Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

CHAPTER SEVEN

PRECIOUS MEMORIES

Chakotay watched as Kathryn slept. He had spent many nights just watching her, listening to the soft rhythm of her breathing. For so many years he had loved her, and now that she was his, completely his, he was almost afraid of going to sleep incase he woke up to find it was only a dream. He moved a strand of hair away from her face, careful not to wake her. There was such a contented smile on her face, such a complete look of peace. The Doctor told him her health had improved significantly since marrying him, and he was glad she was at last sleeping full nights. Chakotay had laughed at that and told him not to spread the word, or it could cast aspersions on his manhood.

"Kim to Captain Janeway. Please come to the bridge immediately."

The message went unheard by the sleeping Captain. Chakotay hated to wake her from this blissful sleep, but duty was calling, and when it did, he knew she would want to respond. He kissed her cheek.

"Kathryn, my love, wake up."

She stirred awake beneath him just in time to hear Harry's second announcement.

"Kim to Captain Janeway. Please come to the bridge as soon as possible."

Chakotay couldn't help chuckle. It was obvious Harry was trying to be discrete, no doubt having been briefed on why it might not be possible for her to immediately respond to his message.

Kathryn sat up. "Computer, what time is it?"

"01:07 hours."

Kathryn sighed. "It must be serious to wake me at this hour." She put her hand on Chakotay's shoulder. "You go back to sleep. I'll call you if I need you."


Still not quite awake, Kathryn walked over to Harry's station.

"Report."

"We've been hailed by the leader of a species called Andorak. He says he will destroy us if we continue to travel through their space."

"I thought this part of space belonged to no one."

"Well, the Andorak claim it as their own."

"Did he give a reason why we can't travel through?"

"No, Captain."

"Hail them."

Harry established a connection and the leader appeared on the view screen.

"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway," Kathryn began. "I understand that we're..."

"I don't care who you are," the man interrupted. "We demand that you leave our space at once or we will destroy your ship."

"We didn't mean to trespass," Kathryn continued. "Submit us a chart of your boundary and we'll leave your space as soon as we can."

The man pressed a couple of buttons on the console before him. "Chart sent. Now leave our space or we will be left with no option but to destroy you."

With that he terminated the connection and the screen went blank.

Kathryn turned to Harry. "Mr Kim, have we received the chart?"

"Yes, Captain," he replied.

"How large is their territory?"

"Large, Captain, but we're only on the fringe of it. If we go back on course and don't detour to explore that nebula we were going to, then we'll avoid their space completely."

"Then get us back on course," Kathryn replied, "maximum warp."

"It's going to take a few hours," Harry continued. "To think they're so defensive, it took them long enough to notice we're in their space."

"Which is probably why they want us to leave so quickly. They've obviously not been doing their job of monitoring the border properly. Just get us out of their space as fast as you can."

With that, she left the bridge and returned to her quarters.


The following morning, Kathryn worked busily at her console, trying to process a vital piece of information. Chakotay joined her on the bridge and planted a loving kiss on her neck before taking his seat beside her. Kathryn glared at him. He knew he was not supposed to be intimate with her while they were on duty, certainly not when they were on the bridge. He smiled at her warmly. "A temporary lapse."

She shook her head, smiling inspite of herself.

"Captain..."

"Yes, Tuvok."

"Ships are surrounding us, fifty in all."

Kathryn's stomach flipped. "On Screen."

An Armada of giant silver vessels stretched out before them. Kathryn stood up, her heart pounding.

"They are Andorak, Captain."

"Hail them," she said, trying not to show the anxiety she felt.

"They are not responding. They are firing weapons."

The ship shook as it was struck and Kathryn was thrown to the floor. She struggled back into her seat.

"Try again, Tuvok. Keep hailing them until they respond."

"We should fire in return, Captain."

"No. We are no match for them. If we fire back, they may destroy us instantly. We..."

The ship span suddenly and she was hurled from her seat. She cried out in agony as her body slammed against cold metal.

Then all was black.

Voices sounded far away... they were getting louder, lights brighter...

Kathryn stirred, but every movement convulsed her body with excruciating pain.

"Be still, Captain. You have been damaged."

Seven.

"I'm alright," she whispered, and vaguely aware that she was still on the bridge, reached out to grab the edge of her chair to try and raise herself.

"Quite the contrary, Captain. You have multiple fractures and internal injuries. Be still."

The heavy mist began to clear from Kathryn's eyes and she could make sense of her surroundings. Her heart stopped at the first sight to greet her. Chakotay was lying lifelessly on the floor beside her, blood running down his face.

"No," she cried, dragging her body over to his. "No, Chakotay..."

Shedesperately fumbled for his pulse and relief consumed her when she found it beating steadily.

"Captain, the leading Andorak vessel is hailing us."

She tried to turn her body to face the screen, but her body was not co-operating. "Help me, Seven," she cried, "lift me up."

"Captain, you have been damaged, you need..."

"Just help me, Seven!"

