CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
SUPPRESSION
Chakotay sat in the mess hall, enjoying a coffee and a cake break during a rare evening shift. He watched as Roxa moved around the kitchen, whistling to herself as she cleared up for the day. She had made a full recovery from her ordeal and it warmed Chakotay's heart to see her so well and content. As soon as she was up and about, Kathryn had given her and Vixi a tour of the ship, and on learning that there was no one to work in the kitchen on a full time basis since Neelix had left, Roxa had insisted on replacing him. She had no scientific training, but could cook well, so it was an arrangement that suited everyone. She was a very warm and friendly woman and got on well with everyone. She had been a little quiet at first, but her bubbly personality had soon begun to shine through once she felt comfortable. Vixi, however, was another matter. She was very withdrawn and would speak to no one but her mother and Naomi. It was understandable, given all she had been through. It would take her time to trust everyone and to feel safe.
The doors opened and the child came in now with Naomi. Roxa poured them both a glass of water and cut them a slice of chocolate cake. Naomi began to eat her cake straight away, but Vixi carefully cut her cake in half and then carried the plate over to Chakotay. She stood before him and held out the plate.
Chakotay smiled at her. "You eat it all, sweetheart. I have my own."
The little girl's face fell and her mother came hurrying over. "Customs are different here, precious. The Commander doesn't know ours."
Chakotay looked up at the woman. "Explain it to me," he said kindly.
"Well," the woman began. "On Zaylar, if we wanted to honor someone, we would share a favorite food with that person. It was a way of showing someone how much we admire and respect them, sharing with them what was precious to us."
"I see," Chakotay smiled. He then turned to the little girl. "Then I gladly accept the cake." He took the piece of cake and Vixi smiled happily as he ate it.
The Doctor examined Petal as the animal sat impatiently on a biobed in sickbay.
"She appears to be in fine health," he said, finally stepping away from the creature. "Nothing wrong with her at all."
"Then why is she so small?" Kathryn asked, picking Petal up from the bed. "As part Retriever, she should be at least 30 pounds by now. She's barely half that."
"If she is indeed part Retriever," the Doctor said. "She may well not be. She may be a cross between two smaller dogs."
"She has to be," Kathryn said firmly. "I mean," she said hastily, "the man at the shelter told Chakotay she was part Retriever." She couldn't say that Petal had to be part Retriever because her sister had been so.
"And he may have been mistaken. Petal had been given next to no care at the shelter. The man may just have assumed she was part Retriever because one of the puppies found with her was. They may just have been related. Same breeder, same father, born around the same time, but different mothers."
Kathryn looked at the dog in her arms. "That would make sense, Doctor." She smiled. "She does somewhat have the look of a terrier."
"I doubt she will ever weigh more than 25 pounds, if that. And remember, she suffered severe malnutrition during her first weeks of life. That will have effected her development considerably."
"Well, I'm just glad she's alright," Kathryn smiled. "And if she's naturally smaller, I guess that can only be a bonus. Petunia would have wrecked our quarters by now."
"Petunia?"
Kathryn was about to answer when Ayala's voice sounded over the comm system. "Ayala to sickbay, medical emergency."
Seconds later, an unconscious Seven materialized on a biobed. She was wearing a red evening dress and her long blonde hair was loose over her shoulders. The Doctor hurried over to her and immediately began attending to her.
Kathryn approached the bed, holding Petal tight. "What's wrong with her?"
"Her cortical node is shutting down," the Doctor answered
There was another transport and Ayala appeared. Kathryn turned to him. "What happened?"
"I don't know," he replied. "One minute she was fine, the next she was unconscious."
The Doctor moved around the bed. "She's going into neural shock..."
Kathryn and Ayala watched fearfully as the Doctor worked on Seven. Then, at last, he stepped away, relief abounding. "Her systems are stabilizing. She'll be alright."
Kathryn questioned. "Why did her cortical node begin to shut down?"
"I don't know," he replied. "I will need to run some tests." He glanced at Ayala and then back at Kathryn. "If you'll both excuse me."
"Of course," they replied, almost in unison, both understanding this was their cue to leave.
As they left sickbay, Ayala turned to his Captain. "I honestly don't know what happened," he said, anxiety and concern still evident in his eyes. "I'd never do anything to hurt her. I care about her very much."
