Mary-Sue the Magnificent

Chapter Two: Return

Mary-Sue sat up, rubbing her head and moaning softly. As she opened her constantly-changing eyes, she saw that she was sitting in a blank white room. An extremely tall man resembling an Elf looked down at her sternly.

"I am Mandos, Lord of the Halls of the Deceased," he said.

"I'm Mary-Sue," she replied. "But shouldn't it be something more like 'Hall of Mandos'?"

"Yeah," the Vala shrugged. "It just sounds stupid to say 'Mandos, Lord of the Halls of Mandos' and 'deceased' is much nicer to say than 'dead'."

"I suppose that's true," Mary-Sue said agreeably. "So, I'm dead?"

"Not really. You're a Mary-Sue. You can't die."

"I can go back?"

"Yep."

"Thanks!"

"Just try not to get killed too often," Mandos said. "You won't believe how many times the last one died. I finally had to keep her here."

"I'll keep that in mind," Mary-Sue said.

"All right then, off you go!" Mandos smiled. There was a flash of bright light, and Mary-Sue was standing on the snow-covered paths of Caradhras. She came back just in time to see an avalanche descend on the Fellowship. She debated for a moment whether or not she should help them, considering they'd killed her in the first place, and finally decided to help them.

With her bare hands she dug them out of the snow. After pulling Boromir out, he yelled, "Not you again! How did you get back? Legolas killed you!"

"I'm Mary-Sue. I can't die."

"Shoot!" Legolas muttered. He jumped out of the snow and aimed an arrow at her.

"No, Legolas," Aragorn said, pushing the arrow down. "Don't make Mandos deal with her for no reason. Who knows what he'd do to you if you ever die."

"I don't intend to," Legolas said.

"You never know."

The Fellowship reformed their procession. Boromir hung back in the line, and as Mary-Sue passed, he whacked her with his shield. She fell off the mountain again. Boromir grinned and hurried off.

"Back again?" Mandos asked as Mary-Sue sat on the floor trying to clear her head. "That's the quickest re-death yet."

"It's not my fault!" Mary-Sue cried. "Boromir hit me with his stupid shield!"

"It's okay. Just try not to get hit again."

Another flash of light, and Mary-Sue was standing behind the Fellowship on the Bridge of Khazad-Dum.

(The author wishes not to force you poor souls to reread the Balrog scene, so she shall skip to where the prologue left off.)

Mary-Sue then led them to Lothlorien. Gandalf had forced them to let her come along, considering she'd saved his life and he owed her.

In the fair woods of Lorien, meanwhile, Lady Galadriel froze in place and stared out the window.

"What's wrong?" asked her husband, Lord Celeborn (whose "Lord" title was pretty much just that, considering it was really Galadriel who ran everything).

"I sense a disturbance in the Force," Galadriel said, attempting to make her voice sound eerie and prophetic.

"Uh, wrong movie, hun," Celeborn said.

"Whoops!" Galadriel said. "I mean, I sense darkness approaching."

"Darling, there's no darkness coming," her husband said, patting her hand. "You're so paranoid."

Just then a large group of Elves ran past screaming, "Aragorn's returned! ARAGORN'S RETURNED! Find soap and bring buckets of water! GET THE CLOTHES-PINS!"

Galadriel looked at Celeborn with a mixture of mocking and triumph.

"Hey, I can be wrong!" Celeborn said defensively.

Meanwhile, the Fellowship had run into a little trouble.

"The Dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark," Haldir of Lorien said, his taunting eyes on Gimli.

There was one thing bothering the Fellowship, however.

"Why does your voice sound so nasally?" Sam finally asked.

"It's from the clothes-pins," Merry said.

"Mind telling us why you're wearing clothes-pins on your noses?" Legolas asked.

Haldir leaned in next to him and whispered, "Aragorn. The stench can be deadly."

"You're right," Legolas said. "But the Elves of Rivendell don't wear those."

"They're accustomed to it."

"Ah."

Haldir then looked at Mary-Sue. "Who are you?"

Unfortunately, he was instantly blinded into unconscious by a bright flash of light as her eyes changed colors again.


A/N: Super Shayde, Here comes the hockey puck, Malara, annoying talking animal, Erm the Great, KaterineKasdorf, and swee-haret179. I'm glad you all like it! If you review, as usual, please don't curse!