Integra made her way to bed.

It was late now, she had thoroughly alienated both Alucard and Walter, her health was poor and she was far behind on her paperwork and her feet hurt. All in a night's work, she decided. However, as much as she longed for sleep, she knew she would be up all night.

She usually did not allow herself to think about the past. She hadn't had a very pleasant life and there weren't too many happy memories to look back on, so reflecting on the old days usually resulted in sleepless nights, wondering when things had gone wrong and resolving that tomorrow would be better. And yet, for all the nights she had thought ahead "Tomorrow will be better" she had an awful lot of yesterdays that she'd rather forget. Old memories, bad memories haunting her. And she, of course, had stupidly started thinking about things from a long time ago. Starting with the fireplace, and then the peanut butter and banana sandwiches and of course, her brief childhood friendship with Alucard.


"I can't remember when he stopped. . ."

Of course she remembered when it had stopped. After all, she was the one who put an end to their Bonnie and Clyde days….

It became necessary when she was about sixteen or so. Wait, was she younger then that? She couldn't remember all of a sudden. What had come after the peanut butter and banana sandwich stage? Maple syrup sandwiches? Or did she go straight to those little rye-turkey finger sandwiches Walter insisted was more proper for a lady?

"Not those gooey, messy things," Walter had said. "Can you imagine discussing important, official business over lunch with your fellow knights…and eating those slopping sandwiches with your fingers all sticky and crumbs sticking to your mouth? You should get out of the habit of eating that junk."

The last traces of her childhood, eradicated. What was so embarrassing about her sandwiches that she wasn't allowed to eat them? Would she be allowed to hold on to nothing? Would her duties erase every bit of individuality and personality she had left?

"I empathize," Alucard had offered. In the late night shadows, he was only half visible. "I never get to eat what I want, either."

She returned to him a lop-sided smile. Even half-hearted compassion, especially from a critical monster such as he, deserved appreciation. He was her friend back then and he made a good friend. He was just that much of a bastard that she could always count on him being honest. Even if he was cruel, and he often was, his honesty was what she liked best. Everyone else was still sugar-coating things. But Alucard never treated her like a child. He respected her decisions, even if he didn't understand them. So unlike Walter. So unlike everyone.

Of course, no one was quite like Alucard. He didn't act like an adult, he didn't even act like a human. For him, there was nothing demeaning about obeying a child master because he existed in the world without the pretense of having to measure up to anyone's respectable expectations. If he wanted to tear throats out left and right, he felt no shame. Likewise, if he wanted to nap the afternoon away with his head in a certain young girl's lap, he didn't owe anyone an explanation, not even her. And if Integra wanted to make a goddamn sandwich, Alucard didn't give a shit what went on it. And to young Integra, that all sounded perfectly reasonable. In fact, Alucard was a whole lot more reasonable then anyone else she had ever known.

"You like me," Alucard had commented, lazily strolling through her mind.

"I don't need to answer to that." She just smiled at him and went back to work. She knew it ought to unnerve her, him being able to read her thoughts at any given moment, but it didn't. She was strangely comfortable with him. Even when he was at his worst, panting and wild-eyed, swearing and shooting and snapping and screaming, fangs gleaming and murderous eyes glaring right at her, she barely flinched. Alucard was beautiful. He was amazing to look at. She was very proud of him, and secretly thrilled beyond words that she was his master, and also a little frightened that she might not be worthy to command such a creature. Somehow, she felt he was fragile. She might ruin or damage him somehow if she did not live up to her responsibilities.

Alucard was staring at his master as she did her homework. "You should take a stroll with me through your thoughts. You're giving me rave reviews." He sat down at the dining room table next to her. "You like me so much you even worry about me. Now how does that make sense, when I'm the immortal blood sucker and you're the little girl?"

"I am your master," she replied matter-of-factly. She scribbled down the remainder of her French translations. Home-school was such a bother. "I'm responsible for you. I'm going to take good care of you."