Seven reluctantly helped Kathryn to sit back against the foot of her chair just in time to receive the transmission.

"We warned you, Captain. Leave our space or we destroy you."

"We are leaving your space," she cried in angry desperation. "Can't you see that we are leaving your space?"

"Not fast enough".

"We're traveling as fast as we can. We..."

A flash of light, then he was gone. All was still. Silent.

"What the... Tuvok, report."

"We have new bearings, Captain. We no longer appear to be in Andorak space..."

Kathryn inhaled sharply. What was going on? What the hell was going on?

She felt Seven's hand on her arm. "You are damaged, Captain. We must get you to sick bay."

"Chakotay first and any other injured crew. I must find out what's going on..."

"Captain..."

"Just do it!"

"Yes, Captain."

Sweat poured down Kathryn's face as she tried to fight the agonizing pain that consumed every part of her body. Both her legs were broken, of that she was sure, and every other bone in her body screamed in torment too.

"Try to get a precise bearing of our location, Tuvok," she said, forcing herself to focus... "and our distance from the Alpha Quadrant."

"I think you will find you are precisely 37,000 light years away."

Kathryn gasped at that familiar voice. "Q."

He knelt beside her. "I couldn't leave you to be destroyed by that most ungracious species, now could I? No, no, no. Call it a helping hand from a friend."

Kathryn turned her head towards him and smiled weakly. "I never thought I would have occasion to be grateful to you."

"Now, now, Kathy, that's most uncharitable," he smiled.

An excruciating pain tore across her chest and she clutched it, murmuring in agony. Q's eyes darkened at her suffering and he clicked his fingers, instantly restoring her to health.

"Now, Kathy, I must be going. Much to do, so little time, even for an immortal..."

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but he was gone.

She stood up, glad to feel whole again, and approached Tuvok. "How many crew injured?"

"Thirty, Captain, but no fatalities."

She sighed in relief. "And the ship?"

"Extensive damage on the starboard side, but a day or two of repairs should be sufficient to restore perfect condition."

She turned to Harry. "And our location, Mr Kim?"

"Just as Q said. 37,000 light years from the Alpha Quadrant. But we're over seven hundred light years off course," he continued. "It's going to take us several months to get back on it which means we're not going be able to communicate with home in that time."

"A few months will soon pass," she said, trying to keep up the spirits of the crew. "Let's just think of all the interesting things we'll have to tell them when we're in touch again."


Kathryn expected Chakotay to be making jokes with the Doctor when she walked into sick-bay, but it was a completely different scenario that she walked into. She was stopped by the Doctor almost before she had even set foot in the room.

"I'm glad you are here at last, Captain."

The look on his face struck her heart with an anxiety that made her reply sharper than she had intended. "Why, is there a problem?"

"Yes. It's Commander Chakotay..."

"What of him?"

"He...he has suffered severe head injuries. I have repaired all the damage that I can, but he has not responded to treatment and.."

Kathryn could hardly breathe from fear... "He's not dead? Please tell me he's not dead..."

The Doctor put his hand on her shoulder. "No, Captain. But he's in a coma and I can't tell you what the chances are of him coming out of it. Even if he does, he may well have permanent brain damage."


Kathryn sat next to Chakotay's bed, holding his hand in hers. She gazed at him, not taking her eyes off his face for a moment. She had been sitting with him almost around the clock since the accident. She wanted her face to be the first face he saw when he woke up. She had promised him that she wouldn't let him down again and she would keep that promise with all that she was. Fortunately they were in an uneventful part of space and she hadn't been needed on the bridge more than once or twice. She was wearing casual clothes, brown trousers and a cream shirt, rather than her uniform, as she wanted it to be Chakotay's wife who greeted him, not his captain. She had her commbadge if anyone wanted to contact her and had armed herself with her tricorder and phaser in the event of an emergency.

She felt a kind hand on her shoulder. It was the Doctor's.

"You should get some rest, Captain."

"I'm fine, Doctor," she replied.

"That's a matter of opinion. When was the last time you ate? Slept? You can't go on like this. You must rest. I'll contact you if there is any change."

"I'm alright, Doctor."

One of the monitors attached to Chakotay began to bleep. Kathryn turned to it anxiously. "What's happening?"

The Doctor hurried over to the monitor. "He's regaining consciousness."

Kathryn turned back to Chakotay and squeezed his hand in happy anticipation. His precious eyes fluttered open and Kathryn smiled warmly. "Welcome back."

His eyes moved from her face to his surroundings and his breathing quickened. "Where am I?"

"You're in sick bay," Kathryn replied. "You were injured on the bridge."

He withdrew his hand from hers, his anxiety increasing by the second. "Who are you?"

Kathryn swallowed nervously. "You know who I am, Chakotay..."

Chakotay sat up. "Why am I here, and where is my crew?"

Kathryn shared a concerned glance with the Doctor, who then went over to his patient.

"Relax, Commander, all is..."