Kathryn could see the sincerity in his eyes and put her hand on his shoulder. "I know you do," she smiled. "And whatever the problem is, I'm sure the Doctor will find a way of fixing it."
Kathryn was fast asleep in their bed when Chakotay finished his shift at 11pm, and he changed quietly, careful not to wake her. As he folded his clothes and placed them on a chair for the morning, he heard Kathryn murmur softly. He turned to the bed and saw her toss in it, her murmuring louder. She was clearly having another nightmare. She'd been having a lot lately. She tossed more violently now and her breathing became shallow. Then she cried out, sitting up, and waking up, as she did so. She clutched the covers to her chest and wept softly. Chakotay climbed onto the bed and wrapped his arm around her. "Kathryn..."
She leant against him, not having been aware of his presence, but glad of it, and Chakotay cradled her in his arms. "Tell me what you're dreaming, love," he said softly. "This is your fourth nightmare now in as many days. Tell me what it is..."
"I'm lost in darkness," she said slowly. "Absolute darkness. I can't see anything, nothing but blackness. But I can hear people. They're crying, moaning, screaming ... always screaming... I run, try to find a way out, but I can't see anything, keep falling ... hands that I can't see grab me, hurt me ... so much pain. I keep trying to get away from them ... keep running. I see light... just a flicker. And I run to it ... thinking it will lead to an escape... but when I get to it, it's only a candle ... burning it's last ... And all I find there is a dead bleeding baby boy..." She looked up at her husband. "It's always the same, Chakotay. Always the same."
"Repetitive dreams often symbolize something in our lives that is troubling us," he said kindly, " something we might not even be aware of." He paused. "Are you worried about the babies?"
"No," she replied. "At least I don't think so..."
"It may be a subconscious fear ... one that only surfaces in your dreams..."
Kathryn looked up at him. "What if it's a premonition, Chakotay? What if something's going to happen to our son?" She couldn't help sometimes wonder about the future she had seen and the words of Leonardo Da Vinci about how knowledge can shift the sands of time. What if, in this altered state of existence, her baby boy was to die instead?"
Chakotay brushed her hair away from her face. "That's unlikely, my love. Dreams are rarely a window into the future, only a door to the present and to the past." He took her trembling hand in his. "We've been through a lot over the past few months. And what happened to Roxa and Vixi is probably still on your mind."
"You're probably right," Kathryn said.
"Often, things that we suppress in the waking hours haunt our dreams. I had terrible nightmares after my family was killed. I would be back on my homeworld, laughing and singing with my family ... with Rennay ... and then all of a sudden they'd be gone... our home nothing but charred remains and their dead bodies scattered before me." He paused. "I had that dream over and over. It was rarely different."
"When did it stop?"
"When I joined the Maquis. I still had nightmares, but not that one any more. I suppose because I felt I was doing something to avenge their deaths."
Kathryn whispered. "How can I stop mine?"
"Perhaps just talking about it like this will help. Talking about our fears or our worries often helps to release their power over us."
Kathryn nodded and then nestled against him. She could only hope that he was right.
Seven was baking a cake for the mess hall when Kathryn arrived at her quarters the following afternoon.
"I gave you the day off so that you can rest," Kathryn said, half seriously, half jesting.
"And as I recall," Seven answered, "I did not wish to have a day off. You insisted upon it."
Kathryn didn't argue, she just walked over to the former drone and peeped into the bowl of mixture she was stirring. "What cake are you making?"
"A ginger cake."
"Mmmm. Ginger cake. I can't wait to have a slice. I haven't had ginger cake for years. My Aunt Martha would always make the most wonderful ones."
"Then mine will surely not live up to expectation," Seven said, her tone sarcastic and rather bitter.
Kathryn took a deep breath. It was clear that something was troubling her prodigy. "Alright, Seven. Tell me what's wrong."
"There is nothing wrong. I was merely stating a fact. My cake will not compare to the excellency of your Aunt Martha's."
"I wasn't making a comparison," Kathryn answered. "I was just making a comment."
"Then I apologize."
Seven's hand turned the mixture in the bowl faster and faster as she tried to contain her frustration.
"I know something's wrong," Kathryn said. "Tell me what it is. I can't help otherwise."
