, not letting her regret at the interuption show in her voice. "Janeway out." She then smiled warmly at Chakotay. "Meet me for lunch in my quarters, 12.00 hours?"
He nodded with a smile. "I'll be there."
For the third time, Chakotay asked the computer the minute. It was 12.24 hours. Only ten minutes had passed since his last enquiry, but it seemed an eternity. He got up, took the liberty of replicating a drink, and sat again. At last, Kathryn's voice sounded over the comm.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
He hit his commbadge. "Chakotay here."
"I'm going to have to miss lunch. Seven's cortical node is failing and without a new one she won't survive. The Doctor has determined that Icheb will be able to survive without a node, so he's going to use his. The Doctor's preparing them both for the operation now and will need my assistance."
"Anything I can do?"
"No. Just take the bridge when you've finished lunch. Help yourself to whatever my replicator is in the mood to give you."
Chakotay smiled. "Well, I have to say she's behaving so far."
"Maybe, but she gets you when you least expect it. Be warned. Talk to you later. Janeway out."
Chakotay felt a loneliness consume him as the connection terminated. He missed her already. He got up and went over to the replicator to replicate himself some healthy salad sandwiches. He was pleased to find that his demand was met. He picked up the plate and immediately began to eat. As he did so, he looked around the room. His mind was idle and needed something to occupy it.
He walked over to a painting on the wall and studied it for a few minutes. He then looked around the rest of the room. He looked at it now in a way he had never felt at liberty to do so before and felt himself drawn towards a shelf full of photographs. They were all lined up neatly and encased in a clear frame. Some photographs he had seen before but others were new to him. There were about eight pictures altogether, all seeming to be of Kathryn's family, and there were two pictures of her father, one of him in his uniform, and another of him relaxing in the garden with a black dog at his feet. Chakotay picked up the picture of Admiral Janeway in his uniform and studied him carefully. Kathryn didn't look much like him. His face was broader and his features more pronounced. She looked more like her mother and had the same coloring too.
Chakotay put down his plate on a coffee table behind him and then continued to look through the pictures. There was another of her father and he was standing on a cliff with his arm around a sturdy looking young man with raven black hair. The man was unfamiliar to Chakotay and he passed the picture and went on to the next. It was of the same young man, only this time Kathryn was in the picture with him. They were standing on a white sandy beach and Kathryn had her arm firmly linked with his. He looked a little older than her, perhaps in his late twenties or early thirties, while she looked only about twenty two or twenty three. She was wearing a low cut green sun dress and it was evidently quite windy as she was holding a pretty straw hat on her head. Her long copper hair blew in the wind and soft freckles dusted her cheeks. He noticed there was a large diamond ring on her wedding finger and it suddenly dawned on him that this young man must have been Justin Tighe, her fiancé who was so tragically killed in the accident that also claimed the life of her father.
Kathryn had never mentioned Justin to him or talked much about the accident. The only time she had really mentioned it was following all that had happened with the alien who was impersonating her father. During their moonlight sail, she had told him how devastated she was when he was killed and how she had fallen into a deep depression. For the only time in her life, she had felt there was nothing to live for. She had told him that she didn't know what would have happened to her if she hadn't found a sick puppy abandoned in the snow one evening while taking a walk. Perhaps she would have curled up in the snow to die herself. But nursing the animal had given her a reason to live again.
Chakotay knew from experience the agony of grief, but at the time he had felt there was something Kathryn wasn't telling him. It was almost as though she felt guilty about something, as though there was something more than just grief involved. He had tried to question her, but she had brought up her shields then and changed the subject. As she had already been through enough trauma with the alien, he had not pursued the subject with her. Instead, he resorted to research. He digged deep in Starfleet's database and there he found the terrible truth. Not only was Kathryn's father killed in the accident, but her fiancé, Justin Tighe, aswell. He also learned that Kathryn herself had been in the accident.
The three of them had been test piloting a new shuttle Kathryn's father had helped design when they lost control of it. They crashed into a planet of ice and the only reason Kathryn survived was because she was thrown free of the shuttle on impact. Her father and fiancé were trapped inside and drowned as the shuttle sank beneath sheets of ice. For a long time, Chakotay had struggled with what to do with this knowledge. Should he speak to Kathryn about what had happened? Should he stay silent? In the end he had decided on silence, thinking she would tell him about it if, and when, she was ready.