"Starfleet," Chakotay cried when he saw the Doctor's uniform. "I should have known Starfleet would be behind it all. What was that wave? Some kind of illusion so you could trap us?"

"You are suffering..."

"Tell me where I am and what you have done with my people!"

"You are onboard the U.S.S. Voyager," the Doctor said calmly.

"Janeway," Chakotay cried. "I should have known that bitch would use trickery to trap us."

Kathryn simply stared at Chakotay. This could not be happening. It had to be a dream, a terrible nightmare. She once again felt the Doctor's hand on her shoulder. "I think you should wait outside, Captain."

Chakotay turned his attention from the Doctor to Kathryn. "Captain. So you're Captain Janeway. Not much to you, is there? I would have expected more of Starfleet's "secret weapon" against the Maquis." He suddenly seized her by the shoulders. "Tell me what you've done with my people."

Kathryn could not speak, could hardly think...

"Commander, please," the Doctor said fearfully.

"I said tell me what you've done with my crew!"

The Doctor stepped closer to restrain him, but in an instant Chakotay was off the bed and holding Kathryn hostage. He reached for her phaser and pointed it at her stomach. "If you don't release my people and my ship, I will kill your Captain."

"Commander, if you will only let us explain..."

He poked the phaser deeper into Kathryn's stomach. "I said release my people and my ship. Is that understood?"

"I...I...Yes, Commander," the Doctor mumbled, racking his holographic brains to think what to do. There was only one thing he could think of. "Doctor to B'Elanna Torres. Please come to sickbay immediately."

Kathryn tried to move in Chakotay's grasp, but every move she made only forced him to hold her tighter. "I'm not your enemy," she said, desperately trying not to cry. "Please let me go, Chakotay. You're hurting me."

"Not until you've released my crew."

"There is no crew to release. You've been wounded, lost your memory... Much has happened since what you can remember..."

But her words achieved nothing. He was not going to listen. It was all real to him. He really believed she was responsible for the phenomenon that had brought them to the Delta Quadrant and that she was holding him and his crew captive.

B'Elanna came in and stared in confusion at the scene before her. "What's going on?"

The Doctor approached her and tried to whisper discretely. "The Commander is suffering from Amnesia. He thinks..."

He was interrupted by Chakotay who was staring in disbelief at B'Elanna. "What the hell are you doing in that uniform?"

B'Elanna slowly approached him. "I'm a member of this crew now, Chief Engineer. And you're the First Officer, husband of the Captain."

Chakotay stepped away from her, drawing Kathryn back with him. "She is not B'Elanna Torres. She's a hologram, an illusion."

"No, Chakotay, I swear. If you will only listen..."

"This is a trick, an attempt to deceive me so I release the Captain. Well it won't work. Either you release my crew and my ship, or I kill your precious Captain."

"This is no trick, Chakotay. We're in the Delta Quadrant after being drawn here by the Caretaker. Our ship was destroyed in a battle with the Kazon and we all now serve aboard Voyager as we try to make our way home. We've been traveling for almost seven years..."

"I don't believe a word of it."

"Then take a look around, look at the monitors. It's 2378, not 2371."

"Dates can be altered, part of the illusion. How do I know this isn't the holodeck? Voyager has holodecks, does it not?"

The pressure against Kathryn's throat was unbearable now, and a million emotions were raging through her mind... She leant back against him, taking deep breaths, forcing herself to think, forcing herself to be the Captain. He wouldn't hurt her, of that she was certain. She knew him, knew him better than she had ever known anyone. He would rather die himself than take another life unnecessarily and had saved her from Garl even when he was under Teero's influence.

"If you know of me, Chakotay," she cried, "you'll know that I can't be bribed or threatened. I can't release your crew because everything B'Elanna has told you is true. And even if it weren't, even if it were 2371 and I your enemy, I would not give in to you. You would have to kill me. So kill me, Chakotay, because I can't give you what you ask."

She saw the terrified look on the faces of B'Elanna and the Doctor as Chakotay clutched her even tighter for a moment. She cried out at the crushing pain, but as soon as her cry escaped her lips, Chakotay released her as though she was suddenly hot to the touch. As he let go of her, she fell against the bed, breathless.

Chakotay glanced at B'Elanna, the Doctor, and then Kathryn, and it was obvious that he was confused and terrified.

The Doctor approached him. "All is as B'Elanna tells you, Commander. You were injured on the bridge and have suffered memory loss."

Frightened tears welled in his eyes. He didn't believe for a moment what they were telling him, but he was outnumbered and if he continued to defy them, they would sedate him, or worse, kill him.

"I think a tour of the ship might help convince you, Commander," the Doctor continued. "It might even help jog your memory." He turned to Kathryn. "Captain, I believe it would be best for you to accompany him."

Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded.

"And B'Elanna," Chakotay added. Even if she was not the real B'Elanna, and she certainly didn't look like she did the last time he had seen her, it was at least comforting to have a familiar figure around.


Chakotay looked around the bridge. Nothing was in the least familiar.