"I do not need your help."
"We all need help sometimes, Seven," she said. "Or at least a friend to talk too. And we're friends, are we not?"
Seven looked up at her at this and, for a brief moment, Kathryn saw tears well in her eyes. Then Seven put down her bowl and whisk.
"The Doctor says the reason my cortical node began to shut down is because of a failsafe device that shuts it down when I reach a certain level of emotional intensity. It has lay dormant until now."
"I see," Kathryn said quietly.
"He says there may be a way of removing the device, but it would entail multiple surgeries and the outcome would not be certain."
"I'm sorry," Kathryn said sadly.
"All I can do is remain as I was. Emotionally unattached and independent. To do otherwise could be fatal."
Kathryn walked over to Seven now and lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. "What did the Doctor say about surgery? Did he recommend or discourage it?"
"He recommended it."
"Then you should consider it," Kathryn said kindly. "The Doctor cares for you very much and wouldn't recommend it if he didn't think it would be in your best interest."
"I wanted to have it," Seven continued. "So that Ayala and I can..." She paused and averted her eyes in embarrassment.
Kathryn helped her out. "So that you can be intimate?"
Seven nodded. She then looked up at her Captain and friend again. "But Ayala doesn't think I should. He says the surgery would be too much of a risk and I shouldn't risk it for him."
"If the risks were great, I'm sure the Doctor wouldn't recommend it," Kathryn said. "And it wouldn't be for Ayala. It would be for you." Kathryn moved her hand to Seven's cheek. "This failsafe device may activate anytime, anywhere. Unless we are a Vulcan, emotions are not something we can easily suppress. And even if you don't show it, I know that you feel things deeply. I understand Ayala's concerns, but I think that you should have the surgery. I think it would be beneficial for you in the long term, even if it does inconvenience you in the short term."
A ghost of a smile crossed Seven's face. "I will inform the Doctor that I wish to have the failsafe device removed."
It was quiet on the bridge when Kathryn arrived there. Only a handful of people were present and Tuvok was in command, sitting in Chakotay's chair. Kathryn went over to her chair and sat down.
"Neelix was right about this area of space," she said, making herself comfortable. "We haven't come into contact with a hostile species yet. Maybe traveling through adjacent area to the Borg isn't so bad after all." She paused. "Maybe we should try and make contact with a post-warp society. Neelix said most of them in this region are friendly. They may have information or technology that could help us."
"Possibly," Tuvok answered. "But most of the species in this region appear to be pre-warp. I doubt that an advanced civilization would choose to live so close to Borg space."
"That's a good point," Kathryn answered. "But still I think it would be good to make contact with at least one species in this region."
Tuvok spoke, but Kathryn was deaf to his words as involuntary and intrusive images and words filled her mind:
"I won't consider it, Mark. I'm having this baby..."
"It's not a baby," he cried. "It's a damn parasite..."
"How can you say that?"
"Because it's the truth!"
Then the images and the sounds were gone. All she could see was a blank viewscreen before her, and all she could hear was Tuvok's voice.
"It may present us with unforeseen advantages."
Kathryn turned to him slowly, her face pale and her body trembling. "I'm sorry?"
"I said making contact with a species in this region could have unforeseen advantages..."
His words drifted again as more images and sounds filled Kathryn's mind.
"If you won't support me, I'll do this alone...
"I can't, Kathryn. I'm sorry..."
"Then it's over between us."
A bright light then blinded her. Faces. So many faces. All moving... so many images ... so many sensations ... Pain. A terrible pain. A baby. She was holding a baby. A different pain now. A pain in the heart. The baby was dead.
"No," Kathryn cried out. "No..."
The images faded. All was quiet. She was once more on the bridge, Tuvok standing beside her. She buried her head in her hands, visibly shaken.
Hesitantly, Tuvok lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Captain, what is wrong?"
Kathryn didn't answer. She just tried to calm herself, tried to regulate her breathing.
"Captain?"
At last she looked up at him and the Vulcan saw infinite pain in her eyes. "Excuse me," she said quietly.
With that, she got up and hurried from the bridge to her ready room.
Inside her ready room, Kathryn leant against the rail dividing the room and tried to compose herself.
"I won't consider it, Mark. I'm having this baby..."
