Mary-Sue the Magnificent

Chapter Four: Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

The next day, Gandalf told the Fellowship something that made them cry out in dismay.

"Listen, guys. I was supposed to die back in Moria, but thanks to Mary-Sue's meddlesome antics, I'm alive, which means I have to go off and find some white horse named Shadowfax and come back as another person and have you guys try to kill me."

"Awwww," they chorused.

"Okay, bye!" Gandalf called over his shoulder as he grabbed his hat and staff.

He needed to get away from them!

Galadriel later summoned them all to the riverside.

No one noticed that Gandalf was gone.

"Did you want to talk to us?" Merry asked.

"Yea, verily, I have summonest thou Walkers to guide thee on thy journey – " She broke off and gave a cough. "Ah, forget it. I can't stand doing the spooky, freak-out voice. It hurts my throat."

"So, uh, why do you want us?" Legolas asked.

"To give us guidance and tell us which paths to follow and who will be traitorous and how I'll be victorious in the end?" Mary-Sue piped up.

Everyone gave her a glare. The effect was lost, however, due to the sunglasses.

Mary-Sue just beamed.

Galadriel sniffed and cleared her throat. "Just because she's so annoying - and the fact that I can't stand Stink-Boy anymore – I'm sending you all on your way. Bring them the gifts!"

A bunch of Elves (who really looked like a bunch of secret agents dressed up like Elves in badly-made costumes) came to her side, their arms laden with gifts.

"For you, Aragorn son of Arathorn, a new sheath crafted by the Elves, and the Elessar," she said, pinning the brooch to his cloak. "Arwen insisted we give it to you, even though I told her that she could do much better."

Aragorn grinned, not understanding that it was an insult, and thanked her.

Galadriel groaned and slapped her forehead.

"And for Prince Legolas Thranduilion of Mirkwood, a bow strung with an Elf-hair."

Legolas took the bow and examined it. "Your hair, Lady?"

"Actually, it's mine," Haldir said from beside her, a smug look on his face.

"Right," Legolas replied, suddenly wanting to give it back. "I'll take good care of it for you."

"You'd better!" Haldir threatened. "I spend a lot of time on my hair!"

"It will be protected," Legolas swore. He didn't intend to keep the oath. He'd yank the hair out later and put in one of his own.

"For the Halflings, Meriadoc and Peregrin, two Elven belts, made of silver," she said, handing Merry and Pippin the belts. They gazed at them in awe.

"Shiny," murmured Pippin.

"Yes, I suppose they are shiny, but I don't notice it, since I'm so shiny, myself," Galadriel said.

"What are they?" Merry asked, his voice muffled with astonishment.

"Belts," the Lady said, shaking said items. "They're belts!"

"Belts? What are belts?" Pippin asked.

"You know, you put them around your waist to hold your pants up!" Galadriel cried in frustration.

"Oh!" said both Hobbits in unison.

Galadriel restrained from slapping herself again.

"For Boromir, a golden belt," she said, handing the Gondorian the belt.

He, being one of the most intelligent people in the group, bowed.

"And what would a Dwarf ask of the Elves?" she smiled, looking at Gimli.

"Nothing. Except to look upon the lady of the Galdhrim one last time, for she is more fair than all the jewels beneath the earth," the Dwarf said, looking at his feet.

"Let no one say that the Dwarves are coarse creatures!" Galadriel said, spreading her arms wide and turning to the other Elves. "But come, we cannot let you go empty-handed. What could we give you?"

"I would ask for but a single hair from your golden head," Gimli said, being polite and gentlemanly, because he was the chivalrous one of the group. Contrary to popular belief, Legolas was the evil one.

"Normally, being a wife and mother and grandmother, I'd think that was weird, but you're just so gosh darn cute I'll give you three!" Galadriel squeaked, and plucked three hairs from her head.

Celeborn got defensive and gave Gimli a death glare.

Gimli (ever the chivalrous one) bowed and stepped back after thanking Galadriel and kissing her hands.

"And for you, Samwise Gamgee, seeds of mallorn for you to plant," the Elf-woman continued, handing Sam a box with an Elvish "G" on the top.

"Thank you, Mrs. Galadriel, ma'am,' Sam said.

"For Mary-Sue, the starglass, a phial containing the light of Eärendil, our most beloved star. May it be a light for you in dark places," she said, handing her the phial.

"That's mine!" Frodo protested. "You were supposed to give me that!"

"Oops," Galadriel said. She handed him a second phial of starlight. "May it protect you from big, evil spiders who want to kill you."

"Thanks!" Frodo cried.

"Welcome," Galadriel smiled. "And to all of you," she began, holding out a beautifully decorated box, "a gift to remember the Elves of Lorien." She opened the box. Inside were nine clothes-pins.

"To keep out the smell," she said, clipping one on to each of their noses (excluding Aragorn. They were beginning to look ridiculous. First sunglasses, now clothes-pins?). "I don't know how you've survived this long!"

With that, the Elves tossed the Fellowship into the boats they'd provided them with. All except Mary-Sue, of course. She was gently set into the boat and bowed to profusely.

"Oh, please don't," she said, blushing in a very feminine way.

This only made the Elves love her more.

"Get outta here!" Celeborn cried, nearly insane with jealousy. "And don't come back!"

The Fellowship (and Mary-Sue) rowed off as fast as they could while Pippin and Merry stuffed their faces with as many lembas they could fit in their mouth at one time.

A/N: Many thanks to Here comes the hockey puck, swee-haret179, mrsblonde1503 (I'm sorry if I've offended you, but this is a humor fic, and it's mine. Sorry, again), Alania (you're most welcome to!), annoying talking animal, Daughter of the Night (thank you! bows), calvinandhobbesrock (Thank you! I don't want to give her a love interest, 'cuz this is a parody, and I despise them as it is, but thank you for the well-wishes!), Super Shayde (that's all right, and yes, it is peculiar about your poems), Nawyn (thank you, and I loved writing her angsty childhood), and of course, Rhys (Wow, you just about died, huh? Stay alive! We needs you, precious!)!

Thank you, everyone, and please review! And if you do, don't curse! And if anyone was confused by this, it was the book version of the gifts, not the extended edition.