Chakotay put the picture down, but still gazed at it. Kathryn looked so incredibly happy in it. He wanted her to be that happy again. He wanted so much to take away all the pain he knew she carried inside her. But he didn't know how. She kept so much bottled up, hardly ever told him how she was really feeling. Never had she mentioned being in the accident, never had she mentioned her fiancé, and, until now, had never mentioned what she had suffered at the hands of the Cardassians. He wondered if there was anything else she was keeping from him. If only she would talk to him ... open up to him. But he knew it was going to take time for her to open up completely. She had kept too many feelings to herself for too long.
The operation on Seven and Icheb was a success and within hours they were both back to their former selves. Neelix's party was still on and Kathryn was getting herself ready in her quarters. Chakotay was picking her up so they could arrive at the party together. She took a long soak in the bath to unwind and then put on an elegant black strapless velvet gown and a little make-up. She wanted to look as beautiful as she could for Chakotay. For so long she had dreamt of being kissed by him and hoped that tonight that dream would come true.
At last the door chime sounded and Kathryn wandered from her bedroom into her living room.
"Come in."
The doors opened and Chakotay came in. She caught her breath at the sight of him. He was dressed in black trousers, a white shirt, and a beautiful fawn waistcoat embroidered with gold and black thread. He walked over to her and smiled, his dimples showing.
"You look beautiful, Kathryn."
She smiled in return. "You too."
He reached inside his waistcoat and pulled out a long black box. He handed it to her. "This is for you."
Kathryn took it with a smile and opened it. Nestled amongst white velvet was a beautiful gold necklace with a heart shaped diamond hanging from it. It sparkled the colors of the rainbow. "It's beautiful, Chakotay," she said, touching it with her fingers, "really beautiful."
"Let me put it on you."
Kathryn turned around and Chakotay put the necklace on her. When it was in place, Kathryn turned back to him and gazed up at him.
"Thank you."
He smiled and kissed her hand. "Shall we go?"
She nodded happily and accepted Chakotay's offered arm.
The mess hall was crowded when they arrived and as soon as they entered the room, the crew burst into rapturous applause. Kathryn laughed and teasingly raised her hands to her ears. When the applause died down, Tom Paris stepped forward. He was smartly dressed in black trousers and a short sleeved blue shirt and in his hand he held a glass of champagne. Kathryn noticed that everyone else did too.
"On behalf of the crew, Captain, I would like to wish you and the Commander every happiness."
He raised his glass. "Let's all make a toast...To the Captain and Commander. May they live long and prosper!"
The crew raised their glasses. "To the Captain and Commander."
"Thank you," she smiled, deeply touched. It was moments like this that reminded her they truly had become less like a crew and more like a family. "Thank you all."
Chakotay slipped his arm around her waist and it felt so good to finally not have to hide what he felt for this woman. "Of course," he smiled. "I know you all well enough to know that some of you will use any old excuse for a party."
The crowd laughed softly.
"But remember we have a ship to run, so go easy on the champagne. This isn't a wedding...yet."
Again the crowd laughed.
B'Elanna turned to Harry who was fronting a little band of musicians. "Alright, Harry, hit the music!"
He and the band began to play and chatter filled the room as the crew talked amongst themselves. Tom and B'Elanna approached Kathryn and Chakotay.
"We have a little surprise for you both," B'Elanna smiled. "Tom and I have arranged everything so that you can both take the weekend off and have Holodeck Two all to yourselves."
Kathryn's immediate response was to protest. A whole weekend off? She couldn't possibly leave the crew fend for themselves for a whole weekend! But B'Elanna's face was shining with pride and happiness and Kathryn couldn't bring herself to disappoint her. She always told her crew that her faith in them was absolute, now it was time to show them. She smiled. "That's a wonderful surprise, thank you."
At just after eleven, the party drew to a close. Kathryn and Chakotay retired to her quarters, and as soon as the doors shut behind them, Kathryn scooped Chakotay in her arms. "I had a wonderful time, tonight, wonderful."
