Mary-Sue the Magnificent

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, and I'm so sorry for what I'm doing, Professor. You're probably turning over in your grave.

A/N: For those of you who know what a Mary-Sue is, please skip this paragraph. And for those of you who don't, here's an explanation. A Mary-Sue can be, as Anni said, a character based on you. Usually, these are the characters that drop somehow or other into a canon (the actual book, movie, show, or game, depending) and somehow change things, whether drastically or barely. These Sues aren't always bad. You'll find quite a few that are satisfying characters. However, the Mary-Sue I'm depicting is the evil, extreme Mary-Sue that pops up in almost every writer's first work. Stress the almost, as I've read many who haven't. These Sues are usually perfect in every sense, with perfect fighting abilities, perfect looks, special magical powers, etc. In the LOTR fandom, they tend to be one of these: the true Heir of Isildur (Aragorn's sister), the tenth member of the Fellowship, an angsty character who needs to be saved, a mysterious Ringbearer, or the newfound love of Legolas (or Aragorn or Boromir or Frodo or Pippin). They tend to appear in Middle-Earth like this: fatal car accidents, magic portals, a new person at the Council of Elrond, an Elf, someone who lives in Middle-Earth and is special and orphaned, Legolas' sister, or an amnesiac. Who wouldn't want a perfect character? I mean, writers love their characters, so the first usually tend to be like that. I'm at fault for this myself. It's shameful, but what can I do? Sorry for this long explanation. On to the story!

Chapter One: Mary-Sue's Angsty Childhood

Mary-Sue was born in Rivendell shortly after her father, Arathorn, died. That was how Gilraen died, but with her last breath, she said, "I'll name her Mary-Sue, and she shall be the next Queen of Gondor. Forget Aragorn. He can be a Ranger."

That must have been a very long breath.

The Elves then took the infant Mary-Sue and quite cruelly left her in the woods of Mirkwood. That afternoon, as chance would have it, King Thranduil of Mirkwood came upon her in the bushes, wailing and screaming pitifully. He scooped up the tiny girl and inspected her.

"Interesting," he murmured. He was holding her upside down by the ankles, gazing at her un-Elvish feet. (It is recommended that you don't do that to infants, small children, or anyone else, for that matter.) "How did a human baby make its way here? And she's alone. How curious."

He then saw a nametag that had been pinned to her soft, cuddly, pink pajamas. He did have a bit of trouble reading it, as it was upside down. After many attempts to read it that way, he gave up and turned the child upright. "Mary-Sue?" he read. "What kind of a name is Mary-Sue?" Shrugging, he decided to take her home.

King Thranduil was Legolas' father. And Legolas did not take kindly to poor little Mary-Sue. He was mean to her and called her names. Several times he endeavored to use her for target practice. She was treated viciously by the Elves of Mirkwood, and wondered why no one liked her. It wasn't fair!

(Please be aware, readers, that the situation was actually reversed, and that she was driving the Elves insane. She was very vain and annoying, in truth. This is simply her account of the story.)

Finally, feeling angsty and depressed, like every good little Mary-Sue should, she ran away.

She ran all the way to Rivendell and showed up at the Last Homely House, looking sad indeed. She changed her name to make it sound more Elvish, and the Elves of Imladris didn't recognize her. She was there when the Dark Lord came to the height of his power, and when the Council of Elrond took place.

"You shall be the tenth member of the Fellowship, and grace the company with your incredible beauty," Lord Elrond said.

Mary-Sue was honored.

The Ten Walkers (because we're including Mary-Sue) then readied to make their departure.

As they left Rivendell, Aragorn asked, "Where are you from, Mary-Sue?" He did not know that she was his sister, as no one had ever told him.

Mary-Sue looked at him.

Aragorn screamed as her eyes flashed from dark blue to bright purple.

"Put these on," she said offhandedly, handing him a pair of sunglasses.

Aragorn placed them on his face, feeling grateful. "So, where did you say you're from?"

"I didn't," Mary-Sue said. "I'd rather not talk about it." She sniffled, feeling very, very angsty.

A few days later, they were traveling through Caradhras.

"So, then I said that he said that I said that she said that they said that I said that!" Mary-Sue said indignantly.

"No way!" Merry cried.

"Yeah way!"

"Said what?" Pippin asked from Boromir's arms.

"That he said that she said that we said that they said – "

"I'm confused," Pippin moaned.

"I'm annoyed," Boromir said.

"I'm murderous," Legolas said. He promptly pushed Mary-Sue off the side of the mountain.

The Fellowship watched in silence as she fell. When they couldn't see her anymore, they let out a simultaneous whoop of joy. And an avalanche promptly descended upon them.

A/N: Thank you to swee-haret179, Malon Aniku (hope I explained well enough, and yes, Zel and Link come from my weird side), and and-then-the-world (Believe me, there are LOTS of MS's out there. Be glad you didn't find that many.) Please r&r, and if you do, please don't curse!