Summary: Battle City left Kaiba with strange nightmares, and he takes extreme measures to keep them at bay. Can Yugi and the Spirit of the Puzzle help him cope a better way? Kaiba's account of falling in love, and finding destiny. Sort of SxYxYY. Shounen-ai.

Background information: I've been doing some historical research at the Duel Monsters archives, and I stumbled across this manuscript. I did the translation, and some editing, but the story is Kaiba's own.

Other housekeeping and warnings:

I don't own Yugioh or YGO characters.

May be slightly AU/OOC at times. Deal.

Contains boy-boy (-boy) love. Try it, you'll like it. If not, DEPART with my thanks, pity and blessings. In other word, no gay bashing flames, please.)

Short note on POV: First person, Kaiba. I randomly change tense throughout. I plan to fix eventually, but haven't decided which I like better. Feel free to give me your opinion.

Short note on Pairings: This started as a Prideshipping story, my fav pair…. it has since strayed some, but I can't really go into that. Other pairings have peripheral appearances. Can't say who, yet. Really, I only write what they tell me to.

CHERISH YOUR NAME

Part 1: Save Yourself

Chapter 1 of 6

Song Lyrics from "Save Yourself" by Sense Field

Turn out the light

Just say goodbye, to yourself

May I remind you, when you find you

Are all alone's when you,

You've got to be strong.

That's when they call you

In the night

He's got your picture, in his mind

He's got your number, on a paper

At his disposal, any time

It was early morning on the highway. I had just enough time to get home, shower for school, and pretend to Mokuba that I had slept at home. I considered skipping school, always a temptation when I slept at the apartment. I shook it off. I was going to school. I had to set a good example for Mokuba, and keep the social worker happy. She hadn't been pleased to discover that our guardian had disappeared, and she hovered, threatening to take Mokuba out of my care. Even though I had completed the high school requirements, and more, under Gozaburo's tutors, she seemed to think it important that I attend school. As I also had a company to run, I signed up for the work/study program. I attended 3 classes in the morning, then left for the office. So this Tuesday morning, like every morning, I told myself I was going to school for Mokuba, and to keep the social worker happy. But I knew the real reason: third period class.

I looked at the clock. I was running late. I had had to wake my guest that morning. I hated seeing them in the morning. It brought bile to my mouth. I much preferred when they left in the night, ideally just after… But no, this one….Ray or Roy, he had slept the night…. and wanted to have breakfast! Uh, I didn't come into the city for a relationship. Casual sex only, that was the rule. I had only broken it once…. I considered just leaving him there this morning, but thought better of leaving the apartment unsecured. After all, I didn't plan to be back soon. I never did plan to come to the city, meet men at bars, and bring them back to the apartment. Or so I told myself. The apartment, and the drawer of condoms there, betrayed the truth. The fact was, I never planned NOT to come. If I had late meetings or a lot of homework, I didn't go. But if I had no plans after Mokuba was in bed, if I was alone… I found myself in my car.

I thought again of the one time I had broken my rule. I had succumbed to flattery at a weak moment. He was not the first guy to suggest meeting again, to ask for my number, just the first I had agreed to. It was his eyes, a little too big for his face and …mahogany in color. The reddish brown was nothing like the startling and impossible merlot of the eyes I really wanted to get lost in, but it was close enough to melt me at the moment. I gave him my cell phone number, and my real first name. I threw the phone away the next morning.

I twisted in my seat and glared at the clock. I hated the drive back. I tried to drive fast enough to leave it all behind, but the weight stayed with me. I hated lying to Mokuba, hated wondering when my face would appear in the tabloids, hated the pieces of myself that I gave away to strangers, night after night. On the ride into the city last night I had found myself half praying that I would be carded, half praying that I wouldn't. I was never turned away. I don't think I look 21, but I get what I want. No one says no to me. No one except….

Self-destructive behavior wasn't new to me, but this particular vice was. It started as a way to sleep without the dreams, to have a few minutes peace. The Battle City Finals had left me with images that plagued my sleep, and haunted my waking hours. I fled from them as I could, not because I didn't believe, but because I was afraid that I might. If I allowed myself to believe, it would call into question everything else I accepted as truth, destroying me. So instead I embarked on a path that could only end in the same destruction. At least I would have wrought it myself, not allowed 'destiny' to rule me.

Most of the visions had faded, and I relaxed in my disbelief. My visits to the city changed from a coping skill keeping me sane, to a bad habit I couldn't live without. One dream remained; and it never came often enough. With all of my self I denied that there was any truth in the 'memory,' but I knew that it had not faded because I did not want it to. If anything I wanted more. It was a moment only, and always the same. I was in a room with stone walls, dimly lit with torch fire. Robes billowed about my legs as the door opened, then closed, behind me. I turned to see Yugi, his skin dark and the regalia of a Pharaoh of Egypt draped about his person. His face in the flickering light was terrible, and beautiful; I was in awe, but unafraid. He stepped forward and I reached my hand to that face. It relaxed at once, the piercing eyes closed, the cheek nuzzled into my palm. When I wake that is all I remember except the awareness of the passage of time. I lay in my damp sheets, slick with sweat and more and feel…Peace, Joy, Love.

I watched Yugi at school, looking for some evidence of the dream, but he alternated between sappy and judgmental. He continued his attempts to prove that I needed friendship and asked me, weekly, to hang out with the dweeb gang. I didn't need anybody. As far as what I wanted… but my hands would clench and my gut would churn and I would remember how he humiliated me. I'm not sure when the rage began to fade. Sappy became sweet, and caring. Judgmental…well, that was still there, but at times I could acknowledge his wisdom. Could I find Peace in the arms of this boy? The kind that would last longer than afterglow? Was there any hope he felt the same?

Okay, hope you like so far. Please review.