"Oh? And what do you mean by that?"

Sometimes, Integra felt like she could read his mind back. She blushed. How could he say things like that to her? "You know exactly how I mean it. So don't spin it like that."

"You have never asked me to do anything for you," Alucard continued. "I'd like to do something, to show my gratitude."

"I don't really need anything," the young girl responded, getting her school work in order. Since becoming a knight, she had to quit attending her private, all-girls school. Now she had a tutor, an especially vicious tutor who hated it when Integra brought her homework to the lessons all out of order. "I have cooks who make me meals, and maids who clean the house, soldiers to protect me and Walter looks after it all. I don't need anything." She smiled at him again. "And you like your job so much, you don't need anyone to tell you what to do. You always seem to find the vampires on your own. I often wonder how valuable MI5's vampire reports really are since whenever we catch a lead, you've already taken care of it."

The vampire cocked his head. "It is an easy life of pleasure for you, isn't it?"

Integra looked down at the mound of homework, and the stack paperwork she hadn't even looked at yet tonight still waiting on her desk. "It sure is."

He didn't seem to catch her sarcasm. "Very different from how the other knights described it would be."

"Yeah, they made it sound like I would be in constant danger. But I hardly leave the house anymore." She paused to look at him thoughtfully. "I haven't even seen a vampire besides you."

"You're disappointed." Alucard leaned close to her, so that his shoulders were touching her's.

Her smile faded. Although she liked Alucard a lot, she knew he liked to toy with her and deep down, she knew it was inappropriate "Well." She didn't look up at him. "I know it's a blessing. It's better then meeting one in a dark alley and suddenly realizing I'm not up to the task."

"You don't think you're up to the task?"

"I just…" Integra caught her tongue. "What's on your mind, Alucard?"

He frowned. "You don't want to play with me?"

"I think playing with you sometimes leads me into games that aren't meant for me."

"But if you aren't up to a simple game with me, with your humble servant in your own house, what will you ever do in the real world?" He was leaning closer now, his fangs in view. "What if you should meet a vampire in a dark alley?"

"Oh, so that's what's on your mind." She suppressed her smirk. Well, he was a vampire. She never took these mock-threats seriously, though. He would never hurt her, after all, she was his master. He could be such a tease, though. "Alucard, you know there's no vampire in the world as strong as you. After dealing with you night after night, I think I'll do just fine."

Alucard's face softened. She always knew how to butter him up. Sometimes just the right words could get him wrapped around her little finger. But then, she knew it could work both ways. "But to answer your question," Integra continued, "I just wish I had more experience. I don't wish I was in danger."

Alucard nodded. "You're very smart, but you don't act it."

She gave his a sugary-sweet smile. That cruel honesty again. "Thanks. Ass."

"I mean it. You still behave like a child, but there's a limitless world of logic and strategy inside your mind that you take for granted. I admire it. You're always thinking ten steps ahead. And unlike humans, you aren't afraid to change your mind. Most humans will take a stance and stick to a belief no matter what, even if it's wrong, because their beliefs become their identity. But you have no attachments to any philosophy or faith. You are just as subject to change as…I am. The only thing you are true to is yourself." Alucard shifted his position so that he sat right in front of Integra. "And that's why I think you should take control now. There's no reason why Walter should be in charge, leading with just your say-so. You should lead."

Integra snorted. "I do what I have to, but I still need to be schooled. I won't serve Hellsing well as a poorly-educated ignorant. I can't imagine that my studies wouldn't be brushed aside if I vied for full control now…"

"I never went to school," Alucard dismissed.

"I suspected," Integra countered. "And that's why you can't re-fold a newspaper or count change or use a mechanical pencil."

Alucard shrugged at her. "The currency keeps changing. Besides, when would I ever have to do any of those things?"

She waved him off. "It's getting late. I know you could stay up all night and torture me, but I have to go to bed." Putting her papers aside in her miniature brief case, Integra stood up and nodded to Alucard. "Good night."