Chakotay smiled. "So did I."
He held her close a moment but then drew her slightly away from him.
"This weekend, Kathryn. How do you really feel about it?"
Kathryn slipped her arms around his neck. "I think it's a wonderful idea, just what we need."
"Really?"
She smiled. "Really. I'm always telling the crew I trust them. Now is the time to show them that I do."
Chakotay smiled. "What would you like to do? We only have tomorrow to plan everything."
"I would like to take a trip to the mountains...to a log cabin in snowy Switzerland."
Chakotay bit his lip, concern welling inside. Snow, ice, it could only bring back bad memories. Knowing Kathryn as well as he did, he suspected this was her intention. She wanted to make a final peace with the past so she could completely embrace the future.
"Is that such a good idea, Kathryn?"
Kathryn flinched. There was something in the way he said that, something in the way he looked at her, that made her suspect he knew all about the accident that had claimed the life of her father and fiancé. But he couldn't know. It was impossible.
"Yes, Chakotay," she smiled. "It will be so romantic. A log cabin, a great big fire in the hearth...just the two of us..."
Her eyes were sparkling and the joy in them allayed Chakotay's fears. Perhaps he was wrong. She was found unconscious after the accident and would have no recollection of the ice. And a log cabin the mountains did sound idyllic. "Very romantic," he smiled.
He gazed into her eyes and for a moment lost himself in them. He wanted to bridge the gap between them and kiss her, but he held back. He wasn't sure if she was ready for that.
Kathryn read his thoughts and secured her arms tighter around his neck.
"You can kiss me," she whispered. "I would like you to kiss me."
Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I just want you to be completely comfortable, Kathryn. What you went through it was...words can't describe it. I want us to take things at your pace. I'm happy just to be with you."
"The Cardassians have taken too much from us already, Chakotay. They won't take this too." She paused. "And the hardest part to come to terms with wasn't so much what they had done to me but what I saw them do to others. I saw them rape and murder before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them. When it was my turn I was glad because it meant someone else didn't have to suffer." She paused. "I needed time to come to terms with what had happened and I did eventually, in my own time and my own way. I know what a beautiful thing it is to make love with someone you love and who loves you. I know the difference between that and what the Cardassians did to me. There's no comparison." She smiled softly. "I want this for us, Chakotay. I want it so much."
Chakotay took her hand in his and kissed it softly. He couldn't believe all the suffering there had been in her life. There had been too much pain and not enough joy. But he was determined to change that.
"So do I," he whispered.
Kathryn fixed her arms around his neck again. "And this weekend will be the perfect time." She paused. "But right now I would like you to kiss me."
They gazed deep into each others eyes and then Chakotay gently tilted her face towards his. Then slowly, gently, he brought his lips down to hers and kissed her with infinite tenderness. A tear trickled down her cheek and met with the diamond heart around her neck.
The luxury log cabin was beautifully situated high upon a mountain and views of the snowy surroundings were panoramic. Inside there was a roaring fire burning in the hearth, a large fur rug before it, and comfortable looking chairs scattered all around. Chakotay had designed everything himself and Kathryn laughed to see a replicator in a dark corner of the room. It looked so out of place in this quaint setting.
"A necessary convenience," Chakotay smiled.
Kathryn was ready to explore the rest of this little paradise. "So, where are we to sleep?"
Chakotay went over to one of the doors and opened it. "This is our bedroom, luxury ensuite."
Kathryn stepped through the doorway and looked around the room in complete delight. It was everything she could have imagined and more. There was a large pine double bed opposite the window and it was covered in the most beautiful burgundy and cream patchwork quilt. Matching curtains hung at the window and were tied back neatly allowing the sunlight to flood in. There was a pine table beneath the window and in the far corner of the room there was a comfortable looking chair with burgundy cushions. There were two bedside tables, one at each side of the bed, and upon them, matching gold lamps. Above the bed was a dreamcatcher and at the foot of it was an exquisite cream faux fur rug.
"It's beautiful," Kathryn smiled. "Beautiful."
Chakotay smiled and opened a little door that led from the bedroom to the bathroom.