"This is where you sit," B'Elanna said, pointing to his chair. "The Captain sits next to you."

"As I would expect if we are supposed to be Captain and First Officer," he said coldly. "I have been on Starfleet vessels before. The real B'Elanna Torres would..." He stopped when he saw Tom Paris walking towards him.

Tom smiled in his usual jocular way. "How is the head?"

"Tom Paris, you God damn traitor! What are you doing here?"

Tom looked at him in confusion. "Commander?"

Chakotay saw Tuvok directly behind him. "And Tuvok! Well, Mr Vulcan, I had my doubts about you. I was suspicious the moment you asked to join my crew, but I figured it was better to face the devil than to run for him. I knew Janeway intended to infiltrate the Maquis and I was prepared." He turned to B'Elanna. "But you, B'Elanna. I would never have taken you for a traitor. I thought you were one of us!" He then turned again to Kathryn. "Tell me what you've done with my crew!"

"Look around you, Chakotay," B'Elanna interrupted. "You'll see your crew. They're part of this crew now."

Chakotay looked around. Sure enough, there were several members of his crew busy working. But still he couldn't bring himself to believe what he was hearing. He didn't want to believe it. "You've been coerced or threatened. Damn it! What did she offer you? Your lives and freedom in return for details on the Maquis? Are you all so easily broken!"

Kathryn's head was hurting from lack of food, sleep, and all the worry of the past week, and her neck was sore from Chakotay's rough grip. Feeling a little dizzy, she held onto the bar that divided the bridge. It was just a subtle action, but one that went observed by the Doctor.

"You need to rest," he said, looking at her in concern.

At those words, Kathryn removed her hand from the bar. "I'm alright, Doctor. Besides, Chakotay needs me."

"You'll be no use to him or anyone else if you collapse of exhaustion, Captain. You must rest. Doctor's orders."

Kathryn sighed. She really didn't feel like another battle right now. "Very well, Doctor. I'll go to my quarters for a while."

Once she had left the bridge, Chakotay turned back to B'Elanna. "Now that she's gone, tell me the truth."

"We've told you the truth, Chakotay," she replied. "If you can't believe it, then for everyone's sake, and especially for the Captain's, at least try and keep an open mind."


Sleep came easier than Kathryn thought it woud. Her body was so tired that she fell asleep almost as soon as she lay back in her favourite chair. She slept for a long time until the sound of the door chime woke her.

Kathryn sat up and put her hand to her aching neck. "Come in."

The Doctor came in.

Kathryn got to her feet. "Has Chakotay's memory returned?"

"No, Captain," the Doctor said sadly. "And I have to tell you that the Commander's condition is serious." He paused. "I haven't been able to do all the tests I need to as the Commander won't let me, but the tests I have done indicate that his condition is most likely permanent."

Kathryn's already pale face, paled further at that. "But there must be something you can do..."

"I'm afraid not, Captain. The only thing I can suggest is that wecontinue trying to stimulate his memory. It might help."

Kathryn looked away from the Doctor and walked over to the window.

"If Chakotay has lost his memory for good," she said quietly, "then we've lost him for good..."

"Not necessarily," the Doctor continued. "His memory of eveything before Voyager seems to be fine and there doesn't seem to be any further brain damage..."

Kathryn turned to the Doctor now, anger setting in. "But everything we are is based on memory, Doctor! If Chakotay doesn't get his memories back, then we've lost the Chakotay we all knew and loved and he's lost his life!"

"He isn't dead, Captain," the Doctor argued. "He retains memories of most of his past and he still has a future..."

"But what kind of a future, Doctor? He doesn't know us..."

"He can get to know us, just like he did before..."

"And how is that going to happen when he thinks we're keeping him hostage?"

"By getting him to accept that we're not." He paused. "And once he's accepted his condition, he's going to need all your love and support to get through this."

Kathryn turned back to the window. "What good will my love be to him when he doesn't even know me?"

"Because all this is very frightening for him, Captain. Imagine if you woke up one morning and found yourself on another ship with people you had always believe to be an enemy telling you it had been your home for several years? But if he finds friendship here, and love, then it may all be a little less frightening. He's lost seven years of his life, seven years that have changed his life considerably. He's bound to feel very displaced and alone."

Kathryn was quiet for a moment, then she spoke. "What if he doesn't want my love, Doctor?"

"He will want it," the Doctor replied. "Believe me, he will want it."


"You've sure done a great job of trying to convince me this little illusion is real," Chakotay said, looking around Kathryn's quarters and seeing Indian relics scattered here and there, suggesting he shared the room with her. "But I have to tell you, I'm not convinced yet."

Kathryn stepped closer to him. "What will convince you?"

"Nothing. I know the truth."

"Which is that I am keeping you captive?"

"Yes."

"So why am I in here alone with you? You threatened to kill me in sickbay earlier today. If we were enemies, do you really think I would risk my life by being alone with you like this? Look at me, Chakotay. I am unarmed, I have no way of defending myself against you."