"You should think about it some more," Alucard offered, disappearing.

The honeymoon lasted for a few more months after that. Integra did think about it, and managed to take more responsibility a little at a time as she became more confident. After a time she was giving all the orders, but Walter still stood as a buffer between the lady of the house and the Hellsing Organization.

"You're a child yet," Walter assured her one night as he served her dinner. "They love you, like they love the Queen. But they aren't ready to take orders directly from you. It helps that your orders go through a chain, like a quality test, so that no mistakes are made. They're more confident if they feel…"

"What you mean is," Integra pried, with a sour expression, "They like me, but they don't respect me. They have no trust in my orders."

"It's not that," Walter insisted, joining her at the table.

The young woman was depressed. She wasn't the least bit interested in food. "Even though I've rigorously trained in every aspect of battle. I can shoot better at my age then most of the soldiers out there! I have to observe every nuance, carefully plan every strategy. Having…people in my way wastes time. Why can't I just command the officers myself?"

"I swear to you, my lady, no one questions your authority."

"It is that," Alucard interjected into her thoughts, consoling his glum master. His presence was so real, she could almost feel him beside her, her cool arms embracing her. "They don't respect you. Most of them have never even seen you. They love you so much because you are a figure head…a helpless child for big, strong men to defend. But to see you as a commander? A child? A woman? They won't have it. What use is their manliness then?"

Integra shifted uncomfortably in her over-sized chair, staring with disinterest at her plate. What if Alucard was right? What if no one had any intention of letting her take control of her family's organization? She eyed Walter warily. This man whom she had always trusted… no, it couldn't be. Could it?

Alucard whispered in Integra's mind: "He thinks you're spoiled. I can read his mind. He doesn't trust you… he doesn't trust a girl to do a man's job."

Integra breathed deeply. There was only one way to confirm this suspicion. She never was one to beat around the bush. "Alucard tells me you don't trust a girl to do a man's job."

Walter halted immediately, a stunned. "What?"

"Is it true?" Integra demanded.

"Of course not! That's absurd! And you should know better then to trust a vampire. The only reason I haven't allowed you to go to the forefront is because your father wouldn't have allowed it."

"Lies," Alucard seethed. "Listen how he brings up the dead…. To disturb you and fill you full of guilt. What a shameless human."

"I have to go," Integra said suddenly, leaving the dinner table before Walter could stop her. How terrible this all was. She had always thought of Walter as family, like an uncle, not just her father's friend. She didn't have very many people to trust. Now it seemed like it was just going to be her and Alucard from now on. There was no one else she could believe in.

Alucard was waiting for her in her bedroom…her bedroom, not the master bedroom that had been her father's, the room that had been her's through her childhood; a small, dusty rose colored room that could only have belonged to a little girl. Alucard seemed impossibly large here, sitting expectantly on her twin-sized bed with her miniature lady's furniture surrounding them. He shrugged when he saw Integra's look of surprise, seeing him here.

Integra tried to divert his attention from her watering eyes by removing her glasses and casually polishing the lenses with her hankie. "I'm not right for this job. I thought I'd be killing vampires. I've been listening to it all my life…how I'd have a duty to the queen, to this country and my family. It meant sacrificing all my own dreams, but I found ways to deal with it…I found solace in my family's pride." Her hands trembled, as she fought back tears. She wasn't going to cry. Weak people cried, and although she was miserable, she wasn't weak. "I'm trapped in this house. This bureaucratic …bullshit is killing me." She slipped her glassed back on her nose. "And I haven't done anything father ever trained me to do, not once since I became the Hellsing director have I done…anything… worthwhile."

Alucard was standing right in front of her and when she noticed she gave a little start. She hadn't heard him stand up or approach. "They plot against you," he told her hastily. "But I can protect you."

She wiped her eyes. "How?"

Alucard was zealous, almost joyful. "I will kill your human enemies. We don't need the Hellsing organization. We can rule this island together, exterminating the vampire filth by ourselves without anyone in our way. We'll paint the country side red until we're the only vampires left."