"And this is the bathroom."
Kathryn stepped inside and gasped when she saw the bathtub. It was made of crystal and shaped like a heart.
Chakotay lay his hand on her shoulder. "Like it?"
Kathryn turned to face him and slipped her arms around his neck.
"Like it?" She exclaimed. "I love it. I love all of it." She gazed deep into his eyes. "But no bathtub could ever compare to the one you made me with love."
Chakotay smiled and Kathryn raised her lips to his in a tender kiss.
Kathryn and Chakotay spent the afternoon walking in the mountains and enjoying the beautiful scenery. There was a lake close to their cabin that had water as clear as crystal and fast flowing river that made a waterfall as it gushed down the rocky mountainside. One of the benefits of the holodeck was that they could have the beauty of winter without the overbearing chill. Chakotay knew that Kathryn wanted snow, but for some reason he still felt uneasy about that. To be on the safe side, he had programmed it for the evening when they would be inside the log cabin. Until then, they could enjoy the ever green scenery of the Swiss mountains.
It was late afternoon when they returned to the cabin. Chakotay replicated a pint of beer for himself and Kathryn ... synthesol, just incase there should be an emergency...and they sat on the couch to drink it. Kathryn cuddled up to him.
"What are we going to have for dinner?"
"I thought we could have a traditional Swiss meal."
Kathryn smiled. "Traditional Swiss meal...what is that exactly?"
"Cheese fondue served with vegetables, meat, or bread. As a vegetarian I thought we'd go for the vegetables."
"Naturally."
"Various Swiss cheeses are blended to make the fondue and white wine, brandy, and spices are added."
"Sounds delicious. What's a traditional Swiss dessert?"
"Coupe Nesselrode. It's made from chestnut puree and served with meringue, fresh cream, and vanilla ice cream." He smiled. "Of course, we can always cheat and have coffee ice cream instead."
Kathryn laughed softly. "Sounds good to me." She gazed deep into his eyes and then kissed his lips tenderly.
At last, Chakotay broke away. He put his hand on her arm and caressed her gently.
"Finish your drink and then go and take a soak in the bath while I prepare dinner."
Kathryn took his hand in hers and her eyes protested. "You're spoiling me, Chakotay."
He brushed his fingers against her cheek and then kissed her forehead.
"Then get used to it," he smiled, "because I intend to spoil you a great deal more."
It was dark by the time the meal was over, and Kathryn and Chakotay lay in each others arms on cushions before the fire, the soft rug beneath them. The bronze flames were the only source of light and gave the room a cozy glow.
"I could stay here like this forever," Kathryn said with a contented smile.
"So could I."
"I'm so happy, Chakotay. I can't remember the last time I was this happy."
"I never thought I could be this happy," he said honestly.
Kathryn raised herself to look at him. "Has the angry warrior finally found true peace?"
He nodded and touched her face. "And a love he never thought could exist."
Kathryn traced the course of his tattoo with her finger and then lowered her lips to his.
They kissed tenderly, kissed long.
When at last they drew away, Kathryn noticed it was snowing outside.
"It's snowing," she smiled.
She got up and went over to the large window. Chakotay followed her and slipped his arms around her from behind. She leant back against him and they watched the snow fall together. The white flakes danced in the soft wind and fell silently to the ground, covering it in a white winter blanket.
"When I was a little girl," Kathryn said, "I would sit on the window ledge in my bedroom and watch the snow fall until the early hours of the morning. My little spaniel, Venus, would sit with me. At first light I would grab my coat, scarf and gloves, put Venus in her doggie coat, and venture into the winter wonderland."
"Would you build a snowman?"
"Oh yes, and a snowlady to keep him company. Mr Snow would have a blue hat and scarf, and Mrs Snow would have a pink one. I'd build them a snowdog too, a Scottish Terrier called Snowy." She paused, remembering. "What about you?"
"Oh," Chakotay smiled, "I'd be too busy having snow fights."
Kathryn laughed softly.
Chakotay entwined his hands with hers. "What would you like to do tomorrow? Go ice skating, or skiing, or take a cable car ride?"