"And if it was true, that I am suffering from Amnesia, wouldn't you be protecting yourself from me? You were on a mission to capture me, after all."

"I know I have no reason to protect myself from you. I know you would never hurt me, whether you are the Chakotay of now or seven years ago."

She looked deep into his eyes and the warmth he saw there momentarily made him flinch. He looked away. "You are contained in a forcefield or are some kind of hologram. You know you are protected."

Kathryn drew close to him and put her hand on his shoulder to show that there was no barrier between them.

"There is no forcefield, and I am no hologram. We are unable to project holograms into this part of the ship. The Doctor comes here only by his holo emitor."

Chakotay lowered his head and she could feel him tremble violently. She stroked his arm in a comforting gesture. "Everything you have been told is true. The wave you think I caused was generated by a species we know only as the Caretaker. He drew you and your crew into the Delta Quadrant, and he drew us too when we went to the Badlands in search of your vessel. I destroyed his array to save an alien civilization called the Ocampa, but that action stranded us here in the Delta Quadrant as the array was the only certain way home. Our two crews united and for almost seven years we've been trying to make our way back to the Alpha Quadrant. So much has happened in that time. You and I have married, and I love you very much."

Chakotay's shoulders quivered and she could tell he wanted to cry. He looked up at her, his eyes wet with unshed tears. "This is a cruel game, Captain. Please don't do this to me."

Kathryn took his hands in hers and held them tight. "I promise you, Chakotay, I'm telling the truth."

A million emotions flashed in his eyes, but Kathryn could see there the desire to believe, even as he broke away from her.

"How am I supposed to believe it? How am I supposed to believe that Starfleet and Maquis marry?"

"Because it's the truth." Kathryn picked up their wedding photo. "Take a look at this."

She held it out to him. Hesitantly he took it. He gazed at it a long time before speaking. "It's an illusion."

"No. It's real. Absolutely real."

Chakotay looked up at her. "If it's real, then kiss me now like you're kissing me there."

Kathryn stepped close to him and took the picture from his hand. She put it down on the table next to her and then slipped her arms around his neck. She closed her eyes and kissed him softly. He murmured and then lightly pushed her away. No one had ever kissed him with such tenderness before. No one had ever looked at him the way she looked at him.

"It can't be true," he whispered. "It can't..."

"I know you're frightened, Chakotay, and I know I am a stranger to you. But I love you and I'm here for you. Don't be afraid. Just trust me, just believe me."

As he looked into her eyes, something stirred deep inside, something compelling him to trust her. "I believe you," he whispered. "I believe you."


Chakotay lay still in the bed he was told he shared with his wife. He watched Kathryn move about the room as she got ready for bed. He found himself captivated by her. He thought she was very beautiful, with pale skin and bright copper hair, and her eccentricity highly amused him. She was so methodical in everything she did, the perfect scientist. At last she stopped moving around the room. She stood before the bed and glanced at him before taking off her robe. He momentarily looked away, but found himself drawn to her again. Almost uncomfortably, she took off the robe and lay it on the chair beside the bed. She wore a low cut blue satin nightdress with only thin shoulder straps. Chakotay caught his breath at the beauty of her body. Kathryn got in the bed and sat beside him. She reached for her cup on her bedside table and took a drink.

"Decaffeinated coffee," she smiled. "So long as I have the taste, anything will do."

"I take it then you like coffee?"

"Oh yes."

She picked up a chocolate cookie and handed the plate to him. "Would you like one?"

"No, thank you."

"No cookie? You love these things."

"I'm alright, really, Captain."

Kathryn put the plate back on the table. "Let's establish some ground rules here. When we're alone, you call me Kathryn, alright?"

"Yes, Capt..." He smiled apologetically. "Kathryn."

His smile did not convince her. She could tell he was distinctively uneasy in her company.

"We don't have to share, Chakotay," she said kindly. "If it would be easier for you, I'll arrange for you to sleep somewhere else."

"There's no need for that," he said quietly. "I'm your husband and belong at your side."

"But it wasn't you who married me, it was ... your future self. You don't have to feel obliged to do anything."

"My people take marriage very seriously, Capt ... Kathryn. Whether I remember marrying you or not, I am your husband and have obligations towards you."

His words unintentionally hurt her and she turned away.

He was too perceptive to miss her pain. "I've said something wrong."

"No, Chakotay," she said softly. "Just to me, a husband ... or rather a wife, is a friend, a lover, not an obligation."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I never meant..."

"I know," she said quietly. "It's not your fault."

"Perhaps it would be easier for you if I slept somewhere else."

"No, I ... I want you here." She looked up at him. "Just be yourself with me, Chakotay. I know you for what you are and I love you for what you are."

He smiled warmly, but her words were not the comfort he knew she intended. It was disturbing to think a stranger could know him so intimately.

"May I ask you something?"

"Anything, Chakotay."

"How did you and I ... How did we fall in love?"