Integra sniffed, trying compose herself. "You mean you."

Alucard placed his hands on her waist, ready to take her up in his arms at a moment's notice. He even bowed his head, touching his forehead to her's, eager to have the young girl and turn her into his fledgling. He was just waiting for her to show her approval somehow.

Integra stared in disbelief at her vampire servant. He had never approached her in quite this way before and never had he been so bold to take her up in his arms. Her heart was slamming against her chest so hard that she wondered if he could feel it. And although he had insinuated many times, his silly belief that she would somehow make an excellent vampire…he had never dared made himself so clear, as if he really intended to do it.

She was a little frightened. No, she was terrified. And what made things worse is that Alucard's eyes had sunk into a deeper, richer red then she had ever seen before so that she could not read him. His eyelids were heavy, though his pupils were fixated on her. He was deeply immersed in a state of blood lust and she had all his attention. But he hadn't tried to bite her yet. He was still waiting, patiently, but dangerous absorbed by her.

"What say you?" he mummered quietly.

As Integra began to calm, looking up into the smoldering gaze of her vampire pet, she was overwhelmed with a sense of…sadness.

She was failing her father. She was teetering treacherously on the brink of death or worse… contamination of her sacred family line by vampire blood. Surely, if he turned her into a vampire, she would either have to kill herself or be killed. And Alucard would be killed, most certainly. Not only would she fail her family, she would fail her organization and…she would fail Alucard, too, in a way. What an irresponsible master she was. "No," she managed, shaking her head at him. "No."

The vampire made a disappointed grunting noise. "Why?"

"Because it's wrong. And no one knows better then me. Now please let go. This is inappropriate."

Alucard began sniffing around her hair. "I don't offer this thing lightly. You shouldn't be so quick to reject me."

"You said it yourself. I don't need big, strong men to protect me. Not even you. I can do this myself. Please stop that."

"I didn't know you thought of me as a man. I'm somewhat insulted."

She considered it for a second as Alucard mindlessly inhaled the sweet bouquet of her blood through her skin. "If I did it," she continued with confident resolve, "then I'd be every bit as irresponsible as those old men take me for. I really mean it when I say I want to do this job and do it right by my family. I could never do something like that."

Alucard's grasp on her loosened up slightly, but he still kept his arms around her protectively. "You don't have a family, remember little girl? The only other person who shares your blood is me. You put it there, remember?" His smile was genuine. "I likewise wish to put my blood in your body. Don't you wish, as I do, that we could be closer? We could achieve that, if we shared our blood completely."

Again, some sadness returned to the girl then. How she longed for family. However family, which could love unconditionally, was something she suspected a vampire could not be capable of. Even Alucard, for whom she had much affection, could not replace what she had lost. It was best to just move on.

"You can't be my family, Alucard."


In the darkness, Alucard lay quiet on top of his own coffin lid. Hours of night yet lay ahead of him, but he had no desire to get up. He had a vague feeling inside of himself that he'd never felt before, or else he had not felt it for so long he'd forgotten what the feeling was. However, the phrase "Crawl under a rock and die" was repeating in his head over and over again, though he could not say if he was embarrassed or not. "Embarrassment" brought to mind the image of a flushed face, a racing heart beat and cringing, but he felt like none of those things. He was unusually calm, much calmer then he could ever remember being in years. He simply felt…he never wanted to leave this dark resting chamber ever again.

"You are a child. You're a five hundred year old child. Someone else's child . . . I'm responsible for you, I have to take care of you, I have to feed you . . . What I wouldn't give to just leave you high on a mountain peak or push your cradle out to sea, but I can't. I'm stuck with you."

He wasn't angry. Just tired.

Bagged blood, he finally decided. It's not such a torture to drink cold, bagged blood. There were worse things they could be subjecting him to, like drinking animal blood. He ought to stop hounding his master.