HOW LIKE A FALLEN ANGEL – CHAPTER 6

She was sitting up in bed, looking pale and a little drawn; but she had never looked more beautiful to my eyes. She was talking quietly with Buffy when I walked in. Immediately her face lit up when she saw me, but I must admit that Buffy looked less than happy. "How are you, Bella Alba" I asked.

She blushed a bit at her pet name, but answered 'better than I was, thanks".

I just stood there, not quite knowing what to say; "I'm sorry" I finally managed.

"Why"

"I could have healed you, but I took care of Grace instead."

"You did what you should have done, she didn't make a choice, I did."

"True but because of my choice you nearly died and you still hurt. I know I did the right thing, I'm just having trouble believing that it really was the right thing." I looked at her arm, leg, torso, anywhere but her eyes; I just couldn't face them.

She took my hand, forcing me to look at her face "I wish I knew some way to convince you that it was, it's the choice I would have made." She shifted in bed and a look of pain flitted across her features.

Concerned, I moved closer to her; "do you want me to help out with that?"

She just nodded.

I moved to her side and extended my hands over her body; exerting my power and clearing the energy flow around her wounds. She stiffened for just a second, but then settled back with a sigh as the pain eased. I was glad that I could do this for her; I just hoped that dealing with my guilt would be this easy. I looked down at her radiant face, "better now" I asked.

"Yeah" she answered quietly.

I was falling into her eyes and I felt all of my control disintegrating. I was fighting for breath, and the tears were pouring. I lay down on the bed with her, my arms encircling her upper body, my head resting on her left shoulder. I could barely see through my tears, and my voice was clotted and thick with emotion. "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't made it."

"You would have been OK."

"No, I really don't believe that; I don't think I could ever be OK in a world without you in it. I don't even know if I would be capable of making the same decision again."

"You'd better not mean that."

I pulled back a bit, surprised. "Why, you're the world to me; my heart would be shattered beyond redemption if you were lost."

She looked hurt; "that's too much responsibility for me."

I was incredulous, "what".

She thought for a moment; "would you give me your swords?"

"Sure"

"Your pistol and dagger as well?"

"In an instant."

"All of your powers and abilities?"

"What, why?"

"So that I could be sure you are always safe. In order to keep you as safe as possible, I'd have to control every part of your life; have control of every weapon and all the power."

I started to reply, but then her meaning began to dawn on me so I wisely kept my mouth shut.

She smiled sweetly, "this life is mine, and the choices are mine and the risks are mine. Promise me that you'll never place the welfare of others below my safety or ask me to not live my life in the name of security. For better or worse, this is my life, no one elses, and you've taught me to value it too highly to give it's keeping to anyone, even someone I love."

I nodded once to promise and then just held her tight, running my fingers through her long hair. "Did I ever mention how insanely lucky I was to find you?"

"Oh, you may have hinted at it once or twice." She giggled a bit as she couldn't hold a straight face any longer.

I cupped her chin in my hand and looked deep into her eyes; "you are everything that makes this existence worth-while, I just wish that I could adequately convey how much I love you."

I wrapped her in a mental embrace, pouring all of my love and affection and admiration into her, finding the feelings because I could never find the words. She returned it, surrounding me with her feelings. It was a moment of absolute joy.

Suddenly I felt her stiffen; "Ian, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Part of you isn't there."

"Oh" I said, understanding what she was sensing "I needed a bit of power."

"So you gave up almost six years of memories for me?" She looked upset that I had gone to such extremes, but I touched her lips with my finger and quieted her before she could continue.

"It was my choice to do so, and I would gladly do it again."

She looked surprised, but not unhappy. I leaned in and we shared a brief, delicious kiss. Just then, Faith popped her head into the room. "Uh, I hate to break this up, but we need to get Grace home soon Ian."

I just nodded, not taking my eyes off Dawn, and then; reluctantly, I turned and went back to work.

INTERLUDE

"Thanks for cluing me in Buffy."

"No problem, just part of the big sister contract. I gotta give you credit, I thought you'd tear him a new one."

"I might have, if you hadn't warned me."

"I was impressed, you held it together great."

"Because I listened, not just to what he said, but to how he said it. I gotta admit he can be the most frustrating person on the face of the earth. He's blunt, tactless and brutally honest; there are times I just want to punch his lights out. But then, he's so totally open and trusting, he will open up his heart without considering the cost to himself, because he always places others before himself. I tell you what Buffy; the only thing I couldn't live without is him. God, I've got it bad."

"I'd say it's mutual."

"You say that as though you're surprised."

"I guess in a way, I am. I mean, I never doubted that he loved you; I just always wondered how much he could love you. Being what he is and the priorities he has, I was just never sure how deep it ran. But then I saw him when he brought you in. It was scary you know, I've never seen someone hurt the way he did. I've had my share of heartbreak; don't get me wrong, but all those were minor league compared to this. Both Faith and I were worried about what would happen if you died. We were talking about evacuating, and we were serious."

"Faith was worried?"

"No, she was scared spitless."

"You were afraid he would kill himself or anyone else?"

"We really had no idea what would happen, we thought anything was a possibility, from suicide to mass murder. Just being close to that depth of hurt opened my eyes."

"To what?"

"Seeing how much he loved you and you loved him, I couldn't allow that to be lost because either one of you forgot that, even for a moment. So, I played 'Buffy, relationship guru' and made sure you understood how he had been, so you wouldn't over-react before you calmed down and started thinking."

Dawn started to say something, but realized that Buffy was just stating the plain truth. She did fly off the handle before really thinking about everything, and it had hurt people on more than one occasion. "Thanks for looking out for me."

"Like I said, all part of the big sister contract; now you get better or I'll tell Faith that you want to spar with her 'cause she's a big wussy."

"Meanie"

"True, but you love it."

"No, I love you, thanks."

"You're welcome."