The words kept replaying over and over in her mind and Kathryn wanted to cry, helpless to suppress them, and frightened at their intensity.
The door to the room opened and Tuvok came in. He walked over to Kathryn. "Forgive the intrusion, Captain. But something is quite clearly troubling you."
Kathryn turned to him. "I'm seeing things in my mind, Tuvok ... hearing things..."
"What kind of things?"
"I don't know... like memories ... Mark's voice... my own. I see him... A baby ... But it never happened, Tuvok ... Nothing like that ever happened..."
Tuvok considered and then spoke. "There are several possibilities, Captain. Firstly, you may be recalling events that you have suppressed. Secondly, you may be recalling events that have been deliberately suppressed. Or thirdly, you may be suffering from some form of alien mind intrusion. It would be wise to consult the Doctor."
"I'll go right away," Kathryn said quietly. She then looked up at Tuvok. "Please... don't mention anything to Chakotay. I don't want him to worry."
"You have my word, Captain."
Kathryn sat in the Doctor's office and tried her best to explain to him what had been happening to her.
"It started with a dream," she began. "I was in a tunnel... a dark tunnel. There would be people crying, moaning. Terrible sounds. I would be running, trying to find a way out. But there wasn't a way. I was trapped. Then I'd see a light. I would make my way to it, thinking it was an escape, but it would turn out to be just the light of a dying candle. And beside it I'd see a baby, a dead baby boy covered in blood. I've had the dream several times now and always it's the same.." She paused. "Then, when I was on the bridge just now, I had what I can only describe as like flashbacks. I was with Mark. We were arguing. It was over a baby. I was... I was having a baby. At least I think that's what was happening. Then I was somewhere else. A hospital. I was in pain... like giving birth. I was holding a baby. And I was crying because he was dead." She paused again. "But those things never happened, Doctor."
There was a sadness in the Doctor's eyes as he looked at her, and then he leant forward, preparing to speak.
"They did, Captain," he said gently. "Ten years ago you gave birth to a child."
Kathryn's eyes widened and she stared at him in horror. "No, that can't be..."
"It's the truth, Captain."
"No," she said, getting to her feet. "This is all an illusion ... alien induced... It isn't true."
The Doctor got up and went over to her. "Come sit, Captain. Let me explain..."
Kathryn turned to him. "I never had a child, Doctor. I never. I would remember ... Why wouldn't I remember?"
"Come sit, Captain," he said again.
"No," she answered. "Just answer me. Why wouldn't I remember?"
"Because nine years ago those memories were suppressed by your doctors."
Kathryn flinched. "Why? Why would they do that?"
The Doctor was a moment giving the answer. "Because you tried to take your own life."
Kathryn stared at him and then shook her head. "I don't believe it," she cried. "I really don't believe it..."
"It's all in your medical files, Captain. A few weeks after..."
"If it's true," Kathryn interrupted, "where is my baby? Where is my child?"
Again the Doctor hesitated with his answer. "He died," he said quietly. "He had a rare cardiovascular condition that sometimes effects Human-Cardassian babies."
Kathryn turned white now. "Are you ... are you saying my child was Cardassian?"
The Doctor nodded. "I don't have to tell you how that happened."
Kathryn was so pale that the Doctor was afraid she would faint. He pulled out the chair and then put his hand on her shoulder. "Sit, Captain. Please."
Almost mechanically, Kathryn sat in the chair. The Doctor pulled out another chair and sat beside her.
"It was a difficult pregnancy. You were in hospital from the fifth month onwards to try and save the baby's life. But it was all in vain. He died soon after birth. A few weeks later, you were seriously injured during a mission to rescue several Vulcans from a demon class planet. It was believed your injuries were," he paused, "self inflicted ... that you had deliberately put your life in danger in an attempt to end it. There were concerns about how much you had suffered since being captured by the Cardassians, how much you had changed, and especially how the death of your baby had affected you. The consensus was that you were not coping with what had happened, and were a danger to yourself. So, the doctors, together with your mother and sister, decided that suppressing certain memories would be in your best interest. Erasing the memories would not have been ethical without your consent, but involuntary suppression of memories is permitted if it's believed they are in the best interest of the patient. To suppress all memories of your sufferings at the hands of the Cardassians would have left too many voids in your life, so the doctors suppressed only memories of your pregnancy and birth, the events that were believed to be the cause of your depression. Those memories could easily be restored when you were in a better frame of mind to deal with them." He paused. "Your pregnancy is probably triggering recollection. I was careful not to reawaken those memories when I operated on you after Quarren."