Kathryn was a moment in answering as she thought about the answer. "I suppose because we have so much in common and we share the same ideals and values. We both love space exploration and archaeology and very quickly felt at ease in each others company." She paused. "Of course, that isn't to say our relationship was always easy. I was afraid you see and you..." She stopped as tears welled in her eyes. This was hard, so hard... "I think I'd better brush my teeth," she said, and got out of bed. Without looking at Chakotay, she made her way to the bathroom.

Kathryn was a long time in the bathroom. Too long, Chakotay thought. It didn't take half an hour to brush your teeth. From the look on her face just before she left, it wasn't hard to guess what she was doing there either. Sure enough, when she eventually returned, her eyes were red and puffy. Her pain knifed his heart, even if she was a stranger to him. She must have seen his pity reflected in his eyes because she looked away from them.

"There was a short circuit ... the water conduit..."

She obviously didn't want him to know that she had been crying. He nodded, going along with it. Kathryn walked over to the bed and climbed inside. Chakotay noticed that she was trembling slightly as she turned towards him.

"I would like ... I would like to sleep now," she said quietly.

"So would I," he whispered.

Kathryn gave a dazed nod and then lay down. She pulled the covers tight around herself, almost as though protecting herself.

"Computer, dim lights," she said in a voice that was just audible.

Immediately the lights faded and only starlight filled the room. Chakotay lay down too. He lay on his back, slightly turned towards Kathryn, and gazed at her silhouette form. Only hours ago in his perception of reality this woman had been his enemy. But now it was not hostility he felt towards her, only a strange and inexplicable desire to protect.


Kathryn rubbed her tired eyes as she waited for the silver doors leading to her quarters to open. They opened and she stepped in. A delicious smell of cooking greeted her, and her table was all set for a meal. Chakotay was pouring her a glass of wine. For a moment it seemed like old times. Chakotay often had a meal waiting for her when she finished her shift. But when he looked up at her, it was impossible to forget. Oh, he looked at her kindly, smiled his beautiful smile, but there was no love in his eyes.

"I thought you would be hungry."

"That was very thoughtful of you."

Kathryn went over to the table and he pulled out her chair for her to sit down. She did so with a thankful nod. "What have you made us?"

"Pachebri. It's one of..."

"Your favorites. Mine too."

He seemed disappointed. "Of course. I've probably made it for you lots of times."

"Not enough times."

She began to scoop the pasta based meal from the dish, and then helped herself to some vegetables. Chakotay stood, watching her.

"Well, Chakotay, join me."

He nodded and then sat opposite her. "Forgive me, Kathryn. All this is still so new to me."

"I understand."

Chakotay began to eat and they ate for a long time in silence, smiling at each other awkwardly every now and then. Kathryn ate fast as she was starving.

"You have a healthy appetite," Chakotay commented.

Kathryn laughed. "Not always. The Doctor's always reprimanding me for not eating enough, or rather for eating too irregularly. It's strange. I'm so regimented when it comes to my duties, but when it come to eating, sleeping, I've never got into a routine. I've started to lately since..." She paused in mid sentence. "I could do with some more wine."

Chakotay poured her some and then turned back to his food.

"How did you and I get together? B'Elanna says we loved each other years before we did."

Kathryn put down her wine. "It's a long and complicated story," she said sadly. "Suffice it to say we had a little help from ... a friend."

Chakotay hesitated. "Why did it take us so long?"

"For many reasons. You thought your Maquis past would be a problem for me, that if I got involved with you I would be frowned upon when we got home. And because you kept silent about your feelings after New Earth, I thought you no longer cared for me that way. I was sure that if you wanted a relationship with me you would tell me. But once we were back on the ship, you never mentioned your feelings. I waited for you too, because I needed the impetus to come from you, and I tried to show you how interested I was by inviting you to romantic things like a moonlight sail on Lake George. I even once told you I couldn't imagine living a day without you. But still you were silent."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay replied.

"You thought you were doing the right thing by staying silent," Kathryn replied, "and I should have been braver, should have confronted you."

"Why didn't you?"

Kathryn lowered her eyes and picked up her glass of wine uncomfortably. "Because of things that had happened to me in the past." She paused. "People think I'm so strong, so brave, but I'm not always strong, not always brave. I wanted you to tell me that you loved me first."

Chakotay's voice was tender. "What happened to you?"

Kathryn hesitated. "I was held captive by the Cardassians ... you can imagine..."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said.

Kathryn looked up at him and saw a concern in his eyes now, a certain warmth, but mainly pity. She looked away again. She didn't want his pity.

"It must have been difficult, getting over something like that."

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "I'm not sure you ever really get over it, just come to terms with it. There's a difference." She paused. "But I was one of the lucky ones. I made it out alive." She bit her lip hard and could have kicked herself for that insensitive remark considering what happened to his family. "I'm so sorry..." she said hastily. "I didn't think..."

"It's alright," Chakotay replied. "Nothing to apologize for. I'm so glad you made it out alive. I'm just sorry you were captured in the first place."