He felt Kathryn stiffen in his arms and her reply was a moment in coming. "Skiing," she said quietly. "Yes, skiing."
Chakotay broke away from Kathryn and gently turned her towards him. "I may have found my inner peace, but your soul is still searching, isn't it?"
Kathryn flinched. "What do you mean?"
"The snow ... the ice ... You want to lay old ghosts to rest. Ghosts that have haunted you for years. You think that here, with me, you can face that battle and finally let the past rest in peace."
Kathryn lowered her eyes. "You know, don't you?"
He nodded.
"How long?"
"Over three years. I wanted to know more about how your father died after everything that had happened with that alien who was impersonating him. I did some research and found out everything I needed to know." He paused. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn."
Kathryn wandered back over to the gray stone fireplace and stood before the roaring fire. Her copper hair shone bronze in the firelight.
"You're right," she said quietly. "I was hoping to make peace with the past this weekend."
There was a long silence. Chakotay wanted to go over to her, comfort her, but if he pushed too hard, she would bring up her shields and it would be impossible to reach her. He knew that keeping a distance, keeping a silence, was the best way of getting her to open up to him.
"I don't really like to ski. I don't know why I told you that I did. Because I thought it was easiest, I suppose. No questions then, just that I didn't want to." She paused. "Ever since the accident I've hated snow ... hated the ice ... the whiteness ... It would just remind me of what happened. And yet ... and yet I was drawn to it too ... It would make me feel closer to them ... the coldness ... the feeling of death ... it gave me a sense of suffering the way they had. That night I once told you about, the night I walked into a blizzard and thought of curling up in the snow to die, it was because of this. I wanted to die like them. I wanted to lie down and freeze like they had frozen, wanted to share in their fate..." She paused again. "I haven't been out in the snow since ... at least not if I didn't have too. I feel as though I will suffocate ... that my soul will scream and never stop. I thought that here, with you, I could let go ... not be afraid anymore." She turned to Chakotay, infinite pain in her eyes. "It's my fault my father and fiancé died, Chakotay."
Chakotay slowly bridged the gap between them.
"How can it be your fault, Kathryn? It was an accident."
"Because they weren't killed on impact as everyone thinks. They died because I couldn't save them."
Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Come and sit down. Tell me what happened."
He led her over to the couch and they sat close together.
"It was the week before our wedding," Kathryn began. "We, Justin and I, were accompanying my father on the first long range flight of a shuttle he had helped design. It was a fine ship, designed to withstand a whole variety of battle conditions and even had warp thrusters. I didn't want to go that afternoon. Justin and I were getting married in a month's time and there was so much to organize. But Justin was so excited about the shuttle and wanted us to go so badly that I gave into him." She paused, struggling with the memory. "Everything was going as it should have and we were about to go home when solar winds came out of no where..." She closed her eyes, desperately trying to shut out the horror of the moment. "There was so much noise, so much turbulence. Father was shouting, Justin too. And then ... And then nothing. The next thing I remember is waking up on a bed of snow ... so cold, the ice choking me ... I didn't know what had happened ... couldn't remember ... not even who I was ...There were mountains of ice all around ... an ocean glazed over ... and pieces of ship everywhere. I tried hard to remember, tried to make sense of it ... but I couldn't...And then I saw the ship's cabin jutting out of the iced ocean. There were two people trapped inside and suddenly everything came back to me. I realized that I had been thrown free of the shuttle somehow and that those two people inside were Father and Justin." She paused. "I knew I had to help them, do something, but I couldn't get to the cabin. I could hardly move. I saw a console nearby, saw that it was still alight, and dragged my body over to it." She looked away, the memory hurting. "But there was only enough power to transport one of them, Chakotay, just one. How could I chose? I couldn't choose. So I tried to save both of them ... I did everything ... everything that I could think of, but nothing worked ... Then the console failed and the shuttle it... it sank."
A tear ran down her cheek and Chakotay took her hand in his.
"There would have been no power, Kathryn," he said kindly. "The ship was in pieces, all parts severed from the other. What you saw, the console lights, it was the flicker before extinction. There would have been enough energy within it to keep it illuminated, but there would have been no power, no power."