The Doctor waited for Kathryn to speak, but she just sat quietly, staring ahead. Then she turned to him slowly. "Mom and Phoebe would never have done that," she said quietly. "They'd never have agreed to have a part of my life taken away like that..."
"Everyone concerned thought it was for the best. The doctors would not have been able to proceed without the consent of your next of kin."
"No," she answered, shaking her head. "They'd never do it. They wouldn't..." She stood up, visibly trembling. "This isn't real, Doctor. Isn't real..."
With that she left the room. The Doctor called after her, but she had gone.
Alone in her quarters, Kathryn wept painfully upon her couch. She couldn't believe she had borne a child, she just couldn't. And yet ... and yet it all seemed to make sense too. Seemed to explain gaps in her life. She could vaguely remember going on a mission to a demon class planet to rescue some Vulcans, and the next thing she could remember was waking up in hospital, her mother beside her. She was told she'd been seriously injured, been in hospital for months.
She had never questioned that, had believed it, and never questioned those missing months of her life. There hadn't been a need. Everything was neatly chronological. She could remember everything that happened with the Cardassians, could remember how she felt afterwards, and the blur surrounding later events she had put down to the severe injuries she was told she had suffered. Mark had come to see her at the hospital and their relationship had continued like before, although with a distance between them that she had put down to what had happened with the Cardassians. A few weeks later, that distance caused them to separate and it was over a year before they got back together, just around the time she was promoted to Captain and given command of the Bonestell. Now, everything the Doctor had said seemed to fit like pieces in a jigsaw. But she couldn't accept it. She didn't want to.
Petal watched her mistress cry, her brown puppy eyes heavy with concern. She then jumped on the couch and gently lay a paw on Kathryn's arm and began to lick her face tenderly. Kathryn turned to the animal and buried her face in the animal's soft fur as she gathered her close.
Not long after, the doors to the quarters opened and Chakotay came in, having being contacted by the Doctor and told he should find his wife. Chakotay had questioned, but the Doctor would tell him nothing. Anxiously, Chakotay asked the computer to locate Kathryn and hurried to their quarters when the computer located her there.
Kathryn put Petal down when she saw him and looked up at him. The pain Chakotay saw in her eyes knifed his heart.
"The Doctor said I should find you," he said quietly. "What is it? Is it the babies?"
Kathryn shook her head. "No... they're fine ... just fine."
Chakotay bridged the gap between them and sat beside her "Then what it is?"
"The dreams," she began quietly. "The baby... The Doctor says that I..." She paused, her voice falling. "The Doctor says that I... that I had a baby."
Chakotay frowned. "I don't understand."
"Ten years ago," she replied. "A Cardassian baby..."
"Oh, Kathryn..." he said as understanding dawned on him. As a result of what the Cardassians had done to her, she had conceived a child.
"He says my memories were suppressed because I tried to kill myself on a mission to save some Vulcans... that they're resurfacing now... But I don't believe it, Chakotay. I can't."
Chakotay put his hand on her arm. "What do you remember... or think you remember?"
"Arguing with Mark," she said quietly, "telling him I'm keeping the baby ... him saying he doesn't want me too. I can remember being in hospital ... giving birth. I can remember holding a baby and crying because he was dead. But that's all. Not like Quarren."
"How do you mean?"
"Then the memories came back quickly ... gave an answer almost straight away to a question. It's more like when I was remembering what had happened to Daddy and Justin. Just random pictures."
"It was that way for me when I lost my memory," Chakotay said. "I would see pictures in my mind, hear voices, but they would be disconnected ... didn't form a whole... and yet part of a whole..."
"Exactly how it is," she replied. "It fills in voids in my life ... and yet not completely... Mom said I'd been injured on a mission ... in hospital for months..." She paused. "I believed her, accepted it. But according to the Doctor, I was in hospital from the fifth month of pregnancy to try and save my baby's life..." She paused. "I just can't believe that Mom and Phoebe, and even Mark, would lie to me, that they'd agree to suppress my memories of it..."