Kathryn relaxed a little at that. "And I'm sorry for what happened to your family."

Chakotay nodded and now it was his turn to look away. That wound was still fresh. He poured himself some more wine.

"I think," he said, putting down the bottle, "what we need is a date...a 'getting to know you' session."

Kathryn sat back against her chair and thought about this a moment. A date. She and Chakotay had never been on a date in the traditional sense. They had never needed too. They already knew, loved, and trusted each other.

"I suppose it's worth a try," Kathryn said cautiously. " I shouldn't really take vacation while we're in the Delta Quadrant, but we should be clear of this astroid zone in two days time, and, if all is well, I can take the weekend off. We could go on a camping trip."

Chakotay smiled. "Sounds good to me."


So far the "date" had been a success. They had spent the day walking in the mountains and the evening was going well with a picnic before an open fire. The remains of food lay scattered on the plates, and Kathryn lay on the blanket looking up at the stars.

"Even after all this time in space, I never get tired of looking at the stars."

Chakotay lay beside her. "I never have either." He turned to look at her slightly. "Did you always want to be a Starfleet Officer?"

"I suppose I did. My father was an Admiral, and Starfleet had always been a part of my life. I never thought about doing anything else."

"Tell me about your father."

"Not a lot to tell, really. He was a great Admiral and he was involved with designing shuttles. I didn't know him very well. He was always away from home."

"Is he still alive?"

"No," Kathryn answered. "He was killed in a shuttle accident over nineteen years ago. My fiancé was killed too. I was the only one to survive."

"I'm sorry," he said. "It must have been devastating."

Kathryn sat up too and wrapped her arms protectively around herself. "It was," she replied. "But I'd rather not talk about it. I mean, not now."

She had clearly suffered as many losses in her life as he had and, from what he had told her, had lived, for the most part, as lonely an existence as him. It perhaps wasn't surprising they had found love and solace with each other, despite the different worlds they came from.

"I understand," he replied.

Kathryn put her hand to her neck and rubbed at the stiffness.

Chakotay noticed and gestured. "Let me..."

Kathryn lowered her hand in unspoken consent and Chakotay sat behind her.

"My mother used to get sore necks all the time," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I was the only one she trusted not to make it worse."

Kathryn opened her eyes at the familiar words and Chakotay felt her muscles tighten harder than iron beneath his fingers. He drew his hands away.

"Don't stop," Kathryn said, closing her eyes again. "Please..."

He began to massage her again and slowly he felt her muscles soften. She leant her head back, closed her eyes.

All too soon he drew away, his task done. Kathryn felt the loss of their physical connection profoundly and he sensed her pain. He stood up.

"Computer, music. Moonlight Sonata."

The soothing music began to play and Chakotay held out his hand to Kathryn. "Dance with me."

Kathryn hesitated but then took his hand and stood up. She drew close to him and he drew her into his arms. She lay her head on his shoulder and they swayed softly to the music. After a while, Kathryn raised her head and rested her cheek against his. She was in the arms of the man she loved and she allowed herself to forget all that had happened. She kissed his cheek softly, worked her way to his lips, and then kissed him tenderly. He responded, and she slipped her arms around his neck as the kiss deepened.

Kathryn smiled as they drew away, but saw only pain on Chakotay's face. He touched her cheek softly, not sure what he should say, do. He cared for her, he cared for her very much, and if this had been truly a first date, then he would have kissed her again. But their feelings and experience of each other were not matched, and it seemed cruel to only care when she loved.

"I think we should clear up," he said uncomfortably.

Kathryn nodded and tried hard not to let her pain at his rejection show. "Good idea."

She turned to the fire. "I'll take the ... Oh, what the hell. Computer, delete fire and all surrounding objects."

Instantly they all disappeared. Chakotay smiled. "That's one way of doing it." He then fell serious. "Kathryn, I ... I think we should sleep separately tonight."

The words hurt, but Kathryn had half expected them. "Is that what you want?"

"Yes."

"Then I'll return to my quarters." She looked up at him and forced a smile. "I'll leave you to this haven."

She turned away, about to head for the door.

"No..." Chakotay cried, "Don't go." The desperation in those words caught even him by surprise.

Kathryn turned to him slowly and there was nothing but pain and confusion in her eyes.

"It isn't what I want," Chakotay whispered.

Kathryn bridged the gap between them. "Are you sure?"

He nodded. "I'm sure." He then unexpectedly reached out and touched her hair. "Your hair ... it used to be longer..."

Kathryn could hardly breathe at those words.

"You would wear it swept back from your face..."

"Yes, Chakotay," she whispered. "Yes, that's right."

He gazed deep into her eyes. "I can see you...You're wearing something blue, a blue dress...You're standing close to me ... I feel..."

"What do you feel?"

His eyes dulled. "I don't know ... I don't know..."

Kathryn took his hand in hers. "Do you remember anything else?"

He shook his head sadly.