Kathryn looked up at him at those words and tears flooded her eyes as she realised he was right.
"There's nothing you could have done, Kathryn. Nothing."
He gently gathered her close and they nestled together in the firelight.
"I should have realized there was no power," Kathryn said agyer a while. "Why didn't I realize that?"
"All kinds of reasons. You were badly injured, in shock, and you wanted to save your father and fiancé so much that you convinced yourself the console was working."
"I blanked it all out," she continued. "For years I couldn't remember. All I remembered was waking up, choking on snow, seeing the shuttle lost beneath a bed of ice. The next thing I remembered was being in hospital ... bright lights ... so much white. Everything was hazy for a while, but then I saw my sister sitting beside me. She was holding my hand, crying. I asked about Justin, about Daddy, but she said nothing at first. Then she told me they were dead. I screamed, Chakotay ... I just screamed."
"I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm so sorry."
"It was years before I remembered ... not until Tuvok and his away team were stranded on a planet five years ago. I don't know why I remembered then, but I did. I remembered in my dreams. It all made sense then ... my fear of the snow ... the whiteness. And the guilt, the overwhelming guilt that had weighed on me since it happened." She drew away from Chakotay. "Since then I've tried to cope with it all, how I failed my father and Justin and how I failed the crew by stranding Voyager in the Delta Quadrant. It's been so hard, Chakotay. Sometimes I wished I was dead."
Chakotay had often wondered that. She was always too ready to sacrifice herself for the crew, always too eager to go on suicide missions...
"Did you talk to the Doctor? Tell him what happened?"
"No. I wanted to. But I couldn't. Not even when Ensign Jetrel died because he chose to save Harry. "
"Instead you chose to erase his memory of events so that he would be spared your torment."
She nodded. "But it wasn't the answer. It only made things worse."
Chakotay looked at her sadly. "I wish you had come to me, talked to me."
"We weren't so close then, and I didn't want to think about it. I just got on with captaining the ship and trying to get the crew home."
Chakotay took her hand in his. "Destroying the array to save the Ocampa was the only thing we could have done. You shouldn't feel guilty. You did what was right."
"I know," she answered. "I just can't help thinking there were other ways of destroying it, ways that would have allowed us to still go home. But there was so little time, so much at stake. Destroying the array was the only way to make sure the Kazon didn't get their hands on it." She paused. "And while it sounds crazy, I can't deny that despite all the responsibility, the risks and the overwheming burder, a part of me is glad we got stranded. We've touched so many lives, see so many things..." She looked up at him. "And brought special people into our lives."
"It doesn't sound crazy at all," Chakotay said kindly. "I'm glad we got stranded, so glad you came into my life..."
Kathryn smiled warmly as she looked into his eyes. Then she spoke. "A picnic..."
Chakotay frowned, not understanding.
"Tomorrow. You asked what I would like to do tomorrow."
"Ah," he smiled.
"I'd like to take a picnic by the lake... the sun shining, blue skies, a perfect summer's day."
Chakotay understood her meaning. Finally she was letting the past the go. "Then we'll we do that," he said kindly.
Kathryn let go of his hand and got to her feet. "But first there's something I'd like to do."
Chakotay waited in the snowfall as Kathryn stood in the narrow doorway and gazed up at the black sky. Flakes of ice fell on her face, tangled in her eyelashes. She looked around her and then her eyes met Chakotay's. He smiled reassuringly and offered her his arm. She took it and stepped into the white wilderness.
They slowly made their way through the snow to the lake. Kathryn clutched Chakotay's arm tighter the further they wandered from the cabin but it was the only sign of the battle taking place within. Chakotay talked to her, tried to make the walk as natural as possible, and Kathryn used his voice as anchor to keep her in the present.
At last they reached the lake. They stopped a little before it and Kathryn gazed at the frozen water before her. Memories of the frozen ocean that had claimed the lives of her father and fiancé flashed before her and for a moment she thought she heard them calling. Chakotay watched her walk towards the edge of the lake and knew the ghosts were near. He bridged the gap between them and stood at her side. He put his arm around her and took her hand in his and held it tight.
"No one we love ever really leaves us, Kathryn. They're always with us, watching over us."