"They all loved you, Kathryn. If they thought it was for the best, they would have kept silent."
"But to take a part of my life away..." she turned away from him and stared vacantly ahead. "I want it back, Chakotay. I want all those memories back..."
"I understand," Chakotay said. "But are you sure you can deal with those memories right now? Perhaps it's best if the Doctor suppresses them again for the moment. We have the babies to think of... "
"I can deal with them," Kathryn said getting to her feet. "I don't care what the Doctor says or what anyone thought. I know that I was coping with what had happened to me!"
"You only know what you remember," Chakotay said kindly. "You'd been through a terrible, horrific, experience. And then to find out you'd conceived a child in such a violent way..."
"I was coping," Kathryn cried. "And I remember enough to know I was coping with the baby..."
Chakotay got to his feet now. "But evidently not coping well enough for those closest to you to take such an extreme measure... You can't know what you were feeling when you only have pieces of the jigsaw..."
"I know I would never have tried to take my own life when I was assigned to a mission to save others! And I know how I felt when the Cardassians were doing all those things to me. They could do what they liked to my body but I wouldn't let them destroy my spirit. I promised myself that. And I kept that promise, even though it was hell!" She paused. "I want the truth. I want those memories back."
Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Then we'll speak to the Doctor ... see if there's a way." He hesitated. "But I have to ask you to promise me one thing..."
"What's that?"
"That if I think you're not coping with these memories afterwards, that they threaten your health or the babies in anyway, I have your consent to have those memories suppressed again ... at least until Silvie and Stevie are born..."
Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded.
"Promise?"
Kathryn took his hand in hers. "I promise."
"Captain," the Doctor said as she arrived at sickbay with Chakotay. "I'm glad to see you. I've been concerned..."
"And so you should have been," she said coolly.
The Doctor flinched at her coldness. "Captain, I..."
"I don't want to hear it," she said. "I'm disappointed, Doctor. I'm disappointed and I'm hurt. You've clearly known about this for years and yet not once did you think of mentioning it to me. Not once did you ask if I wanted those memories back. Not even after everything that happened with Harry Kim and Jetal. Yet you condemned me for altering your memories without your consent..."
"This was different, Captain..."
She shook her head. "You're a hypocrite, Doctor. There's no other word."
"The situations were different," he tried to explain. "Your doctors and your next of kin had all agreed that those memories should be suppressed. It wasn't my place to question their judgment."
"But your place to question mine when B'Elanna and I both agreed that yours should be suppressed? You wanted yours back but never once considered I might want mine? And when I realized how wrong I had been to wipe away your memories of your past, no matter how well intentioned my motives had been, I did everything I could to help you cope with those memories."
The Doctor lowered his eyes. "I'm sorry, Captain. I thought silence was for the best."
Kathryn was untouched. "If surgery involves no risk to the babies, I want to have my memories restored."
The Doctor looked up at her now. "There would be no risk to the babies, Captain. It's a simple procedure."
"Then I want it now."
The Doctor hesitated, looked at Chakotay, but saw that he would find no support from him.
"Very well, Captain," he said at last. "Let us proceed."
Chakotay waited in their quarters with Petal as Kathryn underwent the operation. The animal was quieter than usual as she knew that something was wrong. She had curled herself up on the couch, out of her master's way as he moved around the room in an agitated temper.
"Coffee, black," Chakotay demanded of the replicator.
Instead of coffee, a bag of toffee materialized.
"Dammit," Chakotay cried and threw the bag across the room. It hit the wall and slid to the floor. Chakotay then took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. He had managed to contain his anger in front of Kathryn, and would continue to do so, but every time he thought about what the Cardassians had done to her, he was so damned angry.
The doors to the quarters opened and Chakotay turned around as Kathryn entered. She looked pale, and drawn, but there was a peace in her eyes now that hadn't been there earlier.
"I remember it all," she said softly. She then held out a picture he hadn't noticed she was holding in her hand. "This is him," she said. "This is my son, Oliver. The picture was in my medical file."
Chakotay wandered over to her and slowly took the picture. As he looked at his, his eyes fell upon a beautiful little baby boy with fluffy red hair, wrapped in a white blanket.
