Mary-Sue the Magnificent

Chapter Five: Death Threats and the Argonath

The Fellowship rowed down the Anduin. Aragorn had Frodo and Sam, Legolas and Gimli shared a boat, and Boromir and Merry were being forced to listen to Mary-Sue and Pippin yap about things they didn't get.

"And after that, they took me there and said I did that!" Mary-Sue cried.

"They didn't!" Pippin said.

"They did!"

"Did what?" Merry asked.

"Did that!" Mary-Sue exclaimed.

Merry and Boromir shook their heads.

Legolas and Gimli rowed up next to them.

"I swear by Elbereth that if you two don't shut your traps, Mandos will have two new visitors!" Legolas cried.

"Do not threaten the fair lady," Gimli scolded, ever the gallant gentleman. "Besides, it does no good to kill her, considering she'll only come back."

Legolas groaned and rolled his eyes. "I know, but at least we get a few moments of peace." He threw Mary-Sue a particularly nasty look.

Mary-Sue squeaked and grabbed Pippin, putting him in front of her as a shield.

"Cool!" Pippin said. "I've always wanted to be a Hobbit shield!"

Mary-Sue gasped. "No way!"

"Yeah, way!"

"That's it!" Legolas shouted. He dropped the oars into the boat, pulled out his bow (which he'd restrung with his own hair) and an arrow, and aimed it at Mary-Sue.

"No!" Gimli cried. He snatched out the arrow and broke it in half. "Don't kill her."

Legolas gave a cry of anger and dove at Gimli, attempting to strangle him.

Just then, Aragorn jumped up and pointed at two giant statues of men holding axes. "The Argonath!" he shouted.

Everyone froze, including Legolas and Gimli and stared at the statues.

"Who are they?" asked Legolas.

Aragorn shrugged. "Beats me! But I knew the name, so I thought I'd show off."

Everyone returned to what they were doing.

They were used to Aragorn's stupidity by now.


A few days later, the Fellowship went to shore and set up camp. Frodo went off by himself to think, but nobody paid much attention, despite the fact that he was the one with the Ring, and therefore the thing that should be first on their minds.

Needless to say, it wasn't.

"Hey, Gimli!" Aragorn called rummaging through the bags. "Where's the map?"

"What map, dear Captain?" asked Gimli. He was sitting by Legolas, who was sitting by Mary-Sue, who was cowering from his glares.

"You know, the map!"

"There is no map, sir."

"What do you mean, there's no map?" shrieked Aragorn. "Elrond gave us a map!"

"No, he didn't," Gimli said.

Aragorn flopped to the ground and humphed. "Stupid Half-Elf."

"Stupid Man," Legolas muttered.

Gimli jabbed him.

"You guys want to talk about something?" asked Mary-Sue.

"Yeah," Legolas nodded, pulling out his knife. "Your funeral!" He stabbed her in the back. She fell forward with a soft cry. Legolas noted that she didn't bleed at all.

"I told you not to kill her!" Gimli cried, slapping the Elf on the back of the head.

"I couldn't help it!" Legolas whined, rubbing the sore spot.

"Learn to!"

Aragorn sat a bit away from the others, who were gathering near Legolas, Gimli, and the momentarily deceased Mary-Sue. "I have to draw a map!" cried the Ranger.

The others gave various groans, moans, shakes of the head, and burying faces in hands.

Then, Pippin asked, "Hey, where are Frodo and Boromir?"


A/N: Many thanks to Rhys (hurry, don't be late!), Alania (Actually, she did give Mary-Sue the starglass! She gave Frodo another one!), Here comes the hockey puck (hands over bow and mallorn seeds There you go!), mrsblonde1503 (I'm glad. Thank you, and it was good to see you back!), Super Shayde (Thank you! You have chocolate koalas? I WANT CHOCOLATE KOALAS! AND DON'T YOU JURT MY EMU!), Nawyn (Thanks! I'm glad you like it!), Lyn (I'm glad you like it. And thank you for that interesting lesson!), Turiel (As you can see, I have Evil!Legolas, which I much prefer to Sappy!Legolas. Thank you, and I'm glad you're enjoying it.), and swee-haret179 (Thank you!). I appreciate it, everyone.