Kathryn's eyes dulled with disappointment but she tried to disguise it with a smile. "But it's a start, Chakotay," she said, "it's a start."


Waiting for her morning coffee to cool, Kathryn looked through some photographs of her and Chakotay that she had stored in a personal file on her computer. When she had more time later, she would print some of them off and give them to Chakotay to look at. They could help trigger some memories.

The door chime sounded and Kathryn called out.

"Come in."

The ready room doors opened and Tom and B'Elanna came in. They stood close together and had a look on their face that told Kathryn they had something to tell her, something they weren't sure she would like.

Kathryn clasped her hands rather anxiously in front of her. She didn't know if she could face any more bad news. "Tom, B'Elanna, what can I do for you?"

"We ... we have something to tell you, Captain," B'Elanna began. She then glanced at Tom nervously before continuing. "I'm pregnant."

At this news, Kathryn got to her feet. "That's wonderful, B'Elanna, truly wonderful."

B'Elanna smiled now, her anxiety dissipating. "I wasn't sure how you would feel about it..."

"I'm delighted," Kathryn smiled, "absolutely delighted." She embraced the parents-to-be warmly. "Congratulations."

"Thank you, Captain," B'Elanna said.

"When is the little one due?"

"We're not sure exactly. About seven months time."

"We're going to have to celebrate," Kathryn continued, hitting her commbadge. "Janeway to Neelix."

The Talaxian's voice replied. "Go ahead, Captain."

"Come to my Ready Room. We have a party to organize."

She could hear the excitement in Neelix's voice. "I'll be right there, Captain."

The link ended and Kathryn put her hand on B'Elanna's shoulder. "You are both ready to share the news, aren't you?"

"I think half the ship knows anyway," B'Elanna said. "Icheb let it slip ... long story." She paused. "There's one more thing, Captain. We would like you and Chakotay to be godparents."

Kathryn smiled, deeply touched. "We'd be honored, B'Elanna, honored."


Kathryn woke with a start. She was breathing heavily and was drenched in her own sweat. Chakotay sat up.

"Are you alright, Kathryn?"

She nodded. "Yes, I ... Yes, I'm fine."

She lay down again and closed her eyes, desperately trying to shut out visions that haunted her mind.

"Would you like me to hold you?"

Kathryn opened her eyes and for a moment was silent. She wanted him to hold her desperately, but she was afraid of the vulnerability of her emotions. She had to be strong for him. He didn't need her pain. But then the Doctor had said she needed to learn to take from him too, to let him share in setting the pace of their relationship...

"Yes," she whispered. "I would like that."

He drew close to her and she felt his body against her back, felt his arm around her waist as he drew her into his arms. She leant back against him and entwined her arms with his. He caressed her softly, a gentle touch lulling her back to sleep. She tried to relax into his embrace, tried to fall asleep, but all that came were tears.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry..."

She tried to break away from him, but he held her firmly. "It's alright to cry, Kathryn. You need to cry. Just let me be here for you, let me hold you."

She turned to him slowly, and he gathered her against his chest. She wept softly in his arms, wept long. Just like so many times since the incident, he felt a stirring of emotions deep inside, emotions he couldn't explain or understand. Until now. He loved her. He could not doubt that anymore. Whether he had fallen in love with her again, or whether a part of him still carried the love he had once carried for her, he did not know. All he knew was that he loved her.

He gently caressed her arm. It was a soft, sensual, touch. As he touched her, Kathryn's tears softly ebbed. She lay still against him and he heard her intake of breath. He moved his hand to her body now and sensually caressed her from hip to breast. Kathryn stirred and raised herself to look at him. Chakotay touched her face, ran his hand down over her neck to her chest and back again. She looked beautiful in the starlight, breathtaking. Her hand found his body now and he gasped as she ran her hand over his chest. The current between them was powerful, magnetic. He had never felt anything like it before. She leant forward and kissed his mouth, searching deeply. He responded and rolled on top of her, deepening the kiss further. He then began to kiss her neck, her chest, and felt her body arch beneath him with longing. He kissed her body through the thin layer of silk negligee and then worked his way back to her lips. As he did so, he tasted her tears. Her lips broke away from his and she cried out breathlessly

"No ... please..."

Instantly Chakotay drew away from her. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I thought it was what you wanted..."

"I do," Kathryn answered. "I just... not like this... I don't want your pity..."

Chakotay reached up and touched her face. "I love you, Kathryn. I know it now that I love you. I don't know how, or why, or what it means, but I know that I love you..."

Kathryn swallowed. "You love me?"

He nodded and gazed deep into her eyes. Kathryn smiled as she saw in them the love that had always been there.

"And I'm going to make you happy," he said softly. "I might never have my memory back but I'm going to keep learning about our life together and will do everything I can to try and be the man you knew."

Kathryn took his hand in hers. "Just be you, Chakotay," she whispered. "Just be you."

Chakotay kissed her hand and then lowered his lips to hers.

END OF CHAPTER SEVEN