"He was my baby, Chakotay. I never thought of him as Cardassian. Never. He was my baby, and I loved him. He was something good to have come out of something so bad." She paused. "I didn't realize I was pregnant until the fourth month. So much had happened, I'd been through so much, and I just wasn't paying attention to my body. Mark wanted me to donate the baby to someone else, but I wanted to keep him. It wasn't his fault what his father was, whoever his father was. He was an innocent baby, an innocent life that needed protecting. Mark didn't understand that. I wanted him to say he was the father ... planned on having fetal cosmetic surgery to make Oliver look human, you see, didn't want anyone to know or suspect he was half Cardassian or how he had been conceived... But Mark said he wouldn't, said he didn't want anything to do with the baby."
She took the picture back from Chakotay and gazed at it as she spoke.
"So we split up and I went ahead with the operation. It was during it that the doctors discovered that he was suffering from a rare condition that sometimes effects Human-Cardassian babies. They said his chances of survival were not good. The only way I could hope to save him was to go into hospital so they could monitor him day and night. So that's what I did. I spent most of the next three months in bed and hardly saw anyone. Only Mom, Phoebe, Mark, my friend Abigail, and Admiral Paris knew I was pregnant. I suppose that made it easier for them to cover it up after my memories were suppressed. All they had to do was say I had been in hospital for months after an accident. Problem solved. My son's existence never had to be acknowledged. " She paused. "I would talk to him, Chakotay. I would tell him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him. And I would feel him move inside me. In the eighth month, I went into labor. Oliver was terribly weak now and the doctors said it was unlikely he would survive birth. But again he defied them. He came out very much alive, even cried, and lived long enough for me to hold him in my arms and tell him that I loved him." A tear ran down her cheek. "He was so beautiful, Chakotay. So tiny. And even though was so weak, so sick, he held my little finger when I placed it in his hand. He held it so tight. He was still holding it when he died."
Chakotay gazed at Kathryn sadly and he lay a kind hand on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry," he said. "So sorry." Words just seemed inadequate. And so to would words have been inadequate to describe how he felt. Kathryn constantly amazed him with her strength, her compassion and her selflessness. And it constantly amazed him how deep his love for this woman was. It was a bottomless well. For every time he thought it would be impossible to love her more, he found that he did.
"We had a little memorial service for him, just me, Mom and Phoebe, and afterwards we scattered his ashes in grounds near our home." She paused. "Now I know why there was such a distance between Mark and I afterwards. I thought it was just because of what had happened, but obviously this lay between us too. I could never have gone back to him after everything that had happened, how he didn't support me when I needed his support more than ever, and deep inside he must have known that." She paused again. "And they were wrong, so wrong. I didn't try to kill myself. I don't remember much of what happened on that planet, but I had got lost somehow, separated from the others, and I fell... I remember that... falling ... just falling...
She touched the baby's face tenderly. "Phoebe took this picture while I held him in my arms."
Chakotay caressed her arm softly. "How about we frame it and put it up with the others?"
Kathryn looked up at him and smiled softly. "I'd like that."
TWO DAYS LATER
"There is a species only four light years away that may be worth contacting," Tuvok said as he and Kathryn drank together in the mess hall. "Scans of their vessels suggest their technology is superior to ours. Voyager may be able to benefit from their technology in someway."
As he spoke, Roxa put a plate of pancakes on the table before Kathryn.
"Then we'll try and establish contact," Kathryn replied. "We could also do with a more accurate map of this region than the one Neelix supplied us with. Perhaps these people will have one."
Roxa clumsily dropped Kathryn's knife and fork onto the table. "I'm sorry, Captain," she said, clearly upset, "I'm so sorry."
Kathryn put her hand on the woman's arm. "It's alright. Don't upset yourself."
The woman looked at Kathryn with a desperation in her eyes. "Please don't contact those people, Captain. They'll capture Vixi and I again if you do..."
Kathryn glanced at Tuvok and then back at the woman. "Sit down, Roxa. Tell us more."
The woman sat in a vacant chair beside her. "The only species more advanced than you in this region of space is the Voril. They have to be who you mean. They are in alliance with our people and citizens of our world can travel freely to theirs. Someone will surely recognize us as Karik ... the experimented ones. They will capture us and take us back to the planet to die..."