Kathryn turned to him, and looked up at him. There was a longing in her eyes, the desire to believe. "Do you really believe that, Chakotay?"
"Yes I do," he said gently. "I believe we all have a soul, a spirit that makes us individuals. I believe our spirit lives on after death...invisible...like the wind."
He took her hands in his. "Close your eyes, Kathryn."
She closed her eyes.
"Feel the wind against your face ... feel its power. "
She turned into the wind, let it flow through her.
"We can't see it, but it's there, Kathryn ... all around us..."
"Yes," she smiled, "I feel it."
"Our spirit lives on in a world that is invisible and it lives on in the hearts of those who loved us. As long as you remember your father and Justin, and the love you shared with them, that love will always be with you ... locked safe within your heart."
Kathryn's lips broke into a smile and her face glowed serenely.
"I remember," she whispered, "I remember."
She opened her eyes and the happiness in them was dazzling. Chakotay gathered her close and she eagerly returned his embrace. At last, at long, long, last, she was at peace.
A full moon shone brightly against a sky full of stars. Beneath the moon were snow capped mountains that descended into black forests. It was a beautiful sight and Kathryn couldn't help gaze out at it for a moment from the log cabin's bathroom window. She then turned to the long mirror that graced the wall and began to comb her hair. Short hair was so much easier to keep than long hair, but a part of her missed having long hair. There was so much more she could do with it. Perhaps she would grow it again. Not so long that it almost reached her waist, but long enough so that it flowed over her shoulders. She put down her comb and then looked at herself in the mirror. The low cut blue satin nightdress she was wearing shimmered beautifully in the light and seemed to enhance the natural blue of her eyes.
There was just one last thing she had to do before dedicating the rest of the night completely to herself and Chakotay. She reached into her soap bag and pulled out a commbadge.
"Janeway to Tuvok," she said, as quietly as she could so that Chakotay wouldn't hear.
Tuvok's voice answered. "Go ahead, Captain."
"Is all well with the ship?"
"Yes, Captain."
"There are no anomalies nearby or aliens in the vicinity?"
"None whatsoever, Captain."
Kathryn smiled. "Very well, Janeway out."
The connection terminated and Kathryn put away her commbadge.
She glanced at herself again in the mirror and then left the room.
Kathryn gasped when she entered the bedroom. The curtains were closed and candles bathed the room in a soft golden light. On one of the bedside tables was a beautiful vase of red roses and on the other was a bottle of champagne and two crystal glasses. The table below the window was decorated with a white tablecloth and Kathryn looked at the objects on top of it curiously. There was a crystal bowl filled with water, a white towel, and what appeared to be a crystal jar containing a white creamy substance.
Chakotay stood beside the table, dressed only in a white robe, and picked up the jar.
"This hand lotion contains seeds of Wild Columbine," he said. "It's a plant much honored by my people and symbolic of love. In days of old, a man of my people would grind the seeds into powder and cover his hands with it. Then he would hold the hands of the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and cover her hands with it too. Afterwards they would wash their hands together and this was thought to bless them with a long, happy, life together." He smiled softly. "I would like to share that tradition with you."
Kathryn smiled in return. "And I would like you to share it with me."
Chakotay opened the jar and dipped his fingers into the lotion. He rubbed his hands together, covering them with the thick white cream. He then put down the jar and held his hands ou to Kathryn. She went over to him and he took her hands in his. He held them a moment and then began to caress her fingers as he rubbed the lotion into her skin. His touch was soft, gentle, soothing, and Kathryn was aware of nothing but him and the beautiful fragrance of the lotion.
"Now we wash our hands together," he said after a while, and guided her hands to the bowl of water on the table. He washed her hands gently, sensually, and she responded by washing his. Then Chakotay reached for the towel and just as tenderly they dried each others hands.
When they were finished, they put down the towel and gazed deep into each others eyes.
"I love you," Kathryn whispered. "I really, really love you."
Chakotay smiled. "I love you too."
His arms encircled her and she could hardly breathe as he drew her against him. As his lips descended on hers, she closed her eyes and let her body melt into his.
END OF PART TWO