Kathryn took the woman's hand in hers. "Then we won't make contact. You and Vixi are part of our crew now. We'll protect you the same as we would any other member."
The woman smiled now and squeezed Kathryn's hand. "Thank you, Captain."
Kathryn squeezed her hand in return and then let it go. She hit her commbadge. "Janeway to Seven of..." She stopped as she saw that Seven was talking in the distance with Icheb, a glass of water in her hands.
"Excuse me a moment," she said to her companions and made her way over to Seven.
"Just the person I wanted to see," she said as she approached the former drone.
Seven turned to her. "What may I do for you, Captain?"
"I'd like you to plot us a course that diverts away from this inhabited planet we are approaching. And any other inhabited planet in this region. I don't want anyone to detect Roxa and Vixi."
"Understood, Captain. I will plot us a new course immediately."
She put down her drink and made to leave. As she did so, Kathryn caught her arm. "Finish your drink first."
Seven reluctantly took up her glass again.
"I've been thinking," Kathryn continued. "It might be an idea for you to move into a spare room in our quarters while you recuperate from the surgery." Seven was scheduled to have her first operation in two days time.
"I appreciate the offer," Seven said sincerely, "but it is unnecessary. The Doctor believes he may, with some research, be able to perfect a way of removing the failsafe device in one operation. The position and nature of the device is not as severe as he first believed. He says that recovery should then be a matter of hours rather than weeks."
Kathryn smiled warmly. "That's wonderful, Seven. Truly wonderful."
Tuvok then approached them, followed by Roxa who was making her way back to the kitchen.
"I must return to the bridge, Captain," he said. "I am already 1.54 minutes late for my shift."
Kathryn tried to hide her smile. "Then you'd better get going, Tuvok."
He gave a nod and left the room.
"I too should attend to the task at hand," Seven said, having just consumed the rest of her drink. "I can take further nourishment later."
"If you insist, Seven," Kathryn smiled, and then watched as Seven followed Tuvok out of the room.
Now alone, Kathryn wandered back to her seat and began to tuck into her cooling pancakes.
Just as she was finishing the last pancake, Chakotay entered the room. He smiled when he saw his wife and, after giving a food order to Roxa, made his way over to her. He sat where Tuvok had been seated and looked at the almost empty plate of pancakes. "Hungry?"
"Not me," she smiled. "Silvie and Stevie. They're quite demanding."
"And those pancakes look delicious," he said. "I should have had some instead of scrambled egg."
"Well," Kathryn said, looking behind him, "it looks like you might get your wish."
Chakotay turned around and saw that Vixi was approaching him. She was carrying a plate in her hands, a pancake upon it.
The child smiled at him and held out her plate as soon as she reached him. The pancake was neatly cut in half and he knew that the child wanted him to take it. He really didn't want to take her little food, but neither did he want to disappoint her, so he ended up reaching for the offered slice of pancake. As he thanked her and popped it into his mouth, the little girl smiled, and then hurried back to the table she was sharing with Naomi.
"I really wish she wouldn't keep bringing me her food," Chakotay said, turning back to Kathryn. The child had brought him half a cake, a donut, bread roll, brownie and chocolate bar over the past week alone. "I hate to take her food from her. She's such a thin little thing and needs it herself."
"I wouldn't worry on that score," Kathryn smiled. "I'm sure Roxa well compensates for what the child gives you."
"Maybe I should speak to Roxa, tell her I really don't want the child's food..."
Kathryn reached for Chakotay's hand. She could see in his eyes that this was greatly troubling him.
"It's good that she trusts you, Chakotay. When Tom tried to talk to her, she ran into the kitchen and hid behind her mother. She says nothing to anyone else either, and seems especially afraid of men. If we stopped her bringing food to you, it would only hurt her and make her more withdrawn."
"I never thought of that," Chakotay answered.
"You're her hero," Kathryn smiled. "You rescued her and her mother from the planet."
A lump gathered in Chakotay's throat and he turned to look at the precious child. She was busy pouring syrup on her pancake and listening to Naomi chatting away.
"And you're my hero too," Kathryn whispered.
Chakotay turned back to her at that and Kathryn squeezed his hand with a smile before getting to her feet and returning to duty.
END OF CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
